Sunday

 Another Sunday. It's a beautifully sunny but cool day. Sun makes so much of a difference. It feels cold, but in the sun it's bearable.

Which is why I spent yesterday after the meeting working in the back yard.  (I walked Missy first of course.)  Seeing all the overgrowth and weeds sprouting at top speed and leaning into the yard creating so much shade and overtaking the brick borders was making me crazy. So I got my gloves and the clippers from the shed, and went to work. (The rat is still in there but although I heard him/it, I didn't see it.)

Almost two hours later 90% is done. I just had to stop finally because of my back, but I left everything on the ground. 

I remember with so much love and gratitude that I could do this whenever I wanted, and J would happily clean up after me, with never a complaint or grumble. I miss him so much.  Obviously not just for that--  but I appreciated his always cheerful and patient willingness.

So. Tears.  

I still have some more pruning to do, and some weeding, and then re-setting the edging bricks. I'm hoping Bro will bring his leaf blower next time, because the whole lawn, both sides, is covered with dead dry brown leaves.  

I'm about 1/3 done with yanking out the petunias in the front.  Not sure how to keep them from growing back.

Afterwards I came in and showered, and made some lunch from leftovers, and then I sat down with my feet up. I got my embroidery out and watched the second of the LOTR series. Such a treat. Four hours later my mind was clear.

Yet I had a lot of trouble sleeping this week. Leg cramps were persistent, every night, despite not eating chocolate, so maybe that is not the cause.

 I ordered something OTC to put under my tongue when the cramps hit, and have tried that the past three nights. The cramps still hit me, but I pop those pills and within 2-5 minutes,  I am okay, with no soreness afterwards. Is this a placebo?? I don't care-- I'm getting relief, and it's not expensive.

Last Monday, Inauguration Day, I deliberately did not watch any commercial TV.  I watched a couple of Westerns, and then I watched an amazing movie called The Father, with Anthony Hopkins. It was riveting. I can't imagine how I missed it when it was released a few years ago. Totally worth watching.

Tuesday I don't think I did anything unusual, just house cleaning, laundry, trying to keep warm, avoiding commercial TV. 

It's been so cold this week. Even with the house temp set at 72 or 73 it helps but I can't say I'm "warm and cozy". I need to force myself to go out and take Missy for her walk; she wears her little blue windbreaker and I wear my big puffy coat and gloves.

Same for Wednesday. MissS and Kit came over after work. MissS finished assembling the new desk file folder for me which I'm trying to use to get better organized. Kit meanwhile cooked a yummy dinner for us-- tasty chicken breasts, and broccoli.  SO nice to eat food someone else prepares!

Thursday was another inside day after the walk. Movies and paperwork and embroidery. I refilled the bird feeders front and back, and swept off the front porch.

Friday was yet another cold day. It's been 18 weeks. I took some time to sit with that.

Then I sat down with a "workbook" MissS gave me for Mother's Day, which has questions on everything one could imagine about one's mother: I did a significant amount of thinking and remembering as I worked.

I also worked on my desktop, decided I needed some  particular papers for my upcoming PCP appt and searched for those.  Also trying to think of which questions I have for my doc on Monday.

After Saturday's meeting, I spoke with my friend K who had given me the cash. I learned he is going tomorrow to the Yucatan Peninsula on a cruise with his partner, and then leaving on another cruise right after that one, alone, to London, to see some plays. That whole sentence just boggles the mind, to even think of. Wow.

Needless to say he won't be there for a few weeks. I wished him well, and am so envious at the same time. What an adventure!  ( I am a complex mix of being a Hobbit/homebody, and also thrilling to the idea of an adventure like that. I seriously don't think I could ever travel alone...but the idea of it is just so tempting.)

So tomorrow, Monday I see my doc. I am quite concerned about the cholesterol level, and wondering if I'll be put on a statin. Also the osteoporosis in my right hip. These are my two concerns. A minor concern is the headache I wake up with every morning.

Tuesday I am going with three other AlAnon friends to hear our friend's Story up in Flagler. It's my first outing with a group of other AlAnons since moving here. Neither J or I liked driving at night and therefore we did not do the social stuff. I'm really looking forward to it, especially since I'm not driving.

Wednesday is a dinner with sibs and Dad at a restaurant. Really looking forward to that too. 

