Sunday

Once again, a quiet Sunday morning. (The font here seems much smaller that normal, although I always select "medium" for size. The large font is a huge jump to a more readable size. Decisions!) 

J is lying down before his Zoom meeting, and the chess game with Dad. 

J had a slip type fall while trying to get out of the tub Friday evening. I had to help him get up and out, but he complained of his right below-the-rib area, which is what had hit him in the fall. I saw a small bruise the next day, but didn't see or feel anything else. Later that evening as we were going to bed, he reached for something and felt a popping there. He was instantly in agonizing pain. He couldn't move without that pain, which prevented him from doing anything. I think he might have cracked  a rib. Without going to the urgent care center (which he refused, being in too much pain to consider dressing, getting in and out of the car, waiting in a room, having an xray possibly, etc), I reviewed what symptoms he was describing and it doesn't sound like anything urgent, or emergent. So he spent the night lying still as he could. 

It wasn't a restful night. I'd given him a muscle relaxer, and a tramadol, and he had his usual lorazepam at bedtime, but he was still in major pain. He even asked for his last remaining morphine pill, which is many years old, from his previous PCP in OR, for his arthritis pain.  I didn't allow that though. I was a bit uncomfortable at the idea of the tramadol and lorazepam combination, but as it happened I was awake off and on during the night and could check on him.

The next morning was Saturday, and he was in too much pain for me to really leave him to go to my meeting. I regretfully texted someone there and said I couldn't attend, and why; he knows J and immediately sent regrets at not seeing us, and prayers for J's lessening of pain. He also told another dear friend, who also texted me with thoughts and prayers. These two are my closest buddies in the meeting. 

And he lay in bed most of the day, dozing, trying not to move, but also knowing the best thing was to do gentle stretching, and breathing. I brought him a thick soup for lunch and fed it to him. Poor guy.  He'd been planning on wrapping our most delicate plants and shrubs before the cold night (last night) but I was very worried he couldn't manage this. So I brought in all the outdoor plants that needed this protection, and God knows how cold and windy it was yesterday afternoon. It was a big project.

When I came inside, J was upright, and standing with a stoop, moving slowly around, insisting he felt better. So together we wrapped three shrubs/trees that were planted in the ground; due to the wind and cold and the difficulty  with the plant blanket material, it took well over an hour. I also refilled all the bird feeders, and as soon as we'd finished wrapping the orange tree (which is already budding and flowering) we went inside. Within minutes the birds were all over the feeders. It was wonderful to see.

For some reason I insisted on making (for the first time with this recipe) a home-made pizza using refrigerated prepared Pillsbury dough.  It came out really well, I'm proud to say.  I had to stand and chop stuff, and then make a garlic and olive oil white sauce, and prebake the dough...in other words I ended up standing far too long on top of all the other stuff I'd done that day. (Caregiving is hard!!)  

By the time it was done, I was done too. Couldn't move easily. I ended up taking a tramadol myself, and some ibuprofen. I sat down, propped myself on the sofa with the remote, and for the next few hours we watched episodes of the new Lost In Space series--we are "binge-watching". 

J had a bath, very carefully. He took those meds again before bed, and this time we both slept better.

Friday we had gone to Lowe's to buy the plant blanket material, and spoke with people to come out and give estimates on painting the kitchen tile floor. The roofers had finally arrived that morning after having to reschedule twice due to rain, and they finished the job in just over 3 hours.  Bob, the guy who was to help J with the ceiling repair, called to reschedule this for next Friday. Sigh. 

 Thursday we did a bit of grocery shopping, and did the two returns to different stores. I noticed the Disability check wasn't deposited into my checking account as they had told me it would be on this date. That puzzled me, but I didn't have the energy to call them that day. Good thing I didn't, because it was there in our mail; our mail carrier arrives between 4 and 5 most days. Who knows why they decided to mail it instead of the electronic deposit. 

Wednesday was the day of Zeke's surgery. That was a terrible nail-biting day. Due to the surgeon's previous case running over, Z's surgery didn't even get started until about 4 hours late. So we heard from J's daughter that they  had finally taken him back, and then --- an hour later another call came. This was the bad news: the surgeon had opened him up and discovered he was "full of cancer", and sewed him up again, leaving the spleen in place. 

