Sunday

Lots happened this week. Hair changes, which I like more and more. My "side part" is creeping back toward "off-center"--more of what I like. I received compliments on it during the work week, so I know it was time. Time to get it cut, I mean.

Sister turned the big 50! That's amazing to me, my baby sister entering the 50s. I love being in my 50s; the best part of my life has been the last 9 years, since leaving my previous marriage. Every single year gets better and better, which doesn't seem possible, but it's true, and I think  my sister will find the same. (Oops--that sounds bad. I didn't mean from leaving her marriage---but because she has shared with me other changes she is thinking of. I think she will make some changes in her life because she is focusing on what will most fulfill her. That's what Life  is for, right??))

Also during the week, we decided to just make the leap and get more chicks!  J and I and daughter worked last weekend on moving the chicken coop to the other side of the yard, and then we worked on reinforcing the fencing. Had to stop before completion because the weather got bad again.

But then, instead of waiting til it was actually done before adding the chicks, we just did it.  J called around and found one of the feed stores we go to did still have chicks, so after work we just went right over, and chose 8, 2 each of Americaunas, Black Australorps, Rhode Island Reds, and Buff Orpingtons. Neither of us has had Australorps before, and J has had RIRs, but the young woman helping us had only good things to say about both breeds. So we are hopeful.  They are now inside the house, in the office in a huge wooden box lined with shavings, and it's so wonderful to hear the cheeping again. It'll be probably 5 or 6 months before we have eggs, but that's okay. Half of them were one week old, and the others were 2 weeks old. They are just so cute. I can't wait to see how they grow up. This time the pen will be enclosed. Much as I hate to not let them out, it's safer for them to be not free ranging. Although secretly I have hopes that they can be outside if we are outside too...

My NP-C is happy with my work; she told me twice this week that we make a good team.  That makes me feel good; other than getting the official approval for doing injections on my own I feel pretty confident already. Love this job. Although my department does have some changes coming up, I feel very capable of dealing with them. It's wonderful to be surrounded by people who encourage, rather than people who subtle-ly demean you. The farther I get from the ortho office, the more I am able to see just how bad it was. Thank you, God, for this opportunity.

 The only irritations in my life now are minute; literally, ant-sized. This is spring, and the ants are everywhere. SO annoying. No matter how often we clean up, with any combination of bleach or detergent or febreze or whatever latest product someone swears by, they are all over the kitchen and the bathroom. It's enough to make me want to use chemical warfare. I wish J didn't feel so strongly against it.

The other irritation is a matter of adjustment to one paycheck a month. Because of still transitioning to this kind of system, we are coming up short--this month for instance I lost an entire week's pay due to my horrible sinus infection.  My plan to pay the student loan off is not working the way I wanted it to, therefore next month we will try just sending a large amount to that bill first, and then paying the others. Similar to paying oneself, or putting money in savings first, before other bills; taking it right off the top and living on what's left. I think that should work.

I think my daughter will only be with us one more month. It sounds like she will be heading to either Ireland or Greece for an au pair job. I know the Ireland one is a 6month commitment, and I don't know what the other one's time frame is. To me, it's a no-brainer: Ireland would be my top and only choice. I've always felt drawn to that part of the world, and if my  own 20s had been different, that's where I'd have gone. Someday I'll travel there, but it won't be for a few more years.  

So I'm excited for her, and happy, and I think this will work out far better than Georgia-the-country. For one thing they speak English there, and there won't be the disastrous language barrier. For another, it's close to where her friend is living (at least for a few more months), and she will have access to affordable travel options. She does have friends in that part of the world, from the Georgia experience. I don't think she will make a lot of money, but then that's not the point; the point is to experience life in another country. Plus she loves kids, and is very good with them.

I will miss her terribly. She has always been special just because she is my daughter, and a great and funny companion, loving, thoughtful, and growing up to be someone I am dearly proud of.  I almost can't believe she won't be in the same country--for some reason Ireland seems much closer. It's only an 8hour time difference too, and that helps. 

But she does need to be on her own; her recent blog postings have revealed just how uncomfortable and depressed and frustrated and guilty she feels over living with her parents, not able to support herself. She will get there, I have no doubt, but it's a long process. The sooner she is on her own, the better she will feel. And once out there, other opportunities will find her.

