Sunday

 J, at just past 10am today, has already made our breakfasts, emptied the dishwasher, been out to the stores for a brief shopping trip, fueled the car (which didn't need it, but when they say fill your tanks, J fills the tanks!), and filled two gas cans with fuel for the generator, in case we need it. 

In case no one knows (ha!), we are expecting a hurricane, maybe. The projections are so... umm... fluid, and changing drastically or a little bit each day, sometimes multiple times in a day. No one knows, of course, when or if it will happen, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. J is a major prepper.

If Bro hadn't softly and gently suggested we didn't need to board up the windows quite yet, J was planning on doing that. Yesterday he was all set to go to the storage unit and drag all that wood home. Fortunately by the time the afternoon came and his chess game with Dad was over, I was napping, so he decided to take a nap too....and when he woke up it was too late in the day for that big project. Phew.  (Thank you, Bro!!)

By then the projected pass through our area was looking like Thursday and just like a regular big storm, not a hurricane. We'll see. But we are ready, because of J. Now he is exhausted again, but looking for more projects!  (It's almost 11 now, and he's gone to take a short nap before the family Zoom call at 11:30.)

The Meeting yesterday was awesome, as usual. There was socializing ahead of the meeting, and afterwards. I didn't share, but this helped me a lot with thoughts around my son. (More on that  later.) Then J and I stopped off at OfficeDepot to return the 4 ink cartridges we bought the day before; these cost $130 including tax. I about fell over when J came back to the car with the cartridges and told me the price. 

So.  We decided to just buy a new printer instead, with the ability to scan. The one we've been using was gifted to us by BIL when we first moved here, and it was a big old heavy office copier he'd been using after his work gave it to him. So, who knows how old it is. Anyway, we can't get the scan function to work, and J needs this for one of his projects. 

A new HP printer cost us $84. Which does the whole shebang--copy, print, and scan. With all the bells and whistles, and a six month supply of ink free. What a deal!

So that should be arriving today or tomorrow. 

This week was fairly quiet for us. J mainly rested, in between doing various household things. I did too. Although I did try new recipes for dinner on two nights. Last night's recipe was a veggie burrito recipe mom gave me years and years ago, which I had never tried.  It turned out amazingly well. I will definitely make it again. 

The back problem is flaring up more, recently, maybe due to how long I stand for any given period of time. If I stand longer, like for cooking, or preparing foods, J is delighted to bring me my heating pad, and tramadol, which help so much. Although he scolds me for attempting to do these things if my back is hurting so much. I see his point, but I've always just taken a medication and charged on with what I had to do. It's hard to just say, OK, I hurt, I'm done. I always feel it--whatever "it" is-- wouldn't get done if I just gave in and stopped moving. 

Yesterday was the first day all week it was warm enough to get in in the pool. I'd checked it that noon discovering it was  again and still 84 degrees.  J adjusted the solar panels machinery, and three hours later it was 86, definitely warm enough to get in. It was heavenly. Especially because we had done some long overdue yard work/weeding/mowing since it wasn't really humid yesterday.  Letting my body hang in the deep end, while I'm dangling from a noodle really does help my back so much, in addition to the stretching videos I'm doing.

This week I also learned from my ENT doc that what this voice of mine does--making me sound like Mickey Mouse--is because my vocal cords are "bowing". Apparently normal vocal cords are vertical and very close together when speaking. Mine are looking bow-legged, which causes the squeaking and hoarseness.  And interestingly enough, this is common in  people who are dealing with a chronic infection of any kind. Mine is in my lungs of course, but she said this should clear up after I've recovered from the infection and stopped the meds.  I don't need to go back and see her unless this doesn't recover when I do.

What. A. Relief. I hadn't realized how worried I was until I heard those words. The dizziness and unsteadiness are also caused by the infection.  Which means....I will probably continue on these meds for quite some time.  I remember my pulmonologist saying "one to two years of treatment", but in my head I was hearing "one year of treatment"; I expected it to heal quicker. And it isn't.

