Sunday

Sunday morning, barely 30 degrees. Cloudy. Warm inside, though.

Pretty intense week!  Monday's vision exam was fine: my eyes have changed slightly so I have a new rx for both lenses and glasses.

Monday also we did our Christmas cookie exchange. I'd never been in one before, but it was fairly simple. We each made 2 dozen of one kind of cookie, then laid out all the trays on a long table. Then each person got to collect 24 cookies, mix and match as we please.  So we went home with the same amount but different varieties. I didn't bring home 24, but only about 12, mostly ginger, molasses, or spice cookies, a couple of chocolate ones, and that was all. That was plenty! MissS and J loved them.

Monday also my provider brought me a bottle of zinfandel, some home-made fudge, and two beautiful wooden ornaments her husband makes.  During the week patients brought in mandarin oranges, chocolates, homemade breads; fortunately this was all set out in the area by the RNs, and nowhere near me where I'd be tempted! 

Because I had weighed myself Monday morning,  and discovered I did not lose any weight that past week; on the other hand I did not gain. This was the first week of transitioning  to "normal food". Granted, it was a holiday week and therefore full of temptations, so I feel pretty good about not having gained.

This most recent week was also a tempting week. We'll see what happened tomorrow morning when I weigh in. I know J has gained back 5 lbs, and I don't know about MissS.  I've tried to limit my portions, allowing myself seasonal treats but not overdoing it. Mindful eating, it's called.

Tuesday and Wednesday my provider and I were busy in the mornings but slow in the afternoons, so she left earlier than usual to get her Christmas prep done. Tuesday night I went and had a  haircut after work, doing the gym on Wednesday instead. Next week is my last week at the gym before my membership lapses.  I think it really has helped my hip so I will miss it. But!  in late February I can begin water therapy in my very own pool...:) 

Thursday there were no docs in the office, just the one RN and me and my NP, and two front office people. We had two fairly complicated patients but I had RN help me with the catheterizing on the one patient, and it went well. That morning we also brought finger foods to snack on, and I was asked to bring donuts (which I abstained from eating!). Someone else brought us each special coffees from Starbucks. It was a good morning.We were all out of there by noon.

Afterwards I met MissS at the store and we got last minute things. I had arranged to drive down to visit my sons, so I bought them good gloves. (I learned from MissS that their dad had bought them boots, so that helped me with my decision on what to get; we didn't get them a gift card after all.) J and I have pretty much everything we need, so I just picked up some dark beer for him--he adores that stuff.

Then J and I drove down. I'd taken an anti-anxiety med which did help calm me down. It was a short visit, but we did meet Amber. (Who had recently dyed her hair a bright green. Okay, she is clearly in a non-traditional job, and a free-spirit.) I am trying to withhold judgement: maybe she was nervous, but she talked almost non-stop. It was difficult as usual to talk with the  boys  my sons, but both were clearly glad to see us, and there was lots of hugging and smiles. I'm always glad when these visits are over, isn't that sad? Sigh. It's just that these are so damn difficult to get through!

After an hour or so, one of the guys got a text that their dad was on his way over to pick them up for their Christmas Eve at their grandmother's --which this year was spent at her other son's house instead. So J and I got photos, and then left to get home before dark.

< Me, Jason, Nick, Amber

J, Jason, me, Nicholas

Christmas Eve night we spent quietly; I had actually woken with a not-migraine, but a bad headache at 3:45 in the morning and despite several doses of my meds, had dealt with it the entire day, after not being able to fall back asleep again. I was exhausted, and was in bed by 9. Slept like a log.

Christmas Day also was quiet and very peaceful. It was also very cold, but no rain or snow. We had eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast, and then we opened presents.  J and I gave each other a BluRay player---because he and MissS had collaborated to buy me the new Springsteen release! It's a collection of some previously released music, but the bonus was a DVD/BluRay of a particular concert I'd never seen. There were other things in this collection too, and altogether it was pretty much all I wanted. I surprised everyone, myself included, by bursting into tears when I opened this. Anyway it was a very happy time: MissS and I also gave each other a pair of earrings and a necklace, and a couple of other items. The dogs got new squeaky toys.

MissS and I took the dogs for a long walk, running into two of my dear friends on the same walk. Wonderful to see them so unexpectedly. At home again we made cinnamon rolls. I don't even remember what we did for the rest of the day, but we enjoyed it. It was pretty low-key. Some might call it boring, but it was just what we wanted.

