Sunday

 Well, it's noon. I'm getting started much later in the day than usual for me. Mornings are rough. I slept until 9, which is pretty unheard of... for me. MissS reassured me it was fine to take care of myself that way, and of course there's no particular reason to get up: I'm not going anywhere today, and no one is coming here. I can sleep as late as I want.  It just feels strange.

Last Sunday MissS came over and we couldn't get into the pool due to the pouring rain, but we talked and made turkey burgers for  dinner.

Monday she came back in the early afternoon, and she mowed the lawns, both front and back. It was so hot, and humid. I was so grateful. Some of those damn grasses were almost 2 feet tall. Then we both got in the pool-- it's been in the upper 80s in the water all week. 

I also called the vet that day to make an annual appt for Missy, so she can continue her anti-itch meds.

Tuesday I was scheduled for the ultrasound, and got a text reminding me. Shortly after that I got another text reminding me of a mammogram scheduled for the next day-- Wednesday?? What the hell.

I showed up there at the appointed time, and after explaining/reporting the confusion over what was happening, after a looong back and forth, it turned out that the radiologist at last December's mammogram mis-spoke-- he recommended an ultrasound in June; he actually meant to say a mammogram.  

So all this confusion was finally clarified, and they were able to do the mammogram that day. The US is only done "if warranted" (if something looks suspicious), so while I had to wait there afterwards for someone to read the mammogram, it all worked out; I am fine. Nothing suspicious. Repeat in December. 

It was DrI's birthday, so I sent a text wishing him HB, and asked about his health. This time he responded with "episodes of arrhythmia", and since there was no cardiology dept anymore, he was waiting for his appt at the new cardiologist office up the road.  First I was shocked at his having some troubling signs, second I was completely shocked by the  news of the cardiology dept being closed. He mentioned something about "the new administration"... that's always bad news. 

Wednesday I knew the bug guy was due between 12-2. This was a 2 week follow up so he shouldn't have charged me the $48 again, but he did. This will require a phone call tomorrow. 

Later in the afternoon Bro and SIL picked me up and we had a leisurely drive up to pick up Dad, before heading to the clubhouse for another yummy dinner. Bro and I both had the chicken Caesar salad-- so good. It was a great evening.

Thursday morning I went to pick up my re-engraved and polished silver cuff bracelet, expertly and beautifully done by my jeweler at Masterpiece. I was so impressed-- I love the result so much. These engraved initials are from my grandmother's grandmother, Helen Brown. It must have meant a lot to my grandmother. I feel pretty honored to be wearing it.

After I got home, I got a call from an AlAnon friend needing to talk, so we did for half an hour or so. We both felt better after this.  At 1:50 I'd been engrossed in a movie set in Revolutionary war times, with Spencer Tracey, when I happened to see the time and shot out of my seat. Missy had an appt at 2 at the vet!  Fortunately all I had to do was put sandals on and grab Missy and her leash to jump in the car. We arrived 7 minutes later. Thank god the vet is literally just around the corner.

She was a shivering wreck, and glued herself to my side. We had to wait almost 40 minutes which is not usual there. But all is well-- she's gained a pound, so she is 13lbs 6 oz. Not good for a little dog who is supposed to be 9lbs. She still has the faint heart murmur; and her occasional choking spells which happen sometimes after exertion are probably nothing. I'm to monitor that, and watch for any other concerning symptoms. $140 for that exam and refill of her meds.

Friday I did household stuff, cleaning, laundry, reviewing finances. I had my appt at oncology at 1:10, arrived early as requested, and after the vitals and the labs were drawn I was shown to an exam room. Where I sat and waited until 1:45. Again, not usual. 

Finally the NP opened the door and seemed surprised to see me, but said she'd get her laptop and start the visit. She is dreadfully slow, but there was a lot to catch up on, so it worked out all right. She and I are having a lot of the same issues, and compared notes and treatments. 

