Sunday

 This week was loaded with mostly good things. We are closing in on the end of this year 2024, for which I am very grateful. Most difficult, most sad, most challenging of my life.

Monday MissS came over and we ran out to Publix for some ingredients for the recipes I was making, and we watched White Christmas, a tradition. It was skipped last year, for some reason, and felt good to resume this. Some sense of  normalcy, maybe.

Tuesday morning I did house chores, and bathed Missy. Later Kit and MissS came and picked me up with all our stuff for Bro and SIL; they hosted a lovely finger-food, small-snacks-type dinner, with lots of talking and laughing and  wine and bubbles. It was a different  Christmas Eve, and very much appreciated.  I think we were all gone by 7:30 or so and I got into my pjs at home and just sat, thinking and remembering, with some Christmas movie on that I was glancing at occasionally. 

Wednesday, Christmas morning. Quiet, walked Missy around the neighborhood. Texted friends, Kit and MissS showed up at noon-ish. We three opened presents-- MissS gave me a beautiful pair of soft lounge pants I had on my wish list, and an ornament featuring the two Chows and the two Havanese, three of them with wings. It made me cry. She also gave me some Angel and Phelps chocolate, and they both had made a sweet wooden frame with shells glued on; I have inserted a photo of me and J kissing, which is one of my favorites. 

I gave them cash toward the cost of a National Park Pass, and an embroidery I did of a shell, and  the chocolate orange, a tradition. The "big" gift was an indoor s'mores maker, which I discovered by accident was something they would love. And it was a big hit.

Then we left for Sis and BIL's house; Kit was a sweetheart and dropped off the plate of cookies I had for Chris and Melissa. Missy was invited too, so we rode in style up to their house, and the afternoon which followed was so nice, relaxed, emotional, and yet  calm. I felt sad at moments, of course. 

I miss J's voice, so damn much.

We had a wonderful pork roast, and sides were squash, glazed carrots, rolls, deviled eggs, and other treats. There was pie and cookies and chocolates for desserts.

Opening presents was the emotional part: Bro and SIL had put together a calendar for Dad, with photos of his Vermont home, and family birthdays listed. He actually broke down and cried. It was a wonderful idea of theirs, and  a huge hit. 

BIL's grown kids were there, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, so that was nice. Chris thanked me sincerely for the remote control airplanes, and I told him I was happy he  wanted them. J would have been so happy.

Sis gave Missy a fuzzy comforting blanket, which she promptly snuggled under and relaxed entirely.  

In between all this were texts from friends, and just now while writing this I remembered that I didn't hear from DrI. Hmm. First time ever that I haven't heard from him on a big holiday. I'll text him on NewYear's Day.

At home that evening, I finished contacting all of J's kids, and that was nice, remaining in touch. I did have a meltdown, which I totally expected, and frankly was surprised hadn't happened earlier. Dealing with this cold/illness/whatever, and it being the first Christmas without him, and Life being so different now--  well, it's all a very long adjustment, with bumps and valleys. 

Thursday was a day to recover and rest.  I ordered a new bed, after hours of deliberation and research, and indecision. It'll be here in two weeks.  I have conflicting feelings about  changing beds; but J and I both had noticed it was more  and more difficult to get in and out of this high-up bed, as time went by. He had actually fallen out a few times,  and it was more and more painful on my hips to climb in. I know he wouldn't mind, but it also feels like one more thread being cut to our sweet times there. 

But sometimes I think he would totally encourage me. He would want me to be comfortable, in our home, my home. And I also have worried more and more about Missy jumping down out of this big bed. She could easily hurt herself... that is the very last thing I need.

Bro and SIL came over and gave me a beautiful window hanging chime/prism. It's going to look amazing hanging in the new windows. They also gave me a big gift, of a trip, to NewEngland if I want, or wherever. I am staggered and speechless still, just thinking about it. I am not sure I can even actually do this, but it is something to think about. It was completely overwhelming. Extremely generous, thoughtful. I'm bowled over.

Friday was another quiet day: I finished my antibiotics and prednisone that day although I definitely don't feel recovered. I am much better, but not 100%. MissS came over and we watched Outlander and some HGTV. Kit joined us later and cooked dinner for us three; the mahi-mahi was absolutely perfect. We also watched Love Actually, another we hadn't gotten to last year.

Saturday was my meeting, and it was pretty special. I spoke with each of my friends, and Donna gave me a beautiful card.  I also spoke with my Sponsee that afternoon for almost an hour, getting caught up.

 I considered getting my hair cut, since the one I got two weeks ago doesn't seem  to have made any difference. But at the last minute I didn't have the emotional strength to face that ordeal, and just went home and collapsed.  I ended up having leftovers for dinner and fell into bed by 8:30.

This morning I tackled the cat boxes, easily the worst chore I have these days. UGH. My fault for ignoring it for two days. I simply cannot do that with three cats! It was a terrible process, but it's all done now, and I apologized to them, and now feel I can breathe easier. Literally.

I also had to order more filters for the purifier in the big bathroom. Each morning I smell the mold, no matter if I run the purifier all day. Disgusting. No way to fix it, but I can lift that odor temporarily. 

This week I have a  bone density scan on Tuesday, and that will be the last medical thing for the year.

New Year's Eve day is normally the day I take down all the Christmas stuff,  so that's the plan. It is so nice to have storage here in the house for that. 

I heard from Gabby,  and from Lauren, Layla's mom. That was such a blessing. Everyone is okay, just busy and not on social media that often. 

I was beginning to worry about my sons, but Nick sent some happy-family photos, and  I loved those. He actually thanked me for the money I sent. My other son I didn't hear from, so I finally messaged him two days ago  asking if he'd received it, and it was, "Oh yeah, thanks Mom". 

Well, I learned my lesson; I did send cash this year because I was just too drained to figure out actual gifts--  I won't do that again. I know better. But this year was a huge kick in the heart. I can forgive myself. It's over now.

I have a mild headache now, and need to go sit for a while. I think MissS and I will go to Michael's for some craft supplies.

TYG

Sunday

 This week was fairly quiet. Monday MissS and Kit dropped off some groceries and some cough medicine, but we stayed far apart, just in case.

Tuesday I checked again but am negative for Covid. However I had so little energy and didn't feel I could drive safely so I rescheduled my bone scan for the end of the month, and then just rested. No walk for Missy.

Wednesday I loaded up on my meds and got myself to TLI for the MRI. It turned out to be both with and without contrast, which I wasn't prepared for at all. I hate MRIs. This one wasn't ... absolutely terrible. 

But the thing I was most afraid of was that I would have a coughing fit inside the tube. That did not happen. I notice I tend to get panicky in the MRI process, so I kept repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over, and focused on my breathing. It was about 45 minutes all together. Afterwards I picked up an rx, and dropped off a return.

I also called my pulmonologist's office and explained  what was happening; I ended up with an appt for Friday morning at 9:30. I thought that would work until I rechecked on drA's appt time: 10:30, at the other end of town.

I tried to reschedule DrA's appt but he had nothing available until February! So after discussion with the nurse she grudgingly said "Just come as soon as you can after the pulmonologist appt, and I'll let him know you might be late."

That was such a relief. And then I asked my amazing sister if she could do me a favor and drive me that morning. Fortunately she was available, and happy to "be useful", as she said. 

Thursday was a recovery day, doing nothing. I did manage to change the kitties' boxes, and then trotted out Missy for a very brief walk just to the top of the road and back. After that I was drained. I think that was the lowest day: I haven't been sleeping well, or interested in food. Just water, tea, and meds. All I could manage. Lots of memories  floating around, depression, grief, sadness. 

Friday was an amazing turn around. I don't know what gods were looking out for us, but I got up and dressed at an ungodly hour, and Sis was there at 8:45. The drive to PO was smooth, there were no problems being seen, everyone was calm, concerned, and anxious to help. I left with a steroid shot, and an rx for same, and for antibiotics. And I go back in 2 weeks.

Then we headed to DrA's office; again, no traffic, peaceful drive. Not a lot of people waiting to be seen, me and Sis waited only a short time after arriving early.  I can't explain how much anxiety I had over this whole thing-- I was so worried how it would all work. And it was just perfect!

DrA was wonderful as usual. My MRI results of the hip show good news: no cancer, always my first fear. And so the numbness and tingling are from nerve compression in my hip joints. "Simple aging" is the cause; the joints are not as smooth as they were in my younger days, and the nerves are rubbing along the rough spots, as it were. 

So he prescribed an anti-inflammatory, which I am still waiting for. ( I just checked and he hasn't uploaded my visit's dictation yet, but maybe Monday I'll call and let him know I haven't heard from the pharmacy.)

In the meantime my breast exam and the labs from that day are all good. I go back in April. He didn't go into detail about the mammograms, but I am seeing the surgeon in early January, and she'll explain further if needed. I go back in six months for repeat exams. 

