Sunday

Modified from an email written to my sister:
 "I'm still pondering what S described as "what will always make me think of mom", so I loved this addition of (Fantasia).  I'm stuck with negative things: I can always think of something in my head to groan over, but I'm trying to replace that with positive things. I love Fantasia too, and yet I never connect it with her.

...I loved talking (yesterday) too, and I want to make a point of getting comfortable enough to call you without getting anxious (about picking up the phone to "chat"--something I don't usually do with anyone!)

I think of classical music in connection with Dad. There's a classical music game on the KindleFire which brought back so many memories.

I think of mom in connection  with my animals. With raccoons. And deer. And hawks.
 I think of bird watching, and bird feeders.
Of sandals--flipflops back in the 60s, and then Birks.
Of driving--her fear of driving in the city, and her very old-lady like driving each time I rode with her visiting in WA. But I remember her driving differently in the van, and on our camping trips.
 I think of theater-- we went to plays together, and that fostered in me my love of live theater, live musicals to be specific, and live music.
I remember lots of times in my growing up years when we'd laugh til we cried, especially when Gramma was visiting.
I connect old B&W movies with her like Charade, and It Happened One Night, and Mrs Miniver, and Wuthering Heights, and GretaGarbo movies, and The Ghost and Mrs Muir, and and and... When I was a kid staying home sick, we'd watch Bewitched, and My Little Margie, and Topper, and the PattyDuke show, My Favorite Martian, and other oldies. She would sit and watch them with me. (As a parent, I couldn't stand watching my own kids' favorite shows--how did she do it?? Were the shows better back then?)
Johnny Carson, the Wonderful World of Disney.
My love of being in the woods on long walks--and I attribute that to Dad and mom. (I have a deep love of the Atlantic ocean, the beach, but I don't think of mom or dad in that connection. Isn't that odd, because my memories of Jones Beach and Sherwood Island are very vivid. And all the other Eastern beaches I've known and loved.)
 I both loved and dreaded her huge appreciation of gifts-- it was always a big damn  production, and I used to wish she could just say thank you and let it go, instead of going on and on;  yet I also liked knowing she did appreciate something.
 I loved discussing things like Life and politics back when I was a teen, and I loved her being able to talk to my friends and how my friends loved talking to her---yet there was jealousy  insecurity there too that made me wonder inside why she loved socializing with my friends.
I see in clothes a certain shade of blue which she loved. Sometimes I'll see prints or patterns and think, Mom would have loved that! She loved madras, and straw hats.
My interest in politics--from Gramma, Dad and Mom.
Certain books: the Anne series, LittleWomen and all of LMA's other writings. I have the Little Fairy Sister on my wish list at Amazon but the only copy I can find for sale is a whopping $350. Someday I will own it. (I wonder so often what happened to our copy.)
Foods: creamed onions, her chocolate chip cookies, burnt sugar cake, the chocolate wafer and whipped cream log,  the holiday meals which were spectacular spreads and always delicious. The months of practicing bread-making, and the yummy results.
Her garden--she loved growing veggies, and I love growing flowers.  But she loved iris in particular, and I think of that.
It's all a mix: so many of these things started one way, and then became twisted over the years. I remember her being joyful, and curious, and a big reader; she was so proud of Family history, yet removed herself from the living family. Odd."

On an entirely different note. It was a good week at work. There was a flu bug going around which resulted in half the MAs either not coming in at all, or going home sick, so instead of me just sitting at my desk and dealing with phone messages I ended up working for two of the other docs. Plus my other regular work. It wasn't stressful the way it has been. This time I know what I'm doing, and I know what the expectations are, and I can see I was putting waaay too much pressure on myself before. All these other docs really want is someone to room the patients and summarize the reason for the visit in a few words, and then input it on the EMR.

(My  doc wants it done quite differently, and there is much more involvement, much more preparation. Figures I'd end up with a highly demanding doc.)

Anyway it was a good and busy week, and it felt wonderful to say confidently "Sure, I can do that", when B*** asked if I would mind helping Dr So-and-so. "Are you sure? I know you have a lot to do..." "No, I'm fine, and I'm happy to help."  The days flew by, and I even got an unsolicited compliment: It didn't occur to me that my lead MA would be reviewing my responses to various phone messages, but she did, and then later came to me to compliment me on how well I handled them all. That was nice to hear.

Now I have another 4 days off: the weekend, and then Monday and Tuesday. It's so nice to just relax and know I can happily enjoy the time at home. We removed all the Christmas stuff and packed it away yesterday.That felt good, to have my house back to its cozy normal, rather than feeling way crowded with Stuff.

I've walked 3-4  miles each day so far and plan to continue. I think I might discontinue the wine for a few weeks/months to see if it makes a difference in my weight loss; I'm allowed (within my daily points allowance) 2 4oz glasses, and on some nights I even have  a third one.  But I'm not losing very quickly, and I can't think of what else to be doing.  More walking would be nice in theory, but it takes a big toll on my hips, and some days I just can't bring myself to do anymore. Especially after walking all day.

