Mom's page on caringbridge is finally set up. There was some um...technical difficulty. But now we finally have it up and going. I am also on the account, so I can post information as needed, if she can't.That makes me feel better.
I've heard from a few of her friends and all seem to think I'm doing something unusual by going up there. It doesn't feel unusual--it feels like "of *course* I'm going up! why wouldn't I?" Other than the fact that I'm concerned about the smoking she does in the house--that *is* awful, but maybe the weather will be nice enough that we can open windows and the smoke won't be overwhelming. The other aspects? I just consider it camping, in her house: it's a bit uncomfortable for me, but it's not forever, and frankly that's the least of my concerns.
She sounds very excited and happy I'm coming--that's good. Originally she'd said she wanted my daughter up there first, but I think the recent pain level and fears of being farther along this path than expected have maybe changed her mind. J will stay at home, and handle the house, and Murphy. Next time maybe I can bring them both, or maybe next time it'll be just S and me. We'll know more as time goes on; I love that phrase "more will be revealed". It helps me so much to trust that things are happening as they should.
I've left off recording what I eat--somehow my priorities have changed recently. Let's see, last night's dinner was 2 eggs scrambled with veggies and a piece of toast; lunch was some chicken salad on one piece of bread, and a banana. Breakfast today was 5 little silver-dollar sized pancakes and some orange slices, with tea. I had a granola bar at around 10 this morning: We are doing prep work for tomorrow's patient. He will be the first to enter this new Alzheimer's study *anywhere*! That's a big deal to this sponsor, and we are getting constant emails and phone calls asking about the status of various screening procedures. Plus of course we have our regular patients, 3 of them. It'll be a nut-housey type of day. Definitely a day to wear scrubs, and not my own clothes. Lots of blood draws...on those days I wear scrubs.
J is almost finished with the shelving and painting and things in the bedroom: he's working on adding a display area in the corner by the door for the various small found objects and knickknacks we both have. He found at Habitat two new-to-us light fixtures which will replace the current ones in the bedroom and living room--that has been an eyesore since I first met him! It'll be nice to not cringe when I see that awful red plaid thing. Don't get me wrong--I love red plaid, and in fact have a couple of plaid tops to wear--but it's not something you want to see in the bedroom hanging from the ceiling... and he works so hard during the day on this that by the time I get home he's pretty worn out.
I think that stroke really did sap his massive ability to work like a horse all day. Since the stroke he usually is "done" by around 4 or 5. He usually does make dinner for us, but then I take over-- I clean up, do the chickens, straighten up where he's left off, etc. Today was his payday; the SS money comes in a direct deposit so he goes to that bank and takes out what we need for bills, and then deposits that in the bank we use *to* pay the bills, and today he also did grocery shopping. That's something we normally do together on Fridays when I'm home. But he did that today on his own, and later will take my little Honda to B's shop for a pre-trip check, while I'm walking (me and) the dog. I gave Murph a bath last night, and that's always fun. He's so little I can do him in the kitchen sink, but he's like a typical little kid--turns his head away when I try to wash his beard, wiggles when I want to rinse him, struggles when I grab a foot to clip his nails, the whole bit. Afterwards he runs like a mad thing all around the house, and does circles standing on his back feet, waiting for his reward. He is a riot. I will miss both of them terribly.
But! I'm very very grateful he's the kind of husband who supports this Family Pulling Together kind of thing. (My ex is the kind who would strenuously object if anything occurred to mess up his routine, his plans, his day.) Even though I've been divorced for over 6 years now, I never take for granted the wonderful freedom I have now, and the amazing support and love and care I receive from J. He is one of a kind. I'm blessed.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
things are changing...
...Pretty fast, with mom. Yesterday I called around 3:45 and we talked til a bit after 4:30. She was fighting tears the whole time. Gasping. Coughing occasionally, groaning occasionally, as she tried to get comfortable or change positions while on the phone. She was having a very tough time with pain, could not figure out the caring bridge site at all so had sent it to me asking me to set it up for her. It couldn't have been simpler--you need an email address and a password, yet she couldn't figure that out, and that is an indication of how debilitating ongoing pain is. She hadn't taken a shower in 2 weeks, because she didn't have the energy or wits (from the pain) to figure out how to do so without getting the port wet. She does the sponge baths, of course, but that isn't the same thing. She was quite embarrassed to admit the no-shower thing. I think it's a measure of how low she is, that she *would* admit that. She does have a lot of pride and stubborn independence, usually, but this pain has been severe enough that it just drains her. I can relate somewhat. We talked about mainly the use of which meds and when she can take them, and why she hasn't taken the morphine. In an email she'd asked if I knew anything about inhalers (I don't) and asked some questions about them. I had previously suggested she take them all to the doc's office and get some help from them...but apparently she didn't remember that.
She was in such bad shape, crying off and on a bit before pulling herself together. It is so maddening to hear her, and not be able to do anything. She agreed that she does think of pain as something to ignore, but that this is not ignorable. I tried to help her see that taking a pain pill is not "giving in", that it's been prescribed precisely for the pain cancer patients are experiencing (for gods sake!!!). Why she is resisting I do not know. I finally said, "Mom, what exactly do you think is going to happen if you try the morphine? Are you afraid it will kill you??" and there was silence for a bit before she said "yes, thats what I'm afraid of". So she has waited to take it til someone is going to be around to pick up the pieces. But of course when someone is there, she doesn't remember she was going to try it. I almost had her convinced to take it last night and let the meds do their work. But then she was too afraid that she would still wake during the night and be unable to take anything else: what if the morphine also doesn't last as long as the hydrocodone...
I had to remain very patient, and explain things step by step. She's been fighting the pain, and not accepting it. I've learned and tried to share that: by suggesting she acknowlege it entirely, and let it be overwhelming, and cry and scream if she has to, and then figure a way to make it her friend, to live with it, with respect. Kind of like living with a big dog you are training: you give it lots of room, and feed it, and be wary, but know also that it won't eat you alive if it knows you are in charge. If you are the leery one, it will sense that and not respond. Ah, well, I'm sure that analogy isn't good, but the point is to acknowlege it, and not hope-it'll-go-away-if-I-pay-no-attention-to-it. I think I scared her a bit: I suggested that if she cannot manage the pain and constipation on her own, then she needs to either be hospitalized, or request the HomeHealth Aides. She said, "you think it's time, then?" and I said, "yes I do-- you are overwhelmed with the pain and side effects, and you need that help." We both think that she is further down the path than she was told, and she is much closer to decision-making time than she'd expected.
At the end of the talk, I asked if she wanted me to call later, and she kept insisting she would be fine, just fine. Not "bravely" either, she clearly wanted to get off the phone because she was going to cry. So we hung up. I then emailed my sister, and brother, and talked with J. He and I talked and discussed how we would do this if I went up there for a few days. Then I emailed her suggesting this.
At about 7 I thought I'd call again, just because of the way she sounded. I'm so glad I did. She burst into tears again; she had just read my email and responded, knowing how difficult it was for me to finance this and get away, she wasn't sure she could ask me to do so, and more of that. But in the end I think she wants me to. The email seemed to confirm that she wants me up there, but doesn't want to ask outright, because she knows how it'll disrupt my life and responsibilities. I told her to let me figure that part out, and said I would check with my bosses tomorrow (today--and of course they are completely fine with it). So at this point I am planning to leave bright and early Friday morning, and stay through Monday. I'll leave Tuesday on the 3rd , late morning, and that way I will have met the caregivers at the chemo place, and possibly her doc too.
I received amazing emails of support from both my sister and brother. I was brought to tears myself at each of their offers of financial help to get up there. I think we can handle this right now. J is so insistent that I remain there as long as I can, because he doesn't want either of us to look back later and regret that we didn't do more or better or something... My bosses are going to a convention this weekend and won't be back til next Wednesday themselves, so this works out fine: none of us have patients, so we will just shut the office down entirely. I am *so* blessed to have found a workplace so supportive. I can't imagine being anywhere else.
So, other matters. Last night's dinner was leftover chicken, the creamed onions and the rest of the asparagus. I also had wine last night, and Saturday and Friday nights. Lunch was a piece of bread and some cheese, and a banana. Today's breakfast was a piece of French toast using raisin bread. Lunch was the last of the chicken (chopped and mixed with lo-cal and lo-fat mayo), and a pear, and some tomato slices. We spent a lot of the day yesterday working on the bedroom shelves, walls, painting, sanding and varnishing, and it's looking much better. J also figured out a way to wire the bedroom and bathroom with sound, so we can listen to music.
We kept a watchful eye out on the chickens too-- none have left the yard at all now in a week, not since Maggie disappeared. Their wandering ways seem to have been directed by the boss. Now that she's gone, they are happy to stay close, thankfully...
She was in such bad shape, crying off and on a bit before pulling herself together. It is so maddening to hear her, and not be able to do anything. She agreed that she does think of pain as something to ignore, but that this is not ignorable. I tried to help her see that taking a pain pill is not "giving in", that it's been prescribed precisely for the pain cancer patients are experiencing (for gods sake!!!). Why she is resisting I do not know. I finally said, "Mom, what exactly do you think is going to happen if you try the morphine? Are you afraid it will kill you??" and there was silence for a bit before she said "yes, thats what I'm afraid of". So she has waited to take it til someone is going to be around to pick up the pieces. But of course when someone is there, she doesn't remember she was going to try it. I almost had her convinced to take it last night and let the meds do their work. But then she was too afraid that she would still wake during the night and be unable to take anything else: what if the morphine also doesn't last as long as the hydrocodone...
I had to remain very patient, and explain things step by step. She's been fighting the pain, and not accepting it. I've learned and tried to share that: by suggesting she acknowlege it entirely, and let it be overwhelming, and cry and scream if she has to, and then figure a way to make it her friend, to live with it, with respect. Kind of like living with a big dog you are training: you give it lots of room, and feed it, and be wary, but know also that it won't eat you alive if it knows you are in charge. If you are the leery one, it will sense that and not respond. Ah, well, I'm sure that analogy isn't good, but the point is to acknowlege it, and not hope-it'll-go-away-if-I-pay-no-attention-to-it. I think I scared her a bit: I suggested that if she cannot manage the pain and constipation on her own, then she needs to either be hospitalized, or request the HomeHealth Aides. She said, "you think it's time, then?" and I said, "yes I do-- you are overwhelmed with the pain and side effects, and you need that help." We both think that she is further down the path than she was told, and she is much closer to decision-making time than she'd expected.
At the end of the talk, I asked if she wanted me to call later, and she kept insisting she would be fine, just fine. Not "bravely" either, she clearly wanted to get off the phone because she was going to cry. So we hung up. I then emailed my sister, and brother, and talked with J. He and I talked and discussed how we would do this if I went up there for a few days. Then I emailed her suggesting this.
At about 7 I thought I'd call again, just because of the way she sounded. I'm so glad I did. She burst into tears again; she had just read my email and responded, knowing how difficult it was for me to finance this and get away, she wasn't sure she could ask me to do so, and more of that. But in the end I think she wants me to. The email seemed to confirm that she wants me up there, but doesn't want to ask outright, because she knows how it'll disrupt my life and responsibilities. I told her to let me figure that part out, and said I would check with my bosses tomorrow (today--and of course they are completely fine with it). So at this point I am planning to leave bright and early Friday morning, and stay through Monday. I'll leave Tuesday on the 3rd , late morning, and that way I will have met the caregivers at the chemo place, and possibly her doc too.
I received amazing emails of support from both my sister and brother. I was brought to tears myself at each of their offers of financial help to get up there. I think we can handle this right now. J is so insistent that I remain there as long as I can, because he doesn't want either of us to look back later and regret that we didn't do more or better or something... My bosses are going to a convention this weekend and won't be back til next Wednesday themselves, so this works out fine: none of us have patients, so we will just shut the office down entirely. I am *so* blessed to have found a workplace so supportive. I can't imagine being anywhere else.
So, other matters. Last night's dinner was leftover chicken, the creamed onions and the rest of the asparagus. I also had wine last night, and Saturday and Friday nights. Lunch was a piece of bread and some cheese, and a banana. Today's breakfast was a piece of French toast using raisin bread. Lunch was the last of the chicken (chopped and mixed with lo-cal and lo-fat mayo), and a pear, and some tomato slices. We spent a lot of the day yesterday working on the bedroom shelves, walls, painting, sanding and varnishing, and it's looking much better. J also figured out a way to wire the bedroom and bathroom with sound, so we can listen to music.
We kept a watchful eye out on the chickens too-- none have left the yard at all now in a week, not since Maggie disappeared. Their wandering ways seem to have been directed by the boss. Now that she's gone, they are happy to stay close, thankfully...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday, Easter
The weather today is so typical Oregon: rain, showers, clouds, grey, sunny,blue sky,windy, cold.All have happened today. Compared to yesterday, which was a tease-- absolutely perfect temps--upper 60s-- windy but not cold, sunshine, wonderful for working out side. It was the first really nice day this year. J planted stuff, we raked, he painted the front steps again. The lawn had been mowed so it all looked like a picture...
My daughter came up and we spent some time just talking. I also made deviled eggs, and cookies for dessert. I love making cookies from cake mix--so easy...and if I make them for instance out of lemon cake mix, then I am not so tempted to eat them, and J gets them all. For dinner we also had roast chicken, asparagus, and creamed onions. Yummy dinner... breakfast had been scrambled eggs with previously cooked potatoes. Lunch was--- I don't remember. I know I went to my meeting in the morning, and came home, and we had a quick lunch before heading out to the store for those last minute Easter fixins. It was only 24 hours ago-- but I just do not remember. Huh. (I was experiencing a lot of pain in my hip yesterday, and although I did walk my 2 miles, it was not as fast as I normally do. I wouldn't have gone at all, so as not to push the pain level, but it was too nice to stay inside.)
At some point during the afternoon I suddenly noticed a beautiful hawk sitting on the fence just next to the chicken pen. No sign of the chickens, but that's good--they must have stayed hidden. We all tried to figure out what kind of hawk it was, and decided it had to be either a harrier, or a peregrin falcon. Not a large bird, not like the redtailed or the marsh hawks, both of which are common here.
After dinner we watched a movie called "The King's Speech"--it was very good, and a great choice--a good review of English history. S left shortly after that, and we hit the sack too.
J has been working off and on building the shelves, repainting, refinishing things in the bedroom, and so we both worked on that today. It's now almost 4, and I'm going to try calling mom. She sent me the caring bridge info this morning, and asked me to set it up for her, so I did, happily. Hopefully she can take it from there...
My daughter came up and we spent some time just talking. I also made deviled eggs, and cookies for dessert. I love making cookies from cake mix--so easy...and if I make them for instance out of lemon cake mix, then I am not so tempted to eat them, and J gets them all. For dinner we also had roast chicken, asparagus, and creamed onions. Yummy dinner... breakfast had been scrambled eggs with previously cooked potatoes. Lunch was--- I don't remember. I know I went to my meeting in the morning, and came home, and we had a quick lunch before heading out to the store for those last minute Easter fixins. It was only 24 hours ago-- but I just do not remember. Huh. (I was experiencing a lot of pain in my hip yesterday, and although I did walk my 2 miles, it was not as fast as I normally do. I wouldn't have gone at all, so as not to push the pain level, but it was too nice to stay inside.)