I look at my running list of chores or projects, the ones I decide to do every morning and I am amazed at what I've accomplished. Myself. Stupid little things like tightening a screw on the cabinet which has been bugging me for weeks. Or re-arranging various areas to try out different ways of doing things. 

That is one major thing I've learned in AlAnon years ago: if something is bugging you, first write it down, write all of the things. Then study number 1, say. What can I do to change, modify, whatever is bugging me? Or actually, is there anything I can do to make it work? 

If there's nothing I can physically do, then I have to meditate/pray about it, and then let it go.  If there's something I can do, do it, try it. If it doesn't work, I can change it again; nothing has to be permanent. 

It seems so obvious now, but before I learned this, I thought I was stuck, that I just had to live with the thing that was bugging me. After a while, there were multiple things that bugged me, that I thought I had to live with, frustrating me on a daily basis. When they build up, it's crazy-making. Not a good way to live.

After complaining and venting to my Sponsor years ago, she was the one who suggested I try such-and-such instead.  I remember looking at her in shock, and asking Can I really do that? Do I have the right to do that? And she gently said, Of course you do! It's your house too, right?

It was like a light bulb brightening my world. I do have choices, I do have a right to make my life happier. In fact, no one else is going to do that. It's was completely up to me. 

It was frightening, and exhilarating at the same time. It still is. 

TYG.

Sunday

Been a long week.

 Sunday afternoon Sis and BIL and Dad came over to  socialize while BIL fixed the toilet stopping it from rocking, and then took the hoses for the pool, and the crawler thing out of the pool; he'll take those and repair them. MissS didn't come over after all, due to still recovering.

Monday morning I got up early and was out the door to the lab by 8:30. I waited for a while there, but not too long. I stopped off at UPS on the way home, and then came home. Later that day I decided to text Gabby to invite her here for a few days sometime soon. I also sent a text to Alyssa, and offered a few hundred dollars towards the cost of a plane ticket. Gabby sounds very excited, and they will get back to me.

Tuesday I had lunch with my RN formerCoworkerJ; she came and picked me up, and I gave her the tour of the house. Then we headed for the Cracked Egg, and sat and talked for 90 minutes, catching up. It was great to see her. We agreed not to let 3 more years pass by before the next lunch.

Wednesday I bit the bullet and called SS office to check on the status of the possibility of getting J's last check re-deposited. I was told the decision making process takes 3-4 months, although the person I spoke to right away said it looked to her like I should be entitled to be getting it. So I am to call in two more weeks, since that will be the end of the 4 month period, if I haven't heard anything by then.

I also wrote my cousin Marc, and my dear friend Jennifer  (one of three dear friends named Jennifer-- this one is in Oregon), and worked on bills.

Thursday I had more energy, more oomph: I hooked up a light in the cat corner, cleaned the wax off the carpet, and ironed my embroideries. I picked up my groceries at WM by 2pm, and dropped off stuff at the thrift shop, and picked up another rx.  Later I went through more papers and shredded an entire bag, ready for the recycling pick-up.

Friday on my walk with Missy, I met the neighbor at address #1136 on the next street over; she is the one who's received my Chewy order once, and I received her Chewy order another time.  She very nicely brought my order over and left me a nice note, and when it happened to me, I did the same. Her dog's name is Riley, and her name is Krista. It was nice to put a face to a name; I walk by her house several times each week. 

Just as we were only two houses from home, the neighbor's dog (also named Riley, oddly) decided to rush toward Missy, ignoring his owner's increasingly frantic and angry calls to "Come here, come HERE!"  Missy was terrified, hiding behind my leg as I tried to protect her. I was very nervous that dog might attack. But the neighbor was clearly extremely apologetic and got a hold of that dog, pulling him away, apologizing to me. 

And just at that moment MissS drove by, slowing down, asking if we were okay. Perfect timing. 

Back inside I got a chicken ready for the crockpot, and MissS and I made a tuna-and-white-bean  cheese  melt. I loved it, but I'm not sure MissS did. We watched TV, and talked, and did embroidery, and caught up.  The chicken was only supposed to take 3-4 hours, but actually it ended up taking almost 6. I think I might have too-old crock pot. The chicken did taste yummy though, and I'll do it again that way another time.

