Man, any time I feel like complaining about *my* life? I just read two of the blogs I follow, both are hospital based, both written by physicians, and I am left utterly speechless. How are people so ignorant? Or flat out stupid? I do believe addictions are at the root of many of the ER visits, and I know I should have more compassion---but honestly, I could not bear to work in an ER. People who do should be nominated for sainthood.
Okay, I spoke with mom last night--I'd managed to work most of all day outside, doing physical labor, and almost forgot that I was going to call. At 7, J reminded me it was time for Antiques Roadshow, and suddenly I thought, oh crap, I forgot to call... I couldn't stand to put it off another day and just dialed. She answered, sounding so frail, so weak and tired. I know the days following chemo are tougher, so part of me was expecting that. But she did sound glad I'd called, and we spoke for almost an hour. She was unable to get up to the barn again the day before, and so when a friend had stopped by, he offered to do that. She was too fatigued the next day, Sunday, but knew she absolutely had to. She was gearing up to when I called. By the end of the conversation she was deciding to drive up. I can't see how that is easier on her, but apparently it is.
We talked about the paintings in her house, and how frustrating it is to know they are worth something, but unable to have them officially appraised. Why is an appraisal so damned expensive? I totally agreed with her, and that's why we haven't done this either. I was really looking forward to AR visiting the town where I work; unfortunately we didn't win the tickets (they are determined by a lottery). We have a friend who owns an art gallery downtown and he is the one who gave us an insurance value of $500 for the Winifred Austen etching. I haven't gotten one bid, or anyone interested in it on ebay. And so, maybe it just depends on finding out who your potential buyer is-- and how do you do that? How do you trust anyone to give you an honest appraisal? It's an ongoing issue.
Anyway, mom is frustrated at her extreme fatigue. She mentioned that Lyn had left some dishes in the sink when she left Tuesday morning, and that she, mom, hadn't been able to find the strength to wash them until Friday night because she isn't able to stand that long; I didn't think to clarify whether that is because of the fatigue or the pain. In any case, she says the pain level is much better with wearing the two patches. She doesn't need to strictly rely on the pills this way, and is hoping for a stronger strength pain patch at tomorrow's chemo visit. Her exhaustion is such that a friend will drive her. And she isn't sure she will have the physical or mental resources to tackle another round of chemo if/when that is suggested. She sleeps a lot, and commented that she was marveling at her own bravery in tackling chemo by herself. Oddly, she said she did feel scared many times living alone up there and managing her life but that she never allowed herself to acknowledge it before. Now she *is* facing it, looking at it, and I pointed out *that* is the definition of courage: knowing something is scary or dangerous, and doing it anyway. I think she was glad to have that ...validation. (God bless it, how I hate that phrase!!!)
I can't remember what topic we were on, but I said something, and she said "I didn't realize you had that depth of understanding and compassion with dying people. " And later still, she said she hadn't shared with me some stuff because she didn't want to overwhelm or scare me. I said, "I'm tougher than I sound, so feel free--you've always underestimated me!" And she said, "You're right, but I've always known you and your sister were extraordinarily strong--I know you've both had to be." I wish I could remember how it came up, or what this was in regards to. I then added, "Maybe we've both underestimated each other in some ways." She liked that.
She had started out the talk commenting on a phone conversation with a friend, and then quickly asked what my day had been like. So I explained we were using the woodsplitter a good portion of the day, and then sorting and tossing the wood into piles, depending on whether it was oak or fir. (I am *so* sore this morning--my neck, my back, my head-- pathetic to think and accept that physical labor can take such a toll.) Then we worked in the yard doing pruning, and weeding, and started building the beginning of a container or some kind of fenced area for the chopped wood stacks.
I love doing this stuff--I love being outside, and modifying our growing things. The garden stuff is coming along nicely. I talked about how sweet it was to see one of the chickens, Ethel: she is always near us, watching intently to see what we are doing, and "inspect". She clucks softly, and doesn't seem at all nervous to be around us. The other two are just as friendly, but not really interested in what will happen; it's more like they are following Ethel. The secret is that Ethel knows there are worms to be dug up, and that J saves them for her...
Mom loves hearing about our life, and our chickens, and the fact that after so many years of *not* living like she does, here I am living a very similar life. Sigh.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday
Gastric emptying study: easy to do as far as being non-invasive. Difficult to do as far as having to lie still for an hour and 40 minutes, while laid out on a table similar to an MRI machine, with a scanner inches above your abdomen.
You have just eaten (with gloves) half an egg salad sandwich which is flavored with radiation, and a glass of water, while protected by a lovely paper apron/bib. The techs remove the apron and your paper plate while wearing their own rubber gloves, and then arrange you on the table. You are asked what kind of music you'd like to listen to, and told not to move. Your arms are straight down the side of your body, and your lower legs have a pillow arranged under them. This is supposed to release the pressure on your back. It didn't work, for me. I dozed a bit off and on, listening to classic rock. But after awhile the desire to move--my legs, my arms, and most of all my back-- was just overwhelming. It was so hard to just lie there. The more time went by, the more I wanted to move, especially my back; it was really hurting.
Meanwhile I'd woken this morning with an absolute killer headache, for which I immediately took a fiorecet. Tried to get back to sleep and couldn't, so got up at 6:30. J couldn't eat breakfast because of some fasting labs he was scheduled to have done at 11. But he made me an English muffin and a scrambled egg around 8am. Then we went to do our grocery shopping, completed it by 8:45 and were home unpacking by 9. Pouring rain, cold and windy. Headache not improved, so took another Fiorecet--that's unusual.
Drove to his doctor's, and discovered the appointment was actually for yesterday. Sigh. Had his coumadin level checked, and it was too high, so we waited while the covering doc talked with him about what dosing to do. Ran back out to the car in the rain, and the freakin Lincoln wouldn't start. There was no indication of what was wrong, and J was so frustrated, so helpless, and just so flummoxed. He called B who was also stunned, and stumped, suggested all the things J had tried to do already. Meanwhile it was getting closer to my appt time... and so J called a taxi, which delivered me to the hospital a half hour prior to my appt, at a cost of $15 to drive about 3 miles. Ugh.
Meanwhile J called B again, who drove over and took J home after locking up the Lincoln, and J raced to the hospital in time to say goodby to me as I headed in for my test. He went and got lunch in the cafeteria. Another $5. (My daughter had also called me, with a severe headache and pain in her abdomen, and when she called her doc they wanted to see her asap; meaning she had to cancel her plan to drive the car up here for B to fix the brakes. Poor kid...they say now this is a complication of the mono, because she tried to do too much before being healed enough properly. So she's on antibiotics and pain meds and rest. She *has* to be better soon-- we're driving up to Seattle next weekend!)
What a day. By the time we got home we were both feeling frazzled....
We just sat quietly, I read, he puttered. Tomorrow *has* to be better!
You have just eaten (with gloves) half an egg salad sandwich which is flavored with radiation, and a glass of water, while protected by a lovely paper apron/bib. The techs remove the apron and your paper plate while wearing their own rubber gloves, and then arrange you on the table. You are asked what kind of music you'd like to listen to, and told not to move. Your arms are straight down the side of your body, and your lower legs have a pillow arranged under them. This is supposed to release the pressure on your back. It didn't work, for me. I dozed a bit off and on, listening to classic rock. But after awhile the desire to move--my legs, my arms, and most of all my back-- was just overwhelming. It was so hard to just lie there. The more time went by, the more I wanted to move, especially my back; it was really hurting.
Meanwhile I'd woken this morning with an absolute killer headache, for which I immediately took a fiorecet. Tried to get back to sleep and couldn't, so got up at 6:30. J couldn't eat breakfast because of some fasting labs he was scheduled to have done at 11. But he made me an English muffin and a scrambled egg around 8am. Then we went to do our grocery shopping, completed it by 8:45 and were home unpacking by 9. Pouring rain, cold and windy. Headache not improved, so took another Fiorecet--that's unusual.
Drove to his doctor's, and discovered the appointment was actually for yesterday. Sigh. Had his coumadin level checked, and it was too high, so we waited while the covering doc talked with him about what dosing to do. Ran back out to the car in the rain, and the freakin Lincoln wouldn't start. There was no indication of what was wrong, and J was so frustrated, so helpless, and just so flummoxed. He called B who was also stunned, and stumped, suggested all the things J had tried to do already. Meanwhile it was getting closer to my appt time... and so J called a taxi, which delivered me to the hospital a half hour prior to my appt, at a cost of $15 to drive about 3 miles. Ugh.
Meanwhile J called B again, who drove over and took J home after locking up the Lincoln, and J raced to the hospital in time to say goodby to me as I headed in for my test. He went and got lunch in the cafeteria. Another $5. (My daughter had also called me, with a severe headache and pain in her abdomen, and when she called her doc they wanted to see her asap; meaning she had to cancel her plan to drive the car up here for B to fix the brakes. Poor kid...they say now this is a complication of the mono, because she tried to do too much before being healed enough properly. So she's on antibiotics and pain meds and rest. She *has* to be better soon-- we're driving up to Seattle next weekend!)
What a day. By the time we got home we were both feeling frazzled....
We just sat quietly, I read, he puttered. Tomorrow *has* to be better!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Thursday
Well, I don't know what happened for a few days: technical problems (unable to log in), bad persistent headache, stressed to the max despite *thinking* I was feeling better. Unable to stay asleep, seriously painful leg cramps waking me when I was asleep. Unable to remain focused. Feeling restless at home, and walking doesn't wear me out. Stomach is bothering me, despite the three times daily use of the carafate.