She also suggested the antidepressant Lexapro. I declined, but now I'm wondering. She said I could call anytime if I change my mind. This was the third day when I didn't need to take a pain pill. But I do use the gummies if it starts hurting. Standing for longer periods of time really aggravates the pain, which goes shooting down my leg. 

On the way home I filled up the gas tank, and back at home I got in the pool before the rain started. The pool helps so much. 

Saturday morning at the meeting, I got to turn over the key to someone else.  The meeting was based on a reading discussing the incredible amounts of money we spend (on fines, treatments, rehab centers, therapy, etc for our loved ones with addiction/alcoholism) before realizing nothing we do will help. The recovery has to start with the addict. (And no, I have not heard from my sons.)

Afterwards on a whim I stopped in at the Dollar General to see what they had; I found a couple of big plastic planters for my ever increasing collection of plants. I found some plant food, and a small plastic watering can, and a few other things.

At home I made a batch of cookie dough, and popped it in the fridge. Later MissS came over for pool time-- the temp was 88degrees. It soon became clear a big storm was coming so we had to get out too soon, and shortly after that the skies opened up. This was a huge storm with very loud thunder and flashes of lightning, and buckets of rain.

At one point during the storm MissS and I were watching a documentary on Sanibel before and after the hurricane in 2022, Ian. That was stressful enough-- the footage was just heartbreaking and the devastation was almost unbelievable. I was surprised at how triggering it was to look at.  All I could think of was Hugo, so many years ago. I was so sad. It was hard to handle the tears.

Suddenly a gigantic explosion occurred, sounding like it was across the street. MissS had a direct view of this.  She described it as an orange explosion and we both were shocked to the point of jumping, as did the cats, who scattered in all directions. 

It turned out the transformer next to Chris' house was hit, and that side of the street and the next street over were without power for hours.  (When the power trucks arrived, I could hear some of the neighbors shouting for joy, welcoming them. It took a few hours to repair--it was about 10:30pm when the trucks finally left.  I had texted Chris who was alone, and asked if he was okay.  He was appreciative that I had checked on him, and he was fine.)

When the documentary was over,  I made our dinner, and she focused on making the cookies. These turned out spectacularly. I gave MissS half to take with her.  She got back in the pool for a short time before leaving. There had been SO MUCH rain during this storm that the pool filled up completely, at least 2 more inches, so it looks like an infinity pool. 

After she'd gone, I watched some shows on Hulu, and while also scrolling on Facebook I saw reviews of the concerts Barry Manilow is doing. This is his final tour, due to his recent diagnosis of lung cancer, and although I've seen him twice before, it's a wonderful show. I checked where he was in FL, and Jacksonville is the closest venue, in August. I had to seriously think about it, but... I splurged and bought two tickets. 

Then I texted MissS and asked her if she would be interested. She responded that she wasn't really familiar with his music, but she'd go.  She is an angel. 

I also asked Sis if she'd be interested... and she had seen him before too and loved it, but was worried about the driving. (Same here.)  In the end I agree with Sis that MissS will love it too.

This coming week I have no appts, nothing really except a trip to see Paul the groomer, since I didn't get to it last week. That will probably be on Tuesday.

I'm tired, and aching physically. My state of mind is just fuzzy mostly, and I am glad the worst of the outdoor chores are done. I just need someone with a chainsaw (Chris?) to cut up that freakin' huge wooden thing.  My cardinals are still in the nest... but I think I saw a baby with an open mouth as I casually passed by that tree.

And of course the stupid Mexican petunias... an ongoing saga.

Still, I am so grateful for my life, my family, my friends. 

TYG

Sunday

 JFC, it's just after noon, and it's 88 degrees outside. Sigh. I don't know why I am so surprised every year. I've been here 10 years now, you'd think I'd be used to it.  The pool is at 85 degrees, which is great for me.