J meanwhile had some ribs simmering, and so for an early dinner we had barbecued ribs, cous-cous--my version with raisins and apricot jam, and MissS's contribution was a wonderful salad of greens, cut-up apples and walnuts and tomatoes and avocados. J has such a hard time with the meatless thing I'm heading toward that he didn't even notice I didn't have any of the ribs.  Well, I had literally a couple of bites, but that was all. He loves them and so does MissS.

Dessert was another concoction MissS made up: Oreo cookies, crushed up and mixed with cream cheese, and then dipped in melted chocolate. Heavenly. Very rich.

We had originally planned to have J's son Z and his gf for a late lunch the next day, Saturday.   But that morning we'd both woken up feeling not quite right. He almost never is actually ill, but Christmas, every Christmas, is a sad time for him because of losing his mom around that time. Even though it's been more than 50 years he grieves deeply. So we agreed to just cancel the planned get-together, and do this next weekend instead. New Year's Day is a lot less emotional.

Instead, J and I took the dogs for a walk, and then since it was so damn cold we stayed inside mostly. We watched movies, and I watched my concert, and I colored, and we packed 7 more boxes of books. We went out briefly to apply some insulation to the cab of the truck before he puts it back on the bed.  MissS went down to visit her dad and spent the day there. 

For dinner we just had a selection of left-overs, and each person put together what they wanted. MissS and I had been dealing with major headaches again most of the day, so again it was a fairly early evening. 

This morning she is at work, and J and I are warm inside, working on computer work. I'm so enjoying my time at home. It's not that I don't like my job, but I just like puttering at home so much more.

Today I get to figure out how to sign up (online) for the new insurance at work; and we need to review the proposed bids from the two mortgage issuers. We finally received the actual approval paperwork from the seller's bank. Sheesh. Now my sister gets to arrange for the home inspection to be done, and choose a day when both she and her husband can be there. Then we fork over the cash for that and for closing, and that will take my whole advance from the IRA account. 

Then we work on selling the Honda, and I will put in my notice at the beginning of February. Sounds more and more real.  J has moments of panic, as do I; his worries involve whether the truck will make the trip. He has done so much in preparation, but despite the fixes and upgrades  he worries. I've reminded him we can always sell the truck and just rent a moving van if he is that worried. He is considering that, but really I think it's just generalized anxiety over A Move--across the entire country, pulling a trailer, with two dogs and two cats. Oh, and in February--which might mean challenging weather in Oregon and California. 

He is a planner, and very methodical. I think he has anticipated every possible outcome, barring a catastrophic failure of some kind. And in that case, we pull out the old credit card. We have paid off all except one, so we have lots of room there in case something disastrous does happen. 

Well. It has warmed up about 7 degrees; and the skies have opened up. It is absolutely pouring rain. Ugh. Maybe not doing a walk today after all. Maybe it's a low-key day to stay warm and dry inside.

Four more days til 2016. A big year ahead: a big milestone birthday, big move, new job and house and lifestyle and climate. Almost everything that could change, will change. Scary, and exciting.

Sunday

Right at this moment there is a bright clear blue sky, with blinding sunshine. Not 20 minutes ago it was raining, and cloudy. It's cold, but warming up to about 55, theoretically. Oregon in December.

This past week we had my friend Jennie here; she arrived late Saturday night, and we stayed up til about 11:30 despite her extreme fatigue. She ended up driving an hour down to Sally's on  Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, coming back here each night. Wednesday and Thursday she was asked to provide extra help and support, and to stay overnight. Sally died early Friday morning. Friday night Jennie was again back with us very late, utterly exhausted, but at peace with the way it had all played out.  And then she was out the door at 8 yesterday morning to catch her flight back to NJ from Portland.

The blessing for me was that at each step of the way, my friend was explaining both  the physical process of dying, and that family's complicated reactions and layers of dysfunction as this was happening. And my daughter was listening intently. I can't help but think she was learning a lot about how and why my own mother's dying process was so complicated also.  It was a very difficult process, and I'm not sure how much of that MissS understood, being so close to her grandmother.  Anyway, I felt it was a blessing, a reminder to me that my daughter will learn some of life's lessons from others, and not always from her own mother.  I can relax a bit knowing that it's not all up to me to teach her.

Jennie was working through her own issues around Sally's passing, and her own difficult relationship with her ex and with her son. It was a pretty intense week. Still it was wonderful to see her again, and to be a supportive presence at a sorrowful time.