After leaving there, I got a text that my rx's from the pulmonologist office were ready, so we stopped and got those. And after Sis dropped me off at home, I noticed the steroid shot had kicked in big time. Amazing what a difference that one thing made. 

I had so much energy I took Missy for a long walk around the entire neighborhood.  Then I did a couple of baking projects, and crock-potted a 3-pack of YEAR-OLD chicken breasts--how did I miss seeing those before?!?  They came out absolutely perfectly, and yummy and tender, and it will feed me for at least a week.

I finished wrapping all the presents but don't dare put them under the tree. My one cat Willow is fascinated this year with the little gnomes hanging from the bottom of the tree, and with the long string of white garland wrapped around the base. She is constantly playing with it, and has even knocked over my snow globe. 

I still didn't sleep that night, just lay awake reading. Frustrating. The steroids...

Saturday I went to the meeting and brought the stones with an inspirational word on each one. Everyone took one, and  could share on that word, or on the day's reading.  I chaired at first, but halfway through I felt a coughing fit coming on from all the talking, and had to leave the room. I was gone about 15 minutes.

When I came back, I whispered to R to please finish for me, which of course he did. A first-timer leaned over to me and asked if I was okay, which was very thoughtful. I gave her the OK sign and smiled.

Afterwards I couldn't get up yet, and people came over to me, asking about the stones, sharing what word they got, what it meant to them,  very happy to keep their stone. It was a great success.  I was so pleased.

A woman came over and said she almost didn't recognize me, because it was the first time she'd seen me with hair!  She hadn't been there for quite a while.  That was funny.  Another woman had been flooded out of her house after Milton, and the night before was her first night home in her repaired house.  My friend B's wife has had a similar thing that I'm going through, but he's never gotten it. 

I really was spoiled by J, taking care of me when I was sick, or low, or worse. What a gift he was.

On the way home, a warning light came on the dashboard. I was planning on stopping to pick up a few things, but now I didn't dare. I went home and looked up the warning icon, which indicated a low tire pressure. I texted  my brother. 

Shortly after he and SIL came over and brought not only  a tire gauge for my very own, but a tire filler. Sure enough all the tires were low, but the right passenger tire was noticeably low; he filled them all, and showed me how to use the gauge.  Then we talked and visited for a while before they were off. So thankful for nearby family, once again.

I took Missy for a shorter walk. Sis and MissS and I were planning on seeing a movie, but ended up changing plans. Neither Sis or I was up for it, physically. So I did one more baking, and then rested, watching a great old movie. 

The other things that happened this week: the hose to the pool cleaner broke, so my other hero, my BIL, searched and found an extra replacement hose for me. He and I also looked at some robotic vacuums, and that might be a possibility in the near future. The advantage of those is that they are not a drain on the pool pump's filter. Right now there is dirt, silt, debris all over the bottom of the pool but it's small fine stuff: I couldn't sweep it up in my back-up net if I even wanted to. The little sucker-cleaner was doing a great job until it stopped last week. I decided to try to unwind the hose to see if I could find the problem , and as I pulled it up, it cracked and broke right at the sucker-head that runs along the floor.  Sigh. 

And Tuesday: Jason-the-neighbor with the half dead, over-hanging sweetgum tree had arranged for tree service. At 7am they all arrived. My lord, the noise and trucks and cranes with the crew all got busy, and 7 hours later that tree was gone. It was absolutely fascinating to watch. 

All I kept thinking was that J would have loved to have seen it. That whole process was riveting. The teamwork, the ropes, the shouts,  the noise of giant pieces of that old tree landing with a thunk, or being gently lowered to be chopped up. I was sad to see it go, but also very relieved. Especially after the most recent hurricane, Milton. 

There was so much wildlife involved on that tree-- the birds loved it. We are all adjusting to not seeing it there anymore, and how much sunlight there is now. What a change. 

OK, MissS is here...

TYG  and thank you for meds...

Sunday

 This is day 3 of a bad cold. It's not covid, it's just a miserable cold. Coughing, sneezing, no energy, but no fever. Today the body aches started. I'll test again tomorrow, but since I'm vaccinated and I haven't been anywhere (except on Thursday to get my haircut and to the PO to mail the cremains), I seriously doubt it could be covid.  It's just maddening. I had to miss the meeting yesterday, and that is always the high point of my week.

Last Monday I had my mammograms. Right side was fine, left side required additional imaging, but apparently the radiologist believes it's  "calcifications". It seems this finding is common among older women. I'm to go back in 6 months. 

The worst part of this process (which was about 2 hours altogether) was that I had forgotten my phone. So I was left with just my thoughts. No puzzles to occupy my mind, no phone to doomscroll, couldn't even text anyone for reassurance. I was in a rush, and that's the second time I've forgotten the phone in the rush to leave the house. Must slow down. 

Tuesday was a quiet day; I made a beef stew. MissS came over in the afternoon and we got caught up with her situation at work.  She's now off until the NewYear so that will help.

She also tried to open Zeke's urn for me. I'd struggled with it, able to remove one screw but not the other, and MissS wasn't able to either. (The smaller urn I'd ordered had finally arrived, so all I had to do was scoop out some of Zeke's ashes and transfer them to the small urn, and then close the larger one up again before shipping that  off to V.) I texted my BIL and asked if he could take a look at it, and he very graciously agreed.

Wednesday morning, I texted my brother to find out whether the clear bags he left near the trash can were for yard debris, because Wednesday is my pick-up day. When he responded with a thumbs up, I went outside to take those bags out to the curb;  wonder of wonders the garbage truck with The Claw was parked in front of the pile on my lawn!

I went to the truck driver's side of the cab and said, are you taking this pile?? She said, yep! I held up my hands in a prayer position and said Thank you, thank you so much!! She smiled, and Yes, ma'am!  She proceeded to Claw up the entire mass: all the construction stuff, the wood, the broken-down furniture, the masses of stuff J never used from the workshop,  the ruined rugs, the broken toilet, AND all the bags of yard debris; all went into the truck's bed. 

I was so grateful. If I'd had any sense I would have given her a tip, but I was floored and taken off guard. Anyway, it is all gone now. After she left, I went out and raked up the leavings, finding some broken glass. At some point I will bag all that up, but it's definitely not on my priority list feeling the way I do.

I worked on Christmas cards that afternoon, and even got some in the mail. Stamps are now 73cents each!! (I remember mailing letters with 5cent stamps. Yes, I am old. I think we even used "penny postcards" back then too, or maybe they were 3 cents...)  So my Christmas list has been thinned out; about half the people on my list never respond or even send me back a card or a text.  So I decided very carefully who I should be continuing to send cards to.

Later that day Bro and SIL came and picked up me and Missy; I also brought the urn and explained to Sis what her helpful husband was going to do. He was napping, so I didn't get to see him. We picked up Dad, and left Missy with Sis for some cuddle time.

When we brought Dad back to the house after the dinner, BIL had managed to open that thing!  I was thrilled. Seems the littlest things can make me happy these days. At home I was still awake enough to transfer some of Zeke's ashes, and close up both the small urn and the larger one going to V. I packed up the box with plenty of bubble wrap and two sweaters of J's that I thought V and A might like, along with a Christmas card. 

Thursday I did the morning chores and then headed out to mail the urn, the cremains.  To my utter shock, even though V had warned me it would be expensive (probably $30 -50, she'd said), it actually cost $101.70. 

Granted it would arrive in two days, but I didn't care about speed. I said, "Holy Cow. Is there anyway to send it cheaper??" She said "no, it's marked as priority mail."   She couldn't have cared less.  So I stuck it on the credit card.  

Later I texted V and told her what it had cost, and she was appropriately shocked also, but said she would get a check out to me in the morning. 

After that I stopped at GC and got my haircut; it's only been 6 weeks but the damn bangs grow so fast they fall in my face.  The stylist seemed to understand what I wanted, but after I left and looked in the car mirror, she hadn't done what I asked her to with the bangs, although they are less in-my-face than before. So I'm puzzled. I'll try the other shop next time.

I finished my Christmas cards, and got them out in the mail. Done!

Friday I woke up feeling pretty awful. I'd noticed a dragging, "coming down with a cold" feeling on Thursday, but hoped for the best. However, this is a real cold: congestion and coughing and sneezing, no energy at all, no appetite. I drank tea with honey, and water, and dosed myself with daytime cough meds. I didn't do anything. Couldn't even walk Missy. I watched TV, and old movies. I embroidered when I felt up to it.

Friday was also the day Marc from HD came at 11am to do the final measurements on each of the windows, and explained the sequence of events. It looks like I'll be getting the windows late Feb/early March. He was very nice, and did a great job explaining everything. 

Saturday was more of the same:  no Meeting, no energy, no fever,  no appetite; coughing, sneezing, congestion. The cough is the worst-- it's dry, but it feels like there is gunk in there which I can't get up. It hurts to cough, but I think that's because I am coughing so hard. Ugh.