It's also official Father's Day, so I've texted DrI and we are in the middle of a conversation.  We had our Father's Day celebration yesterday at Sis' house. BIL and she supplied the meats (chicken, pork, spare ribs) and sides of coleslaw and mac and cheese and garlic toast, and I brought the deviled eggs. I'd brought the meatloaf for Dad, and Sis put that in the freezer.  It was all yummy. It was just me and  Dad and Sis and BIL.

However, Bro and SIL arrived later bringing desserts of cookies and brownies and ice cream. Incredibly rich, and so good. Then Shannon arrived, and that was nice. 

We'd seen a doe and two fawns earlier, meandering around the lawn. That is so cool; it's endearing to realize they trust the residents in the house.

Missy and I left around 5, as Bro and SIL did, and I got in the pool when I got home. It felt wonderful.

That morning I'd gone to the AlAnon meeting, and got hugs from all my friends. I was basking in the glow of one long talk in particular with K, just standing out in the parking lot, in all the heat and humidity. He knows just what to say to help my aching soul.

One thing I'm mulling over: at one point I'd said my heart was cracked, and he instantly and gently said, but don't you see, that's where God is...    Hmm, must ponder. (Sometimes he says things that seem over my head. Once I commented that he spoke so eloquently and thoughtfully, was he ever a minister, a preacher? And he hesitated before saying  Nooooo very slowly. There's a story there, I'm sure.)

Last Sunday, MissS came over in the afternoon, and dragged the entire leftover branch pile out to the curb. It was incredibly hot. I could not bring myself to go outside due to the damn headache I'd had for 2-3 days by then. I'm sure it was related to the weather, because I could not shake it. Anyway, she did that for me in less than half an hour, and then we got in the pool and talked. 

She was due to officially start the new job the next day, a remote training, online, consisting of a number of modules to learn/read, etc.  She didn't stay for dinner, which actually worked out okay: my neighborhood lost power for less than a half hour, right around dinner time. I'd gotten a text that it would be restored by 10:45... but actually it came on much earlier.

The next morning I finished my nebulizer treatments, and found the paperwork for my appt with the PCP in time. I packed up all my meds, but nobody asked to see them. I learned that I'd lost 3 lbs. I'm not really actively trying to lose, and in fact I thought I'd gained due to my inactivity from the hip/leg thing.  

Instead we reviewed the labs and since the cholesterol level is too high we decided to start the statin. The CoQ10 clearly didn't work; I'll stop decrease the cheese. Sigh.

She renewed my GI meds, and is okay with managing these, so no referral to a GI is needed now. But she is putting in a referral to the Derm, and gave me a new rx for the cough pills which were working. Once again she offered an antidepressant, after learning I'm weeping with grief roughly every other day. I do think this is normal, and I really do not want yet another pill. 

Back at home I just collapsed.  Didn't do much of anything.

Tuesday I did some online ordering from Walmart, to take advantage of the free delivery trial again. Everything got delivered on time,  and the one thing I ordered apparently was out of stock, so that cost was refunded.

Wednesday I went to Publix to pick up my meds ($95!  two were free, two were the $45 and $50 items).  And that evening I started the statin, on the lookout for side effects. I attended the Zoom meeting, shutting off the camera part while I ate my dinner, but listening.

Thursday morning, Sis came over and helped me with figuring out two weird pieces of email. Fortunately both were legit. Then we picked up the cat carriers which held the two boys, and popped them in the car. I'd had the usual difficulty capturing them but at least I didn't get scratched.

I drove us to the groomer, and the place was pretty busy, yet we didn't have long to wait. Paul met Sis and then whisked the kitties off one by one.  I feel so much better now, with their toenails clipped. Next week I'll bring Missy and Willow.

Sis stayed for awhile after we got home, just talking and catching up. It looked like it might start raining heavily at one point, so she left to get home before it did.