We figured out we've been friends for 36 years, since we met when she was 20 and I was 24. Pretty amazing.

The rest of the week was fairly quiet.  My two coworkers seem to be truly okay with my extreme discomfort over certain procedures they do that I am also expected to do. I've written about this before: they are RNs, and I am not. Yet I was feeling pressured to learn some invasive procedures that I did not want to do. Oddly it came up with each of the RNs this week in completely separate conversations. Both are  very okay with my out-and-out saying how uncomfortable I was doing these. Both repeated they did not want me doing anything I felt conflicted about. Phew. They respected my opinion.

We had two required staff meetings this week; at one of them we were informed we had to discontinue using our wrist cuffs for BP and pulse. We were livid upset at this. At the second meeting, we in Uro were given the okay to continue to use wrist cuffs; the rest of the whole clinic was told to turn them in and to use good old-fashioned arm cuffs and stethoscopes instead. Hmm. I'm grateful that one of our own Uro docs is on the Board, and fought for the right for us to use them...

We also came to an agreement to do a Christmas cookie exchange. I've never done this, so yesterday I was a baking fool. One of the recipes was such a success that it was a little too popular with the three of us, and now I have to make more to take with me tomorrow. First-world problems, yes?

It is pouring rain again, and dark and cloudy, and windy. J is at the store, buying me more of one of the special ingredients I need, and then he will also bring us back some sub sandwiches. A real splurge.

My daughter is driving down to her grandmother's right now, where she will be taken out to lunch and to see the Nutcracker ballet. It does seem like a very nice Christmas present.

Christmas is Friday, and I work just til noon on the day before. So far we have no patients scheduled. We are pretty much done with shopping, and I will be working on Christmas cards today. I mailed cards with some cash to each of the three granddaughters, and that will be it. Oh, we do have a few little goodies for my daughter, and will give J's son Z something small, too. I'll be giving my sons two of our older computers, and a gift card for a restaurant meal; I don't want to give them money.  J and MissS and I will have a quiet day here, and maybe go see a movie. Not sure yet, but it will be nice to have this weekend and next be three-days-long.

In Florida house news, our Realtor says we definitely have the house, but we are dealing with a short sale, which means it is a looonger process. No kidding!  Very frustrating. We have one bid from a mortgage company in Florida, and the other from Chase. We are still waiting to hear whether Chase can match the bid. I think we would both prefer to use Chase.

J had the brilliant idea to ship our boxes to Fl, instead of renting a trailer and driving it all the way. He looked into the cost of shipping, and unfortunately it was 3 times the cost of renting the trailer. Oh well. Moving in the truck alone would have been a lot easier without that trailer, but I we just have too much stuff--mainly books and DVDs. Our furniture will fit in the truck, but the other stuff won't.  However he did  find a brand new set of chains to bring along just in case, for only $40. Normally they are about $100, but he got these from a guy on craigslist...

Gotta go stoke the fire. It's cold.

Saturday night

I'm writing tonight, because I have a dear friend arriving later tonight to stay with us a few days. Her (former) mother-in-law Sally is dying, in Hospice. She lives here in OR, about an hour south, and while my friend lives in NJ and is no longer married to Sally's son, they are very close. My friend flew out here today, and is expected here any moment. It's pretty late, and I'm guessing she will be utterly exhausted. I don't know how long she will stay, but she is welcome here as long as she needs to.

My other news involves my one son N. We had plans for him to drive up today; he was bringing his gf and her two little girls to have lunch with us. Yesterday he texted me at work asking me to call him when I could, as he had some "exciting news to share!".  My heart immediately sunk. Historically this has always been bad news.

This turned out to be the case again. He announced he and Amber were going to have a baby.

I don't even know how to process all the emotions. I'm struggling big-time with this. Extreme anger, extreme frustration, shock, despair. I was struck dumb, and probably did not say things very nicely. My mind was racing: what!! I thought you were going to have a vasectomy! Do you even have a job? How is that going to work with your current child support payments, how will you support this one? What the hell are you thinking? Does Amber know you have two other little girls? And on and on.  Did I say any of this? I did not. I kept my mouth shut.

But I think my shock and dismay were evident. What surprised me most was his confusion over why I wasn't over-the-moon about this! Apparently these days it's perfectly acceptable to have a child, and then get married, maybe.  I asked him if they were getting married, and he stumbled over that, saying, well, I'd like to but I haven't asked her yet. Umm, okayyyy. So, maybe this would be a good time??? (Although, maybe not. )

He does have a brand new job, at yet another fast food restaurant; in fact he started today, which meant he had to cancel the planned lunch. Thank you, God. I needed some time to get ready, and prepare myself.