I made plain pasta for dinner last night, and had leftover stew the night before. Last night also I finally finished the 10-year series I'd been binge-watching for weeks, so I am starting a new one. Today I'll probably watch LOTR. 

I got a notice that YouTubeTV is raising their rates starting next month to  another $10 on top of what I am already paying.  My SS income money is going up a mere 2.5%, which works out to about $15 more each month. Ridiculous.  Of course I remind myself I can always drop YouTubeTV.

And if I could get TCM by itself I would. I really don't watch anything else on YouTubeTV. They make a big deal over how many channels they offer, but 3/4 of them are sports channels or news. Nothing I am interested in. 

Argh. Well, in a few days I'll be feeling better. 

Tuesday I have my Dexa scan, and Wednesday the MRI of my hip/pelvis. And Friday I see DrA for a routine 3month follow up.

The only thing that has made me laugh this morning is my big cat's butt. He was walking past me, tail straight up, outside on the pool deck, and I noticed something shiny: I bent down and there was a long piece of tinsel!!  I got ahold of it quickly and tried to pull it out, but he jerked away so fast it slipped out of my hand. He seems fine, but definitely doesn't want me messing with his butt area! 

I had to laugh--but I'll be keeping an eye on him too. I have only a few strands on my tree this year, but somehow he's been eating it...

TYG

Sunday

Home from watching The Nutcracker ballet, with Sis and MissS. It was wonderful, and this production I think was better than last year's.  More colorful, more variety. 

Last Monday was the day I started decorating in  the house, and I finished that this evening. I also called the garbage company to complain about the damn tag left on the giant debris pile on my lawn. Fortunately the young man who answered was calm and sincere and took all kinds of notes, and promised to pass that along to the superiors. And indeed, the next day, someone from the company in a white truck came by and took photos.  I don't know what happens next.

Also my bug guy, Edwin I think it is, came by and re-attacked the areas I was still seeing those little critters. I am in general very pleased with what he's been able to accomplish.

Tuesday morning I tried cleaning the mudroom. This time I used what are known as "magic erasers"--and why the heck no one has told me about these before I do not know. What a difference!  I'm actually looking forward to using them again. 

In the afternoon BIL and Joe from HD came over, took measurements on the windows, and to make a very long story short, BIL ended up putting more than $13000+ on his own HD credit card, because they wouldn't increase the credit limit on my card.  (This involved multiple phone calls between the three of us vs HD and Citibank, and took almost 2 and half hours all together.) 

I have no idea why I was turned down: my credit rating is excellent. They said they will send a letter explaining why. Thankfully BIL was generous enough to want to help, so we can get this done for the entire house. I will of course be paying him back when the final amounts are settled, as far as the MySafeFloridaHome program goes.

After the window stuff, BIL and I opened all the boxes I had ready for Brand, and looked for the plane parts that were needed (since BIL's son will be taking the planes), and then we taped them all up again.

The next day I worked again on finding all the papers related to HD, and figured out bills.Then in the afternoon I went to the UPS website and worked on trying to get the labels printed. That took quite a while, as it is not a user-friendly website. I managed to get the three heaviest boxes ready, and UPS came and got them around 5.

Thursday I hit the CityThrift store and dropped off some clothes, went to the USPS for a box to mail the cremains in, ordered a new small urn since the one I'd ordered was apparently lost, and packed up 5 more boxes for UPS, which were all picked up at 4:30.

Friday was Eleven Weeks. I took the cats to the groomer for their nail trims, picked up groceries at WalMart, did a load of laundry. I did cleaning, and looked through more boxes.

Saturday morning, the meeting. I brought Missy with me, which she enjoyed. I did share a bit of what I'd been going through, and cried, and afterwards people came up to me and gave me hugs.  Then right after that  we drove up to Sis' house for a couple of hours of talking, catching up. Cried there too. Sigh.

Back at home I desperately wanted a nap but didn't dare. Instead I tried to keep busy. I found things to do. Every day I took Missy for a walk,  and that was good for both of us.

Later I drove to Bro and SIL's house for dinner. That was so nice, too. Their house is beautifully decorated, and the dinner was so pretty.

The next day, Sunday, they even came over and did some major pruning outside in front. The weather was perfect for outdoor work, and they did so much!  The front of the house looks cared for and bright and sunny. What a difference.

So Monday morning I have my mammograms. Gulp. Wednesday I have a dexa scan, but I think I will reschedule those so I can go to dinner with Dad and Bro and SIL. And on Friday, someone else from HD is supposed to call to let me know what time he will be by, taking final measurements.

I think I will also ship off the final four boxes, and the cremains. That will close that chapter. 

I'm feeling so tired today. I'll probably go to bed early. It was a hard tough week, but it's good also to keep busy, and find projects to do. Especially with the weather being so cold. 

I am grateful for my life, no matter how hard or emotionally painful this is.

TYG

Sunday

 I will write a lot about J farther on in this post. I felt the need to try to describe him, how I saw him. 

It's been 10 weeks. It feels like he is still here, and I am waiting for him to get up and come down the hall to sit with me in the living room. Or as though he is in the workshop, banging away on some project, and he gets distracted by something and there is silence. Sometimes my mind won't stop replaying the morning he died, and I see the whole thing all over again, and again. I feel so unsettled.

Last week on Monday MissS came over in the late afternoon to help me by finishing opening the motion detector so I could insert batteries, which I'd forgotten to do. I just don't have the hand strength to unscrew little screws, even using the correct screwdriver. Fortunately, MissS does. She was able to install the batteries and then re-insert it back up on its mounting. It worked just fine. So relieved. Almost half the driveway is lit up now when it detects motion.

It was JerryJr's birthday also so I texted him; his first birthday without his Dad.  He was glad to hear from me.

That was the day MissS signed the Docusign "papers" to officially make an offer on the house. She had originally wanted this news to be kept quiet, but that didn't work out. We are all keeping our fingers crossed...

 Tuesday I returned items to Kohl's, stopped at Aldi's, did laundry, and worked on the credit app for HD, in order to get the possible new hurricane windows installed. I also learned I needed a scale to ship the boxes off to Brand, so I ordered one.

Wednesday was Amelia's birthday so I sent her birthday wishes.  I had an early morning appt at my PCP office to get the RSV shot, which was simple and painless. While I was there I had the receptionist make a copy of my FiveWishes document (my end-of-life wishes) and scan it to my chart. They have been asking me for eight years to do this. Finally it's done. Now everyone knows.

That was also the day Brand called and told me no  one in the family  really wanted the remote control airplanes after all, or the model ships.  I am shocked, but not really surprised: they would have been hellish to dismantle and pack up for shipping, not to mention expensive.  So he said I could just pass them along if I knew anyone locally, or put them out in the trash. It seems sad. But it turned out BIL's son might want them... 

MissS came over that afternoon  and we did some prep for Thanksgiving, and made final plans. Then we did more embroidery and HGTV. 

I think that was the day the ring arrived too. This is a ring I chose/created to mark J's and my life together, the past and the present and the future. It's his birthstone and mine in an eternity-style setting, with a small curve of diamonds encircling both. It  is small and delicate and means a lot to me. I think J would have loved it. I'm not sure yet what to do with J's wedding ring.

Thanksgiving was a gorgeously sunny bright day. I made a pork roast in the oven with the stuffing, and a turkey breast in the crockpot, along with the deviled eggs, and provided Publix pies. I also had made fudge the night before, and some cream cheese-and-walnut-stuffed celery. 

MissS came bringing lemonade, and brioche rolls, and two kinds of cookies; Sis came and brought her garlic-mashed potatoes and a yummy butternut squash and apple and cheese side dish. It ended up being later than planned before we all ate, which worked out well. 

Sis also did the smudging ceremony for every room in the house,  to mark the transition from E-and-J's house, to E's house. It was very emotional. At one point she asked me something about why I wanted to do this, as part of the ceremony. I had to stop and think, and am still thinking, still processing. 

I think it's because the house now represents the person I have become  after being married to J for 17 years. I want the changes I've made to reflect those transitions. It's not like this isn't J's house anymore, because I feel his spirit here daily. It's not spooky, it just is. It's comforting, actually. 

It's just that my taste wasn't necessarily his. We compromised on certain things (as far as decorating goes), and  that's how it should be. We were both happy to, and wanted to have our house reflect our shared lives. 

He did a massive amount of work here since we moved in, and I give him full and complete credit. This year, the past 6 months especially, various family members and hired workers  combined to complete the jobs left undone due to his illness. I am endlessly grateful when I look around and see the results of so many people's work and time and love.

But I live here alone now. I don't have to compromise. I can decide if certain things are important to me to live with, or not. Probably 90% of J's things are leaving, but I'm keeping the paintings, and certain other special things, the things that most say "J" to me. 