Saturday my meeting was wonderful as always. So much support. Afterwards I spent an hour and a half clipping the petunias around the mail box; I'm still not even halfway done, but it already looks better. It was perfect weather to work outside. Unfortunately I  must have tweaked something in my back during this process, because I am having a lot of pain today.

I watched a couple of movies sitting with the heating pad, and then BIL came over to install a new crawler for the bottom of the pool. He explained a lot about the pool's operations too, and each time I learn more. The new crawler works perfectly. 

We also dumped more chlorine tabs in the  pool. Next he repaired the screen door, which had come off its track; and then he also checked the fireplace to see if the flue is open or shut. I don't remember which it is now, but the chain broke off. So he will be figuring out how to repair that.

And finally, he told me he'd found two rifles in a long case in the shed! I had no idea they were there; I don't remember J telling me he'd put them there, and was just shocked.  He took them home with him to store them in his gun safe, but this afternoon I learned Kit has been interested in getting a gun for home protection. MissS seems okay with this, so at some point BIL will choose one of those and get it to Kit.  How weird is this. I am just so puzzled.

MissS came over today as I was making cookies, and in the middle of a tremendous rain storm. It was thundering, and pouring, and so windy that one of the neighbors' recycle bins blew its contents all over several lawns near by, including mine. And Chris' portable carport was blown over and crushed, after he just replaced it from when Hurricane Milton ruined his first one. That poor guy. 

This evening I am going to watch some TV, and hopefully get more sleep than last night. I was awakened multiple times during the night with the damn leg cramps, and each time it just hurts like someone is wringing my leg. Agonizing. 

Tomorrow is the Inauguration of 45, again. I'm definitely not watching. I can barely stand to see his face, or hear his voice. The next 4 years are going to be rough.

Still, I'm glad to be alive. Glad for my friends and family. 

TYG

 

 

Sunday

 Sunday morning, and  Sis and BIL are coming over later to look at the pool hose thing, and maybe even the toilet which rocks. That will be so nice.

My new bed is heaven. I am so comfortable in it, and it is so nice to just slide in, rather than climbing in. Missy still will not jump up onto the mattress, but I can see she is right on the verge of learning it. With a little encouragement I think she can get it. Jumping down and off is easy.  

The cats (except Willow) and Missy all sleep on the bed every night with me. It has been so cold this past week. It makes it hard for me to change positions, because I don't want to disturb any sleeping bodies, but we manage. 

The worst is when the leg cramps hit me, and I have to move fast to get out of bed. That has happened every night this week. I wonder if it's connected to the Russell Stover chocolates I've been sampling. Hmm.

Monday MissS and I went to Michael's, and then to Joanne for crafting supplies, and Publix before settling in for the afternoon doing the embroidery.   MissS had UTI symptoms so she started an antibiotic that day. She also had such severe cramping later  that she called me, but later decided it was just a "normal" cramp.

Tuesday was a busy day: Sis came to take me to the surgeon's appt; everything was good there. I'll have a repeat mammo in June on the left side only, and assuming all is good, the annual bilateral mammograms in December. 

She also brought me my Christmas present. I've never seen anything like it: it's a flat black piece of steel or metal, cut in the shape of a dragon with its wings and tail up, for balance. It sits on the corner of my kitchen door frame, monitoring who comes in and out. It is so cool-- and I love it. So unusual.

Later I drove to my appt in PO with the  pulmonologist. I was worried that he would put me back on antibiotics, and I am not sure why I was worried. It actually felt like a relief to be told that.  They had to be special ordered, and therefore I didn't get to start them until Wednesday night, after dinner.

Because actually  Wednesday morning MissS went with Kit to the ER in severe pain. I ended up joining them, and we sat in the waiting room for awhile, before we got called back. She has a kidney stone, and at the time they thought a UTI and/or kidney infection, so she was started on antibiotics, pain meds, and a med to enlarge the tubes so the stone could hopefully move more easily; a CT scan confirmed a 2mm kidney stone just at the juncture of the bladder and the... tube leading to it. (Can't remember the name.)  

Anyway this all took a few hours.   She was offered the chance to stay overnight so her pain could be more easily monitored but refused. (In retrospect, she should have stayed, as she ended up returning the next evening having been unable to tolerate the meds due to nausea. Ugh.) On my way home I stopped and got my new antibiotics.

