Sunday

Again, a  very up and down week.

The big news items are that Missy's spay surgery went well, and by the next day you'd never know she'd just had "major surgery".  She remains quite skittish when you reach down to pet her or pick her up--she darts away and sometimes hides. She is incredibly fast-moving. She is like a skeeter-bug, darting all over and in different directions.  But she and Murphy sleep together, and play together, and are really bonding. It's so different having two dogs!  She is a chewer, so we have a lot of toys all over...reminds me of being a parent of young children.

And J and I had a session with a counselor yesterday: we liked her a lot and got some valuable feedback on what's going on. She gave us the names of a couple of books she recommends,  which I've now ordered from Amazon. Yesterday's session was mostly focused on me and my daughter, what's going on with us and some of the history;  and next session will be J and his daughter. There's some overlap, of course.  I'm really glad we did this.

 And that S has moved out, officially.  She got the news Wednesday morning, and needed to arrange for renter's insurance before they would give her the keys, but that got done by Friday.  Yesterday morning J and I helped with shopping for (and paying for) a bed and box-spring (for which she will pay us back half; the rest was a gift).

Then she rented a truck and emptied out her storage unit with the help of a friend. We helped unload it all in the afternoon. While she returned the truck,  J ended up making a repair on the kitchen table which the roommate had brought. It had two wobbly legs, so despite its age he was able to cobble it back together with epoxy and his screwgun and his own strength. He is such a blessing.

They have a nice townhouse. Which means there are two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, and downstairs there is a living room leading into the kitchen area which has enough room for a kitchen table. There's a patio out back, and the outlying area is a mix of  open  field and other small apartment buildings. They are right next to a railroad track (which sounds bad, but it's actually not heavily used). It's all carpeted of course, but that's pretty standard here for apartments. They allow pets which was a huge factor in choosing this place. J and I definitely approve of this place; we think she will be fine here.

We were sure exhausted even after the small amount we did do; I can't imagine how tired she must have been. Thankfully it was one of those rare sunny winter days, and it even got up to 60 degrees: a great day for a move. We just went home and I collapsed on the sofa with a heating pad on my back, some ibuprofen,  and some wine.  We watched a movie, and had a pizza for dinner.  Fell into bed around 9.  She will come over after work this morning, and pick up the rest of her laundry and her cat. 

I've had several people who know what's going on with her ask me if I think she is ready, and I can honestly say, yes, I think so. She is strong inside, and has been longing to be not living with her parents, despite the comfort of being able to do so. She does want to be decorating in her own space, and creating her own life. Being independent is going to help a lot with her depression. We are very proud of her.

That said, we're definitely going to remain as involved as she wants us to be. When we've helped her move before, she was in Eugene and we were here, an hour away.  If anything happened, it was a major effort and time involvement to drive down there. Now she will be just 10-15 minute drive away, which will really help a lot.  Not that I expect emergencies, but still-- being so close will enable us to keep an eye on her but not be literally in her space.

Work was busy on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, but  only 5 patients on Friday. And none are on the schedule for tomorrow: I kind of want to stay home but financially I need to be there; I'm just not sure what I will be actually doing tomorrow. Huh.

Then we got a notice in the mail from mom's old electric provider, called Inland Power, a cooperative.  They  again had sent a dividend check a month or so ago, and again I sent it back reminding them she had died and to please stop sending these.  This time we got a notice that she as a member of the coop had earned some monies from her shares totaling about $1700! And we were entitled to this as heirs. Of course we won't get the full amount (in fact only about half that), and  also only after I send a copy of the death certificate and a copy of the will, showing I am the heir. Huh.

So we will dig through our papers and locate said items, and see what happens. I've put all mom's papers away in the upstairs eaves somewhere, and it will be a lot easier to dig these out now that S is going to be gone. We of course have tried to stay out of the upstairs, respecting S's privacy.

My goodness. Life is a whirlwind sometimes. I think J and I are not going to do much today, except listen to the silence, and remind ourselves to breathe. It's a very foggy day, but not as warm as yesterday, only about 45 or so.  I walked this morning and really enjoy doing so in the fog; it's quiet, and muffled, and almost no one else was out there.


S is here. Off to the day.

Sunday

This week was very eventful. Monday my dad emailed me and my siblings that his wife, our stepmother, has been officially diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. She's now on meds. So sad!  Yet while the outcome is inevitable, the journey toward that point is so varied. I love Alzheimer's patients for the most part. My beloved grandmother,  the ones I met in the nursing home, the ones I met in Research, and the patients I now deal with in Neuro are all such  fascinating people. It manifests so differently in everyone.  It's truly a nondiscriminatory condition, and seems to affect the best people-- the ones whose brains were most developed for a life of helping people. Hmm.