Tomorrow the last day of 2012 I get to hit the lab for a fasting blood draw.  I'll be interested in the results, since I haven't had them done for 8 months now. 

Happy NEW year. I'm certainly ready to be done with this one.

Monday

Saturday was a very emotional day. I went to my meeting as planned, and it was led by a friend I hadn't seen in a while so that was very nice. There are a lot of grieving parents, spouses, siblings--grieving the loss of their family members to drugs and/or alcohol. The meeting is a comforting place to be: knowing you are not alone on the holiday which is supposed to be a celebration of family. We all confess how miserable we are, and how we are just waiting for it to be over. Discussing the Dream of the holiday, vs the reality. And sharing how we incorporate it all, remaining true to ourselves, but choosing to focus on the small miracles.

Over the years it became so twisted for me--definitely a day to dread and just get through as best I could. So many of the holidays were spent visiting my sons in various locked facilities.Trying to pretend it wasn't awful, trying to keep my then-husband's grim mood from infecting everyone else, even though I wasn't feeling a bit joyous either. Trying to prevent the adults' moods from inhibiting my darling little daughter's spirit of excitement and happiness and expectations.

The past five Christmases have been so much happier because of J. Even though he struggles with grief too, he is able to acknowledge it and then put it away for long enough to look for the good, look for the happy, be loving and filled with laughter and wanting to help make it a happy day for me.

This Christmas will be a year since mom's fall, which broke her shoulder and which led to the last extremely difficult months of pain and helpless descent. It's naturally a time of reflection over memories and sadness, and sheer relief that the ever-present burden of her expectations is done, over, and we can relax.

I also drove down to Eugene and walked into Mayme's room. It was darkened, she was sitting up in her recliner, covered with blankets and snoozing, with her untouched lunch tray in front of her. Looked like no one bothered to wake her when they brought the tray. I myself considered leaving without waking her, but finally knelt down and patted her arm gently til her eyes opened and she saw me. I could tell she recognized me, but for a while her words didn't make any sense; I opened the window shades and let the sun in, and waited for her to wake up enough to begin talking to me.  After some time, she said, "honey, I'm sorry, I know I know you--but I can't remember your name!" We laughed, and I reminded her, and we just chatted. She was so happy to see me. I was dreadfully shocked at her appearance. She'd lost a lot of weight, and is also much more hard of hearing than before.

After 45 minutes or so I had to leave to go meet S, and we both cried as I said goodbye and hugged and kissed her.  I managed to make it out to the parking lot and sat there gulping and wiping my eyes, and then who should appear but J&C in C's red truck! I can't even remember the last time I saw them...we all hugged and cried, and exchanged news, and it was the best reunion ever.

Then I headed over to meet S at the Mall-- every single parking space was filled. I had to circle around several times along with dozens of others circling before I just followed a shopper to his car and waited for him to pull out. Good grief. Inside was no better: more shoppers and staff than I have seen in my life. S and I eventually met up and joined the throngs wandering. She'd dyed her hair again and looks vastly different--very attractive of course, but so different.

And again, every item we looked at we disagreed on what we found desirable. Our tastes are so different!  But it was funny, not frustrating, and reinforced why I don't dare buy anything for her unless she has told me before that she loved it.

And after visiting several stores and finding very little we really wanted, it was getting dark. She had tickets to see The Nutcracker later and was looking forward to that.  I drove home enjoying the holiday decorations out in the dark country night. So pretty...

Yesterday morning I walked with the dog, and although it poured the entire day, it was not a bitter cold rain. I got home and we were both drenched so M got another bath...and then I sat and patiently combed his hair and de-matted him, while J baked yet more cookies. At the holidays he becomes a baking fool...it's so sweet.

I was planning to study, and did so for an hour before giving up and taking a nap. Just a nice quiet day in the warmth of the woodstove, and knowing we didn't have to go anywhere. So nice.

Today my paycheck is deposited, so we'll go get our groceries, and do some last minute things, and then be home before noon to just appreciate our love, our home, and our lives and our families. 

TYG.

Saturday

This has been a good week; other than arriving home too late to walk on 3 nights during the week, it was nice to be told to leave yesterday at 330 due to overtime. They don't want me to have it. It landed me an extra 5 hours on my paycheck and at timeandahalf that really adds up. I love the extra money, but I really also love the extra daylight hours to walk in.

Friday morning I had my dentist appt for an overdue cleaning, and discovered I had a broken filling in addition to needing to finish the crown work. So I'll go back in a couple of weeks for that. It's so nice to have dental insurance again. The dentist complimented me and said it was obvious I take good care of my teeth and gums.

We had a very unusual snow day on Tuesday; so pretty! It was snowing most of the day. Despite the weathermen saying there would be no accumulation, we did get about 2 inches, which melted by the next day.  But in the meantime we'd had several people cancel or just not show up for their appointments. Which made for a nice kind of relaxed day. Chris commented that it was so peaceful to have time to just sit at her desk and work on stuff; normally she and DrP are on their feet and running 4 days a week. DrSK keeps a very brisk pace both in the office and in the OR, and it was eye-opening to just have down time.