Naturally this is not the news we wanted to hear.  No one knows yet what is going to happen. Z has an appt Tuesday with the oncologist. The surgeon was not an oncologist. 

That news sent J into a tailspin. Honestly I've never seen him this distraught. Weeping uncontrollably with grief, alternating with terrible fits of anger that the whole thing had "been mishandled".  I just let him vent, and  didn't try to correct his impression. Later when he'd calmed down I did, and then he had a better understanding of the  normal process of surgery and what happens when there is an unexpected finding. The doc did everything right: he saw it was completely different than expected, and knew removing the spleen wouldn't make sense at this time, considering how far the cancer had spread. 

So. We are waiting. J is more on an even keel now, but going through the extremely real possibility of his youngest son's death.  

On that day also, I'd had my repeat chest xray, and am waiting for the results. After  that we decided to splurge (J's payday) and went to Sonic for the first time, for a take-out lunch.  I had a bacon cheeseburger, and J had a foot-long hot dog. Tater tots and onion rings were on the side. The Best "Fast Food" EVER.  I was so impressed. It also filled us up so much we didn't eat dinner.

Monday morning  we'd woken to discover the heating in the house had failed; J called the AC company we use and they showed up around noon, and couldn't find anything wrong. It all worked just fine when he was there. And so we have no idea why it wasn't working. 

Tuesday I wrote the email to all my cousins, including a list of the books I still have from mom and Gramma, with all the family stuff. A couple of cousins want one book each, but other than that, I'm left with the books. Hmm. I cannot bear to throw them away, so I will pack and mail the books that are wanted. And keep the rest, again.

I also went online and scheduled our annual TaxAide appt. That's for February 8.

 And another "professional" came one day and gave an estimate on the floor of $500; even I think that's ridiculously low. I couldn't find any reviews on this guy's work, I couldn't find his licensing info, and I didn't get a good feeling about him. So we have another person coming tomorrow, and another one on Tuesday. 

MissS has just arrived...I feel so lucky despite stresses of life.

Sunday

Jeez, I'm  getting a late start on this today. It's after 11, and J has his weekly Zoom meeting at 11:30.  

Being discussed will be Brenda's diagnosis of Covid (despite being vaccinated and boosted), and Zeke's upcoming surgery to remove his spleen. That is very worrisome, although he apparently seems fine with this, and isn't admitting to any trepidations.  They found a tumor on the spleen at his most recent  every-3- months scan (he has melanoma, which has been treated since he was diagnosed 3 years ago), and decided this was the best way to treat it. 

He's only 31, I think, or 32. So young to be dealing with this. Jeremiah is frantic, but of course, cannot do anything except be here for him. He offered to go back there to be with Z, but actually no one "needs" him to be there.  Such a helpless feeling when your child is facing a major crisis. So he is distracted these days, and trying to think positive.

This week was mostly quiet. I had my pulmonologist appt Friday afternoon; he is "very optimistic" about my progress.  That was good to hear. He didn't seem surprised that I had had to leave my job and was on disability, and that I'd also decided to retire early.   He was smiling when he said,  "Well, at your age, this is a great option!"  He was all in favor of that in fact, partly to relieve any stress I was feeling over not being able physically to work at a full-time job. My job now is to concentrate on my health. It's amazing how much mental energy it takes to monitor my own health.

He was pleased, and said that at the end of the antibiotic treatment we would either get a sputum sample  or repeat the bronchoscopy to check on the progress. I'm not actually coughing up anything, so it looks like the bronchoscopy will have to be done, sometime in September. 

After I complained again about the serious pain in my left mid-back, I wondered if this was related to the lung issue. He doesn't want to do a CT scan of that area, but decided on an xray, so I'll do this next week. And then I'm not scheduled to see him until late May.  So, we left that appt feeling much better. Actually DrZ did seem much more relaxed and sociable at this visit.  He's a very intense personality, very focused. (Frankly, he seems so young, but I'm guessing he's in his 30s.)

J contacted the roofing company, and they are now scheduled to come out  Tuesday, which will be wonderful. To have this ongoing issue finally finally repaired--despite the godawful cost--will be a weight off both our shoulders. 