Sis stopped by Thursday afternoon after we'd gotten home from the ENT appt. She caught us up on what's going on at her school, and that's  always fascinating in a  "I'm glad *you* are dealing with this, because I do not know what I would do!" way.  I'm very glad to not be involved with office politics anymore; sometimes I do miss the socializing, and the friendships I did develop, the mostly wonderful people I did work with through my whole life,  but I am also very grateful to be out of that world.    That doesn't mean it isn't interesting to hear about others' office worlds. It always is. 

And it also reminds me that I am aging. I look at all the college graduates at age 21 or 22, and I thank God I am not that age anymore. That was 45 years ago, and I have earned my rest.

I can't segue gracefully into this next topic, but it has to do with my sonJ.  I've been seeing on his Facebook when he does post that mainly his frame of mind is positive--as long as there is alcohol or weed. That's disturbing to me to read, but I try to mind my own business. His life is not my  problem.

Except when he posted very early Thursday morning that he'd been in the ER since Wednesday afternoon with  a lot of abdominal pain. After testing and labs, it was determined to be yes, appendicitis, which was probably triggered by the assault he suffered 10 days before.  So at 1 am he had emergency surgery.  He was expected to work those days but had called in, and talked to his boss, thankfully. 

By the time I saw this posting, I was utterly shocked, and tried calling him. No way to leave a message, as he has no voice mail set up. So I messaged him on Fb and asked him to call me, telling him how worried I was. Fortunately he was awake, and called me right back, a video call, so I could actually see him. We had a good talk.  

I was shocked that he hadn't reapplied for his insurance yet, and also still has no primary care physician--so he has no follow up scheduled with any doctor. I don't know why I'm shocked.

Two days later he was on Fb reporting more pain, and then disappearing. So I haven't talked to him yet, but he was expected to be released Saturday-- which was the good news-- but also he was expected to work that day. How can someone who's just had major surgery go to work two days later?? I don't know. And if I allowed myself to, I could easily become frantic with concern.  

So, I'm still struggling with what I am "supposed" to do, as a mom, living completely across the country.  He's 36 now. After I forced him to admit   discussed with him   reminded him of the importance of getting that insurance again and finding a primary caregiver, and expressed my sorrow and sympathy over what had happened, what else can I do?  SonJ said, "Well, you're all the way in Florida; there's nothing you can do."

Ouch. And yet,  he is right. I need to let it go, remind myself he has a Higher Power, and  his own journey in life. He also has a disease called alcoholism, and I am not responsible for that. Argghh.

Okay. 

Nothing in the upcoming week to do, no plans. 

MissS will be over later and I need to go do my stretching before she gets here.

TYG

Sunday

 Morning. In which J has just gone to take a nap. He feels so embarrassed and guilty, like he is "failing", his words. But I certainly am not judging him, and totally understand the deep fatigue that comes over you. 

I never had this kind of fatigue before I got sick, and no matter how many times I try to reassure him that I get it and it doesn't matter, he still is sad about it. Honestly I don't know if this is part of him aging, or if it's part of his pancreatitis.  In any case, it still doesn't matter: he has to take care of himself and do what his body is saying. Right now that means a nap--even if it is 10 in the morning.

Recently when he's done this, he wakes up feeling much more energetic, and able to do some work around the house. Both of us feel we are pushing ourselves, to lift the burden from the other, and to "earn our keep". It's odd. There's no logic to it at all. 

I'm slowly shifting to a mind-set of "go with the flow", rather than being determined to do everything I plan to do. And again, it is a slow process, to change a lifelong pattern. I feel like I'm being lazy, but J is always horrified that I think that, and reminds me I am healing still. He's certainly not judgmental, but doesn't always see that I am not judgmental of him either. We both accept what the other can do on any given day, and allow ourselves to do less if we have to.   Fortunately there is no pressure to get anything done. 

Yesterday we went to the Meeting, and I was the Secretary for the first official time; I've filled in occasionally but now it's "my job". I learned about the building's operation, lights, AC, fans, kitchen upkeep, etc. Oh, and the door locks. 