J recently found out that the friend of his (who had his knee replaced just one day before J did) has been diagnosed with an infection in the knee; that explains why his recovery has been so much more painful and difficult. That poor guy is going to have to have two more surgeries, and recovery periods to treat the infection. What a disaster. He had a different surgeon than J so naturally the tendency is to blame the surgeon. But in fact, a post-op infection is one of the risks with any kind of surgery. It's covered in the informed consent. It happens to a small few, but it does happen. It's too bad. Again I thank God this didn't happen to J.

As much pain as J has been dealing with, and as frustrating to him as the long recovery and healing process is, at least he is getting better, steadily improving. It's hard for him to deal with the slowness of the  process, especially when he sees how much work there is to be done around here. I keep having to reassure him, that he is not "lazy" for sitting on the sofa with his knee elevated because of the continued swelling. He is finding that he must do less than he wants, because of the persistent swelling with any kind of activity. It's a matter of working for shorter periods, and then deciding to rest that knee before it gets too bad. He is still not taking any pain meds other than his usual for the arthritis, so I think he is doing well. But he is also continually massaging the knee, because it hurts him all the time. Pain is debilitating, but he does not complain. He does go to bed early because he is exhausted from dealing with it, but that I believe is normal. 

It is such a nasty cold and gloomy windy wet day. I want to walk, but I don't like walking in the rain!   Yet I must do some kind of activity. We were going to work outside on prepping the wood but the weather makes one want to stay inside and be couch potatoes... I think I will just have to bundle up and do it, no matter how I feel about it.

Sunday

Happy Easter! It's a pretty Sunday morning, alternating showers and sun. It's still cold this early in the day, but it will warm up to upper 60s, then go back down to the 50s during the week.

J and I did errands yesterday morning, after I got back from my meeting of course.   S was gone for the afternoon visiting her Grandmother. It was nice to be together as usual. We are still in the process of adjusting to a monthly paycheck, and we have miscalculated how much we would need for weekly expenses. So instead of taking it from savings we are putting the absolutely necessary expenses on a credit card until J's payday next Wednesday. Neither of us wants to do this, but neither do we want to take it from savings.That said, we're pretty okay with charging, as we will be paying it off in full.

Last week was great at work; my medical health ID card finally arrived, and this week the dental card should arrive. So I scheduled my annual exam appt for during the time in June when NP-C is at a national headache conference. I'll also schedule the mammogram that week.  And probably my eye exam, as  I think I need a new glasses rx.

This week I attended my first monthly meeting of the  clinical staff; every month they offer it at a couple of different times or locations, so I chose an early morning one and it was interesting. About 40 of the clinical staff showed up. They announced all new employees and where they were working, announced all departing staff both clinical and nonclinical, announced incoming MDs and where and when they'd be working. My dept, Neurology, is adding two more MDs by the fall, and that means two more CMAs. Now that I know the office setup, I'm wondering where the MAs will be sitting...there are four stations in a rectangle in the center of the office, and that's where the current CMAs sit (except for me--me and NP-C are off in our own little wing). Where will two more be sitting?

Then they gave two presentations on health issues of interest. Then there were the monthly drawings for prizes for various acts of kindness. That was it.

I went back to my office and because I was so overloaded with tasks (messages to and from patients, prescription refill requests, MRI or lab orders to write up, requests from the front office as to whether it's okay to schedule this patient or that one with NP-C instead of the MD, requests from my provider to get a hold of this or that person or place, make copies of such and such, basically any secretarial work she needs), when one of the CMAs casually asked me how I was doing--as I was headed for the copier yet again--I said cheerfully "I'm drowning, of course!"  And she looked at me, and said, "Well, here--grab the student! Have her room the patients and you handle your tasks. She's looking for something to do!"  So that's what happened. Jessica roomed my patients all morning and I worked strictly on the tasks. It made a huge difference. After the student left at noon, I roomed my own patients and still managed to get caught up. That solid 4 hours really helped me.  

Then I had to repeat the stupid TB test this week, and that takes extra time; I leave work right at 5 so I can stop at the lab on the way home one day, and then two days later I go in a bit early so I can stop at the lab on the way to work for the tech to officially read the results. But that is finally done. I have a few online trainings to do, and still need to be "observed" while I do some injections, but other than that I am an official employee.

J has finished with official physical therapy and is trying to get me to request more PT for myself, because of my hip. But I'm not so sure: I've had PT several times over the years, and most recently she gave me exercises and stretches to do, and I just need to remember to do them regularly. It's so easy to put them off...