I attempted retail therapy yesterday, leaving work a bit early along with my bosses, and had a $10 Kohl's cash thing, so I headed there. Didn't even know what I was looking for, just that it had to be under $10. (Because I am also convinced we have money problems, so although I "needed" something, I had no money. But buying something usually helps me fight that. Yup, that's my story...) I wandered, and looked at or tried on earrings, handbags, dresses, tops, and finally found a rack of jeans 50% off. Making them $18. I tried a 14 on, too big. Dressed and went back out of the dressing room to find a 12. Tried them on--too big. Dressed again, and found the last 10-- they fit. OMG. They fit! So even though I'm not *feeling* like I'm losing, apparently I am, or my shape is changing, or something. (Actually what I think is that this brand is maybe catering to my-age women and re-labeling the sizes--is it called vanity sizing?) Whatever. It made my day. So with my $10 off, I ended up paying $8 for these oh-so-comfy and size 10 jeans. Love it. Drove home feeling pretty lucky that my husband had said as I was leaving that morning, "Go shopping! find something you like--you deserve it!!" What a sweetheart.
After I got home we worked on the woodsplitter and log pile some more, and watched the last Oprah show, and J watched too. (He earned serious husband-points yesterday.) Today I woke up glad I could look forward to a four day weekend, due to the holiday. I have my gastric emptying study tomorrow afternoon, J has a doctor appt in the morning for his coumadin check, and my daughter might be driving up to spend the afternoon with us at the hospital while her car is being worked on, depending on *her* health issues. We also need to do grocery shopping.
Not too long ago the mailbox lost the couple of screws which hold the little front door on, and so we'd been looking at replacement boxes. Well, *I* was anyway... and found a wide variety of styles and an even wider range of prices. Good god--from $20 to thousands of dollars! I found a well-reviewed one made by Rubbermaid that I really liked, and it was about $30. I emailed a picture of it to J this morning, and said "what do you think?" And he liked it--but bingo--it occurred to him he could maybe repair ours instead of buying a new one. He likes challenges...so I wonder if that's what he is working on today.
My son is now in *Tulsa* of all places, having re-joined that magazine sales crew. I hate that he joined it (but I understand why he did) but worse, I hate that he is directly in Tornado Alley.
Our garden is starting to show signs of life at last: the onions and carrots are up, the beans are starting, the squashes are also starting. Red lettuces are big enough for a few leaves in my salad the other day. Our rosemary and basil and sage are healthy, and we didn't even have to replant those; they survived the winter just fine, and are huge.
My last weekend at home for the next two weekends. Road trips coming with my daughter--one to Seattle for U2, and one to Spokane, to see Mom again. I'm trying not to anticipate that one or imagine what it'll be like. Live in today, focus on today. Hard to do sometimes.
I attempted retail therapy yesterday, leaving work a bit early along with my bosses, and had a $10 Kohl's cash thing, so I headed there. Didn't even know what I was looking for, just that it had to be under $10. (Because I am also convinced we have money problems, so although I "needed" something, I had no money. But buying something usually helps me fight that. Yup, that's my story...) I wandered, and looked at or tried on earrings, handbags, dresses, tops, and finally found a rack of jeans 50% off. Making them $18. I tried a 14 on, too big. Dressed and went back out of the dressing room to find a 12. Tried them on--too big. Dressed again, and found the last 10-- they fit. OMG. They fit! So even though I'm not *feeling* like I'm losing, apparently I am, or my shape is changing, or something. (Actually what I think is that this brand is maybe catering to my-age women and re-labeling the sizes--is it called vanity sizing?) Whatever. It made my day. So with my $10 off, I ended up paying $8 for these oh-so-comfy and size 10 jeans. Love it. Drove home feeling pretty lucky that my husband had said as I was leaving that morning, "Go shopping! find something you like--you deserve it!!" What a sweetheart.
After I got home we worked on the woodsplitter and log pile some more, and watched the last Oprah show, and J watched too. (He earned serious husband-points yesterday.) Today I woke up glad I could look forward to a four day weekend, due to the holiday. I have my gastric emptying study tomorrow afternoon, J has a doctor appt in the morning for his coumadin check, and my daughter might be driving up to spend the afternoon with us at the hospital while her car is being worked on, depending on *her* health issues. We also need to do grocery shopping.
Not too long ago the mailbox lost the couple of screws which hold the little front door on, and so we'd been looking at replacement boxes. Well, *I* was anyway... and found a wide variety of styles and an even wider range of prices. Good god--from $20 to thousands of dollars! I found a well-reviewed one made by Rubbermaid that I really liked, and it was about $30. I emailed a picture of it to J this morning, and said "what do you think?" And he liked it--but bingo--it occurred to him he could maybe repair ours instead of buying a new one. He likes challenges...so I wonder if that's what he is working on today.
My son is now in *Tulsa* of all places, having re-joined that magazine sales crew. I hate that he joined it (but I understand why he did) but worse, I hate that he is directly in Tornado Alley.
Our garden is starting to show signs of life at last: the onions and carrots are up, the beans are starting, the squashes are also starting. Red lettuces are big enough for a few leaves in my salad the other day. Our rosemary and basil and sage are healthy, and we didn't even have to replant those; they survived the winter just fine, and are huge.
My last weekend at home for the next two weekends. Road trips coming with my daughter--one to Seattle for U2, and one to Spokane, to see Mom again. I'm trying not to anticipate that one or imagine what it'll be like. Live in today, focus on today. Hard to do sometimes.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Monday, noon
I received a disjointed email from mom this morning, (obviously written late last night) and toward the end, she mentioned that "if I am in touch with" C and M, my brother and sister, I should pass this bit along. So in the process of cutting and pasting to do so, I wrote the below, as an intro. I also included J so he could be a part of the information--it's getting harder for me to remember who knows what.
"I don't know if she has responded to either of you yet, but here's what I received this morning, in with some other snippets --she remembers bits of things and then asks me what I do know of that subject. For instance, she asked me where the other written rx was which the previous oncologist had given her--I *was* holding it for awhile, but gave it to the pharmacist at Costco, and she didn't remember that. I had told her I was enjoying the latest JeanAuel book, and she didn't remember that she'd bought it for me when I was up there. Or, in this same email she asked if I'd forgiven her for not allowing the Gerber baby thing to happen-- I was like wha-- where did that come from?? Or, she asked me last night during that phone call if I'd ever wished that she and I had been closer (when I was a teen). I was caught kind of off-guard, and said, "I thought we *were* close!" "Oh", she said very quickly. "Yes, of course. I just wondered..."
"I don't know if she has responded to either of you yet, but here's what I received this morning, in with some other snippets --she remembers bits of things and then asks me what I do know of that subject. For instance, she asked me where the other written rx was which the previous oncologist had given her--I *was* holding it for awhile, but gave it to the pharmacist at Costco, and she didn't remember that. I had told her I was enjoying the latest JeanAuel book, and she didn't remember that she'd bought it for me when I was up there. Or, in this same email she asked if I'd forgiven her for not allowing the Gerber baby thing to happen-- I was like wha-- where did that come from?? Or, she asked me last night during that phone call if I'd ever wished that she and I had been closer (when I was a teen). I was caught kind of off-guard, and said, "I thought we *were* close!" "Oh", she said very quickly. "Yes, of course. I just wondered..."
I don't know what she's reviewing, or where she was going with this, but sometimes it sounds to me like she has regrets...I really dread these phone calls, but I don't want to have the feeling (afterward) that I should have done more. I can't call her in the morning because she isn't awake and/or functioning til early afternoon. So the knowlege that I'm *going* to be calling her later just hangs over me all day. It's just an awful pall. My depression seems worse on Sundays.
Then when I do talk with her, it's hard to remain patient, and have compassion. There's so little I can do from here, and it's damn frustrating. Here's another example: she is going to buy an expensive weedeater because the one she has is "broken" and she doesn't know who or how to repair it. "It doesn't pay to buy cheap stuff". I suggested, could she rent one? Sure, but she doesn't know how to do that, and she has very little energy to consider how to manage that, and then how to return it to the rental place. Argghh. Instead she's going to buy a $300 weedeater. Yeah, I understand why she is doing what she is doing, but oh---the waste of money...
Okay, enough venting. Sorry to dump on you three. I get so stumped with how to deal with this, and while J is amazing and patient and understanding, I don't want to overload him. Or you!! I also hope neither one of you (C and M) misinterprets or misunderstands what she wrote. Lots of what she writes me is sometimes unintelligible due to her brain fogginess. I've cleaned up what I could in this excerpt.
Love you guys--thanks for listening..."
It helped so much just to write it all down. And then I heard back almost right away from J (who responded to all), and then just now I checked again and my sister had responded too. Both help so much with their empathy and deep understanding.
I had a dream last night that I was rx'd an antidepressant. I know mom was given one due to the over-emotionalist stuff she is going through--but she is *dying* for gods sake. Of course she'd be depressed, and I think that's a great idea for her. I am not usually aware of or conscious of being "depressed", but there *are* times I feel I am just sinking. Writing helps, and for me that's kind of like talking. In a way I don't like looking at it all, and in another, it helps, no matter how ugly it looks or feels. I understand intellectually that writing is therapeutic, and that I'm not the only one going through this grieving, both for my mom and for myself; I am forced to look at aspects of my personality that I don't find too admirable. There's a lot of guilt here, but I also recognize I'm doing the best I can. Thank *god* I have a recovery program to go through this with-- I do not know how I would be doing this without one.