Tuesday evening we took Missy to the vet for her first visit. She is in good condition, only 9lbs, very delicate. She looks even smaller now because of her fur having been shaved off. It's growing back quickly but even so it's going to be a good 4-6 months before we see what she will develop into.

Her right eye was running because it turns out she had a couple of eyelashes curling into her eye. The vet was able to get us into the surgeon the very next day, where they lasered the offending lashes  and they won't grown back. Now we also have some antibiotic ointment which we apply twice a day.

This afternoon we take her to the low-cost vaccinations clinic (Petco) to catch up on 4 of those, and to get her micro-chipped.  And Tuesday J will drive her out to Newport (which is the closest low-cost spay clinic), and we will get that done. He drops her off early morning, they do the surgery, and he picks her up later in the day. Meanwhile he will be either fishing or crabbing until it's time to get her.

After a busy Tuesday, J had gone to bed. I was heading there too, as it was about 9:30. S came downstairs and shared with me something she had written about depression, and how she was feeling. It was utterly terrifying. Really shook me badly. I'd had no idea how close she was to suicide.

Let's just say... I went with her to her doctor's appt the next day. I liked the doc, who paid very close attention to what S was saying, and over about 45 minutes planned out what would be happening: meds, lab work, continuing her counseling, joining a different group support with other young women, and a recheck visit in 2 weeks to increase her dosing. The doc also asked S to call her or the resident clinic 24/7 if she felt ...on the edge.  S did agree.  This whole process was very difficult, very emotional.

I had to return to work afterwards, but at home I brought J up-to-date on that , as both of us were trying to remain calm. This thing with S is all very difficult for J, as it triggers a lot of stuff he hasn't resolved yet with his own youngest daughter. This continues to be an ongoing yet intermittent thing for him. He is just in so much anxiety; thank god for lorazepam. I called our employee assistance program Friday, and this week we will start our own counseling sessions for that as well as for help with dealing with our kids.

I actually do feel more optimistic for S, and hope she does too. I think she isn't there yet; I think she is hanging on with fingernails shredding, each and every day. But I do believe she is doing everything she can, in addition to working on eating healthier foods, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, talking to her support people, writing. The doc had also suggested obtaining a light box.  People here in Oregon do suffer a higher rate of depression than almost anywhere else due to the sheer number of days with no sun. So I might browse for one myself. Some insurances even cover this cost.

Meanwhile at work I had a Neuro staff meeting on Tuesday, and then a back-office clinic-wide staff meeting on Wednesday. Both of these are mandatory, and we do learn interesting stuff. Sometimes: this month's clinical demonstration was how to use a nasopharyngeal swab to obtain samples for pertussis testing. UGH. This was difficult to watch, and it was a lunchtime meeting.  It's nothing I will ever have to do in neurology, but at some point I might be floated out to cover a different MA position...I hope to God it's not something I will need to do!

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we were very busy in Neurology, but again Monday and Friday were quite slow in PainManagement. I try to think positive, that it gives me good prep time for the upcoming week, and to help the other MAs if needed. I also spent a good two hours poring over the McKesson and OfficeMax websites, trying to anticipate what NP and I will need for the new office.

I've also re-doubled my efforts to lose weight, again. I had stopped writing everything down a few months ago because I had no time. Or so I told myself. Well, that didn't work! I've gained back 5 pounds. So I'm back to writing this all down, and back to daily exercise.

By the end of the week I am drained. We usually spend our winter weekends resting. I do my walk either alone or with S or with Murphy or J, after getting home from my AlAnon meeting.  Then we come home and change into dry clothes.

 The rest of the day is spent puttering, or reading, or cross-stitching, or drawing or coloring, while J watches history channel or the military channel;  yesterday it was a live classic car auction in Arizona. We oohed and ahhed over the stunning cars being offered. It is mindless, but lets me get out of my brain entirely. Later in the afternoon we -- er, I-- start sipping on wine and we watch the news,  and have dinner, and after that a movie.  Last night's movie was the second one in the HarryPotter series. We are going to watch all of them in order, now that I finally own all of them.