I can't remember if I've written about the ongoing hair drama process of growing out my hair. For years and years I've had the same hair cut and style: shorter layers all over my head, and bangs.  Well, last December I had my cut as usual and then decided that was it. I was going to try growing it out. See what happened.  Try something different. Right??

Coincidentally, I had interviews with my (now) employer while I was at that shaggy stage, and so I was feeling a bit unpolished, but I also was under a lot of stress because of J's surgery.  So I just didn't really notice how shaggy it was becoming.  The last two weeks in particular have been making me crazy. I loved how long it was getting, but the front which normally has not been "in my face" is definitely now IN MY Face. I am constantly sweeping the long long bangs to one side or another. No matter what I do, what product I use, how I comb/brush/air dry/blow dry --no matter what, I cannot get it to behave or even look the same way two days in a row. I'm aware that I'm not supposed to have my hair in my face especially at work, but it's not long enough to push back behind my ears. I look different to myself, and cannot figure out if I like it, or if I should give up and go back to what has worked in the past, or just push through the awkward growing out phase. I bet no one would know how often I am thinking about the Hair Issue!  I've been thinking more and more about it, and it's become a major Thing. I whine and vent to my poor husband and even more to my poor patient daughter. Daughter thinks I need to keep growing it; Hubby says, do whatever you like--you look beautiful no matter what.  Neither is any help, other than simply being a caring pair of ears.

So after much urging and dithering and poring over every short or medium hairstyle and cut option for women over 50 / with gray and brown hair/ with round or oval faces...after J practically ordered me gently encouraged me to dredge up my courage and go someplace new and ask for help with figuring out what I can do (he even offered to go with me, the sweetheart), after all that, I did get in the car and went someplace I hadn't been before. 

I poured out my hair history, and my current frustrations, and what I liked and didn't like, and what I had time for in the mornings, and the lovely young woman listened intently and asked a lot of questions, and then! She suggested options and helped clarify what I wanted. She took her time, and verified with me every step, explaining what she was doing, asking for feedback the whole time, and then letting it take shape. I was scared but at my wit's end, and said I was counting on any and all suggestions and options.

When she was done, I think I like it. It's different: I had a crooked-ish side part just a couple of inches off center, with longish layers, about 3 inches gone off the ends, and more of a vision of where  I was headed. She did encourage me to keep letting it grow, but to come in for regular trims, and know that it would take about a year for it all to reach one length if that's what I wanted. She gave me options for how to wear it at work while it's growing out.

I feel much more "professional". The shaggy stuff is gone. It's going to take some getting used to, but I like it. Still can't put it behind my ears, but that will come. Change is HARD, even if it's "just hair". I've taken several photos, but I am not a great photographer with an iPhone. Maybe S will try.

It was worth it. Far better than heading off to another week of frustration, wondering what to do with it.

Today I am attempting to cook a leg of lamb. I've never done one, but roast lamb is a favorite, and I haven't had one in many years. With it I will have deviled eggs, mac and cheese, bread, and asparagus. Chutney with the lamb, instead of mint jelly. Although I think I do have some, somewhere... For dessert, as if we needed any more food, we are munching on the last of the Cadbury mini-eggs. Once they're gone, they're gone til next year. SO GOOD. J's daughter V will be joining us. As usual I have mixed feelings about her, but she dearly loves her dad, and he adores her, so there's nothing for me to do except try to focus on that part of her. 

Must walk! before the rain starts again...

Sunday

I started my job on February 17. That is almost two months now and although my health insurance supposedly started on 3/1/14, I still do not have an ID card. I've just received a bill from the Immediate Care Center for almost $300. I am supposed to just pay my co-pay for those two visits, and the insurance covers the rest. But since I don't have official coverage yet, I'm responsible for my bills. I've emailed HR three separate times this past week alone, and she keeps saying she will get back to me when she figures it out. Very frustrating. In the meantime at least my prescriptions are able to be filled; I'm in the process of transferring my rxs over to the new pharmacy and so far so good.

The weather has been heavenly--spring is finally here. Sunny days, cool and foggy in the morning, and warming up by afternoon, as in 60s and low 70s even. Things are blooming finally--at least a month late, but it is happening at last.

Our neighbor caught two raccoons in two nights in a trap he'd set. I wasn't going to ask, but J did: so what did you do with them? "Shot 'em."  I have to say I wish he hadn't killed them, I wish he had just caught them and then relocated them.  He said the biggest one was 4 feet long, from head to tail. That is one big coon.