The same guy who installed our new screen door (Bob)  will come out later this week to help J with replacing the ceiling drywall in the bathroom where the leak is.  It's a huge panel and no one can do that job alone.

 We received our bill from our car insurance company: the rate has gone up $120 more each month. This is outrageous, and so we promptly started the process to find another car insurance. Friends here have suggested Farm Bureau, State Farm, and AARP.  We called our insurance agent, a broker, and are waiting to hear back. 

J spends a lot of time on the phone trying to reach people and deal with house management chores. He has also called the solar panel people, who installed the current panels; at that time they told him they occasionally had used panels, and now J thinks it would be  a good investment to add a couple more panels. Possibly the pool would stay warmer longer, and or heat up enough to use it earlier than April.

We (I!) went on a spending spree at Amazon: neither one of us wants to go in the Walmart store unless it's totally necessary, so for the first time I tried ordering everything we needed from Amazon. This was everything from pool supplies, to some food items, to batteries, to tape, my girl-stuff,  etc.  (Oh, and we decided instead of renting a rug cleaning machine, to just buy a rug scrubber; this should be arriving tomorrow. I did all the research on it, and chose one less than $100, with great reviews.  J is insisting on cleaning all the rugs more often now that I am dealing with lung issues, so this will be a godsend.)  I am so pleased I was able to get almost everything. And the big benefit is that someone will be delivering this to our house.

Coincidentally, my four (plastic/acrylic/whatever) drinking glasses all decided to splinter with little cracks this past week. So I've tossed those, and ordered new glassware!  It's kind of like Christmas, with all these packages...

And, although the hearing aid hasn't turned up, J called the hearing aid place and got into a big long discussion on replacement costs, and why the insurance won't pay for it even though he does have that as a benefit...blah blah blah. Long story short, after multiple back and forth phone calls, he told them, fine, whatever.  

And he went  to Walmart then,  because he'd seen a simpler set of non-prescribed hearing aids, for $50. I was very skeptical,  but he says they work just fine. And if they don't work or stop working, he can just return them.  So far, so good. He is pleased. 

MissS will be here any moment.  I will call Dad tomorrow, since Bro left today; first time Dad has been alone in the house since before Thanksgiving when the whole thing started.  Hard to believe it's been that long. Thank God he is well enough to be able to be alone for a few weeks. He is getting ready to pack up the house, in preparation for moving here. 

All our lives are changing!  Thank God for family support, and my AlAnon group, and for cherished friends.

TYG 

Sunday

 Well,  I don't remember what happened or if we did anything last Monday. It's not on my calendar, so it was probably a stay-at-home day.  

I think J had an eye appt, to check on whether he had glaucoma; he doesn't, so all is well.  On that same day he had a dentist appt for his cavities. That must have been Thursday.

Tuesday Sis popped in late in the afternoon just to have a quick drink, and start to "debrief" from her time in Vermont.  We made plans for her to come again the next afternoon, and have dinner too.  

On that following day, Wednesday, J found the boxes I needed to show Sis, re our grandfather's and Dad's side of the family (papers, letters, photos, mementos etc).  When she arrived, she went through everything too. 

She'd brought the medals awarded to my Grampa during his career, and it was awesome to see those. I'll keep those with the box, so Bro can see them too. Dad sent me this box in 2005, but apparently didn't tell Bro or Sis that I had the boxes of family history. There was some confusion over this which we've all now sorted out.

Wednesday was also J's and my 14th anniversary of our first date; coffee at Barnes and Noble, which turned into lunch later that day, and the beginning of the rest of our lives together. Neither of us had a card or a gift to mark the occasion, but actually we did spend some money on a much needed replacement screen door. (Some anniversary gift, hey?!)

Thursday was the dentist and eye appts; I stayed home those days, and kept my feet up as much as possible. It's been cold here, and while it's not really cold like an Oregon cold winter day, it's still cold enough for socks and layers of clothes, and the heat coming on in the house. Much cozier to stay inside and read, or putter, or find quiet desk work.

Somehow I've injured my left knee; it hurts to put pressure on, or walk on it. It feels unstable when I do walk. I think I must have twisted or pulled something when I used my foot to pull a rug into place. I am limping, and it gets worse the longer I'm upright. Today I will be resting it, and I have an Ace bandage on my left knee. 