At some point during the afternoon I suddenly noticed a beautiful hawk sitting on the fence just next to the chicken pen. No sign of the chickens, but that's good--they must have stayed hidden. We all tried to figure out what kind of hawk it was, and decided it had to be either a harrier, or a peregrin falcon. Not a large bird, not like the redtailed or the marsh hawks, both of which are common here.
After dinner we watched a movie called "The King's Speech"--it was very good, and a great choice--a good review of English history. S left shortly after that, and we hit the sack too.
J has been working off and on building the shelves, repainting, refinishing things in the bedroom, and so we both worked on that today. It's now almost 4, and I'm going to try calling mom. She sent me the caring bridge info this morning, and asked me to set it up for her, so I did, happily. Hopefully she can take it from there...
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday morning
Good GRIEF it's cold. It's already after 9am, and there is still frost on the grass. We have the heaters on in the dining area where I type, and the woodstove is crackling. Bright sunshine, though--that does help.
Breakfast today was a wholewheat English muffin with SmartBalance. Two cups of tea w/honey. I woke with a headache this morning--actually it woke *me* during the night so I got up and took some excedrin. Still had it when I woke later to get up. Took 2 more excedrin about 8am, along with the carafate.
Dinner last night was half a chicken breast each, with half a yam and some mixed veggies. I wasn't very hungry, and only ate about half of my plate. Earlier on the way home after my tripleA experience, I had a couple of orange sections and a granola bar. Lunch was a tuna half-sandwich and a banana. (Sometimes it seems I'm eating the same stuff over and over, but I actually don't really care about what I'm eating, only that it's low carb, low fat, low calorie, not processed, and as little in amount as possible. If that feels like a routine, then so be it. As little work as possible, and something I don't have to think about too much...) Breakfast yesterday had been oatmeal with apple chunks.
I had gone to work yesterday in jeans, and a nice top with a casual, work-appropriate sweater, and actual shoes, instead of my white clogs. I didn't have patients, but needed to get a lot done. I took the Lincoln for the first time since it was repaired, and for the first few minutes driving through town it was fine: I was getting used to the handling of it and trying to find my radio station. Once I was on the 4-lane to the highway, I picked up speed---and the whistling started. Oh. My. God. This was a shrill, keening sound which did not let up the entire ride, until I was off the highway 35 minutes later and onto the city streets driving to work. J usually calls me on the way, and I told him of course, and he was livid and puzzled and apologetic. He thought he'd fixed that...
Once I got to work I checked my schedule book and surprise! I had an actual patient coming at 1. Oops -- I don't like to appear casual, but there was no help for it... I did my work in the morning, and there was also a monitor, someone reviewing all my data entry for one of the studies. It was a crucial day-- all data had to be entered by the close of business, for a data-base lock. So every time she brought me something to correct or update I had to log into the website and make that correction, and then let her know. It was like that from 8:30 til about 1, when my patient arrived. I really like her a lot and we have a lot in common, as well as mutual friends, so that was fun. About 45 minutes later the doorbell chimed again, and I peeked out-- there was *another* of my regular patients. I'd thought she was next week, so I double checked, and no--my bad, I'd written her down wrong. Argghh!! I apologized and said I'd be there in 10 minutes when I finished up with my present subject, and she was fine with that. Sort of hurried through the rest of my first visit, and then hurried to find the paperwork for my second lady. Scrambled with that appointment, wondering if I'd forgotten anyone else. Meanwhile, in the back and forth trips from my office to the exam room, I'd been noticing the monitor had stacked book after book for me to work on--"after your patients, of course!". Yeah. Thanks.
Finished with the second lady, and BossJ came back from her class in time to get me a check for her. Double-checked that I'd written her next appt in the correct places. Finished up with all the paperwork, labs, shipping, documenting of those two visits by about 3:30. Then started on the monitor's work for me. Was exhausted by this point, plus I still had other work to do, end of the week stuff and reports. Was confused by one of the corrections the monitor had me making but kept doing those corrections in several subject's books. Finally thought to mention to BossJ about these corrections--she was horrified; I do remember there was some confusion over these subject visits way back when they first were being done, last fall. We thought we'd straightened these out back then, but of course we had a different monitor, too; this lady was fairly new, and yet still reviewing those old visits. BossJ went and spoke with the monitor about those corrections, and meanwhile I thought "oh, no---what if I have to stay even later to correct the corrections?"
But no. Thankfully, this turned out not to be an issue. BossJ and I hugged goodbye and wished each other Happy Easter, and I trudged out the door at 4:30. The Lincoln was sitting there faithfully---and when I got in, it wouldn't start. I tried again, and suddenly a dreadful thought occurred to me: when I'd arrived at work I hadn't turned off the headlights...There's nothing worse than realizing that dead battery is your own damn fault. This car doesn't have a reminder bell telling you that something needs to be done before you get out of the car...
I called J, and he was so sympathetic. I ended up asking BossM to give me a jump with his car, which he was happy to do. Except that it didn't work. The cars were joined together for about 25 minutes--nothing. I called J again, and long story short, AAA came about 30 minutes later, and their big charger got the car started right away... I drove home the "slow" way, so I wouldn't feel pressed to keep the speed up. I had no heat on, no radio, and no lights. I drove in silence---except for that shrill, keening whistle. Which started at around 40mph. I pulled in the driveway just before 7, and sat there, idling, til J came out and hugged me so hard. He felt so badly for me. He'd had a rotten day too, in various ways...but he'd gotten me a bottle of the white zinfandel I love. I toasted him when I got inside with a "here's to Friday!!"
I admired all the work he'd done-- the house was spotless even though he'd been working with cutting and putting up drywall; he'd mowed the lawn; the animals had kept meowing and /or barking to be let in or out even more than usual apparently; and he'd done his first "mystery shopper" job at a major oil change chain. Plus our other errands: returning books to the library, dropping stuff off at Goodwill, visiting Habitat for the drywall, stopping at Safeway to pick up the prescription I'd been getting automated reminder calls about--there *was* no prescription, so it must have been a glitch; and stopping to get that bottle of wine. He'd even prepared dinner-- all that had to be done was to broil the chicken breast.
After a glass of wine I was feeling much better. My son J and I texted back and forth. I'm so proud of him: he let me know the box I'd sent had arrived and how thankful and appreciative he was, and then also said he hadn't had a drink in 2 weeks! I was thrilled...and congratulated him. It's hard not to overdo the thrill and pride---but I want him to be doing this on his own, not because he's waiting for me to say something. If and when he does quit, it's got to be his choice. So that's a fine line to be walking-- proud of him, but emphasizing how proud he must be of himself... he also said he hadn't had any pot in over 6 weeks. Interestingly, he said the pot was not a problem to give up---it was much harder to stop the alcohol, yet he stuck with it. Yay Ja!!!! I am so (tentatively) happy for him. Hope this lasts. TYG.
S will come up for Easter dinner, tomorrow instead of Sunday, because of her work schedule. I don't know what we'll plan...we'll figure that out later. Today I want to get those roses planted, and J wants to plant the onions.
We're getting over the shock of losing Maggie the chicken. Slowly getting used to seeing only 3 out there---and they are not leaving the yard, either. Daisy the BarredRock seems to be taking over as the leader. She's so funny: J reported seeing her outside the back door, peering in at him. When he went to open the door, she backed away, squawking, and so he shut the door and went back in. A few minutes later there she was again, louder this time, so he went outside, and she backed away. FINE. A few minutes later once again, louder still, and this time he went out, and followed her--which is what she'd wanted all along. She stood outside the pen til he noticed the coop door was closed--and she couldn't get in. The minute he opened it, she rushed in and laid an egg! She had been telling him she needed to get inside... she is pretty smart.
Murphy is gently nudging my knee; let me re-phrase that--he is barking, and standing at my side as I type, with his little paws on my thigh, staring at me and whining with an expectant face... I will guess he wants us to go for a walk...
Breakfast today was a wholewheat English muffin with SmartBalance. Two cups of tea w/honey. I woke with a headache this morning--actually it woke *me* during the night so I got up and took some excedrin. Still had it when I woke later to get up. Took 2 more excedrin about 8am, along with the carafate.
Dinner last night was half a chicken breast each, with half a yam and some mixed veggies. I wasn't very hungry, and only ate about half of my plate. Earlier on the way home after my tripleA experience, I had a couple of orange sections and a granola bar. Lunch was a tuna half-sandwich and a banana. (Sometimes it seems I'm eating the same stuff over and over, but I actually don't really care about what I'm eating, only that it's low carb, low fat, low calorie, not processed, and as little in amount as possible. If that feels like a routine, then so be it. As little work as possible, and something I don't have to think about too much...) Breakfast yesterday had been oatmeal with apple chunks.
I had gone to work yesterday in jeans, and a nice top with a casual, work-appropriate sweater, and actual shoes, instead of my white clogs. I didn't have patients, but needed to get a lot done. I took the Lincoln for the first time since it was repaired, and for the first few minutes driving through town it was fine: I was getting used to the handling of it and trying to find my radio station. Once I was on the 4-lane to the highway, I picked up speed---and the whistling started. Oh. My. God. This was a shrill, keening sound which did not let up the entire ride, until I was off the highway 35 minutes later and onto the city streets driving to work. J usually calls me on the way, and I told him of course, and he was livid and puzzled and apologetic. He thought he'd fixed that...
Once I got to work I checked my schedule book and surprise! I had an actual patient coming at 1. Oops -- I don't like to appear casual, but there was no help for it... I did my work in the morning, and there was also a monitor, someone reviewing all my data entry for one of the studies. It was a crucial day-- all data had to be entered by the close of business, for a data-base lock. So every time she brought me something to correct or update I had to log into the website and make that correction, and then let her know. It was like that from 8:30 til about 1, when my patient arrived. I really like her a lot and we have a lot in common, as well as mutual friends, so that was fun. About 45 minutes later the doorbell chimed again, and I peeked out-- there was *another* of my regular patients. I'd thought she was next week, so I double checked, and no--my bad, I'd written her down wrong. Argghh!! I apologized and said I'd be there in 10 minutes when I finished up with my present subject, and she was fine with that. Sort of hurried through the rest of my first visit, and then hurried to find the paperwork for my second lady. Scrambled with that appointment, wondering if I'd forgotten anyone else. Meanwhile, in the back and forth trips from my office to the exam room, I'd been noticing the monitor had stacked book after book for me to work on--"after your patients, of course!". Yeah. Thanks.
Finished with the second lady, and BossJ came back from her class in time to get me a check for her. Double-checked that I'd written her next appt in the correct places. Finished up with all the paperwork, labs, shipping, documenting of those two visits by about 3:30. Then started on the monitor's work for me. Was exhausted by this point, plus I still had other work to do, end of the week stuff and reports. Was confused by one of the corrections the monitor had me making but kept doing those corrections in several subject's books. Finally thought to mention to BossJ about these corrections--she was horrified; I do remember there was some confusion over these subject visits way back when they first were being done, last fall. We thought we'd straightened these out back then, but of course we had a different monitor, too; this lady was fairly new, and yet still reviewing those old visits. BossJ went and spoke with the monitor about those corrections, and meanwhile I thought "oh, no---what if I have to stay even later to correct the corrections?"
But no. Thankfully, this turned out not to be an issue. BossJ and I hugged goodbye and wished each other Happy Easter, and I trudged out the door at 4:30. The Lincoln was sitting there faithfully---and when I got in, it wouldn't start. I tried again, and suddenly a dreadful thought occurred to me: when I'd arrived at work I hadn't turned off the headlights...There's nothing worse than realizing that dead battery is your own damn fault. This car doesn't have a reminder bell telling you that something needs to be done before you get out of the car...
I called J, and he was so sympathetic. I ended up asking BossM to give me a jump with his car, which he was happy to do. Except that it didn't work. The cars were joined together for about 25 minutes--nothing. I called J again, and long story short, AAA came about 30 minutes later, and their big charger got the car started right away... I drove home the "slow" way, so I wouldn't feel pressed to keep the speed up. I had no heat on, no radio, and no lights. I drove in silence---except for that shrill, keening whistle. Which started at around 40mph. I pulled in the driveway just before 7, and sat there, idling, til J came out and hugged me so hard. He felt so badly for me. He'd had a rotten day too, in various ways...but he'd gotten me a bottle of the white zinfandel I love. I toasted him when I got inside with a "here's to Friday!!"
I admired all the work he'd done-- the house was spotless even though he'd been working with cutting and putting up drywall; he'd mowed the lawn; the animals had kept meowing and /or barking to be let in or out even more than usual apparently; and he'd done his first "mystery shopper" job at a major oil change chain. Plus our other errands: returning books to the library, dropping stuff off at Goodwill, visiting Habitat for the drywall, stopping at Safeway to pick up the prescription I'd been getting automated reminder calls about--there *was* no prescription, so it must have been a glitch; and stopping to get that bottle of wine. He'd even prepared dinner-- all that had to be done was to broil the chicken breast.
After a glass of wine I was feeling much better. My son J and I texted back and forth. I'm so proud of him: he let me know the box I'd sent had arrived and how thankful and appreciative he was, and then also said he hadn't had a drink in 2 weeks! I was thrilled...and congratulated him. It's hard not to overdo the thrill and pride---but I want him to be doing this on his own, not because he's waiting for me to say something. If and when he does quit, it's got to be his choice. So that's a fine line to be walking-- proud of him, but emphasizing how proud he must be of himself... he also said he hadn't had any pot in over 6 weeks. Interestingly, he said the pot was not a problem to give up---it was much harder to stop the alcohol, yet he stuck with it. Yay Ja!!!! I am so (tentatively) happy for him. Hope this lasts. TYG.
S will come up for Easter dinner, tomorrow instead of Sunday, because of her work schedule. I don't know what we'll plan...we'll figure that out later. Today I want to get those roses planted, and J wants to plant the onions.
We're getting over the shock of losing Maggie the chicken. Slowly getting used to seeing only 3 out there---and they are not leaving the yard, either. Daisy the BarredRock seems to be taking over as the leader. She's so funny: J reported seeing her outside the back door, peering in at him. When he went to open the door, she backed away, squawking, and so he shut the door and went back in. A few minutes later there she was again, louder this time, so he went outside, and she backed away. FINE. A few minutes later once again, louder still, and this time he went out, and followed her--which is what she'd wanted all along. She stood outside the pen til he noticed the coop door was closed--and she couldn't get in. The minute he opened it, she rushed in and laid an egg! She had been telling him she needed to get inside... she is pretty smart.
Murphy is gently nudging my knee; let me re-phrase that--he is barking, and standing at my side as I type, with his little paws on my thigh, staring at me and whining with an expectant face... I will guess he wants us to go for a walk...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday night
My daughter came to work today and did me a wonderful favor: she removed all the personal stuff from my old phone, the Blackberry. Now I am able to sell it. Hopefully, someone will buy it! It was great to see her--she is now a published writer again, and this time for a national website called Her Campus, an online publication for college women. She wrote her first article on the footwear most common on her campus, and the next article will be on yoga. Pretty exciting!
I was able to leave work at 1:45 today, to go meet a special friend, C. She arrived at the restaurant at the same time I did, and we had a wonderful get together for an hour.