So for instance, the workshop is now dismantled, gone, except for certain tools of J's (and some new ones that BIL gave me) that BIL and Bro felt I needed for my own use.  I am now calling it the Mudroom, and it's clean and bright and organized.  It houses the kitties' powder room and feeding station, the dog's food area, household items like AC filters, back-up cleaning supplies, the recycle boxes, and the Christmas stuff. Plus a small area for my gardening supplies.

It's also holding  12-14 cardboard boxes right now which are marked for Brand. I love how different it is, and am so relieved that the  chaos is gone.  I have also re-arranged the bedroom and the sunroom a bit.  I don't think J would mind that I feel at peace with the changes. I know he would understand.

Friday was a quiet day; I think I spent it recovering, and didn't do anything special. I was exhausted and still emotional.

Saturday was the Meeting. I caught up with many people both before and after the meeting. I still cannot think of speaking without tears welling up and choking my voice, and so I am content to listen. Later MissS came over to help with Christmas decorations, the lights on the tree, etc.

What follows is my raw emotions. You can skip over.

I usually re-read my previous entry before I write, so I can get back into the mindset of what I'm doing each week, each day. As I read the last paragraph of last week's entry, I can't even just read about saying goodnight to J, without breaking into tears. 

I hate feeling so sad and lonely for him. It hurts so much. In the moment  of the breakdowns, the spells of sobbing, I try to just let myself cry it out: I think of all the generations of women before me who have lost husbands due to wars, illness, accidents, even just old age. How did they get through this??  

I mean,  I guess you do because you have to, because grief isn't going to kill me. I've never experienced grief before, seriously. This type of grief is so different, so much more. 

Losing Gramma was the worst thing I have experienced before this. I had been preparing myself in a way for a long time before the actual death, because of her Alzheimer's. Yet I couldn't bear to be there at the end. I think maybe I skipped a lot of the emotional processing of her being gone, because I never saw her at the end. She was "gone" long before, although her beautiful loving spirit was always, always there.

With J, I couldn't not be there. I wanted to be there, I needed to be there. It was like slowly walking into an ocean, knowing how much it would hurt, knowing I was going to drown, but he was already in that ocean and I couldn't let him go alone. I couldn't save him, but I couldn't let him do this alone. Oh my god, how I miss him.

Well. I will drown in my tears today. So be it. He brought so much joy, so much peace, so much gratitude and strength and patience, and wisdom and laughter, and comfort most of all. My dearest and most faithful, loyal  soul and heart. 

There was a painting of a beautiful woman wearing a long flowing gown leaning on an ancient gnarled tree. One of her hands was resting on a huge lion's head and mane, protectively lying at her feet. I wish I knew where it was. He always said that was us. 

He was born on the cusp of Cancer, the homebody, peace-loving, care-giving crab, and of Leo, the Lion with great will power, affection, drive; he was such a wonderful mixture of the two.  I find astrology absolutely fascinating, as is probably obvious, but it provides great insights, and this is how I saw him: talkative, thoughtful, sensitive, social at times, other times craving solitude, just wanting to sit near me.

Also, he was angry inside, which came from a deep trauma  at a young age (losing his mother), and always searching for a way to not feel that pain. He had so much self-knowledge, but this one conflict he struggled with always. He had nightmares almost every night of being lost, finding himself in  unfamiliar locations, with men ready to taunt him or hurt him, feeling extremely vulnerable and scared, unable to fight back.  He would wake up gasping.  Losing Zeke reawakened all the buried grief, all the terrible sadness of outliving your youngest child.

Years ago his doc gave him anti-anxiety meds which he took every night before bed. That took the  stress and fear and sadness down quite a bit, but over time he started needing/wanting more. His doc increased it just a bit, but not enough to eliminate the nightmares. Fortunately once he woke up and realized it was a dream, he was able to almost immediately fall back asleep again and  usually that dream was gone for the night.

I know he is sleeping peacefully now. 

TYG

 

Sunday

 Right at this moment I am awaiting delivery from Lowe's.

The moment I finished that sentence, the truck arrived. (Last week my dryer died, after I just went through replacing the washer. Sigh. I could get angry and frustrated but what. is. the. point. Jeez.)

Friday afternoon, after having Bro and SIL over to look at it, and confirm it wasn't going to be an "easy" fix like a simple belt, I was at that point frustrated and fed-up enough to be glad in a way that he couldn't fix it. Much easier to-- as my sister says-- "throw money at it and make the problem go away".

I did some research, and sent the links to two machines I couldn't decide between to my patient and ever-so-helpful brother. He in turn sent me a link to another dryer, almost identical but $100 cheaper. By the next morning, Saturday, I woke up knowing that one was the best option. I hit the "add to cart" button, and scheduled delivery for today, the day after I bought it.  What a blessing.

Yes, last week was also busy and challenging. Monday I wrote about already. Tuesday I was planning to get my RSV vax after discussing it with the new PCP, but I completely forgot as I left the appt.

That appt went okay; I'm not thrilled by his "bedside manner", but maybe that's because it was our first visit. Maybe both of us will relax. He certainly addressed all my needs and questions, and agreed I should get the MRI for my leg.  When I did share more info about each condition, he seemed attentive; he was asking the right questions, then verifying my thoughts and reasoning. I had told the MA that my husband had just died, and she was very sympathetic, but I forgot to mention it to the doc. We'll see.  I go back in late January after having some fasting labs done a few weeks prior.

I also found all the forms needed for BIL about the windows. So those are ready and I emailed them all to him. Thankfully he is dealing with all of it.

Wednesday was the day the dryer stopped working. I was finishing a load and nothing was all dry, but I was worried about that burning smell. I just took everything out and draped it over the shower curtain, the sofa, etc. 

I walked Missy, talked with Chris the neighbor, filled bird feeders, cleaned off the patio table, sent a death certificate to Experian for J's financial records, took down the motion detector light and in the process of reattaching it to the wood backing after changing the batteries, I noticed the actual sensor light was broken.

So that became a research project, too. I found one on Amazon, and ordered it. It was here the next day, but I discovered I didn't have the right tools to install it myself.  (This morning, Sunday, Bro and SIL came over and installed it for me, on the wooden gate. It looks awesome, and I am very grateful.)

Later on Wednesday, Bro and SIL came to pick up me and Missy; we rode up to Sis' house and picked up Dad for our dinner, and dropped off Missy for Sis to puppy-sit. It sounds like it was very helpful for both of them to spend some quiet cuddly time together. They both need it.

Dinner at the clubhouse was yummy-- I splurged and got the filet mignon. OMG. SO perfectly cooked and tasted like velvet. 

Thursday I checked on my finances-- got bills ready to pay, and figured out that I needed to open an account with UPS so I can have them come pick up all the boxes that are going to Brand. 

Dad came over for a few hours, too, which is always nice.

Friday morning I called about my MRI order, and discovered the imaging place hadn't received it, so I called my doc's office and asked them to re-send it.

Then I drove over to the Cracked Egg diner, and had brunch with my friend. I thought I'd be helping her; instead she helped me. Both of us have lost our husbands, and although hers died 6 years ago and J was only 9 weeks ago, she completely understood, and had some amazing words of wisdom and comfort. 

Every day I planned to go get the RSV shot, and every day I forgot... between chores here, and organizing boxes for packing, and walking the dog, and keeping up with outdoor stuff, and still dealing endlessly with paperwork ( even if it's online), well, it's a lot for  one person.

Friday afternoon, after Bro and SIL looked at the dryer, we had pizza and I got to finish the stuffed peppers I'd made a few nights ago. 

After they'd left, on a whim I texted one of my AlAnon friends and asked if she would be at the meeting, because I wanted to ask her to sign/witness my signature, on some health care forms. She not only wasn't going to be at the meeting, but she and her husband came right over-- they were out doing errands-- and signed/witnessed it for me right then. They are awesome...

Saturday was the meeting, where I talked with Kevin for awhile, and then with Donna, and the others. I got a carwash, and filled the tank, and did some grocery shopping, and stopped at the bank. 

At home I walked Missy, and then just read for a couple of hours before getting ready to go to Bro and SIL's for dinner. Dad and BIL and Sis also came down, and it was a great evening, great food, good conversations. 

Today MissS came over and we went to look at a house just down the street that has been for sale since July.  It's extremely nice, and even has a pool. MissS is considering making an offer.

Then we watched the return of Outlander's fabulous series,  and did our embroidery and cross stitching. We also got to talk a lot. It was great. I am so proud of her!

This week I *will* get the shot, and am hosting Thanksgiving at my house. I have been slowly cleaning, and going through J's stuff. It's so hard, and I miss him so much. It takes so much emotional energy to go through and decide what to do with each item. That emotional stuff is exhausting.

Some days are much quieter and peaceful and not so painful. Other days I feel like I'm breaking into tears at the silliest things. Reaching out each night to touch his pillow and say good night just kills me. I know he's not there--- but maybe he is, still. I just cannot bear it that he isn't there.  So I have to say good night, and "See you on the wind".