And at 3:30 MissS called, hysterical. She had just been let go!  She wasn't able to finish all the online modules because she was denied access to the program, and when she explained this to the training supervisor, she was called dishonest!   I've never heard of such a thing. 

I shared this info with everyone in our family, as she didn't feel up to being at the Father's Day meal yesterday. Everyone is shocked and practically speechless.  No one quite knows how to respond, as this is unheard of.

I think that things happen for a reason... but I also know I don't always know the reason at the time. Sometimes it's not apparent until quite some time later, when you can look back and see how all the threads are connecting. 

I feel so much pain for her, and yet she has survived so much. I'm definitely hopeful things will turn around, but currently it is a slow path.

Friday morning I made the meatloaf and stuck it in the freezer. I hope it turns out well. I didn't feel right that day, very low energy. I mainly watched movies, and read, and embroidered.

One very nice thing happened this day: Ben, J's photographer friend, sent me a photo I'd never seen before. On a day trip to the Coast, Ben and J were standing on either side of a huge old-growth tree which had been chopped down who knows when. Ben has his arms folded, leaning on the base. J is also leaning on the base, smiling, one leg on the trunk. It's an amazing capture, and such a gift.  I adore this photo. I need to find another 5x7 frame. I was so touched-- happy tears indeed.

After the AlAnon meeting Saturday morning, I stopped by the Pinch a Penny to get more chlorine. It's now sitting in the car because damn, those jugs are heavy. I'll ask MissS to bring them in for me. 

And when I got home I made the deviled eggs, and packaged everything up including Missy to travel up to Sis'. I had given Missy a mild sedative, but it hadn't kicked in yet.  She shivered and trembled on the drive up, but calmed down a lot when we were sitting in the living room.  She and Rufus basically ignore each other, fortunately. 

This coming week I call the vet for an appt for Missy, and I have my ultrasound on Tuesday. This is the first time it's been just the US and not the usual accompanying mammogram. Interesting. Friday is my followup appt with DrA. The US results should be available by then.

And before next Saturday's AlAnon meeting can start, I pass the door key along to someone else. I can't believe this whole month is almost over.

Hoping to get a swim in today. I think it's pretty warm.

Very grateful, whatever happens. TYG

Sunday

 It's quite warm... to say the least. I keep the AC at 78,  and am being rewarded by the electric bill remaining at around $140 or so. 

MissS was over last Sunday afternoon; we got in the pool, and talked a lot.

Monday was a quiet day; I rewatched an old favorite movie with Loretta Young and William Holden and Robert Mitchum. Decided I needed to read this, which means finding it on the old book site and downloading it.

Tuesday was a big, big day. Sis and BIL stopped by to help install the beautifully cleaned rug into the second bedroom. It took 3 of us, although they did all of the heavy lifting. It looks amazing. I'm so thrilled.

As we were recovering, BIL went outside to take some measurements for the trench project, while Sis and I got caught up. When BIL came back in,  we were talking about the outdoor projects I still needed done, which Chris had said he'd do but still hadn't. BIL casually mentioned he had a pole saw in the truck... and said he could take care of these trees right then!  I was so excited and thrilled and in shock. I told Sis that MissS was due anytime to help me with some of the boxes in the guestroom.

And then BIL and I went outside to tackle the trees. That pole saw is heavy to wield, when you are aiming it upwards to take those things down safely. BIL did a heroic job-- two trees down along the chain link fence, and one much larger/taller tree in the back west corner along the fence. Everything was cut and stacked, ready to load into the wheelbarrow. 

I can't express how much of a relief it is to have those dead things gone, safely out of risk of entangling with the wires and cables. I have hated seeing those, since the February freeze. BIL did an amazing and careful job, and I practically cried with happiness.

They left shortly afterwards, and meanwhile MissS had arrived; we tackled two boxes, and just that amount was emotionally draining. I found several things I am planning to photograph and send out to the cousins, to see if anyone wants them.  