I went home after work, after thinking on this all day, and talked/vented/raged with J and with MissS. We all discussed this a lot. We are in shock, and not quite sure how to react, act, respond. MissS texted her dad to prepare him, and we are all on the same page: of disbelief, and shaking our heads, and feeling utterly frustrated, utterly helpless.

I went to my AlAnon meeting today, and poured my heart out. Several people came up to me afterwards to share their sympathy and hugs and shock, and to reassure me it will all work out, somehow.

In the end, this is all out of my hands. I have nothing to say about it, and I have no control, ever. I never did. This is all his problem, his mess to figure out. I have to trust in my higher power to help me get through it all. I'm partly relieved I am leaving the state, and therefore won't be able to be involved. But another part of me is once again regretting that I won't get to be involved. Sigh. 

Four grandchildren. Not at all the way I imagined it would be.

In other news: I had my semi-annual teeth cleaning last Monday, and that went well. Then I had an appointment with my PCP on Thursday, and was reassured that she will prescribe me my meds for a few months after we leave, until I get settled in another job and PCP. 

I have lost 11 pounds so far on this eating plan;  yesterday was our last official day. We will now begin the transition to incorporating "regular" food back into the mix.

The other reason I saw my PCP was because of the stomach issues I have been dealing with, which started after the food change. I had my labs drawn prior to this appt, and not really to my surprise, all my labs are totally excellent. No more high cholesterol: the good cholesterol got better, and my triglycerides are a little bit improved, and no longer something to worry about. She was very pleased with all this, and also just as puzzled as I was as to why the stomach pain has returned. 

 So I am to switch to zantac for two weeks, and definitely not take prilosec. If that doesn't help then she will refer me to a GI doc again. I'm praying the zantac helps, because my company's insurance changes in January, and I will have an extremely high deductible. I have no intention of seeing the GI, at least not before I have a new job in Fl.

I'm really thinking and hoping that whatever is going on with my stomach, it will improve as we transition back to "normal" food. I've learned portion control, and to focus on healthy snacks, and no processed foods. I definitely do not want to go back to how we were eating, but I don't see a problem with adding back some dairy--yogurt only, or some wine. I'm worried about J's tendency to gain back the weight when he snacks in the evening. He lost so much weight and looks so much healthier that I hate to see him put it back on again. But again, I have no control over this, no control over someone else's eating habits. All I can do is concentrate on my own.

This past week we were working on obtaining mortgage quotes; Chase is competing pushing strongly for our business, and we are hoping this other place's quote will be better so we can take it to Chase and ask them to match it. Closing has been put out til January 30 instead of the 15th, due to some new regulations around loans and terminology. Fine with me.

I am tired out. Monday I have my dilated vision exam, and then I will be caught up for all health issues. Should be covered until I have a new job.

The rain has been just severe, and cold, this whole week. Wednesday our neighbor Harry slipped and fell halfway into the creek which has been raging and swollen. Due to some surgery on his wrists two weeks before, he wasn't able to pull himself out, and so what did he do? He pulled his cell phone out and calmly called J, saying "Hey, buddy, can you come and help me?" J said "Sure, what's up?" Harry said, "Well, I'm in the creek and I can't get out".

The words were barely out of his mouth before J and our friend Mal (who happened to be visiting J) were racing out the door to his house, just beyond the neighbor in the middle of us. We are all on the creek, very close to the banks.  J and Mal managed to get a hold of Harry, and between the two, and amidst much slipping and sliding on the mud, they pulled him out. The three of them just sat and caught their breath for quite a while, thinking how close that was. The creek is about 10 feet deep now, during these raging rains, and it has swept away all the giant logs that were blocking the flow just 2 weeks ago.

Thank God J and Mal were both there; thank God Harry had his cell phone within reach. Both have now agreed not to work near the creek in the future without making sure they are both at home and available to help...

Okay, it's 9:30. My friend should be here shortly, and I'm hoping she will not want to stay up and talk, because I am bushed. Yup, I'm old, for sure.

Sunday

 Above is my beautiful little granddaughter, Layla. She is two years old. She decided to feed me a grape. 


To the right is  a sweet little face (and me, caught mid-chew. Sigh).