On Thursday they came up to the office late in the day after completing their surgeries, and again we had some relaxed time, reviewing issues and preparing for the next two weeks while he is gone. He is traveling with the Beavers to Texas, and then spending the rest of the time with his family.  I had to leave at 430 that day to go with J to pick up his truck (which was getting some electrical work completed), and both RN and the Doc were so friendly, so easy with me. Quite a change.

I'm glad because in January the schedules for the three Tuesdays and half-a-Thursday  he is in the office (so, a total of 3    1/2 days for the entire month) equal 136 patients: I do not know how we will get through each day. Patients routinely wait for 1-2 hours to see him, after having scheduled 2 months in advance. Right now his next available appointment is in March. It's so awkward knowing people are sitting out in the waiting room, and that I have no room for them. I absolutely hate it. RN is so casual about it, but I think it's rude.  Well, he's fully aware of their wait, and his schedule, and doesn't feel the need to change anything...therefore I have to just suck it up, and brace myself. Those are going to be loooong days.

Thursday morning I'd worked with another MA learning her doc's ways. She thought she had a busy day, but it was "only" 21.  Yes, that's busy, but...for me it was challenging because that doc only works on feet and ankle issues. So I knew none of their terminology, nor the way that doc likes things done. But he is a much more approachable doc, and he likes his MA and staff to call each other by their first names. (I can't even imagine my doc asking me to call him by his name--RN doesn't even get to do that.)

Friday was supposed to be a quiet, catching-up day. After PAD saw his 7 patients, he left on his vacation to visit his wife's family in Utah, and all hell broke loose. Four of my patients who'd had surgery Thursday called me with completely random, unusual events directly related to the surgery or the anesthesia used, and 3 of them were quite unpleasant to me in their frustration and discomfort. I had to run each of these by the  other MA to make sure I'd done alright with the phone calls, and then also ran it by the PA (who was covering all the docs' patients that day; there were no docs in the office). The MA and PA each reassured me I'd done everything correctly, and were just as surprised as I'd been.  I documented it all, and after it was all resolved and calming down, I started to catch my breath and finish all the other paperwork. At that point SF went home  suddenly ill, and then my boss came to my pod and asked if I had any overtime, because if I did, I needed to go home. Right now.  Ooookay.

So I notified the PA I was leaving, and told the MA also, leaving just those two and the front office staff.  Then I packed up...and left! What a day.

What a week.

"The Hobbit" last Sunday was just breathtaking. I felt my eyes filling several times: over the sheer beauty, and the music, so well-loved; the familiar characters, the new characters--oh, those dwarves! somehow I never pictured them as separate and distinct characters. PJ did an amazing job with the ability to make you realize the complexity and depth of their culture. Loved his Thorin...very similar to Aragorn. The only complaint I would even hint at is the amount of fighting. Granted it was all also in the books, but I usually skipped over those parts. In the theater you can't get away from it. And the scenes were filmed in such a way that you couldn't quite catch up with what was happening; it all happened so fast, so intensely.  Still, except for the fighting scenes, there was enough slow time to allow real development, and while I read it described as "sluggish", it never felt that way to me. I will be seeing it again at least twice. So much to absorb.
Well. Must get ready for the day. A meeting, and then a drive to Eugene, seeing Mayme, and S. Long day ahead.
TYG.

Sunday

It's a cold rainy morning. I'm sitting next to the bird feeder which we have kept filled. These past few days there has been so much activity there; I wonder what these little guys did before we began. Gives me a lot of pleasure to see them, though. Fiona rushes over to chatter and eye the BirdTV with much excitement.

This past week we lost another friend to cancer, melanoma. J is pretty sad. It was a long-time friend of his, originally his insurance agent. Steve was only in his 50s, like me.

I caught up with my doc on Wednesday, first time in over a year. It was great to finally begin regular visits again. My BP was high because I'd had to take the meds only every 3rd day to make them last, and my stomach had been bothering me  a lot, same reason. She asked me what had been going on this past year, and I started out saying, "Well, at the end of May I lost my job, and 10 days later my mother died." To my surprise I could feel my eyes filling. I said, "I'm sorry-- some days it hits me harder than others, and I guess this is one of those bad days." She was very gentle, and reminded me that the grieving is a process, and that the whole first year is going to be a roller coaster.

She asked where I was working, and I said  "right next door, at the orthopedics office for one of the surgeons"; her eyebrows went up, and she commented on how that is typically a very high stress job. I agreed, and was quick to also express how relieved I was to be working again. 

She refilled all my four meds, and when I went to my new pharmacy later that day to get them, instead of paying well over $100  as I have been since June, the whole cost was under $19. Unbelievable.  The hospital is self-insured, so to keep costs as low as possible each employee has to use the hospital's pharmacy. I was concerned about that, but it was a very smooth transition. Not a single problem.