I did call my one son N last night, and he said he'd call back in 10 minutes. Never did, so I texted him. That he responded to: he has rejoined a magazine sales crew, because it gives him a place to sleep, get fed, and earn money. Apparently this crew is different than the one he was with before, so that's good. Small comfort there. I don't know where he is, but that doesn't matter. I let him know we are on his side, and praying for him, and that I know when he is ready, his life can become better. And then I had to let it go.
I am reminded of a stone a friend gave me: it's fairly flat, and my friend had painted the words "turn it over" on it. So I did, and there were more words: "turn it over". I needed that reminder today. I also remember that when my daughter and I first moved into our very own house after the split from her dad, we found a small rock half-buried near the front door: it had the word "pray" painted on it. I kept that, and it sits near my current front door.
Sigh.
My boss is due in the next half hour. She left me stuff to do, so I've been doing that...and in the midst of it all, I was notified by the dr's staff that he will be out both Thursday and Friday, all day. Of course this is a big deal because of scheduling my patient in the newest Alzheimer's study... (I swear he is cursed. Every single thing we have had to do for this study has been ridiculously labor-intensive. Lost labs, missing paperwork, rescheduling appointments--this will be the third, or is it the 4th? time I've had to call and change an appointment.)
I did finally figure out how to post the etching on ebay, and it took an hour easily. I haven't done that in a long time. We'll see what happens.
And in the course of removing the tarp from the chicken pen, we actually watched as a very small mouse poked his head out of the ground below the food tray, and moseyed on into the coop! So we have now removed the food tray, and will have to re-think that situation. Meantime, Sheba the cat has discovered there is an active family in the coop area, and now she sits silently waiting and watching. So funny to see her sitting *in* the pen, staring at the various holes, tail twitching.
Little things like this keep me sane and laughing.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I was feeling really stressed yesterday morning-- I don't know why. But 24 hours have passed, and I can get a bit of perspective now. The meeting was not personally as helpful as I would have liked, but afterwards we had our monthly business meeting. As I'm Lit Chair, there was information I needed to give and respond to. Also, we had to figure out a way to get a group consensus on a particular issue before the July assembly, so since I'm leading a meeting in early July that will be done during my meeting. That helps: having issues and being able to solve them. (I think I actually fell asleep for a bit in the actual meeting, something I've never done! One of my friends commented later that I must have really needed it, and not to worry--that I was in a safe place to do so.) I also got help with a personal issue I'm struggling with--whether or not to contact I, my sponsee; I haven't heard from her in a long time.
After the meeting we came home and had lunch before once again going out to the woodpile and running the wood splitter. J feels pressed to use it and get as much done as possible, so that we aren't over-doing our friendship boundaries by borrowing it for too many days. It looks like we have another 2-3 days work at least--and that doesn't even count the stacking of the wood. Right now we are just tossing it into ever growing piles. The push is to get it all cut right now--later we can move it all. Ugh...
Got a facebook message from K, my one son's gf, that they have lost their place, and oddly she wrote she was leaving today after her 2yr old son's birthday party. I don't know what that quite means--is N going with them? where are they going? I alternate between wishing deeply I could throw a lot of money at the situation to fix it, and then taking a deep breath and realizing it's not my problem to solve; that this is *their* life; their choices to use have brought them to this place. (Or rather, their *lack* of place.) It's so hard to keep my mouth shut, and pray. But that is what I am doing. I haven't heard from that son in a long time, since long before Mothers Day. I have his phone number now, though. It's so hard to just sit here in my life and live with the discomfort I feel over knowing they are in so much trouble. But I remind myself even if we had the money, helping them would just fix *my* discomfort, not their deeply-rooted addictions. So the question becomes for me, can I live with my discomfort a bit longer, knowing their Higher Power has a plan for them, which does not involve me? And of course, I can. All I can do is pray, and then let God have the final say. Deep breath. Find something to do to keep my mind occupied.
It isn't as if we don't have plenty to do ourselves. I made a list Friday of all I wanted to do this weekend and we've only managed two of those: mowing and working on the log splitter. We also have 1) removing the tarp from the top of the chicken pen, 2) planting the little fir tree and the flowering quince, both given to us, 3) laundry, 4) filing and sorting through the last 3 months of receipts, 5) figuring out how to put a particular etching on ebay. We also are at the end of our monthly budgeted food allowance, yet need to find enough resources to buy some fruit and veggies and lunch stuff for me this week.That has to happen this week. My car is filthy, and so is J's, so washing the cars would be nice. (S came up yesterday afternoon and sweetly offered to vacuum our cars since she was borrowing the vacuum to do hers--so that was very nice.) J had wanted to attend a vintage motorcycle event today being held just down the road.
I also have tons of stuff to read, and my usual sewing. But with the weather being so non-wet, it almost feels like we are wasting time by being inside. It's hard to just sit and be! Oh, and I need to call mom later-- she isn't sounding good. Although Lyn is still there--thankfully.
Well. Enough venting. There's stuff to be done, and it's after 9 already.
After the meeting we came home and had lunch before once again going out to the woodpile and running the wood splitter. J feels pressed to use it and get as much done as possible, so that we aren't over-doing our friendship boundaries by borrowing it for too many days. It looks like we have another 2-3 days work at least--and that doesn't even count the stacking of the wood. Right now we are just tossing it into ever growing piles. The push is to get it all cut right now--later we can move it all. Ugh...
Got a facebook message from K, my one son's gf, that they have lost their place, and oddly she wrote she was leaving today after her 2yr old son's birthday party. I don't know what that quite means--is N going with them? where are they going? I alternate between wishing deeply I could throw a lot of money at the situation to fix it, and then taking a deep breath and realizing it's not my problem to solve; that this is *their* life; their choices to use have brought them to this place. (Or rather, their *lack* of place.) It's so hard to keep my mouth shut, and pray. But that is what I am doing. I haven't heard from that son in a long time, since long before Mothers Day. I have his phone number now, though. It's so hard to just sit here in my life and live with the discomfort I feel over knowing they are in so much trouble. But I remind myself even if we had the money, helping them would just fix *my* discomfort, not their deeply-rooted addictions. So the question becomes for me, can I live with my discomfort a bit longer, knowing their Higher Power has a plan for them, which does not involve me? And of course, I can. All I can do is pray, and then let God have the final say. Deep breath. Find something to do to keep my mind occupied.
It isn't as if we don't have plenty to do ourselves. I made a list Friday of all I wanted to do this weekend and we've only managed two of those: mowing and working on the log splitter. We also have 1) removing the tarp from the top of the chicken pen, 2) planting the little fir tree and the flowering quince, both given to us, 3) laundry, 4) filing and sorting through the last 3 months of receipts, 5) figuring out how to put a particular etching on ebay. We also are at the end of our monthly budgeted food allowance, yet need to find enough resources to buy some fruit and veggies and lunch stuff for me this week.That has to happen this week. My car is filthy, and so is J's, so washing the cars would be nice. (S came up yesterday afternoon and sweetly offered to vacuum our cars since she was borrowing the vacuum to do hers--so that was very nice.) J had wanted to attend a vintage motorcycle event today being held just down the road.
I also have tons of stuff to read, and my usual sewing. But with the weather being so non-wet, it almost feels like we are wasting time by being inside. It's hard to just sit and be! Oh, and I need to call mom later-- she isn't sounding good. Although Lyn is still there--thankfully.
Well. Enough venting. There's stuff to be done, and it's after 9 already.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Saturday,9am
I've been so stressed the past few days, and don't know why. Part of it might be the money we are looking at spending, part of it is mom's health, part of it is concern over J's slowly limiting abilities. (These lessening tendencies in him are so subtle, and if I didn't know him so well, I wouldn't notice.) I think we are going to check out our budget and review our re-payment plans.That will reassure me we do have an actual plan to repay. It is much slower than I'd like but if we can stick with it, and stick with one day at a time, that makes it do-able.
On top of that we are using a friend's wood splitter, and again, the pile of wood to deal with is huge. I'm *so* thankful we have so much wood to process-- yet my mind tends to jump to the work involved and how are we to get it all done? I *am* grateful. I'm grateful it's cooler weather. Grateful we are not doing this in the heat of August...and J does insist we take breaks.
I also discovered this morning that Mom had been posting to the wrong caringbridge location, so that too quite a bit of time to straighten out, and then explain to her what had gone wrong. I've only been awake 2 hours!
I need my meeting this morning...
On top of that we are using a friend's wood splitter, and again, the pile of wood to deal with is huge. I'm *so* thankful we have so much wood to process-- yet my mind tends to jump to the work involved and how are we to get it all done? I *am* grateful. I'm grateful it's cooler weather. Grateful we are not doing this in the heat of August...and J does insist we take breaks.
I also discovered this morning that Mom had been posting to the wrong caringbridge location, so that too quite a bit of time to straighten out, and then explain to her what had gone wrong. I've only been awake 2 hours!
I need my meeting this morning...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wednesday
Cool and foggy this morning, but supposed to be sunny and warm later. J's friend John will be bringing his wood splitter today, and the three of us will tackle that huge pile of oak. I love seeing the wood splitter run--I love actually working it, too. It's so satisfying to see those logs just fall to pieces that will fit in our stove.
I scheduled the gastric emptying study for a week from Friday; it's at 1pm, and should take 2 hours. Doesn't sound too bad. I'll call next Monday and make sure the procedure is covered with my insurance. My liver results were still elevated, so he wants me to repeat them in 3 more months. Sigh. Frustrating not being able to find a cause for this, and that it's enough to keep me from getting life insurance.