Thank you, HP: for my animals, and their loving, funny, spirited demands. They are a great distraction, and a great comfort.

TYG

Monday

 Somehow I lost a day: yesterday morning I slept later than I'd planned, and by the time I was up and moving, ate breakfast, etc, it was too late to start writing; Bro and SIL arrived to mow the lawn and do the weed-eating. 

He also dragged out to the big pile a rug I'd had in the kitchen for years. One of the side effects of doing deep cleaning is discovering (after the light bulbs were changed and the room was so much brighter!) there were stains on that rug. I've tried cleaning it, doing the rug scrubbing a couple of times, but nothing takes those out. So it's gone to the curb along with the rest of the trash and junk and house/workshop clean out.

And actually that pile has been there now for 5 weeks, ever since the hurricane. I called the City this morning, and a very nice woman confirmed my address and looked it up, learning that the workers are still in the process of cleaning up those trash piles. Seven days a week. So she said she will notify them, since it appears that no one else in my neighborhood has this amount of trash. Maybe they overlooked me?? I don't know, but she said they would be out "soon". 

So, last Monday was a good day. The plumber arrived at 11, and  after checking out all the same things BIL had done, he announced it was just old, and needed replacing. He also said something about a flap not working correctly.  

He did some research on replacement thrones,  and I did too, asking him specifically if the toilet I found on the HD site (for $179) would work, and after confirming measurements he said yes. So he left, telling me they would send an estimate of the cost to replace the toilet (using either mine or one they chose)  via an email.

I ordered the replacement toilet I had seen at HD and arranged to pick it up that day. By then the estimate arrived: $963 to replace it, remove the old one, and the two replacement parts. This estimate had a button below it on the  screen, and after I read and re-read this information, the button was saying "Accept Estimate", waiting for me to hit it.

Thank the gods my brain was suddenly working again and I texted my sister asking if she could call me when she was free.  She called, I told her what was happening, and she spoke with BIL, and in the end she /he offered him to come Saturday morning and do the job.  SO relieved.  I hit reply on the estimate and explained I damn well  couldn't afford that and would have to find another way. That was the end of that. 

MissS was off work and so was Kit, so later in the day they came over and we all drove to HD and loaded up the toilet, and at home again he emptied  out the gutters for me! Then he cleaned up and made dinner for the three of us. What an... interesting and challenging... day. And it was so sweet of them to come and help. That gutter job has been on my mind for weeks now.

I'd also called HD to change the name on the  charge account to my own. And that of course turned into a long conversation. HD transferred me to Citibank, since they handle the financing of HD's credit card. Long story short: The account in his name was cancelled. I am to make no more payments. In a 4-6 week period of time I will receive a letter officially  explaining the account was cancelled due to him being deceased (Lord, I hate that word), and in her words, if I owe any money on the windows at that point the letter will explain what happens next. I was so confused. How could I not owe any money! I've only made 4 payments and the bill is roughly $11K!?  

However, Saturday afternoon BIL explained it was all connected to the MyFLHome program. He says if I was accepted into the program then the money is there and it might just be applied to my balance.  I had read that the program had run out of money even if you had been accepted, so I am confused.

 So now, BIL will call Joe, the person in charge of this (fortunately for me) for both BIL and me-- we both got approved for the replacement hurricane windows months ago.  Joe will schedule the state inspection. After that I've forgotten what BIL said.  The state inspector approves the install job and then... I don't know what happens.

The short story is I might not need to pay any more on this bill. I am afraid to believe this. Sounds too good to be true.

Tuesday, I added MissS to my SCCU account, just in case  I lose my mind, and/or my ability to manage my own funds. That is such a relief too. 

Then I headed out to my appt in NSB with my infectious disease doc. Halfway there I realized I'd forgotten my phone... too late to go back home and get it, so I just hoped I would remember how to find the Corkscrew Restaurant, where Bro and SIL had invited me to join them at his birthday lunch.

At the dr's office, I waited what seemed like a long time, just sitting there with my thoughts, and no phone. When I finally saw DrReba, she seemed pleased with how I am doing, and said there were some crackles in my lung still, but that she didn't see the need to put me on antibiotics at this point. She even said I can follow up with DrZack and  not schedule another appt with her unless this worsens.  Now, I love her, but I am also very happy not to have to see her again!

I told Nikki-the-nurse that I was to meet someone at that restaurant and asked if she knew where it was. She found someone in the office who did know, and he came in and gave me very explicit directions, quite simple actually; I turned left out of the parking lot, drove two blocks to Canal, turned right, and at the next corner there was the restaurant on the opposite side. 

Even better, Bro and SIL were also just arriving. It was a great lunch,  and I'd brought a card and cookies for him, and it was a perfect day to sit outside and enjoy the breeze and the sun. It was a real gift.

Then I drove back to pick up my rx, and got my flu shot, and went home. Missy was frantic with excitement as usual, so before I could even change, I took her for a walk around the block, and by that time she had calmed down quite a bit.

Wednesday morning I decided I couldn't put off the kitchen wall painting anymore. So I did it. I think it came out pretty well. I realized too late  I should have probably sanded off some of the spackle, but I forgot... Oh well. It  looks fine.

Thursday I spoke with Brand and Veronica. Brand has now sent me a money order, so I'll take some boxes to the UPS store and ship as many as I can with however much he has sent.

V meanwhile was quite a handful to talk to: very animated, explaining what she'd been doing, and Mathias is starting kindergarten this year so she was explaining the problems with the school system. It sounds to me like she might get involved in politics either at the school or local level. I'd forgotten her major was political science, and she has a very firm grasp on what she thinks!

She repeated that she wants the urn with Zeke's ashes, telling me the Federal regulations about shipping cremains. However, I've talked to a few people since then, and I think I am not going that route; I will wrap everything --  Zeke's urn and both the keepsake urns for her and Amelia--carefully, and then wrap two of J's very nice sweaters that I think they would like around the bubble wrap, and then ship all that directly to her, via certified or registered mail, something that requires a signature. I didn't tell her that though, I'm just going to do it.

Friday morning I went to the Chase bank to see if I needed to remove J's name from the account, but Brian there explained it was best to wait at least six months, just in case of any legal or monetary issues. He did scan the death certificate, so even though they hadn't been officially notified by the govt or the SS office, they do know now.

Then I didn't bother going to the SCCU, figuring it would be the same there.  

I returned the wrong package of light bulbs to HD, and researched and ordered a new rug for the kitchen. It was less than $100, I think it was $75. I hope it's as nice as  the picture indicates.

Saturday I went to the meeting, and was feeling much better. We met in the small storage room, and there was a lot of laughter. Back at home I arrived just in time to see BIL finishing the installation of the cat door! That was exciting. Two days later they are still struggling with it, although BIL's idea of using tape to hold the flap open until they get used to it works, somewhat. There is so much activity that I've had to replace the tape a couple of times. 

And then Dad arrived at noon and we all talked etc, and BIL was working on the replacement throne for the rest of the afternoon-- I think  it was almost 4:30 when he left. What a gift he is!! I was and am so grateful for my family.  My sister found a prince. 

Sunday MissS didn't come over, as she wasn't feeling well.  So after Bro and SIL finished the lawn work, I decided I would take the day "off" and just watched a couple of movies and did my embroidery; I've finished the blue owl I was working on, and have started the Nutcracker. 

Just around the time I finished one movie and fed the cats, I thought, what should I make for dinner?  And right then MissS texted, asking me if Id like to join them for dinner!  So I did!  We met at BJ's and although MissS was given an overcooked dinner, Kit and I liked ours; there was so much I brought it home for today.  It was so nice to get out, and even though I don't like driving at night, the roads were brightly lit and I managed. 

I had left the TV on and the lights on, hoping Missy would be comforted by the noise. I don't know if she barked a lot, but I took her for a walk around the block when I got home. It was a lovely evening, beautiful stars, a gigantic moon, no one outside except me and Missy.

This week I will meet my new PCP; I sure hope I like him.  I have a lot of anxiety over this. Between lung issues, and hip issues on both sides, and the past breast cancer, and all the emotional pain this year I feel I am a  mess in many ways.

Wednesday afternoon Bro and SIL will bring me up to have dinner with them and Dad.  And Friday my friend N and I are having brunch.

I'm planning on mopping this kitchen floor this week, and changing the batteries in the motion detector light; they seem pretty dim and maybe that will brighten up with new batteries. And of course I'll be packing up boxes. And of course there's always paperwork.

Various chores seem to appear at random, so I'm sure I'll be doing other things too. I didn't cry as much this week, but sometimes the fact of my being Alone hits me pretty hard. I miss J's voice so much, and his sheer presence. Eight weeks. It seems a lifetime ago.

TYG, even so.