For breakfast this morning I had a piece of French toast, and for lunch I had half a pb and butter sandwich, and a banana, and some cut-up fruit on the way home. Dinner was made by me tonight, after I got home from my walk. I had angel-hair pasta and sliced tomatoes and a couple of stalks of asparagus, and J had the rest of the cheese raviolis with tomato sauce, and the tomatoes and asparagus, too. A very good dinner.
Our neighbor's landlord is a friend of J's, and he brought two asparagus plants for us Monday afternoon, so J has already planted them. We also have two climbing rose bushes, just bought on Saturday. We got the last two, on sale for $3.50 each. I'm planning on planting them Friday. Hope they really do climb!
I'm pretty tired tonight. J has been working on the shelves now since Sunday, and I always forget how much time it takes to do this; involving removing the existing framework, and re-finishing stuff, and various tools, and other steps I don't even know about. There's a lot of mess around, and while I do understand it's necessary, it sort of is discouraging. I'm not good at living with "remodeling"...
Okay, enough...
I was able to leave work at 1:45 today, to go meet a special friend, C. She arrived at the restaurant at the same time I did, and we had a wonderful get together for an hour.
For breakfast this morning I had a piece of French toast, and for lunch I had half a pb and butter sandwich, and a banana, and some cut-up fruit on the way home. Dinner was made by me tonight, after I got home from my walk. I had angel-hair pasta and sliced tomatoes and a couple of stalks of asparagus, and J had the rest of the cheese raviolis with tomato sauce, and the tomatoes and asparagus, too. A very good dinner.
Our neighbor's landlord is a friend of J's, and he brought two asparagus plants for us Monday afternoon, so J has already planted them. We also have two climbing rose bushes, just bought on Saturday. We got the last two, on sale for $3.50 each. I'm planning on planting them Friday. Hope they really do climb!
I'm pretty tired tonight. J has been working on the shelves now since Sunday, and I always forget how much time it takes to do this; involving removing the existing framework, and re-finishing stuff, and various tools, and other steps I don't even know about. There's a lot of mess around, and while I do understand it's necessary, it sort of is discouraging. I'm not good at living with "remodeling"...
Okay, enough...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Tuesday--weird events
One of the chickens has returned. Last night as I was cleaning up after dinner I happened to look out in the yard by the coop, and there was the speckled hen, Daisy! I cried out "Daisy!!" and J said, "what!--what??" I hurried outside and began calling her while I was still on the deck before I even hit the ground. She heard me and came running, flapping her wings and talking to me, chattering of all that had happened. She was *so* happy to see me, and to go back in the cage with Lucy and Ethel. She jumped on the food, and as she ate I checked her over: she appeared wet and bedraggled on her rump feathers, but other than that I could find nothing wrong. I have absolutely no clue where she came from or what happened. But I was so happy she was back. Maggie is still gone. The three left ate together, and I gave them all fresh hay.
After I'd petted her and calmed her down enough that I felt okay to leave her, I went back inside to finish. During the evening I kept glancing out the window hopefully, looking for Maggie. I could see the three of them standing in a circle, heads together, all grooming each other. So sweet. By full dark she hadn't returned, and I could hear the coyotes. Strange things happen...maybe an owl?
When I'd originally gotten home at 5, I learned that J had felt odd earlier, and called 911 on himself. That was scary--but he ended up being fine. They came and checked him out, and said he didn't need to go to the ER. He'd been inside in a small, unventilated room working with fumes from the varnish, and probably hadn't drank enough water. On top of that, a friend came by bringing leftover pizza (from a place we normally don't go) and shared it with J for lunch. So somewhere in there all that set him off: he was dizzy, felt weak, some stomach pain too. Z had come over fortunately so he stayed there with his dad til I got home. Naturally I didn't go for my walk. J was lying down on the bed with his eyes closed from the time I got home til about 6. Then he did come out to listen to the news with me--actually watching it made him dizzy, so he kept his eyes closed. He just had milk toast for dinner. I had the rest of my fruit, and later a piece of bread and butter.
It's been so cold in the evenings; we still need the woodstove on, so I had to get wood a couple times. Night-time temps are in the low 30s range, and daytime it's sunny but only mid 50s. This morning there was frost on the ground, and yet, bright sun as I headed east to the highway. J was feeling much much better. We had breakfast of a poached egg on one piece of raisin toast.
When I got to work I discovered my office door was locked...and I do not have a key. The door has never been locked, in all my almost 4 years here. I tried all my keys, and while 2 would insert just fine, they didn't open the door. I asked DrM as a joke, "did you lock my door??" and he said "I'm sorry, but C (his wife, the office manager) locked your door before I could tell her not to, in all the chaos here last night". I said "what chaos? And he told me the CMA (up there in his half of the building) had been caught calling in narcotics for herself, so they had called the police who ended up meeting her as she was coming out of the pharmacy from picking up the rx. The police escorted her here and she was confronted and arrested. C was afraid somehow this girl would get back in to the building and steal stuff...so they locked up everything possible. Jeez. Not only was that an illegal and immoral thing to do, but the previous CMA was also arrested for doing the exact same thing, and the current CMA *knew* of this!! What an idiot... what was she thinking??? She has totally ruined her career--no medical office will ever hire her.
In the meantime, I had no way to get in, therefore no access to the paperwork I needed to see my two patients this morning... I called BossJ and left a message for her, left all my stuff in her office, and tried to recreate what I could remember for the first patients at least. When I explained to them what had happened they were totally fine with it, and the visit went just fine. Just as they were finishing the Bosses arrived, and immediately went to work trying all keys. Eventually they did find one that worked...phew! They also had to change the door alarm code, and change passwords, etc. What a mess. My other patient arrived in the middle of this, but she also is a very nice lady, and everything went just fine with her, too.
Lunch for me wasn't til about noon: I had a half tuna sandwich, and some cheese, and a banana. It's about 2:30 now, and I've heard from mom about her chemo, only because she cc'd me on an email to a different friend also inquiring... She sounds as if she is okay with it being palliative only, rather than a treatment option.
I'll try calling tonight just to check in.
After I'd petted her and calmed her down enough that I felt okay to leave her, I went back inside to finish. During the evening I kept glancing out the window hopefully, looking for Maggie. I could see the three of them standing in a circle, heads together, all grooming each other. So sweet. By full dark she hadn't returned, and I could hear the coyotes. Strange things happen...maybe an owl?
When I'd originally gotten home at 5, I learned that J had felt odd earlier, and called 911 on himself. That was scary--but he ended up being fine. They came and checked him out, and said he didn't need to go to the ER. He'd been inside in a small, unventilated room working with fumes from the varnish, and probably hadn't drank enough water. On top of that, a friend came by bringing leftover pizza (from a place we normally don't go) and shared it with J for lunch. So somewhere in there all that set him off: he was dizzy, felt weak, some stomach pain too. Z had come over fortunately so he stayed there with his dad til I got home. Naturally I didn't go for my walk. J was lying down on the bed with his eyes closed from the time I got home til about 6. Then he did come out to listen to the news with me--actually watching it made him dizzy, so he kept his eyes closed. He just had milk toast for dinner. I had the rest of my fruit, and later a piece of bread and butter.
It's been so cold in the evenings; we still need the woodstove on, so I had to get wood a couple times. Night-time temps are in the low 30s range, and daytime it's sunny but only mid 50s. This morning there was frost on the ground, and yet, bright sun as I headed east to the highway. J was feeling much much better. We had breakfast of a poached egg on one piece of raisin toast.
When I got to work I discovered my office door was locked...and I do not have a key. The door has never been locked, in all my almost 4 years here. I tried all my keys, and while 2 would insert just fine, they didn't open the door. I asked DrM as a joke, "did you lock my door??" and he said "I'm sorry, but C (his wife, the office manager) locked your door before I could tell her not to, in all the chaos here last night". I said "what chaos? And he told me the CMA (up there in his half of the building) had been caught calling in narcotics for herself, so they had called the police who ended up meeting her as she was coming out of the pharmacy from picking up the rx. The police escorted her here and she was confronted and arrested. C was afraid somehow this girl would get back in to the building and steal stuff...so they locked up everything possible. Jeez. Not only was that an illegal and immoral thing to do, but the previous CMA was also arrested for doing the exact same thing, and the current CMA *knew* of this!! What an idiot... what was she thinking??? She has totally ruined her career--no medical office will ever hire her.
In the meantime, I had no way to get in, therefore no access to the paperwork I needed to see my two patients this morning... I called BossJ and left a message for her, left all my stuff in her office, and tried to recreate what I could remember for the first patients at least. When I explained to them what had happened they were totally fine with it, and the visit went just fine. Just as they were finishing the Bosses arrived, and immediately went to work trying all keys. Eventually they did find one that worked...phew! They also had to change the door alarm code, and change passwords, etc. What a mess. My other patient arrived in the middle of this, but she also is a very nice lady, and everything went just fine with her, too.
Lunch for me wasn't til about noon: I had a half tuna sandwich, and some cheese, and a banana. It's about 2:30 now, and I've heard from mom about her chemo, only because she cc'd me on an email to a different friend also inquiring... She sounds as if she is okay with it being palliative only, rather than a treatment option.
I'll try calling tonight just to check in.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, 4/18
We got our little chickens a bit over a year ago. They have grown to be lovely egg producers, and somewhat pets, although they certainly don't respond to us calling them by their names, Maggie, Ethel, Daisy, Lucy. We love seeing them out there in the coop, and love hearing the joyous cackling when an egg is produced. The sparrows, juncos, chickadees, jays etc all hop in and out of the coop and feed right along with the chickens, as they forage. It just feels like home. And the sounds the chickens make as I'm in there feeding or watering or just settling in there with them are so charming, so soothing.
Yesterday we let them out for only the second day this spring so far, and kept an eye on them off and on most of the day. I last saw all four together just as we left for our walk. Later after dinner,and cleaning up, and getting ready for Monday, I went to shut the coop and pen doors, and there were only 2 of the ladies in the coop. Hmmm. I went searching. Then I went inside and got a flashlight, and searched more thoroughly. I went to the neighbors' yards, and called, swinging the flashlight around. No sounds in response. No sign of them. I came back in and told J, who was just about to take his nightly bath. Instead he got dressed again and *he* made the rounds, looking all over. As it was full dark when he got back, we were *sure* they'd "come home to roost". But no. It was a very puzzling dilemma. We hadn't heard any noises, two *were* back and sleepy, no piles of feathers anywhere. Nothing. They have just vanished.
This morning J called one neighbor who reported they'd been in her yard late yesterday, and were briefly chased by a dog who was visiting them. That dog fell in the creek which is deeper where they are, and that stopped him chasing anymore. But the chickens had run, squawking, and disappeared. H&H haven't seen them since.
We are both so sad, and puzzled, and also still hopeful that somehow they survived the night somewhere. Maybe they are just lost? Maybe when J goes out searching and calling that will be a familiar sound to them, and they will come running?
So the two left in the coop (because now we are probably not going to let them roam the yard again) are-- Lucy and Ethel. Figures. Lucy is the golden tan-ish Aracuna, and the other is a Black, although in reality she is a lovely golden brown mixed with black.
Here's hoping they are home when I get home...
Yesterday we let them out for only the second day this spring so far, and kept an eye on them off and on most of the day. I last saw all four together just as we left for our walk. Later after dinner,and cleaning up, and getting ready for Monday, I went to shut the coop and pen doors, and there were only 2 of the ladies in the coop. Hmmm. I went searching. Then I went inside and got a flashlight, and searched more thoroughly. I went to the neighbors' yards, and called, swinging the flashlight around. No sounds in response. No sign of them. I came back in and told J, who was just about to take his nightly bath. Instead he got dressed again and *he* made the rounds, looking all over. As it was full dark when he got back, we were *sure* they'd "come home to roost". But no. It was a very puzzling dilemma. We hadn't heard any noises, two *were* back and sleepy, no piles of feathers anywhere. Nothing. They have just vanished.
This morning J called one neighbor who reported they'd been in her yard late yesterday, and were briefly chased by a dog who was visiting them. That dog fell in the creek which is deeper where they are, and that stopped him chasing anymore. But the chickens had run, squawking, and disappeared. H&H haven't seen them since.
We are both so sad, and puzzled, and also still hopeful that somehow they survived the night somewhere. Maybe they are just lost? Maybe when J goes out searching and calling that will be a familiar sound to them, and they will come running?
So the two left in the coop (because now we are probably not going to let them roam the yard again) are-- Lucy and Ethel. Figures. Lucy is the golden tan-ish Aracuna, and the other is a Black, although in reality she is a lovely golden brown mixed with black.
Here's hoping they are home when I get home...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunday,7pm
Dinner was cheese raviolis and broccoli. I had never tried the cheese raviolis, and while I'm glad I did, I don't think much of them. Lunch was soup and crackers, breakfast was eggs scrambled with veggies, and a piece of raisin toast. I've switched to teas-other-than-breakfast-tea. so today's was mint. Then we tackled the plans for today. We moved the kitchen table to a corner of the kitchen( instead of just under the long window). Gives more of a sense of space. Fixed the shower curtain with the duct tape bought yesterday. Fed and watered the chickens, letting them out to roam the yard, after clearing it with the neighbors-- because the chickens might like to roam in *their* yards. The chickens are so happy to be out and free-- it makes me feel good to see how excited they are. Started and finished laundry, vacuuming, dishes, dusting.
Then the big job: adding shelves to the bedroom. Sounds easy, but it actually involved removing all clothes from the temporary shelves built almost 3 years ago when I first moved up here. Then removing all the shoes and hanging items... and then tearing all the drywall out and off the wall, discovering old-growth fir underneath. Also discovered a mouse nest...long discarded. Then J sanded and varnished, and sanded and varnished again, letting each coat dry in between. Meanwhile we dug and looked for suitable shelving material in the various piles J has, and found the perfect raw material. J then had to measure and cut, decided how many shelves, and how far apart they should be, then cut them down to size. In between all this we had lunch, and did our walk. By the time we actually walked it was about 3pm, and I'd been standing most of the day: my back and hip were just aching from that bursitis. I'd already taken a tramadol that morning, and during the walk (after realizing I was still having a lot of pain even after stretching) J insisted we turn around and go home. I agreed, but felt bad about cutting the walk short. So we probably did a mile altogether.
However, once I was home and lying down after taking another tramadol, and placing a rice sock under my aching back, I did feel a lot better. I read "The Color Purple" for awhile, J worked on the wood, and then I tried calling mom. Finally got through the third time, catching her just waking up. She described the pain she was having, and feels the cancer has metastasized already, based on the area and severity of the pain. Her friend Lyn had emailed me an "intro to Lyn" this morning, and we talked about that a bit.
She's only doing chemo once a week, and it is strictly to see if that will help the pain level. She expects no recovery, basically, and will stop it if the pain is not relieved. Right now for pain she has oxycontin and hydrocodone, with morphine available if those aren't working. The oxycontin and hydrocodone keep the pain level tolerable although nothing makes it go away entirely. She is waiting to try the morphine until she has someone around her just in case of a reaction, as she is not sure of the effect it will have on her body.
She's also talked to Hospice, and found out that since she is technically receiving treatment, she isn't eligible for Hospice yet. But as soon as she does stop, Hospice will begin, and it will be in 24/7 shifts.