And the other cute moment this week, a pile of fur babies: Sheba the cat, and Missy, looking up from the lower right, and Murphy, resting his head on the sofa arm. Believe me,this tender scene didn't last long.




In other news, I'm typing on my new (refurbished) HP Stream; it has a lovely blue-ish/periwinkle exterior, and its screen is a whole 2 inches larger than my previous little netbook.  It arrived Tuesday afternoon, and I about fell over when I opened the box. It's compact, lightweight, and has a white keyboard. I adore this already; very aesthetically pleasing to work on. I'm learning to use Windows 8.1. Everything else I use is WindowsXP, so this is a major change.  I don't quite understand the "Cloud", but I'll learn.

And the main reason I wanted, needed this was the desperate wish for more speed. And that wish was granted!  This cleared up the question of what the problem was: apparently my netbook was just aging. Because this thing is incredibly fast. MissS helped with managed the process of transferring the necessary stuff from the old to the new, and while I don't think I have a whole lot that needed to move over, all windows now open instantly. I'm very impressed, and very relieved.

Meanwhile, the whole house thing has stopped. We emailed the acceptance of the "counter-offer"   to the bank the same day---and heard nothing since. We are so anxious to move on obtaining financing, but we can't do anything until we have the official word from the bank. Good GOD, this is a process!  You would think they would want our money ASAP.    

Meanwhile again, MissS dealt with pinkeye which she got from her preschool. Apparently she brought it home to share, because my eyes and vision were very difficult to work with this past week. I changed my lenses and the case and noticed nothing improved. So I got in with our clinic's eye doc late Thursday. 

DrH said that he couldn't say for sure if it was viral or bacterial conjunctivitis, but that I should remove my lenses immediately. If that didn't help by the next morning I could assume it was, and he also said, don't go to work! your co-workers will kill you!  I laughed, but he was serious.

So the next morning I actually was worse-- crusty and swollen and irritated. I called in. I have not worn my contacts since Thursday when I got home. I hate not wearing them! I don't have great back up glasses, for sure: I have a pair which acts like contacts, making me see normally. Which is fine, but then I can't do close-up work. That's why I wear reading glasses. 

I have a pair of old wire-rimmed glasses with bifocals in, but I hate them! They are good enough of course, and they are what I will wear back to work tomorrow. But they are just...not flattering, I think. J thinks they are wonderful, but he's a bit biased...

I have not gone anywhere since, partly because I don't like being in public being contagious, but also because I don't have prescription sunglasses, and the brightness is occasionally blinding. Sigh. It's actually nice to be home, though. Very relaxing.

I did get to see a bald eagle though. I was standing on our back deck, watching the full creek rushing by, when I caught some movement in the sky. It was a bald eagle, full-grown, and he flew right up to the tree across the creek where the other raptors around here frequently hang out. I could barely move, and just watched him for about 2 minutes. Then he leapt off and soared away over the field.  Pretty amazing. I've seen them occasionally in the park nearby, but never in my own back yard.


J is being very supportive of the eating plan changes we've made, but he is pretty much done with weight loss as such. He is transitioning to  gradually adding back "normal" food, but with the new awareness of healthy amounts and healthier selections. He has lost over 25 pounds since starting this. He is in a size 34 pants now.

Meanwhile MissS and I are struggling; I have lost 10 pounds in the past 5 weeks and will weigh again tomorrow. I'm happy with this, of course, but it is restrictive and I'm ready to loosen it up a bit. We do have two more weeks to go in this second 28-day cycle.

I'm pretty much done too with alcohol, and sugar, and processed stuff. I can't believe it has taken me my whole life to learn this way of eating. I think I will be a lot healthier from now on, and while I will allow myself small "lapses", I'm not going back to the way it was. I like the downward trend!   I have my doctor's appt on Friday, and will be glad to see the labs.

Unfortunately I really do miss my wine. I've been experimenting with trying different white wines in an effort to stop the headaches. There's no doubt that alcohol also affects my ability to sleep soundly, and it definitely has an effect on the headaches. Damn it. I haven't found anything else that I like as well as the zinfandel. Last night I did have two glasses of different wines (one was actually champagne), and I woke at 12:30. I was awake until a bit after 5. Finally got up at 6:30.  Just could not fall asleep.

I hope I can get a nap later today. MissS and I will go pick out some of her Christmas decorations, and I need to pick out a gift for our company's charity tree.We'll get a few groceries also, then I plan on coming home and being a sloth.