Actually yesterday S had had a craving for chicken alfredo with pasta, so we got the ingredients for that (after finding me a pair of comfortable jeans at a store I never expected to find anything in). She made most of the dinner herself, and J did his part with the sauteed wilted greens/almonds/raisins. It was a yummy dinner. And yup, I wrote down everything.

Getting ready to walk now. It's briefly not raining, so we will take advantage of this break and rush out to do our two miles.  Fortunately it's not cold, just very wet and windy.

Prayers are in my heart for all my loved ones, and for ease with their struggles. There are a few in particular who are really struggling. I'm thinking of them.

Sunday

Grrr: I had a whole paragraph started here, when the program unexpectedly shut down. Here I am starting all over.

Okay, a week of nice things.  1) I got my great-grandmother's diamond ring repaired. Somehow I had managed to hit my ring hard enough that it broke the platinum shank right through. I don't remember doing this, but in any case it was a while before I had the money to repair it, and it was such a relief to pick it up yesterday, all fixed and shiny-- oh, how it shines! It's so beautiful.

2) NP and I got to visit her new office, my station, and our 2 exam rooms Friday. They are right across the street, and due to the whole second floor of the 3-story building being remodeled, we literally have brand new facilities. The manager of the building gave us a tour and we met our new floor mates--Endocrinology and Dieticians are also in our hallway, along with support staff. I need to order my own office supplies, but the main pieces of furniture are being supplied.

It's exciting, although I am a bit concerned: In the hallway, the layout is 2 exam rooms, then a computer station, then two MD offices, and a computer station. Then 2 more exam rooms, etc. (This is on both sides of the hallway; plus there is a restroom, a shared supply room and a shared lab, connected with the next hallway over, in a giant H-shape.)

 Except the computer stations are literally in the hallway--meaning that everyone who walks in or down the hallway including patients, visitors, docs, or other staff ---sees everything we CMAs are doing on our computer. There's no privacy at all. This seems like a HIPAA violation to me. And to NP.  I don't know how this will work, but I've seen this set-up at hospitals and other medical offices. I guess it's something the company hasn't had a problem with, but it just doesn't feel right.

We don't know yet when we will be moving in, but the PainManagement doc and his CMA will be there 4 days a week and even they haven't been told when the move will occur.  NP and I will only be there Mondays and Fridays. So far we are not seeing the goal of 10 patients daily, more like 4-6 if every one shows up.

It's a very different practice. NP originally thought it might be more challenging but actually parts of it are much easier: 
We see the pts one month after their initial consult with the PainMgmt Doc, to see how well  they have adjusted to sticking with the drug contract that's been agreed on. At that visit we sometimes need to repeat the drug screen due to "inconsistent results". Then we  give them one month's worth of their prescription until the next recheck in 4 more weeks to continue evaluating their compliance.
Or we see them for their 3 month followup and give them another 3 month's worth. Simple, right?

Friday was a day with 5 patients on the schedule, and 3 of those ended up in tears. Sigh. It was disconcerting at first, but after the third one, NP and I were shaking our heads and trying to joke over how mean she was, for making them cry. Most of the patients wanted dose increases, instead of the decrease which the Dr aims for, depending on how high their dose is.

In the state of Oregon we have a huge problem with Drs over-prescribing pain meds, and many of the patients are on dosings so high that it is actually dangerous. So it becomes the Practice's goal to either maintain, or decrease their dependence. Naturally this is met with varying degrees of ...enthusiasm, or compliance.  We are learning a lot about confronting patients who...aren't telling the truth!

3) On Tuesday I came back from my lunch and in slinging my coat back onto my chair, I accidentally caught the coat on a drawer I never use.  As the drawer slid open, I saw an envelope inside with my name on it. I opened it, and there was a "retention bonus" check dated November 6.   Here it was two months later, and no one had told me either that these were issued or that they had left one for me. They were handed out on a day when I  was out  with a migraine, so I guess they just forgot to tell me.

It was nice because it was unexpected. But it was also nice because there has been some grumbling over the big fat $1500 sign on bonus offered to new CMAs upon being hired, and none of the existing CMAs felt that was exactly fair. So to kind of make up for that, we were all given $100 for each year of service, as a "retention bonus" up to the max of $1000. Of course this was taxed.  But this was given in addition to the extra $100 bonus in our December checks, and the $50 given at the Christmas lunch. Plus, the docs in Neuro were very generous.