The good news is I've lost another pound...slow and steady. Finally. I'm focusing on fruits and veggies, with limited carbs and very little red meat. I just haven't felt hungry, and that makes a difference. It's easy for me to limit my intake if I'm not in the mood for munching. I think that has to do with cutting down the sweets, too; if I don't get started on them in the first place, then it's not such a temptation to keep going.
Haven't heard from mom since Monday morning, before the chemo. I'm assuming her friend arrived, and that they've been fairly busy. She won't send a photo of herself with no hair. Yet J's oldest daughter Brenda is going to shave her head, in support of mom, and her cousin who also is fighting cancer. We've learned Brenda is coming out here for a few days in early July. I've never met her, so I'm looking forward to that. She booked too late to take the train which is what she wanted, so she'll be arriving from Toledo at 10:30 at night up in Portland. Ugh!! That's a 90 min drive--good thing the 4th is the next day, so I don't have to work. J is so looking forward to seeing her...
Work now...
I scheduled the gastric emptying study for a week from Friday; it's at 1pm, and should take 2 hours. Doesn't sound too bad. I'll call next Monday and make sure the procedure is covered with my insurance. My liver results were still elevated, so he wants me to repeat them in 3 more months. Sigh. Frustrating not being able to find a cause for this, and that it's enough to keep me from getting life insurance.
The good news is I've lost another pound...slow and steady. Finally. I'm focusing on fruits and veggies, with limited carbs and very little red meat. I just haven't felt hungry, and that makes a difference. It's easy for me to limit my intake if I'm not in the mood for munching. I think that has to do with cutting down the sweets, too; if I don't get started on them in the first place, then it's not such a temptation to keep going.
Haven't heard from mom since Monday morning, before the chemo. I'm assuming her friend arrived, and that they've been fairly busy. She won't send a photo of herself with no hair. Yet J's oldest daughter Brenda is going to shave her head, in support of mom, and her cousin who also is fighting cancer. We've learned Brenda is coming out here for a few days in early July. I've never met her, so I'm looking forward to that. She booked too late to take the train which is what she wanted, so she'll be arriving from Toledo at 10:30 at night up in Portland. Ugh!! That's a 90 min drive--good thing the 4th is the next day, so I don't have to work. J is so looking forward to seeing her...
Work now...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday, cloudy
Brrr. Cold and gloomy outside. Not actually raining---but looks like it will. The big outdoor thermometer we have outside the kitchen window says 50 degrees...
After my much-needed meeting yesterday, I deposited my paycheck into the bank, and then we reviewed our budget and paid our bills. We've been budgeting for a wisteria and a fig tree, and finally did go buy those. They will add beauty *and* food to our lives! My dad's generosity enabled us to pay the medical bills and now we are caught up again. The rest of that gift went right into savings, and knowing we can draw on that for emergencies is such a huge relief. Later I did my walk with the dog, and while I felt I was walking slower because of the bursitis pain, better slow than not at all. Neither one of us felt like cooking, so we just re-heated the ravioli and tomato sauce for dinner, and watched an old disaster movie called Earthquake. It would have looked fairly realistic for a movie made in the 70s, except now we have seen what a major quake is truly capable of in Japan--so a lot of this movie appeared cheesy and just plain ridiculous. Still, we enjoy disaster movies, and even the worst ones are kind of fun to watch.
I hadn't heard from my son in a while, and finally did contact him and his gf via Facebook. This morning I heard back from the gf, who says yes, they are struggling and yet they are okay, N is not in jail. Coincidentally, I also heard via FB from N's ex, the mother of my granddaughter; she wondered if I could "say something" to N to "make him pay" the child support. I wrote her back that I can't "make" him do anything, but that I do understand and sympathize with the no-money-from-the-ex issue, that I had 3 kids when it happened to me, and that I know their daughter is the most important person in N's life, even if he cannot pay toward her support.
I so wish I could help them out. But I'm grateful in a way that we *don't* have extra money, because it'd be so easy to just send them cash every month. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is, when there are small children involved. I don't know if N's money issues are due to his drinking/using, or if it's just because neither one is earning enough: they both have minimum wage jobs as far as I know, and that won't go a long way no matter how cheaply they live. And I think the gf's child by a previous relationship is living with them full-time, so they have a lot of responsibility already. (I thank you God that I am no longer living with small children, on a very tight budget. Been there, done that, would *not* have managed without the help from my beloved grandmother, my guardian angel.)
Today J seems tense--pacing around, restless. A friend is coming over Wednesday with his wood splitter, and they will be tackling the humongous pile of uncut oak we have. I think J has decided to prepare the area that will be receiving the wood once it's cut. The caregiver part of me wishes I could magically wave my wand and ease his frustrations, but the deeper self I am knows there is nothing I can do except offer my listening ear, and pray. Both of which I do daily for him, and for other members of my family who are struggling.
Today is also the day I will call Mom. Yesterday I was not feeling up to it-- and frankly I'm not feeling up to it today either. But it's the weekend, and I didn't call during the week. Must call today. I haddared to mention that her numerous computer problems might be because of something *she* was doing, rather than the fault of the computers, and she responded favorably to that. Amazing. So I asked my sister to make suggestions to her too, re the computer issues. She did, and did so tactfully and thoughtfully and again, mom responded very well to those. (I think we are all trying very hard not to make mis-steps in communications. It's time-consuming, yet it is working.)
I also think part of that is because she is dying. Or at least she is in enough pain that she doesn't have the energy to waste on making something harder. Maybe.
I heard back from one of the banks that I'd sent Gramma's pension check to; this bank says they are only the issuing bank and that I need to contact the company on the check for it to be possibly re-issued. She is sending it back, so I'll try that next. Haven't heard from the other 2 places.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I have no patients, and BossJ isn't coming in, because her daughter is visiting, so it'll be me alone. I'm grateful for that; I like those quiet days. I'm feeling a lot more calm and settled in my own mind again, recovered from the visit to mom. Took a while, but when I think that this was only the first visit...and how many more will there be? I'm torn. There is no way to just "get through this"; I have to feel every single day's emotions, and not deny them. That is exhausting. I'm dealing with emotional pain primarily (and physical secondary), and she is dealing with physical primarily (emotional secondary), yet hers must be much worse because of knowing it's terminal. There's a definite end to hers at some point. Of course there's an end to mine at some point too, but she actually knows what is slowly killing her. How odd that must be.
After my much-needed meeting yesterday, I deposited my paycheck into the bank, and then we reviewed our budget and paid our bills. We've been budgeting for a wisteria and a fig tree, and finally did go buy those. They will add beauty *and* food to our lives! My dad's generosity enabled us to pay the medical bills and now we are caught up again. The rest of that gift went right into savings, and knowing we can draw on that for emergencies is such a huge relief. Later I did my walk with the dog, and while I felt I was walking slower because of the bursitis pain, better slow than not at all. Neither one of us felt like cooking, so we just re-heated the ravioli and tomato sauce for dinner, and watched an old disaster movie called Earthquake. It would have looked fairly realistic for a movie made in the 70s, except now we have seen what a major quake is truly capable of in Japan--so a lot of this movie appeared cheesy and just plain ridiculous. Still, we enjoy disaster movies, and even the worst ones are kind of fun to watch.
I hadn't heard from my son in a while, and finally did contact him and his gf via Facebook. This morning I heard back from the gf, who says yes, they are struggling and yet they are okay, N is not in jail. Coincidentally, I also heard via FB from N's ex, the mother of my granddaughter; she wondered if I could "say something" to N to "make him pay" the child support. I wrote her back that I can't "make" him do anything, but that I do understand and sympathize with the no-money-from-the-ex issue, that I had 3 kids when it happened to me, and that I know their daughter is the most important person in N's life, even if he cannot pay toward her support.
I so wish I could help them out. But I'm grateful in a way that we *don't* have extra money, because it'd be so easy to just send them cash every month. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is, when there are small children involved. I don't know if N's money issues are due to his drinking/using, or if it's just because neither one is earning enough: they both have minimum wage jobs as far as I know, and that won't go a long way no matter how cheaply they live. And I think the gf's child by a previous relationship is living with them full-time, so they have a lot of responsibility already. (I thank you God that I am no longer living with small children, on a very tight budget. Been there, done that, would *not* have managed without the help from my beloved grandmother, my guardian angel.)
Today J seems tense--pacing around, restless. A friend is coming over Wednesday with his wood splitter, and they will be tackling the humongous pile of uncut oak we have. I think J has decided to prepare the area that will be receiving the wood once it's cut. The caregiver part of me wishes I could magically wave my wand and ease his frustrations, but the deeper self I am knows there is nothing I can do except offer my listening ear, and pray. Both of which I do daily for him, and for other members of my family who are struggling.
Today is also the day I will call Mom. Yesterday I was not feeling up to it-- and frankly I'm not feeling up to it today either. But it's the weekend, and I didn't call during the week. Must call today. I had
I also think part of that is because she is dying. Or at least she is in enough pain that she doesn't have the energy to waste on making something harder. Maybe.