After that we raced to Walmart intending to pick up his rx and some salad kits, but instead we remembered birdseed and in the confusion we completely forgot to get the rx. Back in the car I was heading to Ace Hardware for the replacement car key, but J reminded me he had a game with Dad at 12:30, so we went home instead. Monday we can get the key, and his rx. 

I'm debating on sharing this next, but it did happen, and while it may be TMI, it's part of our lives now. J had gone to Walmart on Friday morning too, for some groceries to hold us over til payday. While inside the store, he felt the extremely urgent need for the restroom, and headed toward what he thought was the back of the store. But he had been turned around, and in his panic to reach the restroom and not have an accident, he did  have an accident. Fortunately he had  managed to get into a stall, but he couldn't wear his underclothes anymore and just threw them away.

Then he walked outside to the car, and discovered his keys were gone. He has no idea what happened to them. He went back into the store and retraced his steps, going so far as to check the trash can in the restroom. No luck. The keys are gone. The good news is he was only carrying a house key and the car key. There was no identifying info on the key ring, so that's  okay.

He then went outside and called me, explaining with great shame and embarrassment what had happened, asking me to call Chris (our neighbor) to come and bring him my set of keys, and a change of clothes. Of course I did, despite my fear of marching across the street and trying to explain this to Chris tactfully, while asking a favor. Yikes.

 Chris was completely understanding, and gracious, and delighted to help; he immediately took the keys, and after unhitching the trailer on his work truck he took off.  I was so grateful, and called J, to let him know. Meanwhile J had texted Chris to let him know where he'd be waiting.  Twenty minutes later Chris was back, walking across the street bringing me the two bags of groceries! What a nice guy he is. I felt like hugging him. But I didn't quite dare, as I don't know his vaccine status.  (What a time we live in, that we have to consider things like that.)

 J had gone back into the store's restroom, changed into clean clothes, cleaned up as best he could, then went to the customer service area to report his lost keys. Being a Friday morning, it was very busy, so everything took forever, but here it is Sunday and no one has turned in any keys. Which means another replacement key. Fortunately I don't think it's the main key with the electronics inside, so it shouldn't be that expensive. 

Which made it more spooky when I found a set of keys on the church's lawn, Saturday after the meeting as we were all leaving. The keys had an NA tag on it, so one member decided to ask the NA group (which was meeting in another part of the church) about the keys. Meanwhile we couldn't decide where to leave them, in case someone came back for them. They couldn't get far without them, so we thought.  As we were debating this, a car rolled up and a woman jumped out asking if we'd found any keys!  She had one of the newer cars with the ability to start the car without keys. Anyway, it all worked out. She was extremely grateful, needless to say. This really reminds me how nice it is to help people. 

In other news, J did finish the cabinets!  It looks so much nicer, so much more subtle, yet with that pop of pink on the inside. The outsides look much more smooth and put-together. With the new cabinetry we are very pleased with how it came out. I can't believe it's finally all done. 

The only other activity this week was driving to Kohl's Tuesday to return some clothes and pick up an online order. On our way back we got gas, at $3. 38 a gallon. Cheapest we could find in the area. That was our big outing this past week. 

Every afternoon it was cloudy and threatening to rain, which it did almost every night, with  thunder and lightning. So I only made it into the pool once this week. J mowed the lawns and did the edging, coming inside afterwards totally soaked with sweat. Oh, and he pressure-washed the pool deck.  That's always a drenching project!

MissS came to dinner one night, and that is always fun; we'd hoped to get in the pool briefly. This is the time of year when those afternoon storms roll in, and we can't always count on good weather. But it does cool off a bit, and the noisy storms make it seem very comforting to be inside and dry.

And Saturday  afternoon we went to Sis and BIL's  for dinner, getting caught up after two weeks. MissS was there too, and there was lots of lively discussion, and "meeting" the feral kitties in her back yard. We'd hoped to go for a walk on the beach but due to the rain sprinkles we decided to pass. I had actually pulled a muscle in my leg, so while I was disappointed not to walk, I wouldn't have been able to go far. Still, that is a goal this week: see the sunset, and walk on the beach.