She isn't happy with the oncologist, still. I said, "Mom, since you're going there tomorrow anyway for the chemo, why not just say to them 'Hey, is there another oncologist I could see?' " She was all, "Oh! that's a good idea!" To me that seems like a no-brainer. But because of the amount of pain she is having, the simplest things seem overwhelming, and daunting. She still hasn't tried the inhaler, because of technical difficulties. I suggested she bring it to the appt tomorrow to ask them again how to manage it-- "Oh! that's right, I could do that!"
She insists the cancer isn't from smoking, but isn't clear on where it could have come from. Because it isn't "lung cancer" she says, it's Pleural Cancer, quite different... Sigh.
It was about an hour long call. We talked about assisted suicide, and she wondered what I thought about that---I'm all for the patient having the power/choice to decide what to do, and how to end their life, especially if one is given a terminal diagnosis. She was relieved to hear that. She asked how it worked in Oregon, so I related what I knew, and she will be looking into the process in WA state. She definitely wants that as an option.
And we also talked about what the "reason" is for her developing cancer. I said, "Mom-- hello--- smoking???" That was when she told me her cancer wasn't from smoking, as it was pleural cancer. We talked about what the reason for it might be, as in The Big Picture. I suggested that maybe it's to give her a chance to plan, to make amends, to visit people or have them visit one last time, to go to a place she's always wanted to go to, to say,"Yes,I'll have the chocolate mousse for dessert *and* for breakfast!" Or whatever-- she's been given a length of time with which to do exactly what she wants, to tie up loose ends, to have a chance to write personal messages to loved ones, for instance. In one sense, 6 months doesn't seem anywhere near long enough. In another, 6 months can be plenty, depending on one's energy level. She seemed very thoughtful. She asked about my health issues, too, so I brought her up to date. She'd had an endoscopy too, and was able to reassure me what the process was like.
After this long talk, during which J cleaned up the work mess, he brought me my meds. It was getting close to dinner, and so we watched the news, and then I made cookies for him after dinner. The chickens are heading back to their coop, as it's getting darker outside.
My one son called to let me know he'd gotten my text telling him his box is on the way, and was pretty excited and thankful. My daughter called, having worked a very long day, and still had to go back this evening. My other son's gf emailed me to ask if I could help them out and get N back to Denver, as he is in Amarillo with the sales crew and is scheduled to do his community service next week. I said gently no, we couldn't help; and reminded her/them that we had helped him out 18 months ago with his multiple legal fines, and told him at that time there would be no more financial help. He understood. The gf emailed me back "thanks", and so I don't know what will happen. He is in his Higher Power's hands.
I'm wiped out, and very pleased with how this day has gone in general. I have no patients tomorrow, and that will give me a chance to prepare for more patients in the new studies.
G'nite all.
Then the big job: adding shelves to the bedroom. Sounds easy, but it actually involved removing all clothes from the temporary shelves built almost 3 years ago when I first moved up here. Then removing all the shoes and hanging items... and then tearing all the drywall out and off the wall, discovering old-growth fir underneath. Also discovered a mouse nest...long discarded. Then J sanded and varnished, and sanded and varnished again, letting each coat dry in between. Meanwhile we dug and looked for suitable shelving material in the various piles J has, and found the perfect raw material. J then had to measure and cut, decided how many shelves, and how far apart they should be, then cut them down to size. In between all this we had lunch, and did our walk. By the time we actually walked it was about 3pm, and I'd been standing most of the day: my back and hip were just aching from that bursitis. I'd already taken a tramadol that morning, and during the walk (after realizing I was still having a lot of pain even after stretching) J insisted we turn around and go home. I agreed, but felt bad about cutting the walk short. So we probably did a mile altogether.
However, once I was home and lying down after taking another tramadol, and placing a rice sock under my aching back, I did feel a lot better. I read "The Color Purple" for awhile, J worked on the wood, and then I tried calling mom. Finally got through the third time, catching her just waking up. She described the pain she was having, and feels the cancer has metastasized already, based on the area and severity of the pain. Her friend Lyn had emailed me an "intro to Lyn" this morning, and we talked about that a bit.
She's only doing chemo once a week, and it is strictly to see if that will help the pain level. She expects no recovery, basically, and will stop it if the pain is not relieved. Right now for pain she has oxycontin and hydrocodone, with morphine available if those aren't working. The oxycontin and hydrocodone keep the pain level tolerable although nothing makes it go away entirely. She is waiting to try the morphine until she has someone around her just in case of a reaction, as she is not sure of the effect it will have on her body.
She's also talked to Hospice, and found out that since she is technically receiving treatment, she isn't eligible for Hospice yet. But as soon as she does stop, Hospice will begin, and it will be in 24/7 shifts.
She isn't happy with the oncologist, still. I said, "Mom, since you're going there tomorrow anyway for the chemo, why not just say to them 'Hey, is there another oncologist I could see?' " She was all, "Oh! that's a good idea!" To me that seems like a no-brainer. But because of the amount of pain she is having, the simplest things seem overwhelming, and daunting. She still hasn't tried the inhaler, because of technical difficulties. I suggested she bring it to the appt tomorrow to ask them again how to manage it-- "Oh! that's right, I could do that!"
She insists the cancer isn't from smoking, but isn't clear on where it could have come from. Because it isn't "lung cancer" she says, it's Pleural Cancer, quite different... Sigh.
It was about an hour long call. We talked about assisted suicide, and she wondered what I thought about that---I'm all for the patient having the power/choice to decide what to do, and how to end their life, especially if one is given a terminal diagnosis. She was relieved to hear that. She asked how it worked in Oregon, so I related what I knew, and she will be looking into the process in WA state. She definitely wants that as an option.
And we also talked about what the "reason" is for her developing cancer. I said, "Mom-- hello--- smoking???" That was when she told me her cancer wasn't from smoking, as it was pleural cancer. We talked about what the reason for it might be, as in The Big Picture. I suggested that maybe it's to give her a chance to plan, to make amends, to visit people or have them visit one last time, to go to a place she's always wanted to go to, to say,"Yes,I'll have the chocolate mousse for dessert *and* for breakfast!" Or whatever-- she's been given a length of time with which to do exactly what she wants, to tie up loose ends, to have a chance to write personal messages to loved ones, for instance. In one sense, 6 months doesn't seem anywhere near long enough. In another, 6 months can be plenty, depending on one's energy level. She seemed very thoughtful. She asked about my health issues, too, so I brought her up to date. She'd had an endoscopy too, and was able to reassure me what the process was like.
After this long talk, during which J cleaned up the work mess, he brought me my meds. It was getting close to dinner, and so we watched the news, and then I made cookies for him after dinner. The chickens are heading back to their coop, as it's getting darker outside.
My one son called to let me know he'd gotten my text telling him his box is on the way, and was pretty excited and thankful. My daughter called, having worked a very long day, and still had to go back this evening. My other son's gf emailed me to ask if I could help them out and get N back to Denver, as he is in Amarillo with the sales crew and is scheduled to do his community service next week. I said gently no, we couldn't help; and reminded her/them that we had helped him out 18 months ago with his multiple legal fines, and told him at that time there would be no more financial help. He understood. The gf emailed me back "thanks", and so I don't know what will happen. He is in his Higher Power's hands.
I'm wiped out, and very pleased with how this day has gone in general. I have no patients tomorrow, and that will give me a chance to prepare for more patients in the new studies.
G'nite all.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Saturday
Our little fox squirrel is sitting about a foot away from me on the feeder. So cute. Yesterday morning as we sat planning the day, in the pouring rain there appeared a hummingbird, flitting around the tree next to the window. It's in full bloom, whatever it is, and the white upside down blossoms provide a lot of nectar for the hummers. I love seeing them.
My daughter drove up yesterday afternoon, and spent the day until about 10pm with us. We had a great time; after the news and dinner, we started to watch the Harry Potter movie which she had already downloaded, but there was a bit of an issue with transferring it to our TV...and the watermark was clearly visible. Plus, no sub-titles, and at this stage in my life those English accents are a bit difficult to understand as the story progresses. So she and I ended up watching "Tangled" instead, which I loved. (J went to bed after the HP fail, as we had had a long day.)
We'd gotten up early, and just after breakfast (one piece of French toast for each), we headed out to do grocery shopping, stopped at three or 4 different places for our various errands, and finally at Albertson's to get my son the special steak seasoning he loves--he's asked me a few times to ship it to him since it's not available in Denver. Home then, for lunch of fruit and one leftover piece of pizza. Then we did our bills, and mailed those, after which we went and finally! registered the Lincoln. J had thought it would be $50, leaving us plenty with which to mail at least one of the boys' boxes, but the costs of registering have gone up like everything else. But at least now it's legal to drive, and I can now drive it one day a week to my work-town, sparing the mileage on the Honda.
One of my high school friends (living in Hawaii now) posted that to fill her car there cost her $98...because the price of gas there is $4.83 a gallon. That's almost exactly a dollar more per gallon than we are paying. Yikes.
Anyway, S and I talked most of the afternoon, and debated on walking--but it was pouring rain all day long, and we voted not to...much cozier to stay home by the fire and chat. Good times. Dinner was fish, and a half-yam, and broccoli. J had bought me a Cadbury creme egg for a sweet last night, and so I also had one of those. J made popcorn for us all to munch during the movie. Too bad we didn't get to watch that, but it just means I will be buying it today, if I can find it for a good price in this town.
Mom had her port installed yesterday, and wrote that it was on the right side of her upper chest, near the collar bone. Apparently they are also considering radiation at some point, so since her cancer is on the left, they set up the port on the right. She starts chemo Monday, and the first session will be 3 and a half hours, with the rest of them taking 3 hours. She drives herself back and forth, or at least that's the plan now...we'll see how she responds. She sounded completely drained. I don't know how often the chemo is scheduled for, or how she will hold up--guess that remains to be seen.
Yesterday was such a great day; I love those days when I can check off so many items on my to-do lists. Today will be an AlAnon meeting, and then I'm *planning* a long walk afterwards, to make up for the lack two days in a row...we'll see what the weather does. I got to buy a new paperback also. Not that I need more to read, but I have more choices now! Also I am still working on my cross-stitch kits in the evenings. I find them so peaceful, so calming. There's no rain today, but it's cloudy and cool. Last night however we were able to leave a window open a bit overnight--that breeze felt good.
My daughter drove up yesterday afternoon, and spent the day until about 10pm with us. We had a great time; after the news and dinner, we started to watch the Harry Potter movie which she had already downloaded, but there was a bit of an issue with transferring it to our TV...and the watermark was clearly visible. Plus, no sub-titles, and at this stage in my life those English accents are a bit difficult to understand as the story progresses. So she and I ended up watching "Tangled" instead, which I loved. (J went to bed after the HP fail, as we had had a long day.)
We'd gotten up early, and just after breakfast (one piece of French toast for each), we headed out to do grocery shopping, stopped at three or 4 different places for our various errands, and finally at Albertson's to get my son the special steak seasoning he loves--he's asked me a few times to ship it to him since it's not available in Denver. Home then, for lunch of fruit and one leftover piece of pizza. Then we did our bills, and mailed those, after which we went and finally! registered the Lincoln. J had thought it would be $50, leaving us plenty with which to mail at least one of the boys' boxes, but the costs of registering have gone up like everything else. But at least now it's legal to drive, and I can now drive it one day a week to my work-town, sparing the mileage on the Honda.
One of my high school friends (living in Hawaii now) posted that to fill her car there cost her $98...because the price of gas there is $4.83 a gallon. That's almost exactly a dollar more per gallon than we are paying. Yikes.
Anyway, S and I talked most of the afternoon, and debated on walking--but it was pouring rain all day long, and we voted not to...much cozier to stay home by the fire and chat. Good times. Dinner was fish, and a half-yam, and broccoli. J had bought me a Cadbury creme egg for a sweet last night, and so I also had one of those. J made popcorn for us all to munch during the movie. Too bad we didn't get to watch that, but it just means I will be buying it today, if I can find it for a good price in this town.
Mom had her port installed yesterday, and wrote that it was on the right side of her upper chest, near the collar bone. Apparently they are also considering radiation at some point, so since her cancer is on the left, they set up the port on the right. She starts chemo Monday, and the first session will be 3 and a half hours, with the rest of them taking 3 hours. She drives herself back and forth, or at least that's the plan now...we'll see how she responds. She sounded completely drained. I don't know how often the chemo is scheduled for, or how she will hold up--guess that remains to be seen.
Yesterday was such a great day; I love those days when I can check off so many items on my to-do lists. Today will be an AlAnon meeting, and then I'm *planning* a long walk afterwards, to make up for the lack two days in a row...we'll see what the weather does. I got to buy a new paperback also. Not that I need more to read, but I have more choices now! Also I am still working on my cross-stitch kits in the evenings. I find them so peaceful, so calming. There's no rain today, but it's cloudy and cool. Last night however we were able to leave a window open a bit overnight--that breeze felt good.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday afternoon
Well. I received a blistering response from my mom. Sigh. She absolutely bit my head off when I sent her that explanation (for why I wasn't sending the link to the whole thing, and instead only sent a c&p'd bit). Holy cow. I *knew* there was a reason I had been having second thoughts about sharing---and she just proved it, again. When will I ever learn that leopards don't change their spots, even if they are dying? It's "safe to share my feelings with" her? I don't think so.
So, I couldn't resist a mildly tart response: I wrote her this morning after discussing with 3 trusted people in my life. I wrote something like "Ouch. Maybe this is why I'd been having second thoughts...Message received."
Onward!
My GI appt this morning went better than I'd hoped. I like the doc. He reviewed everything, asked questions, examined me, and said he'd rather *not* do a liver biopsy unless he really has to. He's pretty sure it's one of three things: either celiac disease or an ulcer are most likely, or third that I have a higher sensitivity to alcohol than most. (In that last case, the clear solution is to stop all alcohol. Jeez, I hope it's not that...) But I apparently have two issues, the liver being one, the stomach issues the other. For the liver problem I am to cut down or even quit all alcohol for another 4-5 weeks, and then have my labs drawn again. If the abnormal liver things are because of the sensitivity to alcohol, they should be down to normal by then.
For the stomach, he wants to do an endoscopy, and biopsy the stomach lining while inside. Those results along with the bloodwork will determine if it's celiac or an ulcer. Apparently there are blood tests for both. So my endoscopy is scheduled for May 6. I go in fasting, and they put me under to do this, and then J drives me home, and I'm fine by the next day. I feel so much more optimistic now. If it's celiac, I change my diet, and become gluten-free. If it's an ulcer, those are treated with antibiotics. One way or another we should know something by a month or so from now.
My body is demanding changes in the diet...I'm already leaning heavily toward vegetarianism. We have also cut down on fat, carbs, and sugar. We've almost completely eliminated white sugar, white rice, and white bread. We are changing to brown sugar or honey if necessary, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole grain breads. Eliminating gluten will be challenging, but eventually we'll both be healthier. I am mainly eating a lot of fruit and veggies, and supplementing with pork or chicken or tuna or fish. I was thrilled when I was weighed--157!