We stopped around 4. Later we cooked dinner together-- I'd thawed some mystery meat which turned out to be filet mignon, two small pieces. So we had those and lima beans and mashed potatoes.  I was so afraid of ruining these filets; I read a couple of recipes and watched one particular video multiple times, as it seemed a bit easier than the other videos. MissS didn't love the result, but I did, and saved the rest of hers which I had for dinner the next night too. May have been too salty? 

Wednesday morning I picked up my meds at Publix, and stopped at the jeweler's to ask them about re-engraving the cuff bracelet; they do this and will call me when it's ready. They also cleaned my diamond rings. Back at home I did laundry, moved the old bedroom curtains to the guest room, and took the wheelbarrow load to the curb in time for the afternoon pick up.

My pest control guy came and will come back in two weeks; apparently there are signs of bugs but fortunately I have not seen any.  

I had arranged to try the free delivery program from Walmart, and sure enough they were delivered on time right to my front door. Very handy.

And in the evening I attended my AlAnon Zoom meeting.

Thursday morning I managed both my nebulizer treatments and took some OTC cough medication, because MissS and Sis both came here to pick me up for the movie we'd planned to see, The Sheep Detectives.  We three were the only ones in the theater, until just before the previews started when 3 more people came in. The popcorn was yummy and addictive. 

The movie was not at all what I expected,  but I still enjoyed it. Good story, beautiful locations. Live action was so well done.

Back at home Sis left fairly soon, but MissS stayed for a few hours. We got rid of one entire pile, about 3 trips to the curb with the wheelbarrow loaded. 

Then we got into the pool at last!  I scrubbed it down and she added the liquid chlorine (when we were cooled off and out). Both of us had received a very small amount from the Facebook settlement related to the class action lawsuit, so she added that amount to my Amazon balance. 

Later that evening, much to my shock and surprise, I got a text from my third granddaughter, Layla. She is apparently heavily planning her future, researching colleges, currently into marine biology. She suggested she could come live with me while she attends Univ of S Florida in St Petersburg. She was so excited about this, and I was too! 

She is only 12, but I am so proud of her for thinking about it now. I had to point out sadly, that the college is on the Gulf side and I am on the Atlantic side, so commuting wouldn't be possible, but that she was more than welcome to visit or stay with me anytime. 

It was amazing to hear from her. I'd been sending cards and presents for years since moving here, but when I got no response, I backed off a couple of years ago.

And yet there it was, the text, the "seed" as my friend happily pointed out when I recounted this to her. My friend was delighted for me, and we reminded each other of the point of having Faith-- we don't know what will happen, but things are happening behind the scenes to work in our favor. 

Friday? I cannot remember anything! I know I didn't do any yard work except some weeding in the front, and watering the front plants, rinsing  out the trash can. I didn't feel like doing much.  

I think Friday was the day MissS learned she starts her new job tomorrow, Monday. She has a few days of in-home work training, and once that's done she'll know more of what is expected. I know she is anxious about this, but I think most people are anxious to start a new job, whatever it is. I know I was, and most of the co-workers I've ever met in my life start off anxious about the change.

Saturday I got to the meeting early enough that it was just B, the non hugger, whom I teasingly call Eddie. I was feeling low, worried about my sons, worried about what I could or should not do. B immediately discerned this, and again, gave me a big hug, and we sat and talked about the options. 

When C came in 15 minutes later, and then M, clearly needing to talk with B, I went and stood near where C was sitting. She kicked the empty chair out toward me and said, "Come, sit down". And then we talked, sharing concerns about our sons-- she has 4, all adults of course. We both got teary.

When more people came in, I saw K sitting with R in a completely different spot than usual. I went over, teasing him about the change in seating, but it literally does give one a new perspective. We talked some more about some other tools of the program to use to calm the hamster wheel in our heads. It was very helpful. 