Later, Bro and SIL came and picked me up to join them and Dad for dinner at the Club. It was a very nice evening, and  so nice to see everyone again, discuss politics, eat delicious food, etc.  I'd brought Missy, and left her with Auntie/Sis for puppy-sitting. Later we learned it hadn't been as successful as the previous time; for some reason she couldn't settle down.  Back at home she was fine-- drank a ton of water and then collapsed into her little bed.

Thursday morning I took Missy for a walk in the very cold morning, wearing my winter coat even.  I decided to tackle cleaning out the fireplace when I got home. I'd been dreading it, but again, it wasn't as bad as I'd thought. It looks a whole lot better now. I spread the ashes in the front garden around the flamingos. Then I just relaxed and drank my tea and did embroidery. I had also been texting with my former co-worker NurseJ, and she and I made plans to have lunch Tuesday.

Meanwhile MissS and Kit  had been dealing with her intermittently severe pain, nausea, and inability to manage the meds. They went back to the ER Thursday night where she was admitted for pain management, in extreme pain. 

Friday morning after walking Missy, and after my "bug guys"  came and re-sprayed and swept for spider webs outside, I went back to the hospital.  I was there when the hospitalist Dr Schwartz and the med student David stopped in to see what was going on with her.  

They ended up requesting the urologist Dr Green to come and see her; he showed up fairly quickly. Although she was still having a lot of pain, surgery was not an option because her stone was "only" 2mm. Surgery isn't done there unless it's 4mm or above. So she just had to push fluids and strain the urine, watching for the stone. And wait.

Because of her discomfort her pain meds were changed and an anti-anxiety med was added. Both of those changes made a big difference. Still she ended up staying overnight. 

My meeting Saturday morning was fabulous. I got a lot of support, and comfort. 

It's been 4 months since Jeremiah died.  I still feel as though he has just stepped out to do an errand, and that he'll be back soon. When I catch myself thinking that, I have to mentally kick myself; he is never coming back. I have a lot of trouble with that concept. It still does not feel real.

I am fully aware that he is gone.  I think. I have his ashes, and photos, and most of his clothes and personal belongings have gone to his kids. I've kept the ones that meant the most to me, and I talk to him a lot. I also talk to the cats and Missy. 

I find foods in the freezer that I made and he labeled and we stuck in there for the future. I have his daily notebook that he wrote notes to himself in, for reference. 

I got a notice Thursday from our house insurance agent telling me Citizens has renewed our insurance, and realized that I had forgotten to notify him J was gone. I did so Friday morning, and asked if there was anything else I needed to do. He wrote back  expressing his deepest condolences, telling me he always loved talking to J. 

And yes, I need to send him a copy of the death certificate. I only have one left, so he said I could fax it or email it. I ended up going to UPS  and faxing it directly.

Saturday after the meeting I stopped by Ace Hardware and found the birdseed I usually get was on a big sale so I carried two big 20lb bags to the car.  Then I went to the hospital and Kit arrived literally just after I did, so we walked down the hallway together. She was snoozing but happy to see us, back on food, feeling pretty much pain-free.

Shortly after we arrived DrSchwartz came by again and approved her discharge.  And basically 30 minutes later we were all walking out the door.  She seemed to be feeling pretty good.

And two hours later she was crying again. Pain and nausea, and wanting to go back to the ER. This time I suggested she contact the 24-hour RN line run by our insurance. I'm not sure if she ever did that, but  the next time I heard from her the pain med and the anti-anxiety med had kicked in and she was feeling better again; they decided not to go back to the ER.

So I spent the afternoon watching a Western with Gary Cooper while I did my grooming of Missy. She appreciated the attention. And she looks less fluffy. 

Jeez. I feel like this week flew by.  So much emotion! 

This coming week I get to do fasting labs Monday, lunch with RN on Tuesday, and  that's about it. Depending on the weather, I want to clear out all the Mexican petunias by the mail box, and do some trimming of the jungle growth in the back yard.

I'm tired emotionally and physically. I think I forgot my antibiotic last night. Damn it. 

Okay, must try for a walk with the dog. At least it's sunny outside, if cold.

Oh, and today would have been the 18th anniversary of J and my's meeting at the bookstore, after corresponding by email for a month or so. Who would have thought coffee with a blind date could change someone's life so much. 

TYG

Sunday

 It's a Sunday again, very cold, but sunny and blue skies. Just got back from a walk with Missy around the block. I have done that every day except one this past week. I'm proud of myself for that.