The other thing was when the doc said, "You know, all these pieces of the puzzle, these symptoms point to, and you're a thin woman besides--" I interrupted him with a huge grin, "Thin?? You think so? I'm thrilled!!" J started laughing, and said, "See?? I keep telling you!" The doc asked if I was on a diet and losing, and I said yes, having lost 7 pounds since one year ago (according to my gyn yesterday, too). I expressed impatience with the extreme slowness and he just said, "It's *far* better to be losing slowly than gaining slowly".
So dinner last night was eggs with mixed veggies, and a piece of toast. Breakfast today was oatmeal with fruit. Lunch was a half a tuna sandwich and a banana. Tonight will be a glass of wine--yay!-- and a thin crust Papa Murphy pizza, and I will keep it at 2 slices.
I arrived at work in chaos, patients everywhere, Bosses dealing with everything, and I jumped right in. All of a sudden it was after 12, and all patients were gone, the labs were packed up, the monitor gone, and we could talk. I got my paycheck, and I'm leaving in 10 minutes. Life is good.
So, I couldn't resist a mildly tart response: I wrote her this morning after discussing with 3 trusted people in my life. I wrote something like "Ouch. Maybe this is why I'd been having second thoughts...Message received."
Onward!
My GI appt this morning went better than I'd hoped. I like the doc. He reviewed everything, asked questions, examined me, and said he'd rather *not* do a liver biopsy unless he really has to. He's pretty sure it's one of three things: either celiac disease or an ulcer are most likely, or third that I have a higher sensitivity to alcohol than most. (In that last case, the clear solution is to stop all alcohol. Jeez, I hope it's not that...) But I apparently have two issues, the liver being one, the stomach issues the other. For the liver problem I am to cut down or even quit all alcohol for another 4-5 weeks, and then have my labs drawn again. If the abnormal liver things are because of the sensitivity to alcohol, they should be down to normal by then.
For the stomach, he wants to do an endoscopy, and biopsy the stomach lining while inside. Those results along with the bloodwork will determine if it's celiac or an ulcer. Apparently there are blood tests for both. So my endoscopy is scheduled for May 6. I go in fasting, and they put me under to do this, and then J drives me home, and I'm fine by the next day. I feel so much more optimistic now. If it's celiac, I change my diet, and become gluten-free. If it's an ulcer, those are treated with antibiotics. One way or another we should know something by a month or so from now.
My body is demanding changes in the diet...I'm already leaning heavily toward vegetarianism. We have also cut down on fat, carbs, and sugar. We've almost completely eliminated white sugar, white rice, and white bread. We are changing to brown sugar or honey if necessary, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole grain breads. Eliminating gluten will be challenging, but eventually we'll both be healthier. I am mainly eating a lot of fruit and veggies, and supplementing with pork or chicken or tuna or fish. I was thrilled when I was weighed--157!
The other thing was when the doc said, "You know, all these pieces of the puzzle, these symptoms point to, and you're a thin woman besides--" I interrupted him with a huge grin, "Thin?? You think so? I'm thrilled!!" J started laughing, and said, "See?? I keep telling you!" The doc asked if I was on a diet and losing, and I said yes, having lost 7 pounds since one year ago (according to my gyn yesterday, too). I expressed impatience with the extreme slowness and he just said, "It's *far* better to be losing slowly than gaining slowly".
So dinner last night was eggs with mixed veggies, and a piece of toast. Breakfast today was oatmeal with fruit. Lunch was a half a tuna sandwich and a banana. Tonight will be a glass of wine--yay!-- and a thin crust Papa Murphy pizza, and I will keep it at 2 slices.
I arrived at work in chaos, patients everywhere, Bosses dealing with everything, and I jumped right in. All of a sudden it was after 12, and all patients were gone, the labs were packed up, the monitor gone, and we could talk. I got my paycheck, and I'm leaving in 10 minutes. Life is good.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday
I have been struggling with whether to allow mom to read this blog. I have no problem with my dad, or daughter, sister and brother reading, or various friends or strangers even! and yet I decided not to allow Mom full access to this, so this is what I wrote this morning to her:
"I have to say I've re-thought this. Part of me thinks, "sure, why not let her see it, all of it". The other part of me thinks, "no, better not". I'm going to err on the side of caution!
So what I *will* do is copy you on each day's entry--I'll send it as an email separately, to you. If there's something I'm not ready to share in particular with *you*, then I will leave that part out. I'm an open book, and have no more secrets-- but knowing how it hurts you to read how I feel about where you are living, why rub that part in? (I only rant occasionally! so you'll be seeing 98% of what I write...)
Oh, and I try to write daily, but sometimes it's every other day...not long, either."
My daughter helped me figure out to this boundary. I was grateful to talk with her last night, and air my concerns, and she reminded me of this option: to copy and paste parts of letters to journals, or journals to letters. In my scattered brain I'd forgotten that choice.
Plus she pointed out that mom might be very hurt at the negative things I've written about the way she lives up there. To spare mom's feelings, I've tried to keep my thoughts about that to myself, and then vented later to J, or my sister, or daughter. Yet mom is extremely sensitive to any *hint* of what she calls disloyalty or betrayal...and I will just bet she would classify my written comments as such. So why go there...nothing is going to change where she lives, and nothing will change my mind about her lifestyle. (It's fine for her--- I just don't see the charm. Plus the smoke really bothers me.) What's that phrase--beating a dead horse? Something like that.
Other topics: I have my annual female exam today-- I hate those, but they are a necessary part of life. I have a lot to update for him from the past year.
Tomorrow I finally see the GI, at 8am. I'm to bring all those forms I filled out, and while I don't know how long this will be, I told my BossJ I would be in as soon as I can afterwards. We did also learn from our lawyer that we probably would lose if we tried any legal action against the surgeon (who didn't obtain that biopsy despite the express instructions from the original GI). I don't know how true that is, but I'm not up for a legal fight over it. If this new GI recommends a biopsy, then we'll figure out how and when to afford it. Til then, I'm happy with taking the carafate three times daily since that is managing 80-90% of the discomfort. My new doc's CMA actually called last night to okay the refill of the carafate and asked me when the GI appt was. Huh. I was happy to tell her it was finally this week. It's hard to get in to see him--he only takes new patients on T and Th mornings...
Can't remember where I left off yesterday, but lunch was a whole tuna sandwich yesterday and some fruit. I've now asked J to only give me half from now on.Tuna seems to be more digestable in smaller doses. Dinner was a crabcake and about a cup and a half of veggies. I had weighed myself Monday and am at the same weight as last time. Sigh. No walk last night: I was exhausted from lack of sleep both Sunday and Monday nights, and just could not dredge up any energy. We both fell into bed around 9. While we were taking both cats outside to the heated Shed where they sleep (yes, we decided that the B&W kitty is aging, and therefore her night-time calling and howling is just. too. much. to. bear. So she sleeps out there too as of 3 nights ago. We sleep much better now...), meanwhile that is Murphy's last chance to potty for the night, so he usually accompanies us out side and makes his rounds.
Last night however, we each picked up a cat and headed for the back door, calling Murphy. The look on his face was priceless. He was curled up in his basket, and lifted his head, looking too sleepy to move. But we insisted, so he dragged himself up and slowly, tail down, head drooping, followed us outside. Where he promptly sat with his back to the Shed, looking at the basket of laundry instead. We tossed the cats cuddled each cat gently before placing them into the Shed. Turned around, and watched Murphy, who was refusing to move. "C'mon, puppy! Let's go potty!" No movement. I finally had to pick him up off the deck floor and place him on the ground. He didn't move. Well, after some point you decide, Fine. That's it. We all trooped back in, and turned out the lights, and I leaned over the edge of the bed to lift him up. He stands there with his front paws on the edge of the bed, speaking softly to me til I do so. I think we were all asleep within 15 minutes.
J has his interview today, and is pretty excited about it. We'll keep our fingers crossed...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday 4/12
Feeling a lot better today, but still burbling a lot. I thought maybe Id just forgotten to take the prilosec yesterday, but even though I'm sure I took it today, I'm still intermittently uncomfortable. Rats.
Breakfast was a scrambled egg with leftover cooked potato, and a half a banana. Lunch: a tuna w/mayo sandwich, cut up fruit, and some wheat thins with an ounce of cheese. We did our walk last night, even though J did so much physical labor, and was walking a bit slower. On the way back, traffic was heavier because of the "rush hour". (That's a laugh: We live at the beginning of a two lane road going maybe 6 miles into the hills. It's technically a dead end. So the only traffic is people who live on the road, except for the ones who are heading to the local park to walk or bike in.) Still, a lot of people work during the day.
So suddenly an SUV passed us and we heard a shrieking "yip" of pain. We turned around just in time to see a Rottweiler land on the pavement (having leaped out the window), roll, and limp off to the side, while his owner screeched to a halt. The car behind him also screeched to a halt. The Rott had a huge black leather color on with spikes sticking out. Not a good sign. The dog was not obviously hurt, but was not running to his owner either--instead, he was edging closer and closer to us, watching his owner, while Murphy was getting antsy at being held on such a tight leash. Meanwhile the owner was calling softly to his dog, and coming closer and closer also, trying to reach him before the Rott reached Murphy, the whole reason he'd jumped out the window. Finally the dog was right by my feet, and while he didn't look vicious, I didn't quite want to put my hand out for him to sniff, or to try to grab his collar for the owner. Then the owner was there, trying to gently and firmly pull him away from us, while the Rott was not cooperating.
The whole thing was maybe 2 minutes, but it seemed to go in very slow motion. All this time there'd be a few cars slowing down, and others speeding up to pass us all. We made sure Murphy was firmly anchored, and asked the guy if he was alright, and verified the animal seemed okay too, before we turned and headed back home. J was shaking his head, mad at owners who leave their windows open so much. "If that Rott had come any closer to you or Murphy..." He didn't finish.
We got home, and settled in, ended up watching the news, and then Dancing with the Stars. I stayed up reading a book I was enjoying, and forced myself to stop reading at 11:40, even though I was not sleepy. Still, I had a good night's rest.
All the immediate family now knows about Mom's diagnosis. A long haul in front of us.
Breakfast was a scrambled egg with leftover cooked potato, and a half a banana. Lunch: a tuna w/mayo sandwich, cut up fruit, and some wheat thins with an ounce of cheese. We did our walk last night, even though J did so much physical labor, and was walking a bit slower. On the way back, traffic was heavier because of the "rush hour". (That's a laugh: We live at the beginning of a two lane road going maybe 6 miles into the hills. It's technically a dead end. So the only traffic is people who live on the road, except for the ones who are heading to the local park to walk or bike in.) Still, a lot of people work during the day.
So suddenly an SUV passed us and we heard a shrieking "yip" of pain. We turned around just in time to see a Rottweiler land on the pavement (having leaped out the window), roll, and limp off to the side, while his owner screeched to a halt. The car behind him also screeched to a halt. The Rott had a huge black leather color on with spikes sticking out. Not a good sign. The dog was not obviously hurt, but was not running to his owner either--instead, he was edging closer and closer to us, watching his owner, while Murphy was getting antsy at being held on such a tight leash. Meanwhile the owner was calling softly to his dog, and coming closer and closer also, trying to reach him before the Rott reached Murphy, the whole reason he'd jumped out the window. Finally the dog was right by my feet, and while he didn't look vicious, I didn't quite want to put my hand out for him to sniff, or to try to grab his collar for the owner. Then the owner was there, trying to gently and firmly pull him away from us, while the Rott was not cooperating.
The whole thing was maybe 2 minutes, but it seemed to go in very slow motion. All this time there'd be a few cars slowing down, and others speeding up to pass us all. We made sure Murphy was firmly anchored, and asked the guy if he was alright, and verified the animal seemed okay too, before we turned and headed back home. J was shaking his head, mad at owners who leave their windows open so much. "If that Rott had come any closer to you or Murphy..." He didn't finish.
We got home, and settled in, ended up watching the news, and then Dancing with the Stars. I stayed up reading a book I was enjoying, and forced myself to stop reading at 11:40, even though I was not sleepy. Still, I had a good night's rest.
All the immediate family now knows about Mom's diagnosis. A long haul in front of us.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday night
Jeez, my stomach is really acting up tonight. I've done nothing different today-- took my meds before meals, did my 2 miles with J and the dog when I got home. Breakfast today was oatmeal with raisins, lunch was a half a tuna sandwich on nut bread, and a container of cut up bananas, pears,grapes and oranges. Excellent lunch. On the way home I had about 10 wheat thins, and an ounce of cheese. Dinner was pork roast, cooked with potatoes and carrots, and the green veggies were our own frozen and cooked in the microwave zucchini. And oh, man, does my stomach hurt. Sorry if this is TMI!
Lots of emails back and forth today; mom notified her cousins Richard and Dorothy, and then cc'd me on that. Earlier she'd said that *after* she told R&D, we could tell Robert (their brother), although she wondered why we wanted to tell him. Sheesh. So as soon as I saw that email, I sent a note to my sister asking her to notify Robert asap. I'm very sure Richard and Dorothy would contact Robert right after hearing this news, and it seems wrong to *not* have him know at the same time.
Then, it turned out I hadn't let my daughter know mom wanted her up there, first, and alone; so I had to find that email and send it on to her. It's going to be so hard for her; and hard for all of us, frankly. The cost of gas alone is going to be staggering: At $4 a gallon, a 500mile trip one way is not something we can just do. We have to plan for this, and then of course it means we can't take the comfy Lincoln, but my little Honda. Ah well. And of course, how is S going to afford this trip??
Another coincidence: a nurse I worked with (at the same time I worked with the one I saw yesterday) called me out of the blue today, after I haven't heard from her in a couple of years. We got caught up, and she will stop by my office sometime soon. She isn't in touch with Barb, but does know Barb's son is a physical therapist here in this little town--- so that's a name to look out for.Maybe that's why Barb was here; training for the same marathons Nancy is doing.
J worked today, too: our neighbors H(&H) were told of a few trees which needed felling and chopping, so J went with him and they worked from 8ish til about 2pm, felling, chopping, loading the trailer and then dividing the load between them. We ended up with about a cord which has to sit for at least a year before it will burn. It was a tree which looks just like oak to me, but is called gum. Very heavy, very dense. He is just worn out; his hands, wrists, thumbs all bothering him. But he's also very proud of himself. Then! then he came home, and had to drive over to Albany to the lawyer's office, then back home and started the pork roast cooking in the castiron... so that when I walked in the door the scent of that pork--yum yum. AND joined me for the walk...
I'm a bit stressed too, but my stress comes from my job; BossJ and I dealt with the second half of the first patient's visit in the new study. It all worked out well, but I also then had multiple data entry deadlines to meet by COB (close of business) today. They're on the East coast, so I hope they are going by *my* COB time!
Okay, done now. It's 8:30...I was up at 5:30. Tomorrow will be easier.
Lots of emails back and forth today; mom notified her cousins Richard and Dorothy, and then cc'd me on that. Earlier she'd said that *after* she told R&D, we could tell Robert (their brother), although she wondered why we wanted to tell him. Sheesh. So as soon as I saw that email, I sent a note to my sister asking her to notify Robert asap. I'm very sure Richard and Dorothy would contact Robert right after hearing this news, and it seems wrong to *not* have him know at the same time.