4) The Rooster, while very protective  of his flock, has also gotten progressively noisier and more aggressive in his attitude toward us (when we enter the cage to collect eggs or clean up), and also toward two of the hens in particular.  He's also taken to crowing at all hours.  So we made the decision to remove him. Today J's son came and took him away. I think he will be dinner for them.  It's sad, but he was making life very complicated. It was either a temporary solution such as the hen saddles again, or deal with it now permanently. Goodbye, MrBig.

5) J gave me a Christmas present of having my little Honda detailed, professionally. So last Monday morning these pros came and picked up the car, and took it away, and then brought it back around 7:30 pm. I couldn't wait to see it in the day light-- and the next morning I was properly impressed. Maybe 85% of the scratches and bruises are gone, and the inside and outside are almost as good as new. It's a wonderful feeling. It makes the remaining one bigger dent and the smaller dents and scrapes much less noticeable.

Missy has adjusted pretty well. Like all puppies she is a chewer-- shoes, toys, plastic, and electrical wires all get the same attention. Today as I was typing here, suddenly there was a piercing, shrieking howl and then I heard scrabbling paws frantically trying to get out from under the table I'm sitting at.  Fortunately she is okay. The cord to the electric heater? I had no idea she'd been working on it, even, but she chewed right through it. She's damn lucky.  She is curled up on J's lap, being reassured. The heater will have to be replaced, unless J can figure out how to simply replace the cord.

She has a collar now, with a name tag. Tuesday night she has a vet appt, and we'll figure out where to take her for the spay. She scampers around  here with her tail up now, and follows Murphy devotedly. MissS's cat does not like her, and has chased her twice now to the point of Missy barking loudly in defense. I've had to chase that cat away from her , because he is bullying her.

Difficulties with MissS are surfacing. I think we are all in agreement that it's best for her to move out soonest, but apparently one cannot just choose a place and pay your deposit and move in. Most places insist on a background check, and man, do these take a looong time. Plus they cost. Hopefully she will hear back this week on the one she and her future roommate applied for.  

 I do not like being in the position of taking sides, and MissS seems to think that if I don't automatically leap to her defense, then I'm not on her side. It seems incomprehensible to her that I can see "her side", and my "husband's side", and not take sides myself. J speaks to her with respect and kindness, but he also believes in being direct. She is not used to that, and it continues to be a big adjustment for her.

He and I have now been together 8 years tomorrow, and I am still amazed at how patient, loving, and  understanding he is with my challenging children. I love them dearly, but I do see just how much work each child will need to do within themselves, to become responsible, healthy, well-balanced adults, never mind being able to be a healthy partner in a loving marriage.

 I ache so for each of them, because a lot of the difficulties come from the very poor example they saw in their parents, all because we didn't know any better. It breaks my heart: their dad and I didn't have good role models either so neither of us learned any better. And our children are paying the price.

However, that can also be said for all children of dysfunctional families, we all learn by the mistakes we make. Once we know better, we do better. I'm so grateful for the parents I did have, because each of them has contributed either by nature or by nurture to the person I have become, along with all my relationships;  we are all here to learn various lessons to help us become our best selves. 

Well.

I had a wonderful conversation with my beloved "little sister" today. She is struggling too--that's not the wonderful part, but the wonderful part is that each time we speak, we become closer. We are such gifts to each other. As different as we are in many ways, there are so many other ways in which we are truly sisters.  There is no one who can put words to feelings as well as she does. I cannot wait to move closer. 

Time for wine.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

"Promise yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble."

- Christian Larson, 1912 Your Forces And How To Use Them

I have just come across this, and when I saw the date written, I seriously thought it was a typo. I'd never heard of this guy. Had to do some research, but I  now have set new goals.  Notice I said "goals": I know very well this is going to be damn difficult, but I do love the faith and optimism expressed here.

It reminds me that I used to consider myself a total optimist; now I think of myself as a realist. I try to see things as they are, rather than how I wish they were, or think they should be. This viewpoint alone has helped me more than anything else in the past 16 years or so.

That was when my sons were only 12, and we were well on our way to realizing the boys were going to have serious difficulties in their whole lives not only because of the ADHD, but because that was when the drinking and drug use started. I have grieved over them until I thought I couldn't bear it anymore. When I think of the daily despair I was living in then, I get teary and emotional to this day.

Of course, at the moment I am listening to The Messiah, and that definitely contributes to my mood. Such joy, and such powerful feelings. Such beauty.