I heard back from one of the banks that I'd sent Gramma's pension check to; this bank says they are only the issuing bank and that I need to contact the company on the check for it to be possibly re-issued. She is sending it back, so I'll try that next. Haven't heard from the other 2 places.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I have no patients, and BossJ isn't coming in, because her daughter is visiting, so it'll be me alone. I'm grateful for that; I like those quiet days. I'm feeling a lot more calm and settled in my own mind again, recovered from the visit to mom. Took a while, but when I think that this was only the first visit...and how many more will there be? I'm torn. There is no way to just "get through this"; I have to feel every single day's emotions, and not deny them. That is exhausting. I'm dealing with emotional pain primarily (and physical secondary), and she is dealing with physical primarily (emotional secondary), yet hers must be much worse because of knowing it's terminal. There's a definite end to hers at some point. Of course there's an end to mine at some point too, but she actually knows what is slowly killing her. How odd that must be.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Saturday,9am
The endoscopy results arrived Thursday. They were a mixed blessing. Still no easy answers to what is going on with me: it confirmed I do not have an ulcer, nor do I have celiac disease. I received this in an actual letter from the GI, who now recommends a gastric emptying study. I did some research on what this is, and from what I read, I do not have symptoms that are *very* worrying. So my initial thought was that this would determine whether I have a slowly emptying stomach or a rapid emptying stomach. Either way I would need to be on meds. But I didn't see the need to do either one, since my symptoms don't seem severe enough to warrant this procedure. I emailed the results to my immediate family, and no one responded except my sister who freaked out. Turns out a friend of hers actually died from complications due to gastroparesis (which is what I'm suspecting my final dx will be. (No, I'm not a doctor, and yes, I guess I was taking this fairly lightly--until my sister emailed me in great urgency). I picked up my phone and called her, and we had a good talk, she describing in greater detail what had concerned her.
So now I understand. I will need to think about this. Probably I will call my doc's office on Monday, to get his ideas on whether this truly is necessary. I'm not looking forward to more tests. But can I go the rest of my life taking carafate 3 times a day? I don't know. Another question for the doc.
In other news, S did go home Thursday afternoon, saying she felt well enough to manage. It was so hard to watch her feeling so poorly, and knowing she has a long road to recovery. It was nice to be able to share our lives with her, though; now she has a better idea of how we live, and how peaceful and satisfying it can be to live with someone who respects you and loves you. She didn't see much of that growing up, I think.
Work was expected to be crazy Thursday, but my British Alzheimer's patient woke up and forgot it was to be a fasting visit--he had breakfast. So we had to reschedule for next week. That made the rest of the day much easier. Still busy, but not crazy-busy. I was able to leave at 3:30, and since I also got paid, I got myself a needed pair of replacement sneakers, and a better bra. All on sale...I love that. Home by 5:30, and discovered J had thoughtfully planted my white azaleas into some amazing cedar planters, which now are settled in each corner of the driveway. He found the planters also on sale, half price.
I can't remember what we had for dinner, but I'm not so set on keeping track anymore. I've been documenting what I eat now for almost 4 months, and I think it shows I have a pretty good diet. I do like my wine, and I do have a weakness for candy or chocolate, but I don't do either in excess.
Yesterday, Friday the 13th was a wonderful day: I was doing a lot of emailing in the morning, catching up. Getting to talk with my sister was a nice treat, and then we set off on errands: I had my labs re-drawn, we picked up some veggie starts, and once home after lunch we planted those. I also planted the seeds for the rock cress, which I'm hoping will grow along the edges of the kitchen garden. The chickens were very interested in what I was doing, but I shooed them away, and they didn't go back in that area. J took a nap and I stayed outside: pruning, weeding, raking, and a lot of thinning. The lemon balm is just taking over my two flower garden areas-- I pulled so much of it, and yet we have plenty still. Later we walked our 2 miles, and then back to garden and yard work. By that time it was almost 5, and suddenly I realized how much my back was aching.
We sat outside on the front steps and watched the "commuter traffic", enjoying the sun, and warm winds. J went up to the store to get a cake for his son's birthday; he turned 21 yesterday. We had expected him after dinner, but by 8 he still hadn't shown up. A bit after that he finally called, and by then J was ticked off at Z's disregard, so he calmly suggested Z come by in the morning. He also informed Z that as an adult he now needed to be more responsible and let us know if he was running late, instead of just expecting us to be ready for him when he decided to show up. Z apologized...he should be coming by today sometime.
We have been chosen to do a Nielsen TV diary this week also: we started Thursday, and keep track of who is watching what channel for how long, for an entire week. It's been fascinating. Last night we ended up watching an old (1969) Gregory Peck western, and that took us til 10. Put the cats out, locked the house up, and I picked up a paperback S had left for me to read. I started it at 10:15 or so---and when I finished it was just after 1 am. Combination of a very easy to read engrossing story, and that I wasn't sleepy.
An AlAnon friend called this morning, and that was nice. She won't be at the meeting, but just wanted to check in: She remembered I hadn't heard from one child on Mother's Day, and neither had she heard from one of hers. I think my MIA son might be in jail---but I don't know. Am debating on whether to see if his twin knows anything. Is that sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, or is that a normal (for me) motherly concern? What is my business, and what isn't: It's always hard to determine that, with my boys. Glad there is a meeting today to get some experience and hope.
Finally my mom: she had a bad few days, and finally went to the CancerCenter to have them check on those symptoms. They took blood to check on the WBC, which is fine. And she got to meet the new doc I'd switched her to. Fortunately she absolutely loves him. I'm so relieved--I think it is crucial to be able to speak honestly and openly to a care provider. I was afraid the new doc would be as bad as the other one, but it turns out he is much more empathetic and caring than the first one. PHEW. He thinks it's a virus she has, so no meds, just rest and treating the symptoms.
I still need to change the date of when we are going up again--have to contact mom today about that.
Getting ready to leave now. More tomorrow.
So now I understand. I will need to think about this. Probably I will call my doc's office on Monday, to get his ideas on whether this truly is necessary. I'm not looking forward to more tests. But can I go the rest of my life taking carafate 3 times a day? I don't know. Another question for the doc.
In other news, S did go home Thursday afternoon, saying she felt well enough to manage. It was so hard to watch her feeling so poorly, and knowing she has a long road to recovery. It was nice to be able to share our lives with her, though; now she has a better idea of how we live, and how peaceful and satisfying it can be to live with someone who respects you and loves you. She didn't see much of that growing up, I think.
Work was expected to be crazy Thursday, but my British Alzheimer's patient woke up and forgot it was to be a fasting visit--he had breakfast. So we had to reschedule for next week. That made the rest of the day much easier. Still busy, but not crazy-busy. I was able to leave at 3:30, and since I also got paid, I got myself a needed pair of replacement sneakers, and a better bra. All on sale...I love that. Home by 5:30, and discovered J had thoughtfully planted my white azaleas into some amazing cedar planters, which now are settled in each corner of the driveway. He found the planters also on sale, half price.
I can't remember what we had for dinner, but I'm not so set on keeping track anymore. I've been documenting what I eat now for almost 4 months, and I think it shows I have a pretty good diet. I do like my wine, and I do have a weakness for candy or chocolate, but I don't do either in excess.
Yesterday, Friday the 13th was a wonderful day: I was doing a lot of emailing in the morning, catching up. Getting to talk with my sister was a nice treat, and then we set off on errands: I had my labs re-drawn, we picked up some veggie starts, and once home after lunch we planted those. I also planted the seeds for the rock cress, which I'm hoping will grow along the edges of the kitchen garden. The chickens were very interested in what I was doing, but I shooed them away, and they didn't go back in that area. J took a nap and I stayed outside: pruning, weeding, raking, and a lot of thinning. The lemon balm is just taking over my two flower garden areas-- I pulled so much of it, and yet we have plenty still. Later we walked our 2 miles, and then back to garden and yard work. By that time it was almost 5, and suddenly I realized how much my back was aching.
We sat outside on the front steps and watched the "commuter traffic", enjoying the sun, and warm winds. J went up to the store to get a cake for his son's birthday; he turned 21 yesterday. We had expected him after dinner, but by 8 he still hadn't shown up. A bit after that he finally called, and by then J was ticked off at Z's disregard, so he calmly suggested Z come by in the morning. He also informed Z that as an adult he now needed to be more responsible and let us know if he was running late, instead of just expecting us to be ready for him when he decided to show up. Z apologized...he should be coming by today sometime.
We have been chosen to do a Nielsen TV diary this week also: we started Thursday, and keep track of who is watching what channel for how long, for an entire week. It's been fascinating. Last night we ended up watching an old (1969) Gregory Peck western, and that took us til 10. Put the cats out, locked the house up, and I picked up a paperback S had left for me to read. I started it at 10:15 or so---and when I finished it was just after 1 am. Combination of a very easy to read engrossing story, and that I wasn't sleepy.
An AlAnon friend called this morning, and that was nice. She won't be at the meeting, but just wanted to check in: She remembered I hadn't heard from one child on Mother's Day, and neither had she heard from one of hers. I think my MIA son might be in jail---but I don't know. Am debating on whether to see if his twin knows anything. Is that sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, or is that a normal (for me) motherly concern? What is my business, and what isn't: It's always hard to determine that, with my boys. Glad there is a meeting today to get some experience and hope.
Finally my mom: she had a bad few days, and finally went to the CancerCenter to have them check on those symptoms. They took blood to check on the WBC, which is fine. And she got to meet the new doc I'd switched her to. Fortunately she absolutely loves him. I'm so relieved--I think it is crucial to be able to speak honestly and openly to a care provider. I was afraid the new doc would be as bad as the other one, but it turns out he is much more empathetic and caring than the first one. PHEW. He thinks it's a virus she has, so no meds, just rest and treating the symptoms.
I still need to change the date of when we are going up again--have to contact mom today about that.