Then, it turned out I hadn't let my daughter know mom wanted her up there, first, and alone; so I had to find that email and send it on to her. It's going to be so hard for her; and hard for all of us, frankly. The cost of gas alone is going to be staggering: At $4 a gallon, a 500mile trip one way is not something we can just do. We have to plan for this, and then of course it means we can't take the comfy Lincoln, but my little Honda. Ah well. And of course, how is S going to afford this trip??
Another coincidence: a nurse I worked with (at the same time I worked with the one I saw yesterday) called me out of the blue today, after I haven't heard from her in a couple of years. We got caught up, and she will stop by my office sometime soon. She isn't in touch with Barb, but does know Barb's son is a physical therapist here in this little town--- so that's a name to look out for.Maybe that's why Barb was here; training for the same marathons Nancy is doing.
J worked today, too: our neighbors H(&H) were told of a few trees which needed felling and chopping, so J went with him and they worked from 8ish til about 2pm, felling, chopping, loading the trailer and then dividing the load between them. We ended up with about a cord which has to sit for at least a year before it will burn. It was a tree which looks just like oak to me, but is called gum. Very heavy, very dense. He is just worn out; his hands, wrists, thumbs all bothering him. But he's also very proud of himself. Then! then he came home, and had to drive over to Albany to the lawyer's office, then back home and started the pork roast cooking in the castiron... so that when I walked in the door the scent of that pork--yum yum. AND joined me for the walk...
I'm a bit stressed too, but my stress comes from my job; BossJ and I dealt with the second half of the first patient's visit in the new study. It all worked out well, but I also then had multiple data entry deadlines to meet by COB (close of business) today. They're on the East coast, so I hope they are going by *my* COB time!
Okay, done now. It's 8:30...I was up at 5:30. Tomorrow will be easier.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sunday, 1pm
Dinner last night was burgers with a slice of cheese, veggies, and cut -up fruit. I also had my 2 glasses of wine,Thursday, Friday, and last night. Breakfast today was oatmeal with pear slices. Lunch just now was soup, and some more pear slices.
We did our *3* miles this morning, and ended up being in the middle of an iron-man triathlon here; the part we were enveloped in was the 1,800 runners, leaving from the fairgrounds just up the road, and running north along "our" bike path. It's amazing how many people eighteen hundred is. Most people were quite nice, but a few decided we were taking up too much of the bike path, and bumped shoulders with me as they ran by. But one good/odd thing: suddenly a woman I used to work with was running toward me, calling "Hi Eve!" I haven't seen her in several years, and was stunned! I wonder if she lives here now, or what. I'll ask someone on FB who still works at that site if Barb is still there. Maybe I can reconnect.
Then we arrived back home and started to work on the WorkShop/ BackDeck clean out. We have completely filled the Dumpster already, and had set up a big "Free" pile out on our driveway off the road consisting of an old oak chest, a scoop net, some cinderblock pilings of different sizes, and a few other things. That whole pile disappeared by this morning. We continued on that task today for about 3 hours before stopping. Both of us were just worn out, yet it's oddly exhilarating to clean out So Much.
We were sitting at the table inside, enjoying the bird feeder visitors, and a few days ago noticed a particular sparrow or finch type bird, because of a huge growth on the side of her head, covering her eye. She seemed to be able to get around just fine, although the growth clearly disturbed her--we watched her scrape it against a branch, or brush at it with her little foot. Then we didn't see her for a few days. This morning she was back, and amazingly the growth has diminished greatly; instead, the whole left side of her head appears as if the growth was scraped off, including her eye--she has no eye on the left side. But she appeared more vigorous, and landed on the bird tray just fine, keeping her back to us, so she could survey the yard as she fed. She settled in and ate and ate. A dove tried to land, and the finch moved over to the very edge of the feeder to make room for her. The two of them were quite comfy.
Just two feet away from the feeder is the end of a branch which extends from the wide spreading flowering tree (I don't know the name of). All the birds tend to use this tree as a landing spot either before using the feeder or just after they finish. It's pretty cool to see so many different types of birds enjoying the tree: doves, towhees, finches, sparrows, chickadees, nuthatches, jays, and woodpeckers. Even the little fox squirrel uses the tree as a ramp to the feeder, or else he drops down directly onto the feeder from the gutter just above the window.
My sister bcc'd me on the first email she sent our mom, since the Ca dx. I thought she did a great job in the phrasing , and hope my mom takes it in the spirit in which it was meant, with lots of love, concern, hope. I love that she threw in the bit about meeting her husband; mom never has, and I know she will love him. I'm about to try calling mom. J's phone has free time on Sundays-- no minutes are counted. So I'll use his phone, even though I find it more difficult to hear using his. I have about 10 more days before my minutes renew; although I do have about 200 left. How can I possibly have talked that much in one month?? I do not like using any phone...but then again, it's a much quicker way I can keep track of mom: I just have to keep it as short as possible. Who would have thought I'd use this many minutes, ever...but then, I didn't count on my mom dying of lung cancer, either.
We did our *3* miles this morning, and ended up being in the middle of an iron-man triathlon here; the part we were enveloped in was the 1,800 runners, leaving from the fairgrounds just up the road, and running north along "our" bike path. It's amazing how many people eighteen hundred is. Most people were quite nice, but a few decided we were taking up too much of the bike path, and bumped shoulders with me as they ran by. But one good/odd thing: suddenly a woman I used to work with was running toward me, calling "Hi Eve!" I haven't seen her in several years, and was stunned! I wonder if she lives here now, or what. I'll ask someone on FB who still works at that site if Barb is still there. Maybe I can reconnect.
Then we arrived back home and started to work on the WorkShop/ BackDeck clean out. We have completely filled the Dumpster already, and had set up a big "Free" pile out on our driveway off the road consisting of an old oak chest, a scoop net, some cinderblock pilings of different sizes, and a few other things. That whole pile disappeared by this morning. We continued on that task today for about 3 hours before stopping. Both of us were just worn out, yet it's oddly exhilarating to clean out So Much.
We were sitting at the table inside, enjoying the bird feeder visitors, and a few days ago noticed a particular sparrow or finch type bird, because of a huge growth on the side of her head, covering her eye. She seemed to be able to get around just fine, although the growth clearly disturbed her--we watched her scrape it against a branch, or brush at it with her little foot. Then we didn't see her for a few days. This morning she was back, and amazingly the growth has diminished greatly; instead, the whole left side of her head appears as if the growth was scraped off, including her eye--she has no eye on the left side. But she appeared more vigorous, and landed on the bird tray just fine, keeping her back to us, so she could survey the yard as she fed. She settled in and ate and ate. A dove tried to land, and the finch moved over to the very edge of the feeder to make room for her. The two of them were quite comfy.
Just two feet away from the feeder is the end of a branch which extends from the wide spreading flowering tree (I don't know the name of). All the birds tend to use this tree as a landing spot either before using the feeder or just after they finish. It's pretty cool to see so many different types of birds enjoying the tree: doves, towhees, finches, sparrows, chickadees, nuthatches, jays, and woodpeckers. Even the little fox squirrel uses the tree as a ramp to the feeder, or else he drops down directly onto the feeder from the gutter just above the window.
My sister bcc'd me on the first email she sent our mom, since the Ca dx. I thought she did a great job in the phrasing , and hope my mom takes it in the spirit in which it was meant, with lots of love, concern, hope. I love that she threw in the bit about meeting her husband; mom never has, and I know she will love him. I'm about to try calling mom. J's phone has free time on Sundays-- no minutes are counted. So I'll use his phone, even though I find it more difficult to hear using his. I have about 10 more days before my minutes renew; although I do have about 200 left. How can I possibly have talked that much in one month?? I do not like using any phone...but then again, it's a much quicker way I can keep track of mom: I just have to keep it as short as possible. Who would have thought I'd use this many minutes, ever...but then, I didn't count on my mom dying of lung cancer, either.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Saturday
Home from the meeting, which was eye-opening. As usual. My new friend with lung cancer has the same kind as mom does, but hers has metastasized to her brain, and spine. She shared with me a website called Caring Bridge. Kind of like Facebook for CancerPatients. She was happy to give me her last name so I could check out the site, and her page in particular. I have now signed up, and read her whole story, which was diagnosed just 2 weeks before Mom's was. It can be written by the patient, or a partner, and also gives options for other people to comment, or ask questions, etc. What a great idea! Especially if Mom is going to continue with *not* sharing this diagnosis with all her FB people: That's so hard, to respect her boundaries, yet not mention the C word anywhere. So, voila, Caring Bridge, where all who *do* know can offer support etc. I've sent the info to Mom.
Dinner last night was a piece of battered baked fish, and corn, and a small baked potato. breakfast today was a poached egg on one piece of toast. Lunch was saltines with cut up avocado, some cheese, and a banana. Then we took a 3-4 mile walk with Murphy-- I'm not sure of the exact distance but it's somewhere in that range. It's not sunny, but it's not actually raining. Now Z has dropped in for awhile and he and J are playing chess.
We are facing a money challenge: we have only $10 in cash til payday, which is Thursday. Originally our goal was to do without if we don't have the cash. So, that means we don't go to Safeway and charge the groceries we "need": Instead we prioritize, and buy what we must have. We have plenty enough food items and choices for dinners, and breakfasts. Lunches I normally have a green salad and cut up fruit, but with only $10, we will buy mainly fruit, as much as that will buy. And I will eat fruit for lunches this week. We'll be out of milk by tomorrow, but only J drinks that, so he will do without in his coffee. We don't have much bread left, so that means possibly we will bake some tomorrow. Plenty of eggs, and oatmeal. Although I don't like oatmeal without cream...but hey, it's a challenge. For a few days, we can both do without. We have plenty of rice, potatoes, yams, honey, peanut butter, Smart Balance, and plenty of canned and frozen veggies. We also have plenty of tuna, from our bulk purchase last fall. That will all come in handy this week. (And of course if we absolutely *have* to, we can go into savings-- we have an emergency fund for...emergencies.)
J has an interview Wednesday, for a medical supply company. It's part-time, which is just fine. It's for a pain reliever device, similar to a TENS unit (which I loved when I was getting physical therapy). He's pretty excited.
Well, we are tackling the work shop this afternoon. We have a good 3 hours of daylight, before we collapse, so this is totally do-able.
Dinner last night was a piece of battered baked fish, and corn, and a small baked potato. breakfast today was a poached egg on one piece of toast. Lunch was saltines with cut up avocado, some cheese, and a banana. Then we took a 3-4 mile walk with Murphy-- I'm not sure of the exact distance but it's somewhere in that range. It's not sunny, but it's not actually raining. Now Z has dropped in for awhile and he and J are playing chess.
We are facing a money challenge: we have only $10 in cash til payday, which is Thursday. Originally our goal was to do without if we don't have the cash. So, that means we don't go to Safeway and charge the groceries we "need": Instead we prioritize, and buy what we must have. We have plenty enough food items and choices for dinners, and breakfasts. Lunches I normally have a green salad and cut up fruit, but with only $10, we will buy mainly fruit, as much as that will buy. And I will eat fruit for lunches this week. We'll be out of milk by tomorrow, but only J drinks that, so he will do without in his coffee. We don't have much bread left, so that means possibly we will bake some tomorrow. Plenty of eggs, and oatmeal. Although I don't like oatmeal without cream...but hey, it's a challenge. For a few days, we can both do without. We have plenty of rice, potatoes, yams, honey, peanut butter, Smart Balance, and plenty of canned and frozen veggies. We also have plenty of tuna, from our bulk purchase last fall. That will all come in handy this week. (And of course if we absolutely *have* to, we can go into savings-- we have an emergency fund for...emergencies.)
J has an interview Wednesday, for a medical supply company. It's part-time, which is just fine. It's for a pain reliever device, similar to a TENS unit (which I loved when I was getting physical therapy). He's pretty excited.
Well, we are tackling the work shop this afternoon. We have a good 3 hours of daylight, before we collapse, so this is totally do-able.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday morning
Today we are receiving a Dumpster, and clearing out all the stuff that accumulates...I am so excited! We'll be tackling the whole outside area, and then the biggie, the Shed--where J keeps tools, and bits and pieces of everything and every project he's ever worked on around here. Broken phones, gardening supplies, leftover wood, paints of all description, wire things that he's been keeping because "someday" he might need it...all of it is going. That is our biggest goal for the weekend. It's only supposed to be sunny today, and then the rain returns...so we will be going at it today.
That's good because I'm feeling up to it. Wednesday evening I don't know what happened; something hit me-- my head, my body-- and I went down for the count. I'd had a grilled cheese for dinner, and ended up throwing that up entirely. It was like a 24-hour flu-- and it wasn't til bedtime last night that I felt human again. I couldn't go to work, I was so dizzy yesterday morning, still. Fortunately I had prepared the day's patients, and so when I called BossJ to let her know I wasn't coming, she didn't have to do any of that. I felt too awful most of the day-- didn't do anything except stare at the tv, and then took a 2 hour nap. A friend stopped by and brought us some raspberry bushes to plant, and another friend stopped by, and Z was here for awhile, too. But me? lying down, or curled up on the sofa...
I did have some fruit, and had a terrible craving for potato chips (when I have a headache, I tend to want salty things), so J went and bought some. And I also had a piece of raisin toast. Dinner was the last of the leftover pizza, for me. J finished off the ravioli, and some soup, and had saltines also.
Breakfast today was a piece of raisin French toast. It felt like Friday yesterday, because I was home. But actually, today is the real Friday. I feel like I lost an entire 24 hours, so that's a bit unnerving.
Haven't talked with mom since discovering the news about the stage 4. Maybe that didn't help with my physical self. Heard from her though, via email. She sent info on the oncologist, and apparently has decided to stick with him at least for now. Not sure why, except the extreme fatigue she must be dealing with--- doesn't have the energy to confront changing. I can relate. I guess that's one risk of staying up there, that she knows there won't be family around to help. Part of me is battling that internally: a "good" daughter would quit her job (or take a leave) and go right up there to take over and manage this time for her. But....I just can't quit, I need the income, we need the income. Not to mention I hate being up there, at her place. It's depressing, discouraging, the amount of work is horrendous. The living conditions are so different, both labor- and time-intensive. I do not like visiting, or staying, and am dreading the time to go up there. Even if she were completely healthy I wouldn't like being there, and never have.
Well, all of this is changing. Soon I won't have to be doing that, ever again. If soon means, "probably sometime in the next 12 months"...
Off to work. Make haste while the sun shines, is my version of "make hay while the sun shines"...
That's good because I'm feeling up to it. Wednesday evening I don't know what happened; something hit me-- my head, my body-- and I went down for the count. I'd had a grilled cheese for dinner, and ended up throwing that up entirely. It was like a 24-hour flu-- and it wasn't til bedtime last night that I felt human again. I couldn't go to work, I was so dizzy yesterday morning, still. Fortunately I had prepared the day's patients, and so when I called BossJ to let her know I wasn't coming, she didn't have to do any of that. I felt too awful most of the day-- didn't do anything except stare at the tv, and then took a 2 hour nap. A friend stopped by and brought us some raspberry bushes to plant, and another friend stopped by, and Z was here for awhile, too. But me? lying down, or curled up on the sofa...
I did have some fruit, and had a terrible craving for potato chips (when I have a headache, I tend to want salty things), so J went and bought some. And I also had a piece of raisin toast. Dinner was the last of the leftover pizza, for me. J finished off the ravioli, and some soup, and had saltines also.