Such a week of changes! This first week of the New Year has brought nice things. One, I paid off my student loan, in full. The last payment was $567 and change. I called the loan servicer to make this final payment so I could speak to a real person and get that instant confirmation; Gwen was so nice, so full of happiness and congratulations for me. When I hung up, it didn't feel real, that after seven years of payments and with lots of assistance from my blessed dad (and also my mother, via the proceeds from the sale of her house), it was all done.

Two,  the sale of the Audubon: that check arrived this week too. Almost $1000 after the auction house took their percentage. Most of that went right into our sadly depleted savings account, and I feel much better.

Three, the arrival of our newest family member, a darling 10month old female Havanese. She is mostly white, but black on her head and tail, and peach colored paws.  She is incredibly shy, as was Murphy when he first arrived. The poor thing had gotten fairly well matted, so before Toni brought her over yesterday, she clipped most of her body hair off and then bathed her.  She has a full head of hair on her head, tail and paws so she looks a little like a very small black and white lion...but when her hair grows out she will be stunning.

Murphy is doing very well adjusting. It was kind of a shock to him when Toni left after a couple of hours, leaving the little visitor behind. He has been very much surprised, not aggressive or upset, just puzzled as to her presence. She is technically his cousin; their mothers were sisters.

I think we've decided her name is Missy, short for Mischief.  She has  not had a proper name in her whole 10 months, as Toni knew she'd be leaving eventually, and therefore only called her "Baby Girl". (Ugh.)  She stayed in laps all of late yesterday, trembling off and on. She slept in her very own bed by J's side of the bed with not a sound out of her all night.  Today she has ventured out, and sticks close to either me or J, or, interestingly, Murphy.  She is smaller than he is, much more delicate. She is practically full-grown, and this is exactly what we wanted, a smaller, younger female so Murphy wouldn't feel threatened.

This week we'll take her to the vet, and then find a low-cost spay clinic in the next couple of months.  Fortunately the bonus the docs gave each of us will cover this. (They were very generous.)

Other news: MissS has taken action on her own and found an apartment she and the roommate like a lot better, and it's also cheaper. The management has taken their application and should have an answer this week. She got her money back from the other place and seems a lot more involved and upbeat this time around.

She also had another piece published in the HP, and I was so impressed with how honest and open she is, and how much insight she has. She is a wonder.  I'm so proud of her.

She also has a new full-time job, again at a daycare but this one is a sister company to KinderCare, set up on the local university's campus. This job even has benefits!! I'm so excited for her. This also means that down the road if she wants she can change doctors since she will have private insurance, and not the State plan. Lots of places around here don't take anymore State-funded patients, so this has severely limited her choices.  ObamaCare/ ACA is wonderful when it works but around here there is a negative connotation to it;  while it's been a godsend to the people who formerly didn't have any insurance, it's definitely a mixed blessing to the various providers.

But I'm not going to get started on politics vs healthcare vs business. 

Okay, other news. In the Rumor department, NP heard again that she and I will be transitioning to Pain Management full-time sometime later in 2015, she's not sure when. None of that has been discussed with her,  mind you. The neurology docs have a contract with her until the end of October to be in Neurology. So I'm not sure what's happening, and neither is she. In any case she will of course be keeping me on and that's all I care about. (Although I have to say I'd really miss neuro.  It continues to be utterly fascinating to me.)

In the Son department, both boys are again living with their former roommate, a young woman with two small children. They seem to have a brotherly relationship with her. Once again they've gotten themselves out of a crisis. Phew. 

It's going to be a long stretch before I have even a 3-day weekend again, much less a week. Before this most recent illness I had about 4 days, but between NP's being off the last two Fridays, and my illness, I used up all my time. She will be out for a couple of days in mid-February too, but I will  have to work those days even if I have to float to a different office.   My work anniversary is the 17th of February already, and I should get a raise of some kind. That will be nice.

Next financial goals will be paying off the cc again--it's almost impossible not  to use them for the last couple of weeks of the month. Then there were a couple of car issues,  and our flood insurance payment, and another large cost for one of J's prescriptions. But now he is at the beginning of the year again, and  so that one cost should drop by 2/3 at the next refill.

 And then we'll be saving again, but this time for OurHouseInFlorida. So. Excited. By this time next year we should have enough to actually start the Search. 

Also, J has mentioned to me that I might look into the financial possibility of retiring at 62 instead of 67. Hmm. My automatic pension plan starts next month at work, and I can set aside up to 8% if I want, and they put in either 4 or 6% I think.  Hmm. That's very tempting considering how little my retirement savings account is now. Well, lots to think about.

Happy 2015. To love, health and friendship.