The next day was the office Christmas party. We had to clock out at 4;00,  and then tables were set up in the front lobby, with pasta dishes and salads being catered by Pastini's, and employees brought desserts.  Then after some  awkward  socializing, my Doc  was the Santa, making the obligatory Thank you to all the hardworking people who make this place work Speech. Then in alphabetical order our names were called, and each was handed an envelope and a gift bag. All the gift bags contained some version of a china Santa candle holder. I understand they were not supposed to be awful.  The envelopes contained $100, and the cards were signed by the four docs.

I don't know about the other doc's staff, but my Doc also gave me and Chris gift certificates to Applebee's, and PAD gave us an ornament, and a selection of teas, and some chocolate, and my personal favorite, a tiny package of maple sugar. It was all very nice.

Then I had to go to WeightWatchers, where I lost again. Phew. Then home.

Friday was going to be a quiet day, as I just needed to make some calls and finish my prep for this Tuesday's horrendous schedule. But then the announcement of the shootings made the rounds in the office, and while I couldn't be following it as much as I wanted to, I was able to check in with CNN online occasionally. So much sadness, so much grief. So close to my hometown.

And then I got a text from Heidi, (my son's ex and) the mother of my granddaughter in Denver. She and her bf are going to be here in OR at the end of January for 4 days, and she wondered if we could get together. Well, hell yes!! I'm so excited. We texted back and forth, and eventually realized she'd be staying in the southern part of the state, about a 3-hour drive for me. Whatever it takes, I will make this work. Looks like J and I will drive down and stay overnight at least. I will get to see Nevaeh, who will be turning 4 in February. I haven't seen her since she was 3 months old. I'm so looking forward to it-- and then I felt guilty for my joy, when all over the country people are grieving the loss of so many. But I've learned it's okay to have joy and happiness in my life, despite others' griefs and sorrows. I can respect and acknowledge the sadness, without needing to obsess over it.

Yesterday my daughter drove up for the afternoon. We walked in the rain with the dog, and then went shopping to several stores in this small town. We agreed to just tell each other if we found some stuff we liked, to give/receive for Christmas. While I didn't see anything I really wanted, S finally remembered I had an Amazon wish list, so she has some ideas to choose from.

  We had a great time. I love being in the bustle of Christmas shopping, even if we don't buy anything. I loved looking at the ornaments, and decorations, and gift suggestions, and constantly marveling that S's and my tastes are so completely different.   (Unfortunately I'd worn some low ankle boots I hadn't worn in quite some time, which turned out to be extremely uncomfortable. So I'll be giving those away, along with one of my two winter coats.)

She ended up staying for an early dinner, and we three watched the news, and  we learned more about her new not-boyfriend. He does sound amazing. We're looking forward to meeting him at some point.  She left so she could go meet him to see The Hobbit, and that's what J and I will be doing today. So excited.

Later today we'll be wrapping and baking, and tomorrow J will mail our packages out. I am so blessed. TYG.

Saturday

I'm having more trouble typing recently; physically the act is more and more dyslexic. Instead of typing "and"  my fingers type "nad". This happens numerous times so I'm constantly typing, then backspacing to correct, then typing again. It's frustrating. So far at work I've been able to laugh it off and blame it on the well-known fact that everyone makes makes mistakes when someone is watching.  It's very weird, though. I'm wondering if I should bring it up to my doc when I see her on Wednesday.

The week went well. Working with DrR was chaotic but overall it went so much better than I expected that it's actually helped me readjust my thinking about how I do with DrSK. DrR was very appreciative, and thanked me several times throughout the day. While DrSK doesn't do that, I'm believing now, and seeing now, that this is a personality thing on his part, not that I'm somehow doing something wrong.

Of course a lot of this is simply that I am feeling more comfortable anyway, making the adjustment to a whole new environment/doctor/coworkers/boss/computer programs/medical field. At two months, the utter confusion and blur of new information has settled in pretty well. I can do this.

Friday was the 6month point of mom's death. Part of me is amazed at how quickly that time has passed. Part of me is thinking it's just been such a looong process. I feel my thought processes are slowly settling down, slowly returning to what I've believed is  normal for me. I'm lower emotionally than  I used to be, but every now and then I see more light at the end of the tunnel.

Today happens to be a good day, despite the almost constant headaches lurking in the background. That's not new, but they are more frequent; my general pattern is to go for days or weeks with one long headache  which then sits with me with varying intensity over that time.  Then it will leave me entirely for a period of time. Then it will come back. And so on.

I think of my sister's path since our mom's death, and I am so relieved she has now been able to take a break from her career, and take the time to process  all the emotions. I was so blessed in so many ways to have lost my job right before mom died. That gave me the time and freedom to experience the whole roller coaster of emotions that occurred right afterwards, and for the time since then. There is no way I could have worked after mom died.