Getting ready to leave now. More tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tuesday 5/10
Yesterday as I was driving home, I stopped off at our credit union to deposit a check, and get a replacement debit card. Much to my surprise I was able to just request it, and walk out with it. Very quick service: I have to wait 24 hours to actually *use* it, but hey, that's do-able. Then to the haircut place (Supercuts) as there was a $9.95 special, and I'm all about cheap haircuts. I drew the new person there, and she was *so* annoying--she talked at lightning speed the entire time. Plus she had some kind of accent, so on top of surreptitiously monitoring whether she was doing at paying attention to how I'd explained I wanted my hair trimmed, I was trying to understand and follow her stories. By the time I left, I was fighting off another headache. Next time I will know not to have her do my hair. Have to admit she did a great job---but it's not worth the hassle of listening to her.
I then stopped in the grocery store and picked up a few things S needed, and another white azalea bush. At home, I found J's BigBlue gone, and a note on the door--"Have gone to Urgent Care w/S--call me". I greeted Murphy, and changed into my non-work clothes, and called J. S had complained of severe stomach pain which had woken her from sleeping, and then on the way to UC she vomited (not in the car) again. I said goodbye to Murphy, and by the time I got there (it's only about 5 minutes drive), she was already being seen, looking pale and exhausted. Long story short, the very nice doc decided this was still the mono/hepatitus/sore throat/ inflamed liver and spleen. No fever. No other symptoms, except the continuing inability to keep anything down. So she is now on oxycodone for the severe sore throat, and pedialyte to rehydrate her. We were home by 6:30, and J went and filled S's rx, and got her some miso soup to try. She had a bit of oatmeal, which she did keep down. I heated up soup for dinner, and we did our usual evening chores, but I didn't get a walk in. Hopefully tonight I can. We all watched DWTS, and were in bed by 10.
At work this morning, we had no Internet access again-- this is the third time in about 10 days. So we had to call the ISP and wait for them to come and re-set a freakin switch. At least we know now what to do...
I have no patients today, fortunately, but a monitor for the new study, and prep work for Thursday, which will be a difficult day. Then I caught up on emails, and had a pretty quiet day. Dad has sent a check, which arrived in the mail yesterday--what a gift this is. It's going straight into the bank until next payday, when we will sit down and figure out what is happening with our medical bills, and what else is crucial.
Mom's information is encouraging: she sounded upbeat anyway. She had a visit from some friends, and the husband was able to fix up some minor things for her, that I hadn't been able to get to. She asked me to take over the computer fixing issue, and I think that is something I cannot do from here; I suggested her friend Lyn, who is due Monday, and who will be there for a week. Then there was a joint email between me and my sister and brother over various issues with Mom. Good to get their thoughts and suggestions--I don't want to be doing this alone.
Between mom, and my daughter, and trying to make sure I don't overlook J, and work, I'm feeling "scraped thin" as Bilbo said. But I do get good news now and then. The AlAnon retreat I had been planning on going to in June is something I finally decided I didn't feel right about doing-- I could put that money to better use now, so I've been looking for someone to take over my reservation. That did happen; a woman in my group gave me the money last Saturday. That is a huge relief. And hopefully S will be feeling better enough to enjoy the concert we are going to in Seattle, in 3 weeks. This is something we have been planning since last fall. She bought the tickets and I'm paying for the hotel room. We'll be able to walk to and from the venue from the hotel.
Endoscopy results are any time now--he said Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll be glad to know.
I then stopped in the grocery store and picked up a few things S needed, and another white azalea bush. At home, I found J's BigBlue gone, and a note on the door--"Have gone to Urgent Care w/S--call me". I greeted Murphy, and changed into my non-work clothes, and called J. S had complained of severe stomach pain which had woken her from sleeping, and then on the way to UC she vomited (not in the car) again. I said goodbye to Murphy, and by the time I got there (it's only about 5 minutes drive), she was already being seen, looking pale and exhausted. Long story short, the very nice doc decided this was still the mono/hepatitus/sore throat/ inflamed liver and spleen. No fever. No other symptoms, except the continuing inability to keep anything down. So she is now on oxycodone for the severe sore throat, and pedialyte to rehydrate her. We were home by 6:30, and J went and filled S's rx, and got her some miso soup to try. She had a bit of oatmeal, which she did keep down. I heated up soup for dinner, and we did our usual evening chores, but I didn't get a walk in. Hopefully tonight I can. We all watched DWTS, and were in bed by 10.
At work this morning, we had no Internet access again-- this is the third time in about 10 days. So we had to call the ISP and wait for them to come and re-set a freakin switch. At least we know now what to do...
I have no patients today, fortunately, but a monitor for the new study, and prep work for Thursday, which will be a difficult day. Then I caught up on emails, and had a pretty quiet day. Dad has sent a check, which arrived in the mail yesterday--what a gift this is. It's going straight into the bank until next payday, when we will sit down and figure out what is happening with our medical bills, and what else is crucial.
Mom's information is encouraging: she sounded upbeat anyway. She had a visit from some friends, and the husband was able to fix up some minor things for her, that I hadn't been able to get to. She asked me to take over the computer fixing issue, and I think that is something I cannot do from here; I suggested her friend Lyn, who is due Monday, and who will be there for a week. Then there was a joint email between me and my sister and brother over various issues with Mom. Good to get their thoughts and suggestions--I don't want to be doing this alone.
Between mom, and my daughter, and trying to make sure I don't overlook J, and work, I'm feeling "scraped thin" as Bilbo said. But I do get good news now and then. The AlAnon retreat I had been planning on going to in June is something I finally decided I didn't feel right about doing-- I could put that money to better use now, so I've been looking for someone to take over my reservation. That did happen; a woman in my group gave me the money last Saturday. That is a huge relief. And hopefully S will be feeling better enough to enjoy the concert we are going to in Seattle, in 3 weeks. This is something we have been planning since last fall. She bought the tickets and I'm paying for the hotel room. We'll be able to walk to and from the venue from the hotel.
Endoscopy results are any time now--he said Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll be glad to know.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
mother's day
I can't believe I have had no time to post since Thursday, but I'm still feeling so damn tired. Mentally exhausted. I feel I've had no alone time, no time to just escape and recover, recharge. I think I will do that today--do nothing except what I want to, even if that means just sitting and reading.
Part of what happened since then is that my daughter made a trip to the ER with her mentor L, and during the almost 6 hours they were there, determined she has mono and hepatitis. This all occurred the night before I was due for the endoscopy. We were kept informed during the night by three separate phone calls from L, updating us. I was so grateful for her ability to be there for S, and yet--the next morning I received a private message via Facebook from L: it turns out L wasit felt like chastising me for not being there at the hospital myself. I wrote her back, thanking her for sharing her opinion, and gave her some of the back story, which I don't know if S had shared. She has a way of giving information to others that casts me in an unflattering light. She leaves out crucial details. I end up feeling very defensive, and I really hate that feeling.
She had been vomiting nonstop since the night before I left, and had been unable to keep anything down. She'd been to the doctor's office twice during that time, and the first time they said it was flu, second time said a long-lasting flu and gave her a shot to stop the vomiting. I'd seen her the next day, and had brought her some popsicles and kleenex, asking again if she wanted to come up and stay with us, as had J when I was away. Each time she'd said no. So she was crying in the ER from exhaustion, and fear of what was happening. L put all that together, and seems to have made the assumption that I "refused" to go to S--which is definitely not the case. Arggghhh.
The treatment for mono is nothing but time, and more phenergan for nausea relief. It's a viral illness, so there's no antibiotics. When we got home from the endoscopy and our errands, I had planned a nice quiet weekend, recovering. That was not to be: S called, and we were rehashing the ER visit, and I asked again if she wanted to come up or have us come get her. This time she said, "only if you really want me to...", and while I know that's a game, I definitely do want her here, if she honestly feels that I have somehow let her down. (This all goes back to a similar theme she and I have lived in for a looong time, since her young childhood. We've had counseling, and intensive talking, and lived through numerous episodes which are based on that belief of hers. I don't know how much of this is "hers" and how much is mine. But each time I re-examine my actions, and then discuss this with either my loving husband who has remarkably clear vision, or my sponsor, or a good and trusted friend. Each time I gain a lot of perception, and hope I can incorporate it the next time.)
So, she was feeling up to driving here, and did so, arriving around 5. Promptly collapsed on the sofa, and began crying, because in addition to this illness, she had just broken up with her new bf. He apparently didn't believe she had gotten the mono from him, and so based on that and other things she's related to me, she decided to dump him. I think she knew this was inevitable, but on top of everything else she's wiped out.
J created a hastily put-together dinner for us, and then she slept upstairs after we hurriedly fixed up and vacuumed, etc. I had gone for my walk with the dog already; while I know that's good for my mental state, it's also tiring. (Sometimes that's a good thing--allows me to walk off stress and feel physically tired enough to sleep all the way through the night. Other times it gives me a second wind, and sometimes that's a good thing, too, depending on what plans we have.)
I don't even remember what we ate or what we did that night--I think we watched a movie on one of the free channels. Next morning J and I got up and had breakfast, and headed to the MasterGardener's Annual Sale to get some veggie starts and some flowering plants. Came home, discovered S was up and eating some applesauce and toast. We left after dropping off the stuff we'd bought, and headed to the AlAnon meeting. TYG for the meeting--I needed it. Home after stopping by Habitat and Goodwill. Ate a good lunch of grilled cheese. Then S lay on the sofa again, and J and I headed outside to work in the garden, putting up netting around it before planting the things we'd bought, and cleaning out the coop. J's son Z came over and spent a couple of hours with his dad, and when I finally came inside again S was working on her paper.