For some reason my coughing was almost out of control. I hadn't had time to do the antibiotic inhaler and was planning on doing that one when I got home. But it was embarrassing to be the Cough-er. No one said anything of course, but I came this close to leaving the room. Eventually it calmed down. I was able to share at the beginning of the reading, and that set off a train of different thoughts. It's always a good meeting, and I am always so grateful.

After the meeting I stopped at Aldi's to pick up some fresh veggies, and some creamer and a few other things. After watching a few movies, I had an early dinner and then it started raining for about an hour, not heavily, but very welcome anyway.

When the rain stopped I went outside and power washed the pool deck-- it's so much easier when the rain has loosened the dirt enough to wash away. The pile that is left of the two trees is dried and crumpled, so hopefully this will be easier to clean up and bring to the curb.  And when that washing was done, I got in the pool which was 85 degrees!  It was wonderful and really helped my hip/leg thing.

Monday I have an appt with my PCP, and I have a list of things to discuss: the cholesterol level, the refills of the cholestyramine powder I use daily, I'm needing a prescription cough medication, referrals to a GI and a Derm. I am out of the med the GI prescribed and can not see her because she is not a contracted provider with my insurance. So either the doc takes over the refills, or she refers me to a different GI; I don't care which, or maybe I don't need the med anymore.

I have one more week, this coming week, of the antibiotic, and then it's two weeks off. 

Today is Flag Day, whatever that is, and it's also the Felon's birthday. Apparently bad weather is expected up in DC, which hopefully will ruin the gigantic cage he's had erected on that beautiful lawn, to manage the fights he wants to see. Sickening. Well, I won't get into politics here.

I guess that's it. My hip/leg thing is slowly improving, and I rarely need to take the pain pill; instead I am using the gummies. I don't know what will happen later in the year when the rules change, but maybe I won't need them by then.

TYG

Sunday

 This day is beginning with humidity, but there's no rain indicated.

Monday was BIL's official retirement day, although I've learned since that he is going to remain as a "special consultant". Not sure how much time that will involve, but right now he is catching up on projects around their  house that have been put off.

Tuesday was a quiet day.  Although I did receive some gorgeous flowers from my neighbors, Barry and Kitty. No reason at all. I haven't seen her in person for several months; in fact I'd wondered if she had died. But that morning, when Missy started barking, I went to look and almost didn't recognize Kitty, who was  carefully navigating the walkway to the front door. She was so unbalanced she was walking with her arms outstretched, and still was determined to get to the door holding this beautiful bunch of flowers and greenery. 

I gave her a gentle hug, and she is a tiny little thing, just skin and bones-- she and he are maybe 10 years older than me. J was good friends with them and they have kind of been keeping an eye on me since.  She looks awful, frankly. I knew she had a terminal cancer, but can't remember what kind. It was so sweet of them.

Wednesday morning I got up early to get ready to go get my blood drawn.  I had the same phlebotomist as last time, and this time it all went perfectly-- I didn't feel a thing, and  better than that she got the vein right away. No bruising, no pain. Phew!

J's daughter Amelia has two daughters of her own, and the oldest celebrated a birthday this day also; she is 12, just like my granddaughter Layla. 

I skipped the Zoom meeting that evening, not feeling well enough to be "on".

Thursday morning I finally decided to refill the bird feeders in front. When I took them down, I saw the bird seed had solidified into a caked on mess. I spent quite some time scraping that stuff out, and cleaning the two feeders. I even put them in the dishwasher and did a cycle, which did a great job. They are my copper feeders, so easy to fill and keep track of, and the birds love them.  When I re-hung them, it wasn't long before the birds were back. I really should have checked them a few weeks ago. 

MissS was here also late morning Thursday, and mowed both front and back lawns. She is an Angel. Afterwards we both got in the pool, drifting and talking. She spotted two pileated woodpeckers in a tree close by, hammering away, maybe making a nest?