Friday was another big day: a guy came from a roofing company to examine and give an estimate on the repair cost; it was a staggering $1900. A different company had come the day before, and estimated $1100. (Of course none of this was caused by anything the insurance would cover. Of course not.  I hate insurance companies. Grrr. )

So after much discussion and gnashing of teeth, we agreed to take money from the IRA to fund this. J has left a message with the first guy, and we'll plan on that repair. It's a bit more involved, but it will solve the problem, which was caused by the original owners here when they built an addition to this house; where they joined roofs is where the problem is.

Also on Friday, the guy who installed the replacement sliding glass door came to replace the front screen door. He'd bought the door and brought his equipment/tool truck, and spent 3 hours here. We are left with a great new door which works, and doesn't hang off-balance! It was worth taking money from savings for that--we've been planning on that for months. 

Friday morning I had a quick hair appt; this was the first time I drove alone since September. I did just fine. I wore the mask of course, and noticed most people were, although my stylist was not. I was back home in 15 minutes, shocking J. He was stressing over all the stuff happening that day, and trying to keep track of  various conversations. He had a tough day. 

And yesterday, Saturday, we were sort-of-hurrying on the way to the Meeting, stopping at Walmart first so J could run in and get some hearing aid batteries.   As we left that parking lot and headed for the Meeting, J suddenly realized he was missing a hearing aid. All hell broke loose. 

He was angry and panicked at himself, and frustrated at his own difficulty during any time we seem to be hurrying. He seemed to blame me, or be angry at me for wanting to be at the Meeting so much earlier than the official starting time; but since forever ago I have arrived at Meetings early so I can catch up with friends and get relaxed again.  This is not new for me, in other words. But because we'd had to leave home earlier than usual to stop at Walmart, he appeared to be upset at my usual plans. 

Since I was driving, I couldn't really help him while he was frantically searching his clothes, his hair, his seat,  and simultaneously verbally berating himself. When I tried to talk  him down, he explained very tight-lipped that this was "not a good time for  platitudes". Umm, okay. So I stopped talking.  I was trying not to feel defensive. This was his issue, and this has come up before, too.

Once we arrived, he saw me inside, and then decided to go back to Walmart and search. I shared with one person what was happening , as we got caught up; we were sitting together, and he hadn't been there in a couple of weeks due to his own health issues.  J later joined us halfway through the Meeting,  shaking his head: no luck.

The rest of that day was difficult on both our parts. He was very upset with himself, and stated we would not be spending any money to replace that hearing aid.  Meanwhile he was also refusing to accept that it was gone, and is still searching the driveway, the workroom, the bathroom and kitchen.  I helped as much as I could with the search.  But I am afraid it is gone. And due to the replacement cost, it is a big deal. We'll figure it out, but right now he is still processing the whole thing.

We went out to that same Walmart later to do grocery shopping. So far, no one has turned it in, if anyone found it. 

We had both calmed down somewhat by the time I realized I was hungry. He still seemed overwhelmed even after a 2 hour nap. So I decided to start dinner. I made a fabulous spaghetti , using turkey meatballs  and my own twists on the recipe. We had spinach as the veggie, and garlic toast rounds,too. It was so good; and as we ate we watched an old Robert Redford movie called Three Days of the Condor.  The ending was startling. I might have to track down the book to get more insight. 

We'd also watched Last of the Mohicans, and now I've downloaded that book and the others in the series from Amazon Kindle. It was free.  Looking forward to reading that. 

Later MissS will come over. I'm looking forward to seeing her so much--she hasn't been here in a week. She texted me to say she'd been having a rough week, but then I didn't hear from her again. 

Ok. J is just about to start his weekly Zoom call with his kids. I'm going to leave the room...

TYG

Monday

 Saturday night I didn't sleep well at all. I woke up frequently, and couldn't fall back asleep easily. By the time Sophie decided   she wanted Outside at 5:45, I just got up and took her out, and gave her her meds, and then we both went back to the bedroom. J had meanwhile woken up and decided to start his day. (He always so cheery in the morning. Drives me nuts sometimes! Seriously, I really appreciate that in him, but I am definitely not a morning person.)