Breakfast today was a piece of raisin French toast. It felt like Friday yesterday, because I was home. But actually, today is the real Friday. I feel like I lost an entire 24 hours, so that's a bit unnerving.
Haven't talked with mom since discovering the news about the stage 4. Maybe that didn't help with my physical self. Heard from her though, via email. She sent info on the oncologist, and apparently has decided to stick with him at least for now. Not sure why, except the extreme fatigue she must be dealing with--- doesn't have the energy to confront changing. I can relate. I guess that's one risk of staying up there, that she knows there won't be family around to help. Part of me is battling that internally: a "good" daughter would quit her job (or take a leave) and go right up there to take over and manage this time for her. But....I just can't quit, I need the income, we need the income. Not to mention I hate being up there, at her place. It's depressing, discouraging, the amount of work is horrendous. The living conditions are so different, both labor- and time-intensive. I do not like visiting, or staying, and am dreading the time to go up there. Even if she were completely healthy I wouldn't like being there, and never have.
Well, all of this is changing. Soon I won't have to be doing that, ever again. If soon means, "probably sometime in the next 12 months"...
Off to work. Make haste while the sun shines, is my version of "make hay while the sun shines"...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
stage 4
Well, that was a shock.
I had allowed myself to feel the chemo choice was a good thing for her, assuming she must have been at an early stage. But when she corrected me this afternoon and said she was at Stage 4, that changed everything. I think she must be pretty scared, to choose chemo.
There has been so much confusion in my brain as to which cancer she had, the prognosis, any treatment options. Today it turns out to be adenocarcinoma of the lining of the lungs, stage 4. The worst stage there is. Generally it means "no hope".
Guess we'll have to see.
I had allowed myself to feel the chemo choice was a good thing for her, assuming she must have been at an early stage. But when she corrected me this afternoon and said she was at Stage 4, that changed everything. I think she must be pretty scared, to choose chemo.
There has been so much confusion in my brain as to which cancer she had, the prognosis, any treatment options. Today it turns out to be adenocarcinoma of the lining of the lungs, stage 4. The worst stage there is. Generally it means "no hope".
Guess we'll have to see.
Wednesday--already??
When you have a full life (and plenty of what I used to call worries) it's amazing how time just flies. I hate that phrase, but it is so true.
Tuesday was an extremely busy day; I got up before 6, popped all my vitamins and meds, and did all my usual morning stuff except breakfast--no time. J packed me a banana and some cheese cubes and some cut up apples, and I was out the door on the road by 6:30. Arrived at work 7:30, did a quick review of my emails, and was ready when the screening patient arrived promptly at 8. This man --- well let's just say I'm so relieved he flunked one of the "entrance exams". (A mini-mental questionnaire is given to all our prospective patients for the Alz trial. To meet the criteria for being in the study they have to have *below* a certain score, mainly to measure progress or lack of during the roughly 2 years of testing.) This man passed with flying colors, and I'm amazed at his being diagnosed a year ago. Turns out heis was a physicist (sp?). Brilliant. Above genius IQ. And yet--- the odor reeking from him was stifling! A horrid combination of urine, body odor, dirt, sweat, grease. He was dirty, wearing dirty clothes, nails lined with black. He was 75, and spent his days volunteering tutoring services at his local youth center. The wife aka caregiver wasn't much better; clearly a victim of Parkinson's, she had a near-constant humming slash mumble to her as she read, or was filling out the registration forms. Quite a unique couple... So as it was my first try at the screening visit, I was thrilled that they didn't work out. Perfectly nice people to talk to-- just unsuitable for the trial. TYG.
Then we had a 2 hour breather before the next appointment, and we used that time to Febreze the rooms and hallways, and catch up on the required paperwork for those screen fails. Next was someone for their final visit in a different Alz trial, the one that was stopped suddenly last August. Funny, you develop such friendships with these people, and some of them you are sad to see go, so that was emotional. Then again we had a breather, I ate my salad, muffin, and a cut up pear. Then I saw a lady transferring to my site from Portland for a low-sex-desire study, and shortly after that another patient for yet another Alz trial, where they receive infusions of the study med for a half hour, while being monitored.
BossJ left at 1 for her class, and I was wiped out. Coordinating all the labs, dry ice shipments, scheduling people, making sure the doc sees the subjects at the correct time, dealing with phone calls and "urgent" messages from various sponsors interested in our progress--- some days I am drained. Yesterday was one of those days. I left at 3:30, and concentrated on breathing deeply during the drive.
When I got home, turns out J had had another stressful day, too, involving his two youngest kids and their crises. We encouraged each other to do our 2mile walk together, and we managed that with Murphy in the cold and damp wind. Talking about our various challenges really helps us to put things into perspective. At home I readied and swallowed my pre-meal med, and we had a light dinner of scrambled eggs and bacon, while watching the news. When J has a tough day, sometimes that translates to extra amounts of physical pain in his hands and wrists, and last night was one of those, so much so that he asked me to get him a morphine. That almost never happens. But when it kicks in, I can always tell: his mood lightens, and he gets chatty!
S and I played phone tag for awhile, and finally managed to connect after "Dancing With The Stars" started. (I was not in the mood to read anything after Monday night's experience with "Tobacco Road". J couldn't believe I hadn't ever read it, but I never took a class anywhere where I was required to read the classics...so although I'd heard many references to this book over the years, I never had. J went to the library Monday and got that one and "The Color Purple" which I'd been wanting to read for a long time.
After I'd washed the dishes, I picked up that book, and read it start to finish. I was sickened, depressed, and bone-weary while reading it. I feel almost as if I was an empath, absorbing the dreariness and despair of those lives. Good GOD, I do not understand why that was considered a classic. After the first 20 pages or so I said to J, "Is it this depressing all the way through??" And he just said, "Did you get to the part where they buy the new car yet?" So I kept reading, because he said the humor would change my opinion. I read and read, hating it, yet feeling obligated and somehow compelled to finish. J went to bed, and I stayed up to finish. I wish I could explain better how deeply this book bothered me-- I felt suicidal afterwards.
That next morning was when I was in a rush to get on the road, and J was anxious to hear my opinion of the book. I was honest and said I had hated it, and found absolutely no humor in it anywhere, subtle or not. I don't understand!!! He was so apologetic! He felt he had "made" me read it...and was upset that I hadn't enjoyed it. I reassured him he certainly hadn't "made" me do anything; that I was glad to have read it just so I would know what the references mean now when I hear that phrase. But I will never read anything more by that author if they are all like that. No thank you.
Anyway! all that to explain why I was just in a mood to veg out last night.
I think tonight is American Idol. Each season I swear I will never watch these kinds of things again...and each year I get sucked in. Frankly I love that StevenTyler is a judge on it, and I love seeing him in a different setting than on stage. The concerts I've been to (4, I think) of his are so exciting, and the songs are just the music of my life; the emotions expressed really touch something in me. There's nothing like an Aerosmith night!
But if AI isn't on, I will start "The Color Purple".
Tuesday was an extremely busy day; I got up before 6, popped all my vitamins and meds, and did all my usual morning stuff except breakfast--no time. J packed me a banana and some cheese cubes and some cut up apples, and I was out the door on the road by 6:30. Arrived at work 7:30, did a quick review of my emails, and was ready when the screening patient arrived promptly at 8. This man --- well let's just say I'm so relieved he flunked one of the "entrance exams". (A mini-mental questionnaire is given to all our prospective patients for the Alz trial. To meet the criteria for being in the study they have to have *below* a certain score, mainly to measure progress or lack of during the roughly 2 years of testing.) This man passed with flying colors, and I'm amazed at his being diagnosed a year ago. Turns out he
Then we had a 2 hour breather before the next appointment, and we used that time to Febreze the rooms and hallways, and catch up on the required paperwork for those screen fails. Next was someone for their final visit in a different Alz trial, the one that was stopped suddenly last August. Funny, you develop such friendships with these people, and some of them you are sad to see go, so that was emotional. Then again we had a breather, I ate my salad, muffin, and a cut up pear. Then I saw a lady transferring to my site from Portland for a low-sex-desire study, and shortly after that another patient for yet another Alz trial, where they receive infusions of the study med for a half hour, while being monitored.
BossJ left at 1 for her class, and I was wiped out. Coordinating all the labs, dry ice shipments, scheduling people, making sure the doc sees the subjects at the correct time, dealing with phone calls and "urgent" messages from various sponsors interested in our progress--- some days I am drained. Yesterday was one of those days. I left at 3:30, and concentrated on breathing deeply during the drive.
When I got home, turns out J had had another stressful day, too, involving his two youngest kids and their crises. We encouraged each other to do our 2mile walk together, and we managed that with Murphy in the cold and damp wind. Talking about our various challenges really helps us to put things into perspective. At home I readied and swallowed my pre-meal med, and we had a light dinner of scrambled eggs and bacon, while watching the news. When J has a tough day, sometimes that translates to extra amounts of physical pain in his hands and wrists, and last night was one of those, so much so that he asked me to get him a morphine. That almost never happens. But when it kicks in, I can always tell: his mood lightens, and he gets chatty!
S and I played phone tag for awhile, and finally managed to connect after "Dancing With The Stars" started. (I was not in the mood to read anything after Monday night's experience with "Tobacco Road". J couldn't believe I hadn't ever read it, but I never took a class anywhere where I was required to read the classics...so although I'd heard many references to this book over the years, I never had. J went to the library Monday and got that one and "The Color Purple" which I'd been wanting to read for a long time.
After I'd washed the dishes, I picked up that book, and read it start to finish. I was sickened, depressed, and bone-weary while reading it. I feel almost as if I was an empath, absorbing the dreariness and despair of those lives. Good GOD, I do not understand why that was considered a classic. After the first 20 pages or so I said to J, "Is it this depressing all the way through??" And he just said, "Did you get to the part where they buy the new car yet?" So I kept reading, because he said the humor would change my opinion. I read and read, hating it, yet feeling obligated and somehow compelled to finish. J went to bed, and I stayed up to finish. I wish I could explain better how deeply this book bothered me-- I felt suicidal afterwards.
That next morning was when I was in a rush to get on the road, and J was anxious to hear my opinion of the book. I was honest and said I had hated it, and found absolutely no humor in it anywhere, subtle or not. I don't understand!!! He was so apologetic! He felt he had "made" me read it...and was upset that I hadn't enjoyed it. I reassured him he certainly hadn't "made" me do anything; that I was glad to have read it just so I would know what the references mean now when I hear that phrase. But I will never read anything more by that author if they are all like that. No thank you.
Anyway! all that to explain why I was just in a mood to veg out last night.
I think tonight is American Idol. Each season I swear I will never watch these kinds of things again...and each year I get sucked in. Frankly I love that StevenTyler is a judge on it, and I love seeing him in a different setting than on stage. The concerts I've been to (4, I think) of his are so exciting, and the songs are just the music of my life; the emotions expressed really touch something in me. There's nothing like an Aerosmith night!
But if AI isn't on, I will start "The Color Purple".
Monday, April 4, 2011
Monday night
Food last night was crabcakes (just one for me) and veggies. Lunch was two pieces of thin-crust pizza, leftover from Saturday night. In the late afternoon I also had a slice of cheese: I probably have overdone the dairy...this morning for breakfast we had scrambled eggs with a piece of raisin toast. Lunch was a green salad and a container of cut up fruit. On the drive home I had a small banana nut muffin, and 4 crackers. Dinner tonight was veggies and stir-fried chicken with teriyaki sauce. I'm also making snickerdoodles for J, as he is watching the basketball game...so I've been taste-testing the dough. That's my story...And before every meal I'm dissolving my pill in water, and gulping that down 30-60 minutes before eating. It is really helping a lot. I'm so relieved.
Talked with mom about 20 minutes ago. She was very tired sounding, and so it was a fairly short conversation. She has decided to go for the chemo, starting this week. Apparently a NP there at the office had some different and better statistics than the oncologist had, regarding the survival rate, and how much time it would buy. It sounds much more promising. It sounded like she thought this was a huge decision. Maybe that's why she sounded tired. I also "met" Lyn on the phone, and we agreed to converse more via email when she gets home; she is leaving tomorrow afternoon. Sounds very nice, and she actually sounds quite happy to be there; it always surprises me that anyone (besides Mom!) appreciates that location, that site.
I also brought up the idea of visiting in late June, with S...and with J. She was a bit taken aback at the idea of S and me together visiting, then seemed to adjust to that. But when I mentioned that of course J would be coming too, she balked at first. I think she'll come around; it sounds as if she is not thrilled at the idea of *anyone* seeing her during chemo treatments. But I pointed out that he would be happy to be helping with chores outside, of which there are many...and that gave her pause. I knew it would---the idea of his being a hired hand for a week is too good to turn down. I didn't mention that Murphy would be coming too-- all in good time.
Today at work the batteries once again died in my wireless mouse. Normally we have a stash, but when I went to the storage cupboard to get them, there were none left. Argghh! So I texted BossM and asked him to pick some up on the way, before he and BossJ arrived. Apparently they didn't get the message... it wasn't til almost 2pm that they returned from BossJ's class, having detoured to get the batteries... so that was when I could start to do my work. Til then I was just stuck. Fortunately there was plenty to do. A monitor showed up a week early, unexpectedly--that was a shock. And tomorrow will be the same.
I'm worn out. This morning J's daughter stopped by at 5:15, on her way back up to Pullman, WA...so J could fix her breakfast for the trip. She makes it in 7 hours--she must fly. She left at just about 6, and then I got up. J is always so sad when she leaves--the emotion just gets to him, and he is just slumped tonight. But that was after he did a bunch of stuff here, went to the library, worked on the car, brought in wood, straightened the leftover wood piles, prepared the potato bed in the raised beds...you name it. He is a machine! But he collapses fairly early, and then is restored by sleep. Whereas I woke up with such pain in my back--it was with me all day, affecting how I stand, or bend to get blood from my patients, or do EKGs, etc. I did my walking today when I got home, and hoped the stretching would help. It didn't.But I felt better after doing that,anyway.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a bit more energy.
Talked with mom about 20 minutes ago. She was very tired sounding, and so it was a fairly short conversation. She has decided to go for the chemo, starting this week. Apparently a NP there at the office had some different and better statistics than the oncologist had, regarding the survival rate, and how much time it would buy. It sounds much more promising. It sounded like she thought this was a huge decision. Maybe that's why she sounded tired. I also "met" Lyn on the phone, and we agreed to converse more via email when she gets home; she is leaving tomorrow afternoon. Sounds very nice, and she actually sounds quite happy to be there; it always surprises me that anyone (besides Mom!) appreciates that location, that site.
I also brought up the idea of visiting in late June, with S...and with J. She was a bit taken aback at the idea of S and me together visiting, then seemed to adjust to that. But when I mentioned that of course J would be coming too, she balked at first. I think she'll come around; it sounds as if she is not thrilled at the idea of *anyone* seeing her during chemo treatments. But I pointed out that he would be happy to be helping with chores outside, of which there are many...and that gave her pause. I knew it would---the idea of his being a hired hand for a week is too good to turn down. I didn't mention that Murphy would be coming too-- all in good time.