After we began cooling off, we came back inside and we finished watching a movie I'd started earlier with Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell.  MM would have been 100 on June 1, if she'd lived. She missed so much, leaving the planet when she did. Poor thing.

MissS treated us to a pizza and sub from Marco's. My sub was yummy, and my eyes got the better of me. I ate the whole 6 inches and felt quite overfull afterwards. Most uncomfortable. I learned my lesson-- but it was so nice to eat something I hadn't prepared myself! 

Friday morning was my sons' 40th birthday. Much to my surprise I heard from both of them that morning, early. Both admitted to feeling older and some shock, and the ongoing grief of losing their dad.

Later in the morning I made a new recipe called Hummingbird Dump Cake, and took it out of the oven at noon. It took me a few minutes to find a container to carry the 9x13 pan, which was quite hot! Then I took it out to the car and drove up to Sis' and BIL's and Dad's house, where I arrived at 1pm.  We caught up on things and had some of the cake. It was very, very good and very rich... Everyone loved it. I left plenty there when I left at 2:45, and stopped at Publix to pick up my meds.

Back at home, I got in the pool, and drifted for awhile before doing my stretching. When I got back inside and was trying to figure out what to do for dinner, I got another text from Nick. (He had shared earlier that they didn't have food stamps anymore due to the Felon's new requirements for food stamps. They've been living on food boxes passed out by various churches.)

He had also shared they had to move out by the 17th, and didn't know what they were going to do. (The property, the whole apartment complex, has been sold to new owners, who are going to revamp the whole thing and charge more money.) He said they weren't drinking as much, therefore Jason wasn't having any more seizures, and was "doing fine".

In this second conversation, he did ask very gently if I could send them some groceries, using Walmart's free delivery service. We went back and forth for a few minutes, figuring out logistics and what foods would be useful.  He even called, using the video call on Messenger. I was both glad to see them, and shocked. 

Even though he'd said they weren't drinking as much, it was clear they were drunk. Sigh. I don't know why I ever believe them, or expect any different. They both looked godawful. 

I finally figured out how to do the WM delivery, and ending up filling several shopping bags-- in OR they use paper bags with handles for the delivery; I'd forgotten they are so progressive back there that they have banned plastic bags.  Wish the whole country would.  Wish I lived in a blue state.  

The text came to me from WM that the order was delivered at 6:11 pm, their time... so of course it was after 9 here. I notified Nick,  but he said it wasn't there at their door, as promised. The photo showing the delivery wasn't very clear, but I sent it to Nick to see if he could figure out where the bags were delivered.

While he did that, searching all around the complex, I sent a scathing review to WM, and removed the tip I'd added for the driver.  I was so angry!  At one point I had texted Nick that since I couldn't fix it from here, it was up to him to go and find it. I said how angry I was that I'd bought $87 worth of food, and for him to please not tell me this was a waste.  I'd even chosen a small birthday cake from the WM bakery.

I don't know why I keep expecting gratitude.  Eventually he did text that he'd found it. It was misdelivered to the other side of the complex. There were five bags of groceries, and two gallons of milk. I don't know how many trips he made back to his apartment, but that's part of why I was so angry and disappointed. To go to the effort of arranging a delivery, and then have it mismanaged so badly. 

So I had done my best, and because I was tired and disappointed I probably did not handle stuff in the best way.  This is why I need the Meetings: I needed a reality check on what to expect, and what not to expect.

The next morning, Saturday, I woke up feeling physically awful. I don't know if it was the cake (which I'd only had a small serving of but OMG it was rich, and I'd used real butter since this was the first time I made it), or the fact that I'd restarted the damn antibiotic the day before, or the ongoing  pain in my leg/hip or, as my friend N later gently pointed out,  the emotional phone call and aftermath of all the emotions.  

I debated not going to the meeting, being deeply afraid I wouldn't make the trip without needing a bathroom before my arrival there. But by the time I thought of that, I had remembered I had the key to the door, and had to go. Plus I didn't have B's phone number to alert him to my absence. 