I can't seem to shake this lung thing, whatever it is. I feel weaker, exhausted, and can't sleep, therefore am taking naps during the day which I hate but I just cannot stay awake. It worries me.

Monday I took down all the Christmas stuff, and cleaned up-- I love the feeling of stuff all put away and the feeling of the rooms being larger and feeling lighter. 

Tuesday, New Year's Eve,  I had my every-other-year bone scan; simple and quick. At home I watched the first Hobbit movie, the extended version.  So emotional; haven't seen it in too long, several years at least.  

And then Wednesday was NY's Day; I watched the following two Hobbit movies in the series. The line Tauriel cries, "why does it hurt so much??", and Lee Pace as Thranduil responding gently, "Because it was real...", well, that killed me. 

Thursday morning I had had it with my hair dilemma. All this useless agonizing I was obsessing about, over whether I should or shouldn't grow it out, well, I was sick of it. I did a couple of errands, and then drove to GC, and fortunately got a woman named Christine. I showed her the two photos I'd brought for reference, and she immediately said, Oh! you want the classic shag. 

Oh!  Well, if that's the name, yes.   And that's what I got. Phew.

*****************

Well, I'd updated this but it didn't save!  Arghh! 

Okay, I'll try one more time. 

Friday Sis came and got me. We did some shopping at Target, and then had lunch at the Dancing Avocado. We enjoyed ourselves a lot,  even though I kept crying. Seems like the littlest things trigger me. It's been 15 weeks, and I am still extremely tearful. Fortunately I have a very patient sister, and she doesn't mind listening to me. 

I don't remember what else I did that day, but it's been a quiet week. Going through more papers, deciding what can be shredded and what needs to be kept.  

Funny, when I went through all of Mom's papers, I had no problem deciding what was necessary to keep. With J's stuff, or our joint things, I just don't know. If in doubt I keep it; at some point Sis and MissS will have to deal with it all anyway... better to have too much paperwork than too little.

Saturday morning was the meeting, and my sweet friends there are just so important. I am so damn grateful to them.

I went home afterwards, exhausted. I haven't slept well all week, and I ended up taking a nap in the afternoon. Also Saturday afternoon the new bed frame was delivered! Only one box, but it was about five feet long and incredibly heavy.  I tried lifting it inside but could not; I ended up calling my wonderful brother, who came right over and got it safely inside. 

Sunday, today, MissS arrived ready to work: I'd asked her to put the new bed together for me and dismantle the sleigh bed, so she was prepared. "We" spent the afternoon doing just that. Dismantling and carrying the old bed out to the curb took less than 45 minutes.  Heavy yes, but fairly simple to figure out.

Assembling the new bed was much longer. MissS did 98% of the work, with me handing her things, or opening a window to get some fresh air, or taking out the trashed container and plastic. It was extremely well packaged, and we are both impressed.  

I absolutely LOVE the new bed frame, a "platform bed", with a white velvet headboard and side rails,  sturdily made, and much lower than the old sleigh bed. (I kept my mattress and the gel topper, as I love my mattress so much.) I'm looking forward to trying it tonight.

Afterwards she even made dinner for us!  We watched the newest  Outlander episode, and now are left gnawing our nails as we wait for the final episode in this season (already!) which is two weeks from now. 

Tomorrow she and I will go to Michael's for some craft supplies. She might be lucky enough to find a new handbag for daily use, too. We have a ton of outlet stores here.

Tuesday I see my breast cancer surgeon in the early afternoon  for a yearly exam, and my pulmonologist in the later afternoon. I'm worried I will need more antibiotics, but  I also know I need a new nebulizer machine, as mine is beginning to fail. That machine has been so helpful during this lung thing.

 Not too much else to report. I'm fighting sadness, grief, depression, lethargy. My big motivation these days is Missy, and the kitties. I know how much they all need me. It was Missy's "gotcha day" on Friday: ten years ago we got her from Craig and Toni. She was and remains so much smaller than the other Havanese we've dealt with, but that's actually fine with me.  She's very dear to me.

And the cats make me smile more than anything else. I interact a lot with each one. The tuxedo boys will be four this month, and Willow will be five--six??-- in April.  So happy with my little furry family.

Nine thirty already. I'm beat. 

TYG