Okay, time to do my stretching. Then MissS will be over, and we'll have our usual relaxing Sunday. She's cooking tonight, which will be nice. Sometimes J and I get completely bored with our menus and our cooking, so this will be a real treat, just like last night was. 

TYG

Sunday

Sunday morning. A wonderful surprise just happened: the adult children (of our beloved neighbor Louise who died over two years ago)  stopped by to do more house cleaning, and brought us two giant plumeria branches; one is white and one is pink, I think she said. These are so long and fully grown that we can also cut two branches off the stalks and therefore have a total of 4 plumeria shrubs. They just need "sticking in the ground", and they will take root and grow. No problem. And they look amazing when blooming. So thoughtful of her! We'll plant these  along the property line dividing our properties. 

I had my pulmonology appt on Tuesday afternoon  and DrZ says I am coming along well, but that the bronchoscopy will give him more information on whether/ how long to continue the antibiotics. So it's now scheduled for Oct 13.   Seems a long way away, but I'm in no hurry.  

J's son Z started his hospital infusions this week.  They did a total of 9 infusions over 6 days. By that last day he was finally having some terrible side effects: apparently his skin was "purple", according to his mom. Also labs showed his liver was struggling to manage the potent chemicals, so maybe that would have caused the purple skin...anyway he is home now for two weeks to recover. Then he starts this again.

J is just so wrecked over this. He is so fragile in his emotional stability, and very tearful at the drop of a hat. He isn't sleeping well, and when he does, he has bad dreams.  He texts with Z daily, sending supportive messages, and waiting for Z's response.  He is alternately angry and sad and grieving and anxious over what is happening, based on the most recent information.

The family back there started a CaringBridge page for Z, which is updated often;  J reads these the minute they are published. (I remember doing this for mom when she was doing her cancer treatments, and it's hard to believe that was 10 years ago.)  We looked up the dr's name and info online, and found his web page and photo associated with his hospital where Z is. The doc even has a short video, so we got to hear his voice and how he speaks, which actually comforted J a lot; we can now picture the doc speaking with Z, and feel closer to the situation.

J is still struggling daily with whether and when to go back for a visit. I guess that will be determined at some point.

In the meantime, he has varying levels of energy to take care of projects, meal planning, errands, basically his Life. Some days he cannot bring himself to do anything physical, so projects sit, unfinished. The cabinets are still  being worked on. 

Now granted, he is also dealing with the varying energy levels due to the pancreatitis, so that is sometimes a major distraction/problem. Earlier this week we were both very tired, low energy, fatigue, whatever you call it; we didn't move much, and by we I mean he. On most of my days I'm not able to be terribly active anyway, but it's much more noticeable when he isn't. 

On Tuesday also, but in the morning,  we took both dogs to the vet. Missy had the problem with her ear, for which they tested the stuff they got out of her ear and determined which meds to use, which they administered right there. No pills or anything for us to do at home. She held up wonderfully and bravely. Murphy was there just for moral support.  She is 11 pounds, and healthy. It cost us $158 to get this exam and diagnosis and meds.

On Wednesday therefore J and I were both exhausted.  He slept a lot of the time, took a longer nap, and actually on a few days this week we couldn't get in the pool at all because of the thunderstorms and rain showing up just at our usual time to jump in. By the time the storms ended it was usually long after dinner, and just about dark.

My Sponsee and her husband signed the papers on their new home in Chicago. She is so relieved they finally have a place. It looks just beautiful, and I'm so happy for her. 

At AlAnon yesterday, I talked with the current Secretary and learned what is involved in that position . He wants to give up the position,  I volunteered, and so at the business meeting after the regular meeting I was officially voted in since no one else expressed any interest. The current Treasurer wants to give that up too, but no one so far has offered to do that one! I certainly won't, having already done it for three years. I've never done the Secretary position before, but it doesn't seem too time consuming, and I finally do have energy to consider this. Especially since I'm not working anymore. (And oh, how I love that!)