Sunday

 This was a terrible week in general. So many bad things happened.  And kept happening. I feel like shaking my fist at God and yelling--what the hell are you thinking!?

First of course was Daylight Savings Time ending, so clocks got turned back. Personally I like it better this way. MissS came over for the afternoon and told me OldTymePottery is closing so we went there. Each of us found home decor or little things like that we wanted. At home I made stew for dinner: I don't know what I did wrong but the meat was so chewy, not at all tender. 

Monday was Rob's birthday so I texted him. I did some plant pruning on the pool deck, took Missy for her walk, made an apple crumble dessert,  got groceries at Aldi, returned the  too-big urn, and later Bro and SIL came over after work. He wanted to get the wrecked tarps out of the shed, fearing maybe the rat had decided to make a home in it. So he orchestrated that, and with SIL and he both heavily gloved they dragged it out to the curb. 

Just as they had arrived I'd decided to drag the old kitchen table (which J had been using as a work bench) out to the curb, since the leg was off-balance. Unfortunately there was a marble slab on the table too; as I tilted the table the slab suddenly came sliding toward me with something ooey and gooey encouraging the slippage. They were both anxious to help with that and eventually it all got added to the enlarging pile out by the curb. SO thankful for them.

Tuesday was election day. I visited the utilities office to bring the death certificate as proof of J's passing, so I could get the bill changed to my name. I also spoke with Spectrum to do the same.  This week I plan to contact Home Depot to try the change the cc to my name, since I am sending them a huge chunk of money every month for the windows.

MissS took the afternoon off, and we both headed to the beach at Ponce  where I haven't been in months and months. It was so nice to just walk, stroll, listening to the waves and the birds. She was disappointed we didn't find any shells, or the little beach bunnies, but as we were leaving a couple hours later someone at the stairs pointed out a (protected) gopher tortoise moving around his burrow outside in the sand. That was cool.

Neither of us wanted to watch the news or the endless election coverage. She left before dinner I think, and I watched a movie and then went to bed.

Wednesday morning I checked my phone for the results and was stunned to see the bad one's name.  Then of course I had to check the news sites to see what the hell had happened. Later that day KH spoke at Howard U, a concession speech, with tearful young people crying openly. That set me off in tears too.

To keep busy, I took down the shower curtain, cleaned the bathroom rugs and then the bathroom, washed everything including the sheets, changed out the light bulbs in the kitchen, and made cookies. I am trying to take Missy for a walk every day, but some days I just don't have it in me. She is a forgiving little thing, thankfully.

Thursday Dad was planning to arrive at 11, but his car's check-up took much less time than he'd thought, so he arrived at 9:45! I was barely awake and moving, but we had a good visit. 

I had discovered before he got there that the small bathroom's toilet was clogged, probably with tp. I had tried the plunger routine, and tried the Dawn/hot water routine.  Nothing was working. Thank the gods I have another bathroom.

I texted Bro and BIL, and BIL then planned to come over the next morning.  Dad left around 2, and then I headed out to HomeDepot for paint and more light bulbs. As I got in the car to head home, it wouldn't start. All the lights lit up, but the car wouldn't start. I waited a few minutes, tried again, still nothing. I was frantically thinking how to handle this, but I was scared. I called Bro and left a message saying I was in the HD parking lot, stranded, not sure what to do.

I tried the car again, and this time it started; I left it running and called Bro back and this time he answered (they were in their car driving to Target), and I explained, asking if it was safe to drive. He reassured me it was safe, just not to turn it off until I got home.  So that's what I did.

Back at home I texted him to let him know I got home.  I unearthed the paperwork for the interior pipework coverage for the possibility of major repairs,  and then I don't remember exactly what, but BIL reassured me he would look at the car too, the next morning.

Friday around noon he arrived. Long story short the plunging didn't work, and the snake didn't work, but he'd checked the pipework and felt that the clog was somewhere between the toilet and the clean-out pipe. So after he left I called the Home Serve people and explained the story to three different people before they agreed to have the plumber call me to set up a time. When they did, it was for Monday morning between 9 and 1pm. Sigh.

The car was another story: BIL cleaned off the battery terminals, and checked the oil, and I filled the window washer fluid. We still had trouble starting it, so he asked if I wanted to take it to the car repair place and he would then be able to bring me home before he left to catch his plane (he was going to Wisconsin that afternoon). That's what we did; dropped it off at 4Boys, and then I waited for them to call me with an estimate. When they did it was after 3. And it was the battery: the voltage tested fine when BIL checked it, but when the mechanic checked it, it dropped drastically after a minute or so. 

Almost $200 later, MissS came to pick me up and bring me there to pick it up. She stayed for dinner, and we looked at her cross-stitching, watched Friends, etc.

Saturday one of my dearest friends had come home from France, and she was at the meeting-- so happy to see her. K was there also, and after the meeting I ended up giving him a card I made, some cookies, and the glass figure type thing J had given me with the ship engraved inside. 

 My friend D was there, who had lost her daughter the same day J passed, so we shared some of the mutual grief we were feeling. It's always wonderful to feel such support and love. 

The bad news is that JudyW, who suddenly had been rushed to Mayo for kidney failure earlier that week didn't make it; she died. Quite unexpected. Her service is next Saturday at the 10, the same time the meeting is. Damn it.

Afterwards I got groceries, tackled the bathtubs in both bathrooms, did the cat box clean-out, and then moved the ashes into all the keepsake urns. That was very emotional.  J's new urn also arrived: it's wooden, also with a Tree of Life engraved on it, in a heart shape. It's much like Zeke's urn but larger. 

I gave MissS her urn today. And I'll try to track down Brand tomorrow. I need to find out whether and how he wants these shipped... BIL does have long cardboard boxes for the planes.

Tuesday I have my 3month followup with my infectious disease doc. I have been having a bit more coughing, as in more frequent coughing spells. But no other symptoms.

Tuesday is also my brother's birthday. 

I plan to get my flu vax this week. I somehow failed to document exactly when I got my Covid vax but I think it was either just before or just after the hurricane, which was a month ago. I might be able to look it up in my medical records online, though. So it's safe for me to get the flu vax now.

I felt this was a horrible and very stressful week when I first started writing. Now that it is Sunday night and I've had time to process it some more, and talk with my friends, I do see the blessings, the silver linings. It wasn't all bad. 

It felt incredibly stressful. At times I do feel the election results were the worst news ever, and more, they were scary. No one knows what will happen in the next year, much less the next 4 years. I don't go into this with any kind of confidence, only with the idea that as long as I can I will stay huddled in my home.  I have to believe that things are happening behind the scenes that I know nothing about, that will protect us. 

I am incredibly grateful for my family and friends, so close by.

TYG

Sunday

 An incredible week. 

Monday my friend G did arrive shortly after 11, and he went right to work. He did so very carefully, and was so much like J, explaining exactly what he was doing, and  sharing experiences of the past. He's a very nice man, even if he is a fan of 45. (We don't talk politics ever, so it's easy to overlook that part; if I didn't know, I would never have guessed.) The wall is now empty, he dragged all the shelves out to the construction pile, then he was off.  Just yesterday I did the spackling. I will find some paint tomorrow I think, and then try that.

Later that day my Sponsee called, and we talked for about a half hour. She and her husband are not coming to FL for a visit after all, due to all the cleanup and reconstruction happening around here. But she did invite me to think seriously about coming for a visit.  And I will think seriously: maybe next fall when the weather is cool and the colors are bright.

Tuesday Dad arrived around 11:30, and we had a great visit, talking about a lot of things. Around 1pm one of the bug guys showed up for the monthly visit (combined with a two-week follow-up on what the previous guy had done).    

Dad left around 3, and then Bro and SIL arrived to mow and weed-eat. Bro needed to get into the shed and unfortunately he saw a rat. UGH. I feel so conflicted about that. I don't want them in the shed, and yet that  shed is falling apart on the floor-- time has done its work and the floor needs to be replaced. 

In the meantime, that means there are probably ... more than one living there. Arghh... well, that is a project for cooler weather. It's still usually in the low 80s, and humid-- not ideal for working outside.

Wednesday I  had a followup with my GI/NP to continue on the meds for the colitis, discovered during the colonoscopy. She said it's mild, so that when I have finished another month's worth, I won't need it anymore.  With my other issue, if it returns I need to come back to see her, and we'd discuss allergy testing, blood testing, etc.

She said sometimes stress can set off one's system, and that was the magic word: I recounted everything that had happened this year,  and was reminded that just one or two of those events could cause a body's system to crash and collapse. I had multiple traumas this year, and so it's kind of no wonder that I am having physical symptoms. 

I was crying at this point, and she was so sympathetic, and tried to be reassuring. She shared that a few years prior, seven family members of hers were all diagnosed with different cancers all in one year. Talk about stress. That put mine into perspective, and I was grateful for the reminder that everyone is dealing with some terrible event. 