So he took over the morning routine, as he always does. Feeds the dogs, dresses himself, and then he is out the door with Sophie and Missy for their walk around the neighborhood.

 Murphy usually opts to stay with me, in bed. He's an old dog, and almost never rushes anywhere. Nor can he jump up or off the bed. Only Missy still can do that, and she leaps up like a jumping bean, all bouncy like Tigger.  

And so yesterday, Sunday, I fell back asleep after J left. Didn't wake up til almost 10am.  Which threw me off my routine, leaving no time to write the blog before MissS arrived at noon.  She and I then went to Old Time Pottery, and Michael's; walking around was admittedly tiring, if also needed and appreciated. I found my replacement Sharpies pens, and she found her pillows. By evening time after she'd gone I was so sleepy I couldn't stay awake to even consider writing in the blog.

That brings me to last Monday.  I really struggle to recount the previous week: if I don't write it down in my phone's calendar, I don't remember what happened. Consulting the phone then, I see Monday was the day J took the pressure washer for a repair, and I received the notification from Mutual of Omaha that I needed to report all other sources of income now that I am on long-term disability.

 I was so surprised and disappointed to learn this, but apparently one cannot receive SS benefits simultaneously with the LTD benefit.  

What they do is subtract the amount I receive (from SS)   from  the much more generous LTD benefit, and that makes my new monthly allotment from LTD a bit over $400. Originally the monthly benefit was about $1700-something, so this is a huge loss. Seems pretty unfair.   (After a year if I am still considered disabled, they will  insist I file for SS's long term benefit program.  So a year will be September, a long way away.) 

Monday was also the welcome-to-the-family  anniversary of Missy's joining us, 7 years ago.  

And Monday was the day Sis arrived back in FL, after spending almost an entire month with Dad in Vermont. I still haven't seen her, because she's had to return to her teaching/school/work, etc. 

Meanwhile Bro and SIL drove up, arriving there last Sunday; they will be there with Dad for I  don't know how long. They are having an extreme cold spell, and that is no fun.

Tuesday J and I tackled the Polseno artwork display. We'd bought some simple and  inexpensive frames at Walmart for the 5 remaining pieces. We framed all of them, and now they are ready to hang. A week later, we are still pondering where they should go. I think we'll end up moving one large piece above the bookcase, and hanging the Polseno art in that space. I hope to do that project today. 

Wednesday, after two "good" days where  I felt closer to my old normal self, I was utterly exhausted. I slept in, and then still felt groggy most of the day. No energy, couldn't do a walk. My Sponsee called, wanting to know if I was able to discuss an issue with her, and I roused myself enough to do so. That oddly energized me a bit. Otherwise I spent the day reading on the sofa or watching TV later with J.

Thursday I did manage a walk around the whole neighborhood, with J of course. It was a lovely morning, and most people were at work, so there weren't a lot of gawkers.  After that we worked in the front yard, clearing away a debris pile left over from the yard debris; and collected a lot of small white gravel from that same pile. This we used to surround the base of the plumeria which J transplanted to the front a few weeks ago. 

It was so nice to be outside, with no sense of "rushing because  I only had a limited time to work". Being retired is so freeing.  I imagine it'd be different if I were healthy, but right now, it's such a great feeling of not having to do something. I am so damn grateful it worked out this way. It's been a tough journey to get to this point.

Friday J was on the phone most of the morning, trying to organize the screen door issues and the roof issues, waiting for call backs, with people scheduled to do estimates, etc. So I sat at my desk and spent that time doing organizing of the 2021 receipts. Deciding what should or could be shredded, and what had to be kept (medical files, or receipts from home improvement things), and then refiling those things correctly into their specific folders.  I love doing this when I know I have enough time.

It took a bit over 2 hours. I was getting up and down from my desk chair to the file cabinet, and bending down to the shred bag. I finally realized my back was hurting too badly to do anymore, so it was a good thing I was done!  I took a pain reliever and got my book, and headed for the sofa. 