This coming Tuesday it'll be one whole year since I woke up so ill with the inability to get out of bed. I cannot believe it. So much has changed during that time. Not working, actually going on Disability, then retiring, and now recovering. It is such a slow process.

But I have been able to do so much, also, which I hadn't been able to get to for so many years. I love the free time, and the absolute lack of any pressure at all to do anything. I just get to focus on my own self, and determine what I want (or don't want!) to do. Nothing has to be done. What a gift this is. 

And J is the best partner on the planet. Despite his regrets and apologies for his own "failings" (as he sees it), he is just so easy to live with, and absolutely loves taking care of me. I am so spoiled, every single day.  I am so lucky: He is the best gift of my life (not including my children). 

Family is all around me, and I know I can count on any of them for any thing.  I count my blessings every day, and feel so humbled by the life I have now. 

TYG

 

Sunday

 A quick update since Sis is arriving shortly to orchestrate shaving the cat. In summer (of all times!) her fur just thickens tremendously, and she can't clean it well herself. Shaving her of most of her body fur really helps. It is stressful for us though!  We have to give her a sedative, and that does help both her and us. 

 

 

Both dogs need the vet on Tuesday: Missy for a suspected ear infection, and Murphy for a physical, routine, but  we haven't done this in several years.  I don't anticipate any problems, just his old age.

Last night's dinner at Bro and SIL's went wonderfully. Yummy food, good conversations (with several conversations going on at the same time) , and it felt relaxed and comfortable. 

Saturday's morning meeting went well, too. I felt happy over so many "little" things: the smiles a friend sent across the room as she waved, another member reminding me of an announcement I had to share, another one asking specifically about my own health/progress. A neighbor walking by with his dog, waving at me as I went out to water the front porch plants. 

Also finding everything we needed during a brief-as -possible run into Walmart. Almost no one wears a mask anymore here, including me, but I try to make these runs either an online order, or as quick as possible, staying 6 feet away. J wears his mask all the time.

Tuesday is my upcoming appt with DrZ, and he'd mentioned the need to schedule a bronchoscopy. That's no fun, and takes an entire day to recover from. But it is needed to evaluate the progress I've made. I've now been on the  antibiotics for a year, and anticipate being on them for several more months. Sigh.

J is making breakfast: scrapple with eggs and toast. It's a two or three times yearly treat for me to have scrapple. I learned more about how it's made during my current reading of Centennial, the book by James Michener. I've again finished watching the mini-series which was made in the late 70s, and just love it.  There is so much more detail in the book!

J worked on the lower cabinets daily this week. Today he will be affixing the new hinges and hardware. We cleaned out all the drawers, and he fixed holes or open seams in the drawers.  He's got three more cupboard doors to paint.

He also occupies himself with mowing the lawn, and cleaning the pool, semi-organizing the work room, cleaning out the cat boxes, and phone or Zoom calls to his family, or business calls. The two most expensive meds both arrived yesterday in the mail, having been shipped overnight.  Thank god. Although, since we are in the donut hole til the end of the year, these will be put on the credit card.   He is planning on finding out if there is a different Advantage plan which will cover his meds for a longer period of time.

My oldest granddaughter Gabby turns 15 today!  I simply cannot believe it. I've sent her some cash, and a recent embroidery I did of a butterfly, and an older needlepoint I did of a dragon. That one is unframed, and I challenged her to find the right setting for it. Or maybe a pillow?

Then on the 8th is my third granddaughter's 9th birthday. Her mom is 5 months along in her pregnancy, and shares photos on Instagram, which is how I see Layla also. They are in a traditional happy family: father, mother, Layla, a younger brother who I believe is 4, and now this new one. They are both teachers. Somehow they manage frequent visits to Disneyworld, so the kids are growing up knowing the layout very well, which is incomprehensible to me.

Had a great phone call with Dad last Monday: I keep telling myself to call him, and then I get sidetracked and before I know it the day is gone. But I finally did it. It's always a good call, so I don't know why I get so anxious on the phone. Lifelong anxiety issues.

Must run....TYG