After that appt, I got some groceries before heading home to relax for a bit. Around 445 Bro and SIL came and got me, and we drove up to Dad's to pick him up for dinner. That was the day the claw trucks were picking up stuff on his road, but those men were nice enough to move their equipment enough to let us through to get to the house. Then Dad was seated next to me and we had to go back through the mess-- but in that short time they'd moved the truck even more and there was enough space to get through again.

Dinner was amazing. They three apparently are used to the prices these days, but again I was shocked. (This is why J and I rarely went out-- we just didn't have that amount in our budgets.) I tried to find something  inexpensive, and found fish and chips. It was just yummy-- that crust, the large portion of a nice and tender fish,  those fries, the coleslaw-- one of my favorite meals. Dad was generous enough to pay for my meal, which was a wonderful gift.  He and Bro got the special, pot roast, which was an extremely generous portion of meat and potatoes and carrots.

We saw deer on the golf course behind where we were sitting,  which apparently are common there in the evenings. But we saw none on the way to drop Dad off after dinner, and of course none on the way home via the highway. It was a great evening, and we all enjoyed it a lot.

Thursday was Halloween, not that that meant anything to me; I took Missy as I had been daily for a walk around the block, and seeing all the decorations was fun. Connie's house sold for $60K less than she had it listed for, and she was out of the house that day. The house with the pool is still available.

Later I went to get some prescriptions, and stopped in at Great Clips for a haircut; Angela was her name, and I loved what she did. That day I finished packing up J's things that are going to Brand; the only things left to pack are the boats and the planes. 

And just as I was heading for bed, my son called, a video call. I debated on answering, to be honest.  But I did, and soon I was meeting some female friend of his, and then he brought his brother in on the call, and I spoke with Amber and waved at Crimson, who was too shy to say anything to me. 

It was total chaos, just like living with them. It triggered my anxiety, but I was trying desperately to breathe, stay calm, answer various questions, respond to 4 people talking to me, etc. It was not how I had pictured when I suggested to Son1 that we talk more. Frankly he was surprised I'd answered; but it was only 7pm there, and they were getting ready to celebrate being off work. Sigh.  I tried to focus on my sons, and think of the positives. Finally it was over, and I went to bed, where I couldn't sleep for the longest time.

Friday was the six-week mark. Probably because of that I had another meltdown. Also, the urn arrived, and it was far too big, not what I had wanted. I will be returning it. I found a more appropriate one on Etsy, and ordered it.

I took Missy for a long walk, and ran  into three neighbors who wanted to talk. 

And then I decided to make myself a special dinner, a real dinner: crispy roast chicken thighs, Brussels sprouts, and rice. I absolutely loved it. So easy. Next time I have people for dinner, this is what I will make.

I went through more of J's papers, and decided to keep a few photos; but most of it is done. There are 13 boxes, not including a painting, and two airplanes and three wooden boats. I will be talking with Brand this week.

I also got a phone call notifying me  that my dentist is not accepting my insurance after Jan 1, so my appt in March was cancelled. I need to find a new dentist. Damn it.   Oh, and the people's insurance, Citizens, is once again covering me;  I had been notified they were moving me to another insurance company which would cost 20% more after February, but now that is apparently not happening after all.

But I did call Spectrum, and The Hartford, and one other I can't remember, to have the bills put in my name. Two of them also came with a price drop, with J's name off the account.That was ... nice.

Saturday I had my meeting. I spoke there for the first time in six weeks. It was a  smaller meeting than usual, and I appreciated my dear friends. I went to Kevin after the meeting and told him I had to leave but wanted to give him a hug and thanks for his share; he said, oh, okay but I have something for you.  We walked out to his car, and he opened the door and pulled out an envelope, with my name on it. There was $543 inside.

We had a long talk. I kept insisting I didn't need it, and that he was a totally thoughtful and generous soul, but I couldn't accept it. He just as calmly and softly insisted I needed to accept, that maybe this is a lesson we both need to consider, that he was grateful to be in a position to give this amount, and that maybe I could just ... accept it... from someone who'd been in a  difficult spot before and could understand. He wanted to help.

Well, tears and much astonishment and lots of gentle hugs later, I realized I was running late to meet Bro.  I did hold onto the envelope. I don't know what I will do with it. I need to think about this.  (Is it truly something I can accept with no strings, from someone who expects nothing?)

When I got home I went with Bro and SIL to the landfill to drop off hazardous household waste. What an experience! That place is staggering.

At home again,I spackled the kitchen wall. And then I decided to take Missy to the groomer's for her nail trim. Paul remembered me, the nail trim was less than 5 minutes, and cost only $10. Missy was perfectly fine with him.

I got gas for the SUV for the first time since the day before  J died... he was the one to fill it last. That was a milestone.

And then I put my feet up and read, and watched a movie, and had leftovers for dinner.  

Life is returning to some kind of normalcy, I think. 

TYG

Sunday

 It seems so odd not to have J sitting across from me, getting ready for his Zoom call with his children.  It seems odd that I am living here alone. I am still subconsciously waiting for his step, or his cough, or a phone call that I can hear his side of, or noises in the workshop indicating he is puttering. All the homey and background noises one gets used to living with someone else.

Well, it's been a better week.  Something about talking to "strangers", ie. not blood family, made the dam break and I have talked and cried with various people enough that it doesn't feel like I am unable to speak without crying anymore. Not sure that makes sense, but it's like I was too full, overflowing, and the slightest kindness or a look or a pat on my shoulder would cause the tears. 

Now I can speak about it. Indeed, my mind is still endlessly replaying that first day, and the immediate following hours. I don't enjoy that but it's hard to stop the reel.

Monday after work MissS came over the help me drag the pink kitchen cupboard out to the curb. As we were halfway to the pile,stopping every few inches, a neighbor pulled over; he and his son jumped out and insisted on helping, taking it over there for us. It was much heavier and more difficult to move than I'd expected, and so it was doubly appreciated that they took over. Very sweet of them.

Tuesday I cleaned and filled the bird feeders, moving two of them from front to back. I also tried to hook up the outside hose and clean off the pool deck, but no matter how I tried I could not get the pressure strong enough to spray it all down. Must ask Bro what I'm doing wrong.

Wednesday my replacement utility shelf arrived for the kitchen, and I got it put together all by myself. I've downsized a lot and everything fits perfectly on it. I love that it's pink steel. 

I also replaced an old shower curtain liner, and got groceries at the PO Walmart. (I did drive over to an area I'd been planning to drop off the food supplies, but I wasn't able to find a door open to get  assistance from anyone, so I decided to come home with it all and check with my former co-worker; she did enthusiastically accept those supplies for her church so I dropped all that off on Friday.)

Thursday my new-fake-vintage lamps arrived, and I got those put together. Dad was planning to come over that day but woke with a nasty cough, so he ended up resting at home. 

In fact it sounded worse the next day, so Sis took him to urgent care where he was examined and given atb's for use if symptoms worsened. Fortunately they did subside, and by Saturday morning he was much better.

Friday for me was a quiet day; I watched a lot of TV and did a lot of embroidery. I worked on my bills. MissS came over later and we discussed various sewing issues, and got caught up; I threw a pizza in the oven and we had that for dinner. 

Saturday followed a rough night, and I was awake by 4am. BIL arrived here when I'd left for my meeting, to pick up the storage unit key. He emptied it out and cleaned it up, finishing and coming back here by noon. My meeting was wonderful, and I talked with several people, feeling like I was coming out of a terrible fog.

BIL started in on organizing the work room tables, and the tool caddy, separating out what was useful and what wasn't. He'd bought me some brand new tools, and a tool bag of my own. Shortly after that Sis and Dad arrived, and the three of us headed over to Costco for Dad's hearing aid fitting; while he was doing that, she and I wandered all over the store. Mind boggling. 

Fortunately I am over the need for giant quantities of anything, not to mention not having a lot of room. So I limited myself to a bottle of ready-made margarita mix, a bottle of wine which looked tempting and had a gorgeous label, a 2 lb block of sharp cheddar for only $7, and a 3lb turkey breast which I will cook up for Thanksgiving.

Sis meanwhile found lots more to stock up on, and it was a blast staring at everything. We finished just in time for Dad's appt to be over, and wearing his new hearing aids, which made a big difference  for him. We are all so happy for him. He is feeling much better too.

Back at home we all oohed and ahhed over the amazing difference in the work room area. BIL is an ironman, just like J was. He had gotten everything done and was starting on dismantling the planes before tackling the biggest job: the work table.  The pile by the curb has grown immeasurably. 

When it was all done, all that I have left to do now is clean/mop that floor, then move the remaining table over, and organize my household supplies on it. The kitties' powder room is near the outside door, and Christmas stuff is occupying a much smaller are than I expected it would. The shopvac and two boxes of filters and the giant metal-lined wooden crate will be the only things actually on the floor now. INCREDIBLE. The difference is just mind-blowing. I love this room. I may buy a jute rug for the floor's protection...  No planes hanging in the air.  No overhead light over the workbench. I am just so thrilled with the transformation.