Saturday we went to the Meeting, and as always it was so supportive, and I learned so much. After that we stopped by the pool store, and then Publix, and then home.  Friday's mail brought Dad's very generous check, and J had ferried it to the bank. So we splurged and got a Chinese dinner; ordered it by phone and then J ran out to pick it up which fortunately is just around the corner.  This place is considered one of the best in the area, and I totally understand why. The prices were very reasonable, and the amount of food in my cashew chicken--well, let's just say I am still enjoying those left overs. 

And other than giving Sophie and Missy their baths, it was a quiet Sunday morning, yesterday.  J is outside doing pool maintenance.  I'd like to go out and refill bird feeders, but J will likely stop me and insist he should be doing it. I'll probably wait until he takes his nap, and then go out and take care of that...

TYG

Sunday

 This is a quiet morning. Both of us are feeling sleepy. I almost never sleep well anymore, and last night was no exception. Bad dreams, flaring of the restless leg syndrome, hips aching. 

Friday I received the first SS check in the bank account. Phew!  It was for two months, November and December.  I won't get the January check until the third Wednesday in February--seems a long way off. But it's here finally, and this is what will happen every month from now on.  I wrote my Dad that it felt strange, disconcerting, to receive a govt check for doing nothing, after working my entire life for a paycheck that never stretched far enough. 

However, together, J's and my SS checks will enable us to live modestly, while continuing to make the house payment; other required monthly expenses are the Internet, the electric bill, car and life insurance, the city water and garbage bill,  the phone bill, and the monthly pest control visit.  

All of those are manageable if we continue to receive both checks. If I die first, J will get a sizeable check which will pay off the house, leaving him with about $20K. If he dies first, I'm stuck--I need to verify that I can continue to receive his SS check, but I'm not sure who to ask. Otherwise I would need to find a roommate. Ugh.

Well, I'm not going to worry about that. This week was tough, recovery wise. On two days, separated by 3 days, I walked all the way around the block, the short way, not the full mile. Right now I don't think I could do the whole mile.  But I'm feeling better today. 

Got a lot accomplished this week; had to email about 30 pages of earnings statements to Mutual of Omaha, to transition into the long- term disability portion. I got that final check from their short-term disability dept, and that caught us up.  Also I was notified on the 23rd that my SS had been approved and that I could expect the first check before the end of the year--that's the one that arrived December 31.  Once I had the official approval I contacted the rep at the Advantage plan, to start that paperwork. He said I should know by this week. 

I had to change my appt with the pulmonologist from the 7th, to the 21st; my new Advantage plan requires  a referral to the specialist office. Interestingly, the specialist office told me no, they don't need a referral. Hmm. I'll call my PCP office Monday or Tuesday to alert them to my new insurance info, and start the process for a referral to be generated.  

Monday J saw his cardiologist and got a good thumbs up. He still has the muscle ache in his right hip/butt area, but the heating pad helps.  

Friday, New Year's Eve, MissS came over again for the dinner celebration. Both of us were tired, and watched the news for a little bit, and then she left. She'd brought a bottle of sparkling cider, which tasted good. 

My good friend/former co-worker RnJ also worked her last day on Thursday. She was utterly thrilled, as I was, to make this transition to retirement; after 30-some years with that company they gave her a plaque and a small bonus.  Now she and I are gone, and another long-term person is gone; I do not know how the office is managing.  I'm just so damn glad to not wake up with the dread, tension, and resignation of needing to face that office. 

My doc keeps in touch with me, and I appreciate that.  He is an utter sweetheart. I miss him, and that's all. I did enjoy most of the patients, and the actual job--except for the constant pressure to do more and be more efficient. Impossible to do in that space, and with that female doc's rules.

Well. No plans for the coming week. We have been looking for a replacement aluminum screen door, and not having a lot of luck. If it was just the door, it'd be fine. But J doesn't feel comfortable installing this door, and so we'd have to pay someone to do it. That's where the money comes in.

There is a small possibility that I will after all receive a bonus from my former employer in March, along with everyone else who held the job in 2021. If that's true, we'd like to do both the screen door, and the painting of the kitchen floor. That last would take some time, and we'd probably have to figure out whether to go to a motel for a few days. We'll see. 

I led the AlAnon meeting yesterday, and that was good, as always. It felt like a celebration, the first day of the New Year.  

Okay, I'm going to go rest now.  I'm so grateful for J, and my family, and my Dad's astonishing recovery. 

TYG