I made it to the meeting safely, but explained to him I might need to leave. I must have looked pretty bad, because this non-hugger actually put his arm around me and softly suggested I sit down and relax. He and the others finished setting up. I skipped the coffee, and just sipped on water. By the end of the meeting I felt emotionally better, as always. 

Physically I could tell it wasn't as bad, but I was still on the verge of tears; one of my widow friends there could tell, and she whispered some words of encouragement to me. 

I was talking to yet another widow friend, and my friend K passed behind me bringing the supplies back to their storage area. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and reached out to pat him on the shoulder as I was  listening. A minute later, I was enfolded from behind and he said, "That wasn't enough of a hug-- let's do this properly!"  So sweet. 

I did relearn what to expect from active alcoholics-- nothing. It was my choice to supply them with some food. It was funded by my insurance benefits card, so it didn't even cost me a thing. 

My mistake was expecting gratitude, more thanks than the simple "thanks Mom" I got. Seeing them on the video call was shocking, and frightening. One of my friends reminded me that as they age, they will experience more and more health issues. Then I reminded him they already had pretty serious issues-- the heart thing for Nick and the seizures for Jason. Both of them know they are alcoholic, they are not in denial anymore. How much worse do things have to get before they decide to try recovery? And what will happen to them after the 17th-- all their belongings and their dad's stuff, the cat, the car with its flat tire due to a nail.

I try not to involve myself in their lives, especially since they rarely ask for help.  They know what needs to happen.  I've been thinking about all this since Friday, and I know this is part of not enabling them. Maybe this eviction will be their bottom. 

It's so hard to have hope without expectations.

On the way home from the meeting, I was so low on gas I had to fill up, so I went to the Cumberland station I normally use. Oddly, every single time I tried to squeeze the handle to activate the fuel, it would almost immediately stop, or give me a gallon and then stop. There was no button to request help, so at the $4 mark I just gave up. Replaced the fuel pump hose, and left. I went to a 7/11 further up the road and even though it was more expensive I didn't care. I filled up there with no problem.

At home I did laundry, sweeping, remade the bed after the laundry was done, and actually took a nap. When I woke up I still didn't feel right, and the pool was only 82, so I skipped it. 

Instead I found a movie called On The Beach, with Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, and Fred Astaire, the first time he'd done a dramatic role, with no dancing. I'm going to have to read this book because it was riveting.

Set in 1964 Australia, because a nuclear accident has affected most of the world; it's filmed in B&W.  Along with the other residents of this town, they are the final  survivors; the movie moves us over the next five months as the radiation in the air increases. It was scary to watch, because this could so easily happen to us. Especially now with the political climate as it is. 

I have nothing going on this week, but I was able to access my lab results on Thursday. The bad news is the CoQ10 I've been on for 3 months didn't help at all with the cholesterol level. It's still considered "borderline high" so I'm not sure if I will be put on a statin, or whether they wait until it's officially "high". My appt isn't until next week, so I'll learn then.

Arghh. What an interesting week.  Oh, and today is June 7-- the days that mom and Gramma died, although 12 years apart. Gramma died in 2000,  mom in 2012.  

Sortedbyname.com lists Gramma's death date as June 8. Interesting. (Edit: we found the death certificate, which also lists the date as June 8. Why did we think it was June 7??)

Also fascinating is the below. It leads to a blogger who chronicles genealogical histories, and this entry concerns the house that Gramma lived in while growing up in Manhattan, also explaining the connection between the Edmonds and the Raetze families, which I had mostly forgotten or gotten confused on. I hadn't realized Stuart Edmonds was actually Gramma's adopted brother, along with Gris. I think I remember a tragedy involving Gris as well, but I can't remember the details. Probably Robert or Richard know. 

https://daytoninmanhattan.blogspot.com/2025/12/the-edward-t-and-viola-b-cockcroft.html

TYG