The main bulk of the grief has passed for me. I have moments still where it'll hit me again, suddenly: oh yeah, mom's gone--I can't tell her this....   Or, "wow, mom will really love this! ...OH." It feels like a startle reflex. I remember when the babies were newborn, and that would happen--they'd suddenly jerk and flail their arms in a sound sleep.  That's what it feels like.

The house is decorated, and J is going through his annual Christmas sadness slash depression. But he is aware of this and alternately gives in to it or fights it depending on his energy level. Yesterday I was able to leave work at 4 instead of 5, and so got home early enough to walk in the daylight. But in the meantime a friend had brought by some money he owed us. That gave us enough for J to first say "let's walk up to the store!"  and then decided  he didn't have the energy or desire. So as I got ready he saw me preparing and said "oh this is ridiculous--I can't just allow myself to sink--I'll go with you after all". So we got a nice 4 mile walk. By the time we got home it was dark.  So he does fight this depression. Then he cooked us a nice dinner, and we watched what was listed in the guide as an old David Niven spy spoof called Casino Royale, but turned out to be the Casino Royale with Daniel Craig as Bond.  We both love David Niven so I was really looking forward to it. Oh well: Craig as Bond is amazing, especially having just seen the new Bond last weekend.

It makes me do a balancing act: I want to put up lights and garlands and my usual decorations...but I hesitate to do as much as I want because I need to respect his feelings too. Guess that's part of marriage. I certainly don't resent it the way I did in my previous marriage: It doesn't feel like I'm tiptoeing around someone's mood--it feels respectful, and like I don't want to make this worse for him, because I do love him. It ends up being less of a celebration than I'd like but more of a celebration than he'd like, and that's a good compromise for both of us.

Time to get ready...

Sunday

It's a dark rainy windy Sunday afternoon. We've just gotten home from going to see a movie in a movie theater (for the first time in maybe a year), and then picked up $20 worth of groceries and filled the gas tank for another $25.

Yesterday we paid the flood insurance and were left with about $6 in our main account. But we had deliberately not included the other bank account, because we had an issue last month and didn't want to be caught short again. However, we were forced to check that balance because we clearly can't go through an entire week til the next payday on $6; and the miracle was that after calculating which automatic withdrawals are still pending, we had about $100 more than needed.
 
So we splurged, and saw the new James Bond movie. LOVED it. What a great show!!  The theater was an older one with all the seats on the same floor level, and nice high backs, so as long as someone didn't sit in front of you it was fine. The theater was practically deserted on this wet afternoon. There were maybe 20 people, and it was a blast. Such a treat!

This morning we'd gotten up early as usual. While it wasn't raining, the forecast was for more rain later. I quickly decided to just take Murphy and go. (That's getting more frustrating, rather than less; he just is not responding to my authority. He's fine as long  as we are not coming up along another dog. But once another dog enters his view, he starts straining and goes on high alert. He ends up barking wildly, and no matter how tautly I hold the leash to my side, he is pulling to get to that animal. I've gotten quite firm with him, and even yanked on the leash, or smacked him on the muzzle. Doesn't seem to help. He is fine with J, so as soon as J's new brace arrives, he'll be walking with me again, and handling the dog. Can't wait.)

Yes, J's appt with one of the docs in my office was Wednesday morning. It went well; J is very anxious to avoid surgery so the options were injections and/or a brace. So he got both the cortisone injection, and was fitted for that brace.

My work week went well. I'd been mentally preparing for a hellish Tuesday as usual, and to my surprise, it went well. One slight mistake on my part: I was preparing a knee aspiration for the first time and RN had told me what to do. Part of that involved drawing it up with one size needle and then switching to a different size needle for the actual injection. I got all the supplies ready, and when DrSK came out of one room, heading for the other room to do the injection I tagged along to see this for the first time. RN was assisting him though and just as she was handing him the syringe I'd drawn up, she noticed I hadn't switched the needle... it was sitting right there on the counter but I hadn't actually made the switch. So there was a minute or so where DrSK was waiting for this--instead of just being able to do it. That felt very awkward.  But watching this happen, and how the two of them worked together was amazing. That will be me at some point. 

The rest of the day went fine. He got out of the office to the OSU training on time, and that's always crucial. SF was learning his ways, and between us we kept the rooms filled so he didn't stand around with nothing to do. She got to assist him on something, and she was thrilled  and relieved when it went well. But she felt guilty that she'd gotten to be with him doing this, because I was doing something else. We talked about it later, and I reassured her that was fine.

Part of me thinks it'd be much less stress to be PAD's CMA, and float or fill in as needed, which is SF's official  job.  Instead, I am DrSK's CMA. Granted there is more involved with this position, but there is also more stress, and more challenge. He's only in the office 1 1/2 days each week, whereas PAD is in every day---but PAD's days are far less stressful. There's no point in wondering if it'd be "easier" if I were a float/PAD's CMA, because the downside is that if it ever becomes necessary to lay someone off it'd be her. I have a lot of security with DrSK. It's been 2 months now, and I am feeling so much better.