I think I am done. MissS is due here any minute.

My friend G will be here tomorrow to take down the kitchen shelves. 

I am so blessed. TYG

Sunday

 I really have to focus on what day it is, recently. I don't know why: maybe my brain has had to deal with too much, and I don't recall the minor things as easily. Anyway, today is Sunday, and while I usually write in the morning, Sis and BIL came over around 11 to join me in cleaning the work shop out. So they have now left and it's after 4 and I figured I better jump in writing, before I forget entirely.

Hurricane debris is scheduled to  start being picked up by the claw machines tomorrow, and it has to be separated from household debris/construction materials, and yard scraps/trees/branches. I felt completely overwhelmed looking at the workshop. J, I think it's safe to say, was somewhat of a  ... hoarder. 

Combination survivalist, hoarder, project lover, but not really organized. Oh, he tried so hard to be organized. But part of what left that room this morning and is now out on the curb was a metal filing cabinet, a wire storage unit, bags of trash (things he was keeping but we could see no use for), a few shelving units, countless pieces of various sizes of wood, trim, drywall, etc.  There's a few containers of household supplies I will keep, and that's also where the kitty boxes will go now. BIL and Sis were awesome workers; he also took the giantgenerator, and various other things.  Sis was fabulous and efficient at making decisions on whether to keep something, most of which I didn't  even know what they were. 

There was/is so much still  that they will need to come back next weekend to  disassemble part of the workbench and its (unnecessary) overhead light, two model airplanes, and review the tool-caddy thing. Some of those things I will need for my use here, and probably BIL will be able to use the rest, but Bro also might want to review things, and I have a friend who also loves old tools, who will be removing the shelves in the kitchen.

What a job that was. They were here 3 hours, and we took quite a bit to the curb for disposal, along with the stuff that got ruined in the hurricane (rugs, cardboard boxes, papers) . All the survival food he had spent so much money on is now in the SUV, so I can drop it off at the Salvation Army. And I have at least three more boxes going to J's kids.

Yesterday was  a good day, basically. I have had a rough week overall. 

Monday was the day I bathed Missy, which she needed and loved. Late in the day my new bug guy Edwin came, and was very personable, educating me on techniques he was using, making an effort to win over Missy; knew she was a Havanese, called her Havanese Royalty. What a nice guy.     

I finished putting all the CDs into my new storage bookshelf, and set my new rugs in place.

Tuesday I fell first thing, tripping over the step-up to the house. I scraped my knee badly and  bent my poor big toe backward. It turned a lovely shade of maroon,  and my knee abrasion is still gooey. I did my errands: picked up an rx, bought birdseed and got keys at Ace, got some groceries at Aldi. And at 3:30 the new washer was installed. It fit perfectly, and while it's slightly noisier it also holds a lot bigger load.

Later I took Missy for a walk as the sun was setting. As I came back up our road after rounding the block, there was my neighbor Kara pulling into her driveway, and we talked for about 10 minutes. She knew he had died and was so sorry, but actually he had never told her he had cancer, nor had he mentioned the treatments or the severe pain. She almost started crying when I shared how he had died. She wants to come to a memorial service if and when I decide to hold one.  

 It was nice to see her, since it's been several months. Her "little boy" is in college! Wow. We have lived here long enough that I remember him as a small, undersized boy, and now he is away at college on a music scholarship.

Wednesday was my "payday";  the CU is having connectivity issues, so it was a challenge to work on bills but I tried. I wished Brenda a Happy Birthday. And my indigo buntings are back!  It's only mid-October, so early for them. Normally I don't see them until November. Three pairs this time.

Thursday was Dad's official birthday.  I left a message on his cell phone. That morning I took the cats to the groomer's for the first time by myself, first time since J died. After Paul (I think that's his name) offered to take them out to the car for me when he was done, I left the money on the counter and walked out with him. I told him J had died and so it'd just be me bringing the kitties and Missy next time, and started crying. He set the cats in the car and then just enfolded me in this amazing hug.  What a sweetheart. That was only the second person, a stranger, that I had told. 

When I got back home, and got the cats re-settled,  I was in the middle of doing their cat boxes when my phone rang. It was my Sponsor, calling out of the  blue. She hadn't known about J, she was calling to check on me after the hurricane. I broke down telling her too, and we talked quite a while. She says she will try to visit here after checking on her finances. I am not going to count on this, but it sure would be amazing.  And then I got an email and a phone call that J's cremains would be being shipped that day.

The next day, Friday, was 4 weeks since J died. I'd had a horrible night, waking up crying, missing J so badly. I lay awake for  a long time.    I finally got up around 4, did the animal care, tried to go back to sleep.

I don't even remember what I was doing when there was a knock on the door. I looked out the window and saw a  dark grey car, and when I opened the door, there was a young woman with a sympathetic expression on her face, holding a box with big bright words on it: "Cremated Remains" on all sides. I had to sign for it, and as she handed me the box, she said, "I'm so sorry for your loss", and that did it. I barely got the door shut after whispering "Thank you," before I was in tears all over again. 

Somehow I guess it hadn't felt real enough, until I was holding that box. I couldn't open it. I just sat there and sobbed. I could barely look at it. I just set it on my desk and decided not to open it until I was good and ready.

I think I did a lot of embroidery that day, and watched a couple of movies; and I went to bed early.  Oh, yes: I also did a lot of baking.

Saturday was my meeting, and while I sat with my usual pal, I also made the rounds requesting hugs. After the meeting I spoke with (cried with) a few special friends. Kevin in particular just was so supportive. He listened while I cried, never taking his eyes off mine, patting me, hugging me, what a sweetheart.  We ended up walking outside afterwards and talked some more. I think I would feel comfortable actually calling him if I needed an ear. He said also that he knew I was struggling financially , and said if I needed help, he would be honored to help me. That nearly did me in.  

At home I packaged up the goodies I was bringing to Sis' for Dad's non-party to celebrate his 92nd birthday. Bro and SIL picked me and Missy up around 3:30, and we had a great time. Dinner was -- for me and Dad and BIL-- a roast done in Sis' crockpot which turned out deliciously, along with quinoa and mixed veggies and the deviled eggs I brought.

I had a meltdown shortly after arriving, so Sis kindly sat me down in the living room and let me cry on her shoulder. I keep thinking I have processed this death, and then more comes up. It's actually only been a month, so why do I think the process is done?? Of course it can't be. This was the love of my life, as she pointed out. There will never be anyone like him again. 

That part isn't so bad, honestly-- I don't want anyone else, I'm done with relationships. But the idea that I will never see him again, or hear his voice or his laugh, or be reassured by his comforting hand on mine, or a hug-- it's just so painful. 

Anyway, after that crash, again, I got another glass of wine and tried to take part in the gathering. Poor Missy was quite nervous and was either hiding behind my legs, or actually on my lap. At dinner she decided to jump up on Sis' lap and sat there the rest of the evening. Sis never got a chance to eat any of her dinner. Missy sat with her and trembled and shook. After a while she relaxed enough to fall asleep, and Sis let her remain there, not moving a muscle.  It was such a sweet picture. 

It was a very nice evening to be outside, together, enjoying the twilight and the great food and the conversation.   

At some point it was time to go, and we three packed up and loaded up into Bro and SIL's Honda, and we headed home. They helped to bring my stuff inside and we talked about the work shop plan for the next day (today), and they said they'd be happy to take me to the landfill when I was ready. So I'll contact them tomorrow to let them know I am ready; I have a bunch of stuff to take.  I didn't expect to  have so much to go.

I watched some more "Only Murders In the Building" episodes  to calm down after they left, and  fell into bed around 10. No problem getting to sleep, but again, waking up during the night multiple times, reading until I felt sleepy again, waking again some time later, etc. Over and over.  Sigh.

I paid off one credit card which had the washer and the computer on it,  and will put smaller payments on the other one, but having an $700+ credit at the utilities office really helps with that payment plan. So far so good.

I did get a notice from the SS office that they are looking into whether I am entitled to J's final payment.  I had to fill out a 2-page form, and  just give his DOB and DOD, my name and address and SS#. We'll see. If that happens, it would sure help. It would be an auto deposit into my account, so I'd be happy to take care of the remaining cc.  

I guess that brings everything up to date. I have no appts this week, so Wednesday may bring Dad here, depending on his schedule. Next week is just two appts: pest control, and GI follow up on Wednesday. I'm slowly getting caught up on the massive deep cleaning I am doing here, and then will be ready to work on the outside. 

With the work room almost transformed I feel so much better. It can actually be a room I'm not embarrassed to be entering. Usually I just felt so helpless and overwhelmed by looking at it; but I can see light at the end of the tunnel now. I have been blessed with my family. 

TYG