Today at work the batteries once again died in my wireless mouse. Normally we have a stash, but when I went to the storage cupboard to get them, there were none left. Argghh! So I texted BossM and asked him to pick some up on the way, before he and BossJ arrived. Apparently they didn't get the message... it wasn't til almost 2pm that they returned from BossJ's class, having detoured to get the batteries... so that was when I could start to do my work. Til then I was just stuck. Fortunately there was plenty to do. A monitor showed up a week early, unexpectedly--that was a shock. And tomorrow will be the same.
I'm worn out. This morning J's daughter stopped by at 5:15, on her way back up to Pullman, WA...so J could fix her breakfast for the trip. She makes it in 7 hours--she must fly. She left at just about 6, and then I got up. J is always so sad when she leaves--the emotion just gets to him, and he is just slumped tonight. But that was after he did a bunch of stuff here, went to the library, worked on the car, brought in wood, straightened the leftover wood piles, prepared the potato bed in the raised beds...you name it. He is a machine! But he collapses fairly early, and then is restored by sleep. Whereas I woke up with such pain in my back--it was with me all day, affecting how I stand, or bend to get blood from my patients, or do EKGs, etc. I did my walking today when I got home, and hoped the stretching would help. It didn't.But I felt better after doing that,anyway.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a bit more energy.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Saturday night
I talked with Mom this afternoon, and we got into some really deep stuff. I'm much more comfortable now with what's going on.
One, she still doesn't know a stage, but the oncologist told her she has about 6 months, probably, and doing chemo would add maybe 2-3 months, depending on how well her body responds to the chemo.
Two, she's definitely seeking a second opinion; not being entirely comfortable with the doc is a bad thing, and if you are facing a death sentence, you damn well better have faith in the one who is giving you that info. There is a question on whether/why radiation is not being considered, and he was not answering her to her satisfaction. That's inexcusable. Totally not an option. She needs to find someone who will listen and explain every step. There's no excuse for the kind of callousness she was being shown.
Three, she said this whole thing does not seem real, not yet. When the doc told her six months, she mentally jumped ahead to "September?? but does that mean I need to order deer chow? how about the goat food?" As she was re-counting this conversation to me, I said, "Mom. Frankly, if the doc is saying 6 months, I'd be thinking, Okay....I need to be considering dispersing my animals, and making sure they are going to be taken care of." There was a brief silence, and she said, "You're right, I suppose." She then told me the goats would be killed, the dog and one cat would be going to live with Lyn, and the other cat would be put down too, with her. Far be it from me to argue with her. But I did say, "You're putting the goats down? Isn't there anyone else who would want them?" And she said, "No, there's no one else who they'd be happy with. The chickens will go to (someone) who will happily take them on...but the goats--no."
I heard her say that, and I wanted to argue. I *so* wanted to call her on that, and point out how arrogant that line of thinking was. But I know that wouldn't change a thing, and frankly, the goats are not my concern. That whole line of thinking---isn't worth arguing about. It's just sad. And, sadly, I understand that, because not too long ago I thought the same thing about some of my animals (no one will ever love them the way I do!). And maybe not---but does that give you the right to decide to kill them? Yes, that was how she phrased it.
We actually had a good talk, and I was honest, and truthful; I didn't pull punches, and I talked with her as I would a good friend. I think that surprised her. I felt the part of myself speaking up to her as though I wasn't her child, but another adult, talking to her as an advocate, rather than (just) her daughter. I think she appreciated it. I know I felt much more comfortable in that role: once I decided not to speak to her as a daughter, but as a person , talking with another person who has cancer. I didn't even apologize: just said "I hope this doesn't sound cold, but...." and she understood.
At one point near the end of our talk, I did say (it was a 45 minute conversation) that I needed her to think about when I should go up there. She hemmed for a bit and then questioned, "Do you want to see me up and about, upright? Or on my death bed?" I said, "No, I think up and about, but maybe *also* at the end--- and maybe yet again, depending on how this plays out, depending on what happens." She understood. She said she would think about that.
She will be in touch with the Cancer Center Monday, where the oncologist works along with a lot of other cancer specialists; I think she had the idea that a radiologist is the person she needs to speak to (in regards to possible radiation treatment of the various spots on her pleura. The lungs are fine; the cancer is actually in the pleura...six or seven "hot spots" scattered around the lung.) I *think* that the radiologist is the one who reads the xrays/CTs/MRIs etc. But an oncologist is the one in charge of the treatments--options, decisions on strengths, medications, etc. So her oncologist is the one who is a "cold fish" in her words: technically proficient, but no bedside manner at all; treating her like a "case" instead of a patient. What I think she needs is a second opinion, and to be able to question this person on why radiation would or would not work for her. The current oncologist isn't willing to discuss this, just saying surgery is not an option, but chemo is. Between me and Lyn we have convinced her to seek that second opinion at the Cancer Center.
I will call her again Monday night, as Lyn was out today, and so I wasn't able to speak to her. Mom's pain level is much better, and she was able to walk up the hill to the barn for the first time in months, while a friend Alan was working on the electrical connections, so that thedamn goats have lights in the barn and radio, and the heat lamp at night. Apparently it's still cold enough at night there that the chickens need that. Here, our chickens are okay at night without the heat lamp...
In other news: food today was pancakes with nectarines for breakfast; lunch was a total blow-out at DQ --I had a cheeseburger, french fries. and a small hot fudge sundae. Dinner was Papa Murphy's pizza, the thin crust. I limited myself to 2 pieces. Very proud of myself! It was chosen because J's youngest daughter V was here, and neither one of us wanted to cook. She arrived at 4, and stayed til 7:30. The visit went better than I expected...
After the AlAnon meeting today we had gone looking in the 3 craft stores I know of here for cross-stitch kits. None of them had any! Finally the last place suggested a particular shop downtown, which J knew of. We stopped there, and I fell in love---this is what I'd been looking for. Heaven. The owner showed me several options, and I found 2 I could do. I've been thinking the kits I own are for advanced stitchers, and while I'm not a beginner, I'm at the intermediate level, and the kits I have are just too complex for me right now. I needed something a bit more encouraging to work on, not something that discourages me every time I pick it up. I think I found just what I was looking for, and am so relieved!
Suddenly, after leaving that shop, I felt headachey, hungry, in pain, and thirsty. We went into DQ, and I popped a tramadol for the bursitis pain, and an excedrin for my headache, and water! Lots of water... afterwards we hit the feed store for chicken feed, and got some seeds and seed potatoes for the garden. Then home. I walked my two miles with the dog, and when I got home that's when I'd called Mom. V showed up at 4, and we played Tangle, and ate pizza, and watched the news. I took the Lincoln to the store and got wine, and lettuce and tomatoes and avocados for my lunch salads this week. Home again to sit with V and J; V is considering a move to North Carolina with a young man she is serious about, but she is having doubts, or concerns. She could go to grad school there ... but she'd really miss her family, all of whom are here.
More is to be revealed. That is one of my favorite sayings--- today's AlAnon meeting was just so emotional. On top of that was S, and her experiences last night. What a horrible thing...and I'm just too tired to go into it.
I'm worn out...more tomorrow.
One, she still doesn't know a stage, but the oncologist told her she has about 6 months, probably, and doing chemo would add maybe 2-3 months, depending on how well her body responds to the chemo.
Two, she's definitely seeking a second opinion; not being entirely comfortable with the doc is a bad thing, and if you are facing a death sentence, you damn well better have faith in the one who is giving you that info. There is a question on whether/why radiation is not being considered, and he was not answering her to her satisfaction. That's inexcusable. Totally not an option. She needs to find someone who will listen and explain every step. There's no excuse for the kind of callousness she was being shown.
Three, she said this whole thing does not seem real, not yet. When the doc told her six months, she mentally jumped ahead to "September?? but does that mean I need to order deer chow? how about the goat food?" As she was re-counting this conversation to me, I said, "Mom. Frankly, if the doc is saying 6 months, I'd be thinking, Okay....I need to be considering dispersing my animals, and making sure they are going to be taken care of." There was a brief silence, and she said, "You're right, I suppose." She then told me the goats would be killed, the dog and one cat would be going to live with Lyn, and the other cat would be put down too, with her. Far be it from me to argue with her. But I did say, "You're putting the goats down? Isn't there anyone else who would want them?" And she said, "No, there's no one else who they'd be happy with. The chickens will go to (someone) who will happily take them on...but the goats--no."
I heard her say that, and I wanted to argue. I *so* wanted to call her on that, and point out how arrogant that line of thinking was. But I know that wouldn't change a thing, and frankly, the goats are not my concern. That whole line of thinking---isn't worth arguing about. It's just sad. And, sadly, I understand that, because not too long ago I thought the same thing about some of my animals (no one will ever love them the way I do!). And maybe not---but does that give you the right to decide to kill them? Yes, that was how she phrased it.
We actually had a good talk, and I was honest, and truthful; I didn't pull punches, and I talked with her as I would a good friend. I think that surprised her. I felt the part of myself speaking up to her as though I wasn't her child, but another adult, talking to her as an advocate, rather than (just) her daughter. I think she appreciated it. I know I felt much more comfortable in that role: once I decided not to speak to her as a daughter, but as a person , talking with another person who has cancer. I didn't even apologize: just said "I hope this doesn't sound cold, but...." and she understood.
At one point near the end of our talk, I did say (it was a 45 minute conversation) that I needed her to think about when I should go up there. She hemmed for a bit and then questioned, "Do you want to see me up and about, upright? Or on my death bed?" I said, "No, I think up and about, but maybe *also* at the end--- and maybe yet again, depending on how this plays out, depending on what happens." She understood. She said she would think about that.
She will be in touch with the Cancer Center Monday, where the oncologist works along with a lot of other cancer specialists; I think she had the idea that a radiologist is the person she needs to speak to (in regards to possible radiation treatment of the various spots on her pleura. The lungs are fine; the cancer is actually in the pleura...six or seven "hot spots" scattered around the lung.) I *think* that the radiologist is the one who reads the xrays/CTs/MRIs etc. But an oncologist is the one in charge of the treatments--options, decisions on strengths, medications, etc. So her oncologist is the one who is a "cold fish" in her words: technically proficient, but no bedside manner at all; treating her like a "case" instead of a patient. What I think she needs is a second opinion, and to be able to question this person on why radiation would or would not work for her. The current oncologist isn't willing to discuss this, just saying surgery is not an option, but chemo is. Between me and Lyn we have convinced her to seek that second opinion at the Cancer Center.
I will call her again Monday night, as Lyn was out today, and so I wasn't able to speak to her. Mom's pain level is much better, and she was able to walk up the hill to the barn for the first time in months, while a friend Alan was working on the electrical connections, so that the
In other news: food today was pancakes with nectarines for breakfast; lunch was a total blow-out at DQ --I had a cheeseburger, french fries. and a small hot fudge sundae. Dinner was Papa Murphy's pizza, the thin crust. I limited myself to 2 pieces. Very proud of myself! It was chosen because J's youngest daughter V was here, and neither one of us wanted to cook. She arrived at 4, and stayed til 7:30. The visit went better than I expected...
After the AlAnon meeting today we had gone looking in the 3 craft stores I know of here for cross-stitch kits. None of them had any! Finally the last place suggested a particular shop downtown, which J knew of. We stopped there, and I fell in love---this is what I'd been looking for. Heaven. The owner showed me several options, and I found 2 I could do. I've been thinking the kits I own are for advanced stitchers, and while I'm not a beginner, I'm at the intermediate level, and the kits I have are just too complex for me right now. I needed something a bit more encouraging to work on, not something that discourages me every time I pick it up. I think I found just what I was looking for, and am so relieved!
Suddenly, after leaving that shop, I felt headachey, hungry, in pain, and thirsty. We went into DQ, and I popped a tramadol for the bursitis pain, and an excedrin for my headache, and water! Lots of water... afterwards we hit the feed store for chicken feed, and got some seeds and seed potatoes for the garden. Then home. I walked my two miles with the dog, and when I got home that's when I'd called Mom. V showed up at 4, and we played Tangle, and ate pizza, and watched the news. I took the Lincoln to the store and got wine, and lettuce and tomatoes and avocados for my lunch salads this week. Home again to sit with V and J; V is considering a move to North Carolina with a young man she is serious about, but she is having doubts, or concerns. She could go to grad school there ... but she'd really miss her family, all of whom are here.
More is to be revealed. That is one of my favorite sayings--- today's AlAnon meeting was just so emotional. On top of that was S, and her experiences last night. What a horrible thing...and I'm just too tired to go into it.
I'm worn out...more tomorrow.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday evening
Dinner last night: crab cakes and veggies. Then I had 2 chocolate chip cookies. And wine... Breakfast this morning: scrambled eggs with a piece of toast; lunch was on the road: a piece of grilled chicken and 2 jojo potatoes.
We drove down to Eugene and back to test the Lincoln, and it did just fine; better yet we are averaging about 20 mpg which is reassuring. It cost $60 to fill it up--ugh. I was supposed to stop at a bookstore in Eugene and pick up an order for my AlAnon group, but unfortunately the shop was closed. It's run by volunteers, so if they don't show up, the store isn't open. I didn't think to call ahead of time, either. Sigh. So, back to Hometown, and dropped off the dog, and headed to Winco for groceries.
Oh! And we did stop in the WalMart in Eugene, and found a brand new Bissell vacuum cleaner to replace ours which is broken. The cost was $47. I'm thrilled. Even on craigslist I haven't found one for a better price, and I've been looking for 3 months. J has managed to use our current one for that long, but it takes a lot of finagling with the rollers, and it's been very awkward. You would have thought I'd handed him a check for a million dollars when I said, "Hey, let's get it!" (My paycheck was a whopper this time, due to the paid travel days...so yeah, we had the extra to manage the new vacuum.) Don't we have an exciting life-- when a new vacuum cleaner can really make a huge difference!
A friend came over this afternoon too, and we played our stick game, Tangle, as we caught up. She hasn't been here for almost a year, so it was nice to exchange news. Sunny here for a part of the day, and in the mid60s. Warmest day this year so far...
We drove down to Eugene and back to test the Lincoln, and it did just fine; better yet we are averaging about 20 mpg which is reassuring. It cost $60 to fill it up--ugh. I was supposed to stop at a bookstore in Eugene and pick up an order for my AlAnon group, but unfortunately the shop was closed. It's run by volunteers, so if they don't show up, the store isn't open. I didn't think to call ahead of time, either. Sigh. So, back to Hometown, and dropped off the dog, and headed to Winco for groceries.
Oh! And we did stop in the WalMart in Eugene, and found a brand new Bissell vacuum cleaner to replace ours which is broken. The cost was $47. I'm thrilled. Even on craigslist I haven't found one for a better price, and I've been looking for 3 months. J has managed to use our current one for that long, but it takes a lot of finagling with the rollers, and it's been very awkward. You would have thought I'd handed him a check for a million dollars when I said, "Hey, let's get it!" (My paycheck was a whopper this time, due to the paid travel days...so yeah, we had the extra to manage the new vacuum.) Don't we have an exciting life-- when a new vacuum cleaner can really make a huge difference!
A friend came over this afternoon too, and we played our stick game, Tangle, as we caught up. She hasn't been here for almost a year, so it was nice to exchange news. Sunny here for a part of the day, and in the mid60s. Warmest day this year so far...
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