Tomorrow I am filling in though for EF, who has to attend the Orientation. So I'm working for DrR , all day. Gulp. EF gave me a crash course on how he likes things, and DrR has been just fine with me so far. We'll see what happens when I'm actually working for him.

Wednesday was the day I'd been looking forward to for weeks. The Springsteen show was up in Portland. The weather was a huge factor: there have been a number of back to back winter storms and Wednesday was no exception. Instead, S arrived at our house around 3:30, and J had the Honda ready for any emergency--a full tank, plenty of food packed up that he'd prepared, foul weather gear, emergency equipment.  She and I left around 4.

There was not a speck of rain the entire trip. No trouble with traffic. No issues at all. We arrived at the venue safely, and while early, that was fine with me. We paid an exorbitant $20 for parking, and then walked over and waited in line for the Rose Garden to open. So much excitement!!

 We had seats behind the stage which I've learned  is just fine with Springsteen shows. S was quite surprised we were there, and I think she was a little concerned at first, but as the show progressed she could see why it wasn't a problem. Thankfully our seats were in the back of a section against a divider, instead of another row of seats. That meant we could stand or dance or sway as we wanted, and not worry about blocking anyone behind us. That makes so much difference.

The show opened with a song which he has always closed the shows with, so that was a bit disconcerting. But it worked. And of course when he and the band first came on the stage everyone rose to their feet just roaring their approval and excitement and happiness. Most people stayed on their feet through out the next 3 1/2 hours. It was a great, great show. He was fighting a cold, so there were a few moments where he was doing solo songs with a raspy voice, but that didn't diminish the power and emotion. I absolutely loved it. I yelled and sang, and cried and danced along with everyone else,  and as always felt completely fully alive. So much emotion during these shows!

I was wondering what S was thinking, but didn't want her to feel any pressure from me to enjoy the show. She had a blast too-- and later said she now understood why I was so crazy about this man, this artist, this band. There is so much joy and spirit. Nothing like it.

There were some holy s**t moments for me as a long time fan. Getting to hear a Christmas song I've heard for years (on the radio and on the holiday shows I have on CD) LIVE was a huge HS moment. Getting to hear some rarities. Seeing the stuff going on behind the scenes, and seeing the view that the band has-- what a never-ending thrill.


The show wasn't over til a bit after 11:30, but we were able to get to the car, and zoom right out onto I5 south within 15minutes, and so were home by 1. S decided not to stay overnight as we'd planned, because she had just that day landed a new job which started the very next day.  So she left right away, after thanking me for having done the driving.

I'm so relieved for her. She gets a free gym membership also with this job, so that's going to be wonderful. Along with getting published in the Huffington Post, and seeing a new man who sounds wonderful, I'm so happy for her.

This weekend she came up again. We walked with Murphy, and  we decorated the house, and went to see the Nativity collection at the Mormon church down the road. J helped with putting up the lights, and he and I finished that this morning before the rain started again. So it looks very pretty and holiday-ish.

Yesterday was December 1,  the day my insurance started; I'm so relieved.  It's been 6 months without insurance...thankfully nothing has gone wrong. I have one medication I'm almost out of, and my doc had said she won't refill it til I see her. But I can't get into see her til Dec 16. I might have to call and explain this and maybe she can refill it sooner, knowing I have an appt.

This week will be 6 months since mom died. Unbelievable. So much has changed in my life this year. I think I can say this has been the most stressful year of my life. The last time I can think that was this bad, was when I had to kick the boys out, and 6 months later my marriage ended, forcing my daughter and I to find a place on our own.

Well. I have love and support and friends and a job-- I am so blessed. TYG.

Sunday

Reading my sister's recounting of her Thanksgiving has reminded me again that I also am still dealing with this depression. I don't want to be focusing on it, or looking at it in any way. So I try to put it out of my mind. I keep busy, but don't really have any interest in doing anything for long. I am restless, yet incapable of deciding to do something and stick with it.

Money continues to be a problem for me. Yes, I'm getting paid finally on a regular schedule. And that is a huge blessing. I'm very grateful to have a full-time job once again, and still I desperately miss the 4day work week I used to have.

Money is not a problem as in 'we don't have enough'; it's a problem as in --strictly for me anyway-- it seems we are not making a dent in any debt. In my head I know we have just begun to tackle this; tomorrow I am expecting only my third paycheck since I started there. So in truth I can't even expect to have made any real progress. But I am feeling so discouraged at how long it'll take. (Jeez. Reading this makes me want to shake myself-- who IS that person, and why is she so impatient??)

That reminded me that I am still depressed. Maybe it's a clinical depression and I need professional help, ie, medication. I don't want to do that, though. It's been almost six months since mom died; I can't believe it's been that long, but it also seems very recent. It's natural to be depressed, grieving, sad. Even angry sometimes. It will pass.  I just don't know when.

I didn't think the low-energy thing would last this long. I feel like I'm going through my days exhausted from the time I wake up, to the time I make myself go to bed to try to sleep. I can't seem to feel alive the way I used to. My days seem long: sometimes they are interesting, and other days just seem like a stretch of time to get through.