S came home the other night from a concert, and as she pulled into her space in front of the carport, she saw a bobcat near the wood pile right in front of her. It looked at her and then disappeared into the field next to ours. We have 3 or 4 wood piles now (in addition to what we are currently using up) because our young neighbor is a landscaper; he is kind enough to bring us the results of his labor. We can sure use it! J will have to split a lot, and chop up the rest, and then we both stack it, but we have plenty already for the next winter.

I have to say I'm looking forward to being in a warmer climate at some point. Florida sounds pretty good. Even J commented yesterday that FL will be good; being on the blood thinner means he is cold a lot of the time, and so he wears wool sweaters despite the sunshine and breeze. He tires easier at night, and has the wood stove burning nightly. Usually we use it through May, and then even if the mornings are cool, we know it'll warm up enough by 10 or 11am.

He will be done with physical therapy after this coming week. It's been almost 12 weeks since the surgery. He rubs his knee a lot, massaging the pain. Apparently it's normal to still have this amount of pain this far out. He's off the  pain meds, has been off them for several weeks now. His second post-op visit is this week also. Then he'll go back at the 6month point, and then next January, and annually if he wants.

I found two pink hydrangeas at a big yard and garden sale yesterday. I had no plans on buying anything, but these are gorgeous...and these are already blooming, so despite my so-far rotten luck with these, I'm trying one more time. Today J will be digging big holes for them, and we'll plant them. I have two blue ones already in the ground, which don't ever seem to grow, much less bloom. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I just couldn't resist them... this is the time of year I want to be out there planting!!

I'm feeling a lot better. Not 100% yet, but much better. Finished the antibiotics, nasal spray, decongestant and the expectorant. I'm back to walking daily, and I'm sleeping well. My only complaint is the runny nose, which I'm wondering if it might be allergy-related. To what, I have no idea.

Friday my NP was out, so I was asked to come in and help the other MAs and of course I did. I ended up rooming patients  all day for the doc who is known to be the most ...umm..difficult. Frankly I was nervous, especially when the day started by her dictating software (or hardware--something) refusing to work, and so she was cussing big time, looking at me and telling asking me to get it fixed ASAP.  I went back to where the other MAs were and asked how we get that fixed, and one of them jumped right on the phone to IT, and whispered into the phone that this was an emergency to this particular doc...and they were here in the building in less than 5 minutes.   After that, the day was frantically busy. She sees 20-25 people daily. I had gotten used to NP's own more relaxed style, and being thrust back into a schedule like that was exhausting. By 10am I had a pounding headache. Not from the doc, just from the pace and the unfamiliarity.

Well, the whole day was like that, and  that was a learning experience-- I feel better now about this doc. She was awesome to work with after that rocky start: very patient, explaining things, reviewing what I'd said or done and then commenting. Thanked me for helping them several times, and ended up being someone I really respect. She is about my age, quite tall, has a commanding presence, brisk and decisive, and compassionate. She has no kids of her own by choice; gets very frustrated by the sheer amount of administrative work there is in the office, and has no problem speaking her mind. DrSS.

I had the chance to do another injection, but knowing it would have taken  valuable time to track down and wait for the supervising RN to come over, and have her watch me draw up two different injections and then watch me administer...well, I opted for expediency and just asked one of the other MAs to do this one, and of course she agreed.

I love my coworkers, I love the atmosphere. I'm so much happier here. Even one of my dear friends commented yesterday that I seem "lighter", and that I smile more. She then backtracked, and said hastily,"Not that you seemed sad or depressed before, but...there is  a noticeable difference..." I think she was worried about offending me, but far from it, I was interested to learn that was a visible change. Working with women, I hate to say it, but it does make a big difference; or, maybe it's working with these women, both staff and MDs. It's just...a happier fit. Fascinating field, and lots to learn. Interestingly, I also learned that of the 4 of us MAs, all of us have ended up with alcoholic backgrounds or domestic violence, in some cases both. They all know about AlAnon, and give the program a lot of credit for helping them. So, another way this is a good fit: we speak the same language, so to speak.

S is looking more closely at a position in Ireland, not leaning so much toward Australia. Ireland! I would have to figure out a way to visit...that's been a place I've long wanted to see.  Of course, I'm also entranced by Scotland, and Wales, and England. Someday.