J and I headed out again for groceries and a few other things, and were home by 5:30. By that time he was having so much pain in his wrists he took a morphine, and an hour later another one.That almost never happens, that he has enough pain to justify 2 pills. I made dinner from leftovers, and unfortunately S threw up a couple of hours later. I don't know if it was the dinner of a tuna sandwich and soup I'd given her, or whether it was the mono, but she was miserable. Poor thing... I made J a steak and cheese sandwich, and I had a piece of leftover pizza and some broccoli. Later we watched a Nicolas Cage movie called Matchstick Men, or something like that, which was good enough. Bed by 10 for all...
This morning I discovered Mother's Day ecards from my brother, and from my husband. I sent some to the moms of my granddaughters, and to my own mom. I will call her later. My one son Ja called at 8, to wish me Happy Mother's Day on his way to work-- that was sweet of him...I hope I hear from the other son. I'm lucky in that both usually do remember to call.
One more thing happened on Friday: my dad emailed me to comment on my blog which he hadn't been reading until recently, and is sending a very generous check to help out with expenses (involved with visiting mom among others). I was so amazed, once again, at his unexpected generosity and understanding. I felt like crying with relief, and gratitude. What a gift he is to me, to us-- and how deeply appreciative I am. This has eased my mind tremendously. I have a few hundred dollars in medical expenses already, and the news about the additional expense for the endoscopy was so distressing. I just figured we'd somehow manage to cover it, and maybe we'd be out of debt by the end of the year. It's funny, but when we do set up a plan to pay off various things, I still have them stewing in my mind. J is able to relax just knowing we *do* have a plan, and takes comfort in that. I wish I could get to where he is. Life would be so much easier and more enjoyable.
And this morning, I read a note from my sister, and *she* is sending a check, to help out with the next trip's expenses. I am blessed. Whatever we are going through, we are not alone.
All in HP's time, not mine. I'm grateful for that reminder. And I'm grateful for my family, far and wide, near and dear.
Part of what happened since then is that my daughter made a trip to the ER with her mentor L, and during the almost 6 hours they were there, determined she has mono and hepatitis. This all occurred the night before I was due for the endoscopy. We were kept informed during the night by three separate phone calls from L, updating us. I was so grateful for her ability to be there for S, and yet--the next morning I received a private message via Facebook from L: it turns out L was
She had been vomiting nonstop since the night before I left, and had been unable to keep anything down. She'd been to the doctor's office twice during that time, and the first time they said it was flu, second time said a long-lasting flu and gave her a shot to stop the vomiting. I'd seen her the next day, and had brought her some popsicles and kleenex, asking again if she wanted to come up and stay with us, as had J when I was away. Each time she'd said no. So she was crying in the ER from exhaustion, and fear of what was happening. L put all that together, and seems to have made the assumption that I "refused" to go to S--which is definitely not the case. Arggghhh.
The treatment for mono is nothing but time, and more phenergan for nausea relief. It's a viral illness, so there's no antibiotics. When we got home from the endoscopy and our errands, I had planned a nice quiet weekend, recovering. That was not to be: S called, and we were rehashing the ER visit, and I asked again if she wanted to come up or have us come get her. This time she said, "only if you really want me to...", and while I know that's a game, I definitely do want her here, if she honestly feels that I have somehow let her down. (This all goes back to a similar theme she and I have lived in for a looong time, since her young childhood. We've had counseling, and intensive talking, and lived through numerous episodes which are based on that belief of hers. I don't know how much of this is "hers" and how much is mine. But each time I re-examine my actions, and then discuss this with either my loving husband who has remarkably clear vision, or my sponsor, or a good and trusted friend. Each time I gain a lot of perception, and hope I can incorporate it the next time.)
So, she was feeling up to driving here, and did so, arriving around 5. Promptly collapsed on the sofa, and began crying, because in addition to this illness, she had just broken up with her new bf. He apparently didn't believe she had gotten the mono from him, and so based on that and other things she's related to me, she decided to dump him. I think she knew this was inevitable, but on top of everything else she's wiped out.
J created a hastily put-together dinner for us, and then she slept upstairs after we hurriedly fixed up and vacuumed, etc. I had gone for my walk with the dog already; while I know that's good for my mental state, it's also tiring. (Sometimes that's a good thing--allows me to walk off stress and feel physically tired enough to sleep all the way through the night. Other times it gives me a second wind, and sometimes that's a good thing, too, depending on what plans we have.)
I don't even remember what we ate or what we did that night--I think we watched a movie on one of the free channels. Next morning J and I got up and had breakfast, and headed to the MasterGardener's Annual Sale to get some veggie starts and some flowering plants. Came home, discovered S was up and eating some applesauce and toast. We left after dropping off the stuff we'd bought, and headed to the AlAnon meeting. TYG for the meeting--I needed it. Home after stopping by Habitat and Goodwill. Ate a good lunch of grilled cheese. Then S lay on the sofa again, and J and I headed outside to work in the garden, putting up netting around it before planting the things we'd bought, and cleaning out the coop. J's son Z came over and spent a couple of hours with his dad, and when I finally came inside again S was working on her paper.
J and I headed out again for groceries and a few other things, and were home by 5:30. By that time he was having so much pain in his wrists he took a morphine, and an hour later another one.That almost never happens, that he has enough pain to justify 2 pills. I made dinner from leftovers, and unfortunately S threw up a couple of hours later. I don't know if it was the dinner of a tuna sandwich and soup I'd given her, or whether it was the mono, but she was miserable. Poor thing... I made J a steak and cheese sandwich, and I had a piece of leftover pizza and some broccoli. Later we watched a Nicolas Cage movie called Matchstick Men, or something like that, which was good enough. Bed by 10 for all...
This morning I discovered Mother's Day ecards from my brother, and from my husband. I sent some to the moms of my granddaughters, and to my own mom. I will call her later. My one son Ja called at 8, to wish me Happy Mother's Day on his way to work-- that was sweet of him...I hope I hear from the other son. I'm lucky in that both usually do remember to call.
One more thing happened on Friday: my dad emailed me to comment on my blog which he hadn't been reading until recently, and is sending a very generous check to help out with expenses (involved with visiting mom among others). I was so amazed, once again, at his unexpected generosity and understanding. I felt like crying with relief, and gratitude. What a gift he is to me, to us-- and how deeply appreciative I am. This has eased my mind tremendously. I have a few hundred dollars in medical expenses already, and the news about the additional expense for the endoscopy was so distressing. I just figured we'd somehow manage to cover it, and maybe we'd be out of debt by the end of the year. It's funny, but when we do set up a plan to pay off various things, I still have them stewing in my mind. J is able to relax just knowing we *do* have a plan, and takes comfort in that. I wish I could get to where he is. Life would be so much easier and more enjoyable.
And this morning, I read a note from my sister, and *she* is sending a check, to help out with the next trip's expenses. I am blessed. Whatever we are going through, we are not alone.
All in HP's time, not mine. I'm grateful for that reminder. And I'm grateful for my family, far and wide, near and dear.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thursday 5/5
Cinco de Mayo, today, I think. Not that I do anything, but it's cheery to see the bright colors being displayed.
Work today is much more relaxed: yesterday was a madhouse again, because of being gone for two days, and all the crises that build up needing "URGENT ATTENTION NOW!!!" We both did the best we could, and late in the afternoon we had a chance to get caught up, personally. I explained mom's condition to her, and said I'd probably be going up more, maybe once every 4-6 weeks, maybe more often. I'd leave on a Friday, and come back Monday. I'll make sure to schedule my patients around this. BossJ is just fine with this, and is extremely supportive. So thankful that I have the friends I do.
I discovered that even though I was munching chocolate a lot while up there, I have managed to lose another pound. Yay! Maybe stress does burn off calories after all. Tomorrow is the endoscopy, and at my reminder call, the lady said all in one breath: "We've checked with your insurance company and this procedure is covered at 70% so can you bring your share of the cost it'll be approximately $250?" Holy cow. I had no idea. Of course I do not have that amount sitting around, and I said so, but that I could bring something towards it. I'll have to set up a payment plan, I guess. Sigh. One more medical bill.
I wrote in a daily journal while I was at mom's and sent the first few days' writings to my sister and J. Both were horrified at my descriptions. Conditions were both better than I expected to find, and much worse. I don't think I can write about it here, much. I will be happy to share some of these impressions if anyone wants to know, but via private email. Basically my mom now looks like my gramma, frail, trembly, sunken in eyes, hollow cheeks, huge deep dark circles under her eyes. The hair loss started while I was there, and that was a huge blow; somehow she thought the hair loss would be "minimal" as the doc had told her. I don't think he felt it necessary to go into a lot of detail...but clearly he should have told her that the patients' hair loss ranges from minimal to severe. Maybe he did, and she only heard the word "minimal"... no way to know. The CancerCare packet of info in the tote bag contained extensive information-- and if they tried to explain even half of what was in there, no wonder she couldn't remember. I dearly wish I'd known about this packet on my first day, as I would have been much better prepared for the following days. Everything she experienced was in the information provided in the tote bag-- but it all seemed brand new and unexpected to her. I have urged her to read it, all. It made me feel a lot better, to see it all clearly and simply explained. I hope she does.
I think the worse part was the physical changes I saw. It was a huge shock.