I hate writing about it, because that seems to give it more weight and attention than it deserves. I need to vent though, and I can't constantly do that to J, patient and calm and steady as he is. He has endless patience when I do decide to share with him,  strictly to tell him "it's not you or our life together--it's me, and not being able to work up any enthusiasm for anything". He reassures me that he's not going anywhere, and we're in this together, and it's natural for me to be feeling whatever it is at that time. Thank god for him. He has no expectations that I "should" be acting or feeling or saying different things. He is just there, sharing this with me so I'm not alone.

That is the function of my group also--reminding me that I'm not alone unless I choose to be.  While I attend almost every Saturday, I haven't spoken at the meeting in over a month, because I can't seem to think that anything I say is worth sharing. I'm scheduled to lead next Saturday. While I'm not dreading it, I also have no anxiety about it. It'll happen, and I'll get through it, and then it'll be over. I've already given up my service position and that felt like such a relief. Simplify.

I make myself do my walks with the dog, and afterwards I can't wait to put my feet up and pick up a book. I've noticed more aches and pains than ever before. I try not to bother noticing them, cataloging them, but my feet hurt, my legs feel like I'm pushing through water, it feels heavy to walk. I continue with WW, and have lost over 8 lbs, but my clothes aren't feeling any different.

I get dressed in my scrubs to go to work, and catch myself sighing at the idea of another long 8 hour day there. Once there as long as I can keep busy the day goes by peacefully enough. On the days the Doc is there it's  absolutely hellish.  I am trying to make myself think of it as challenging, and to relax with it as it is instead of wishing it were different. I've even had the thought that this might become routine at some point. (A small part of me has wondered if I made the right decision. I really don't want to look at that, because that might mean I'd have to go through the job search again, and  I sure don't want to do that. But I can't quit.  I can't even think about changing offices for a year at least, so maybe that's a good thing; that way I can't make any impulsive moves that might be disastrous.)

But again, I wonder how much of my discouragement is due to depression, a natural depression that I just have to ride with.  Go with the flow.

I'm due to see my doc in a couple of weeks and I will definitely bring this up. I know I can't avoid the feelings, so I just need to accept whatever I'm going through and slog through it. I believe eventually it'll get better; I just don't know when. Once again, my Faith is being tested.

Here it is Sunday again, and since it's not raining, I think I will head out for my walk, before coming home to study this afternoon.

Friday

Tuesday and Wednesday SF continued to train with me, both of us (and EF, the other new guy) amazed at how there can be no official "training" in a place this size. You are just told to hang with one particular person and see how they do things, and then you're on your own.  Poor EF hasn't even gotten that; the person he  replaced left one day, and he started the next day.  That just isn't even right. The doc he works for is the one who has been so friendly to me (but *he* was the reason his MA left), yet I hear this same doc calling out for his PA-C (whose office is literally just across the hall from his) by her last name, as in "Hey Packer-- which lady is in room 3?"  Or, "Hey Packer,  did you get the dictation corrected?" He calls her by her last name.   I would absolutely be livid at that. If DrSK thought he could call me by my last name...umm,  I would have to speak up.

At one point it was quiet on Wednesday afternoon. I kept remembering that for the past 5 years I'd been able to leave at noon on the days before holidays, or if it was slow. Not here: I was not only working PAD's  schedule, but training SF, and  responsible for another MA's calls (she had called in with a migraine, so although her doc was out of the office, someone had to be available to take any calls from her patients. Guess who).

But it did quiet down around 3:30, all our patients had been seen, and we were ready as much as we could be for Monday and Tuesday next week. SF and EF and I realized we were the only (C)MAs in the building, and PAD was the only PA. He was covering for the other 5 docs and PAs. Granted there wasn't much going on, but leaving the practice in the hands of the 3 newest people? Scary...

I guess there's some truth to the medical field's idea of teaching: watch one, do one, teach one.  And I was also reading something recently to the effect that if you aren't challenged or scared or going into your day with the idea of "How the hell do I do this" that you are only half alive. That the whole point is to be challenging yourself.  Hmm.  I can see some truth to this; if you're bored then it's time to find a new line.  I didn't let myself see how boring my research life was --although I didn't think it was boring, it definitely was that last year or so. I knew that job pretty well, and enjoyed it. I liked the cushy life, for sure.  I was very spoiled.

I think I've landed in the right place. Once I know the damn program for scheduling people, and the proper ways to fill out the various forms patients bring for us to fill in, then I will feel more comfortable. At seven weeks, I'm much more confident and I can see the bigger picture.

Thanksgiving was a good day. I wanted to spend the day with my daughter and my husband, and I wanted to speak with my sister, and I wanted to hear from my sons. All of those things happened. The boys called me around 8 last night, and while both have bad colds, they are together, and safe, and that's the good news. They had a good dinner at a restaurant, and are bunking together in the crew, and they are safe. That's important.