My darling little granddaughter sent me a purple dragon made out of pottery which she chose for me when she and her mom visited a Renaissance fair two weeks ago. I just fell in love all over again. What a precious little elf she is.
My other little granddaughter's mom is about to have a second child any day now.
And my third little granddaughter is now 7 months old. They live in Fullerton, CA, and that's where the earthquake hit a few weeks ago. They're alright. Makes me a lot more anxious to consider visiting them in September. I might just chicken out. Not only due to the earthquake, but because of the driving aspect; not sure I'm up for driving in a strange city all alone. If I could fly down, and then have them pick me up, and then also be my "taxi" while I'm there, yes, I'd do it. We'll see.

Need to get started on the day. Maybe a drive to the coast, even.

Sunday

The concert last Sunday night turned out to be a turning point. We first went to J's daughter's apartment to check it out. She's been living there a few months and is thoroughly at home. Then the three of us walked the two blocks to the venue. We discovered that it didnt matter that we had bought the higher priced tickets: everyone in line was told to just find a seat anywhere. Grrr. So we did, and saved three other seats at a table for V's boyfriend, and a couple of female friends of mine who were also attending. They arrived minutes before the band set up, and my energy level just picked right up. We had a blast. J and his daughter danced almost the whole time, despite his being just 10 weeks out from knee replacement surgery. My friends are huge fans too, and this was also their first time seeing him live. We loved it. Great show. So glad I did go.

That said, I was ready to leave by 9:30, and so we did. I went to work the next morning. I have been at work all week, not feeling any bit better. I get through each day, and have horrible coughing fits, but I'm taking all my meds and at least I'm not contagious.

Poor S has had the wind completely knocked out of her sails. After months of looking forward to seeing this young man she has been interested in for years, at the last minute he decided not to go to Sacramento after all  (she was planning to drive down and meet up with him there for a few days);  instead he drove right up to Eugene where his dad lives. His dad is a dear friend of mine. This young man's been talking with S for months, and despite a checkered history between them, he did seem genuinely ready for a relationship this time; at least that what S thought.

She drove down to see him the very first night, and didn't come home.... The next day she drove back up here and went onto work right away. I didn't see her til that night, and it all came out. He basically had his way with her, and then ...nothing. Hasn't spoken to her since. No calls, no attempts to see her. In fact, at one point she was texting him asking kind of forlornly what was going on with him, and he responded, "What's your problem?"

Well, that got her attention. She hasn't spoken to him since, and in talking it over and over and over, it sounds completely bizarre. From what she has said, he has been a huge jerk, putting it politely. I have no explanations, and she certainly doesn't. This young man has been through a very rough life. Most recently  his (second) wife committed suicide last fall after they'd been married just a few months. I'm sure he is still grieving, and with everything else he's dealt with, he clearly is not ready for a healthy relationship. I don't blame him at all for not being ready, but I do blame him for being so dishonest and such a user. There was no need to treat her like that.

What concerns me is my daughter. She is just reeling. Heartbreak is devastating when ever it happens. All I can do is try to be there, offer words of reassurance that it wasn't her fault, he was a jerk, definitely didn't deserve her, other fish in the sea, don't give up, you're an amazing young woman, and this clearly wasn't meant to be. All the cliches one usually says to a person experiencing heartbreak, all the things which one hopes are helping but who knows if they are.

She had been halfway planning on moving down to wherever he was, and had been job-searching there. Now, of course, all those plans are off. Now she has to re-think. I believe she is considering being a nanny again, this time overseas. I'm again having mixed emotions about this. I want her to feel free to go wherever, do whatever, travel, experience all she can. But she will be so far away... Yeah, I get it, that's the point of successfully raising kids, that they can be self-supporting and follow their own dreams.  It's just hard.

I've often wondered why we weren't the kind of family where all the kids grew up and lived close by, eventually raising their kids nearby too. Cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents all involved in the families. It's just odd. I puzzle over what goes into creating that kind of environment. I guess there's no guarantee of closeness even if you do all live nearby, but it makes that far more likely.

Anyway, I am curious to see what happens next for my daughter. My sons currently being in Dallas, not having seen them for years, that really hurts my heart at times. Other times I'm so grateful they aren't anywhere near! But that's due to the alcoholism. If, if, if. Hate that word sometimes.


Well, the rain/mist/showers have lifted. Must attempt a walk today. Outdoor thermometer reads 60, which I find hard to believe. But I do see blue skies among the clouds. Spring is coming closer.