I was going to say, "in other news"...but I had to stop and think--do I have other news? Well, J finished the remodeling of the bedroom door and frame and the shelving and display area on the wall. It's all so much nicer! What a wonderful thing to come home to-- a clean and bright house. Most of the stuff on the back deck has been cleared off so that we have an unobstructed view out that sliding door of the creek and the green of the trees and fields beyond. Last night after my walk we sat out there for the first time this year, enjoying a glass of wine, and listening to the wind, the birds, the water rushing by. A beautiful afternoon.
The chickens did leave the yard yesterday afternoon for the first time, also. I kind of panicked. So J went looking for them--and they were next door wandering and scratching in their lawn. He let them be, and after dinner when it was getting darker, I looked out to the coop, and there the 3 were, standing in a circle, grooming. Phew! So now they know *to* come home on their own. J always had to track them down and bring them physically home, when Maggie was the boss. But Daisy must be a bit more savvy, as she is now the leader, and knew to come home. Each lays distinctly different looking eggs--it's so nice to be able to keep track of them that way.
I saw deer up at Mom's--several times. I saw a wild turkey the first night, as it wandered through the yard. On the drive up, I saw bighorned sheep, grazing with the deer in the Gorge along the Columbia River. And on the way home Tuesday, I saw the skinniest damn coyote I've ever seen, also along the Columbia. Oddly, the night we came home so late from the Cancer Center as I drove up the hill to her house, a huge GreatHorned Owl swooped down and flew right in front of my windshield. I've only seen one before in my life, and that was in the early 80s, over on the Coast. I hear them quite often, several times a week usually---but seeing them is something else. When I described this to J when I got home, he remembered that in NativeAmerican cultures, an Owl is considered a powerful message, Death. Hmm...
Later.
Work today is much more relaxed: yesterday was a madhouse again, because of being gone for two days, and all the crises that build up needing "URGENT ATTENTION NOW!!!" We both did the best we could, and late in the afternoon we had a chance to get caught up, personally. I explained mom's condition to her, and said I'd probably be going up more, maybe once every 4-6 weeks, maybe more often. I'd leave on a Friday, and come back Monday. I'll make sure to schedule my patients around this. BossJ is just fine with this, and is extremely supportive. So thankful that I have the friends I do.
I discovered that even though I was munching chocolate a lot while up there, I have managed to lose another pound. Yay! Maybe stress does burn off calories after all. Tomorrow is the endoscopy, and at my reminder call, the lady said all in one breath: "We've checked with your insurance company and this procedure is covered at 70% so can you bring your share of the cost it'll be approximately $250?" Holy cow. I had no idea. Of course I do not have that amount sitting around, and I said so, but that I could bring something towards it. I'll have to set up a payment plan, I guess. Sigh. One more medical bill.
I wrote in a daily journal while I was at mom's and sent the first few days' writings to my sister and J. Both were horrified at my descriptions. Conditions were both better than I expected to find, and much worse. I don't think I can write about it here, much. I will be happy to share some of these impressions if anyone wants to know, but via private email. Basically my mom now looks like my gramma, frail, trembly, sunken in eyes, hollow cheeks, huge deep dark circles under her eyes. The hair loss started while I was there, and that was a huge blow; somehow she thought the hair loss would be "minimal" as the doc had told her. I don't think he felt it necessary to go into a lot of detail...but clearly he should have told her that the patients' hair loss ranges from minimal to severe. Maybe he did, and she only heard the word "minimal"... no way to know. The CancerCare packet of info in the tote bag contained extensive information-- and if they tried to explain even half of what was in there, no wonder she couldn't remember. I dearly wish I'd known about this packet on my first day, as I would have been much better prepared for the following days. Everything she experienced was in the information provided in the tote bag-- but it all seemed brand new and unexpected to her. I have urged her to read it, all. It made me feel a lot better, to see it all clearly and simply explained. I hope she does.
I think the worse part was the physical changes I saw. It was a huge shock.
I was going to say, "in other news"...but I had to stop and think--do I have other news? Well, J finished the remodeling of the bedroom door and frame and the shelving and display area on the wall. It's all so much nicer! What a wonderful thing to come home to-- a clean and bright house. Most of the stuff on the back deck has been cleared off so that we have an unobstructed view out that sliding door of the creek and the green of the trees and fields beyond. Last night after my walk we sat out there for the first time this year, enjoying a glass of wine, and listening to the wind, the birds, the water rushing by. A beautiful afternoon.
The chickens did leave the yard yesterday afternoon for the first time, also. I kind of panicked. So J went looking for them--and they were next door wandering and scratching in their lawn. He let them be, and after dinner when it was getting darker, I looked out to the coop, and there the 3 were, standing in a circle, grooming. Phew! So now they know *to* come home on their own. J always had to track them down and bring them physically home, when Maggie was the boss. But Daisy must be a bit more savvy, as she is now the leader, and knew to come home. Each lays distinctly different looking eggs--it's so nice to be able to keep track of them that way.
I saw deer up at Mom's--several times. I saw a wild turkey the first night, as it wandered through the yard. On the drive up, I saw bighorned sheep, grazing with the deer in the Gorge along the Columbia River. And on the way home Tuesday, I saw the skinniest damn coyote I've ever seen, also along the Columbia. Oddly, the night we came home so late from the Cancer Center as I drove up the hill to her house, a huge GreatHorned Owl swooped down and flew right in front of my windshield. I've only seen one before in my life, and that was in the early 80s, over on the Coast. I hear them quite often, several times a week usually---but seeing them is something else. When I described this to J when I got home, he remembered that in NativeAmerican cultures, an Owl is considered a powerful message, Death. Hmm...
Later.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, 3:30
I'm sitting with mom in the chemo suite, as she is snoozing. She is receiving the infusion, and utterly exhausted. I've not had access to the Internet since I left, and have missed my blog terrribly! I've been keeping a log slash journal on what happens each day; I wake early and go let the goats out of the barn, and then have my tea while I'm writing.
So much information, so much emotion, such a whirlwind. I can't even begin to explain how drained I feel---and I'm not even the one *with* cancer. I can't imagine how a 75year old woman can deal with this on her own, yet she is. She has aged a lot. She has a number of moles and skin problems, raised areas of roughness that she says are not malignant. She has lost more teeth. She is small, and today has lost 3 more pounds since last Monday's weigh in--she is at 139. She has shrunken, her eyes are hollowed, her cheekbones are sharp, the bags under her eyes are deep and dark. I've never ever seen her look so ill. I was scared when I first saw her, and was pretty sure she was actively dying. She could barely speak, as some kind of laryngitis or hoarseness had hit her, and has been a problem most of my visit. This could, or could not be, a side effect of the chemo. She barely eats, yet seems hungry. She has extreme pain, and fatigue, and no strength. Yet even as I write that, I remember last night I could not pick up a 5gallon bucket filled with water to bring to the chicken coop, and she could. She brought that over, and dealt with the chickens; first time in 4 days, true, but she did it.
Yet over the days, as she takes the pain pills and inhaler and other supplements as scheduled, she is beginning to look a bit better. She sleeps a lot. Naps a lot. She is worried about the animals, a lot.
I've been doing the cooking and food prep, but wonder what will happen when I leave tomorrow. It seems to me she needs full-time care, or at least supervision. There is a patient advocate here at the cancer center who deals with all her medical bills, and helps her with forms to fill out for applications for various gov't programs to finance these treatments. But that person is here at the Center, not in her home. I have to figure out a way to make sure she takes her various meds on time, and that seems to be a key factor in her healing. She's very fuzzy-minded when it comes to what symptoms she has and when and what she did for them. I will have to read the Cancer Packet, myself, to get some support and clarity, and I think she needs to re-read this.
Jeez. I'm so grateful I've been able to be here. And I feel so horribly sorry for her, dealing with this alone. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger?? Day by day, for sure.
So much information, so much emotion, such a whirlwind. I can't even begin to explain how drained I feel---and I'm not even the one *with* cancer. I can't imagine how a 75year old woman can deal with this on her own, yet she is. She has aged a lot. She has a number of moles and skin problems, raised areas of roughness that she says are not malignant. She has lost more teeth. She is small, and today has lost 3 more pounds since last Monday's weigh in--she is at 139. She has shrunken, her eyes are hollowed, her cheekbones are sharp, the bags under her eyes are deep and dark. I've never ever seen her look so ill. I was scared when I first saw her, and was pretty sure she was actively dying. She could barely speak, as some kind of laryngitis or hoarseness had hit her, and has been a problem most of my visit. This could, or could not be, a side effect of the chemo. She barely eats, yet seems hungry. She has extreme pain, and fatigue, and no strength. Yet even as I write that, I remember last night I could not pick up a 5gallon bucket filled with water to bring to the chicken coop, and she could. She brought that over, and dealt with the chickens; first time in 4 days, true, but she did it.
Yet over the days, as she takes the pain pills and inhaler and other supplements as scheduled, she is beginning to look a bit better. She sleeps a lot. Naps a lot. She is worried about the animals, a lot.
I've been doing the cooking and food prep, but wonder what will happen when I leave tomorrow. It seems to me she needs full-time care, or at least supervision. There is a patient advocate here at the cancer center who deals with all her medical bills, and helps her with forms to fill out for applications for various gov't programs to finance these treatments. But that person is here at the Center, not in her home. I have to figure out a way to make sure she takes her various meds on time, and that seems to be a key factor in her healing. She's very fuzzy-minded when it comes to what symptoms she has and when and what she did for them. I will have to read the Cancer Packet, myself, to get some support and clarity, and I think she needs to re-read this.
Jeez. I'm so grateful I've been able to be here. And I feel so horribly sorry for her, dealing with this alone. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger?? Day by day, for sure.
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