S came up too, bringing me the huge Thanksgiving newspaper with all its ads. She did this without me asking her to, even, and that so touched me. She remembered I love to look at a newspaper, and browse through it all. What a sweet thing to do!  She also brought me some socks because I love knee socks, and while these turned out to be crew socks, it was a very thoughtful gesture. She'll exchange or return them, since she has a Target store close by.

We walked the dog, and enjoyed the sun--this was a day with no rain for a welcome change. It wasn't even very cold although the day started out in the mid30s. 

Then at home we got busy in the kitchen: deviled eggs, mashed potatoes made with mashed  carrots, creamed onions, a turkey breast, a ham, rolls, gluten-free bread, and brownies and an apple pie. It all sounded like it would be a good dinner. The reality was not so good.

The potatoes ended up with the consistency of glue, the onions were waaaay too salty, the brownies were a new recipe (which involved the addition of canned pumpkin to make them a healthier option) but in reality they tasted like...pumpkin mixed with a thick chocolate coating. Not good. But everything else tasted good.

It was unfortunate that the plates were a visual blah-- everything was white or tan or pale, except the ham of course.  Sigh. I will never try new things at a holiday dinner. For some reason I never remember that...

Today I will walk again, a good long walk this time. Most of the leaves are off the trees here now, so J has borrowed the leaf-blower and gotten most of them off the lawn, and I will rake the rest. The chickens had a bonanza this morning getting the uneaten leftover brownies, the potatoes, and their usual scraps.  We are considering going to a movie sometime this weekend; both of us want to see "Lincoln", but the prices are crazy--it'll be almost $20 for just two tickets, and that doesn't include any popcorn. I'm so jealously guarding my precious time off I don't want to waste any of it--but it's a wonderful freedom knowing I have 3 more whole days home.

There's a freedom from shopping; I don't get paid til Monday anyway, but even so there is very little I desire enough to brave any crowds. I'm not in a holiday mood, and I have the items I want for Gabby and Nevaeh already. If the boys had an address I might send them some cash---but I fear I already know what they'd use it for and I don't want to support that, so maybe I wouldn't send them anything.  It's hard to be a parent sometimes; I have so many mixed feelings.

 It's hard to be away from my bio family too. This first year without mom will be very different. I won't be feeling guilty over not being there, but up until the last few years calling mom on the holiday was a given.  The last 18 months I called at least once a week, and I've lost track of the number of times we drove up. All that time....

I considered driving down to Eugene to see Mayme, but selfishly I don't want to go all that way if I can't see or do more than one thing. It's a long drive! I didn't used to think so.

I will probably just kick back a lot this weekend. No big plans, which is such a freedom. TYG.

Monday

It feels like we need to be getting ready for the Ark tonight. The creek has risen to juuust below the steps leading (what is normally) down to the creek...it's been just pouring all day. I came home exhausted, and realized the water level is so high that the sandbags J placed last January are really doing their thing (and I'm also glad I have removed everything from under the deck).  The chickens are safe in their coop---but the coop is up above the ground about 6 inches, and the ground is getting pretty wet. So wet that the rats that live under the coop are heading out... Yeah, it's raining.

Our neighbors H&H on the corner are really in a bind too; their property is just next to the viaduct under the road, and their property is lower, closer to the creek level.  J tells me not to worry because we are up on a 2-foot foundation; H&H are not on a raised foundation.  Thank god we do have flood insurance...

Work today was fairly quiet.  I spent the morning preparing for Tuesday and Wednesday, and then Monday and Tuesday next week.  In the afternoon the new MA Shelly started, and much to my surprise she was training with me. Sigh. I've been there now going on 7 weeks. I'm not even fully trained! She will be both PAD's MA and the Float MA, going wherever she is needed to fill in for illness, vacation, busy times, etc.  I like her; she's coming from an office where the ENT doc she worked for routinely saw 30-35 patients  a day...guess I should be grateful DrSK "only" sees 28. So orthopedics will be a different field, but she's a known quantity.  (Guess that's how they thought of me too.)

I have just tomorrow and Wednesday to go, this week.  It'll be nice to have a slow week. Funny how 5-10 patients a day have now become my slow week: ResearchWorld is so different, because a very busy day there was 3 or 4 patients.  I miss research; but I recognize things do change, and  that it's more the job with BossJ that I miss. I was spoiled there, no doubt. Getting paid $15 an hour to surf the Internet if I had no patients was a cushy job...

Physically this job is way more demanding. I'm up and running, all day long. This really does make a difference to my IT Band syndrome. (However, I did learn today that the IT band can be surgically repaired, despite what I was told 2 years ago.) I try to walk my 2 miles when I get home, but on a day like today I said the heck with that!   I am exhausted when  I get home, but maybe that's why I'm continuing to lose weight--I do walk daily except in monsoons, and combining that with my physically busy days will eventually create a loss...thankfully I have a husband who cooks each night, and is ready to pamper me.  I am so blessed.

Thursday

I'm steadily losing at WW. I was absolutely positive I wouldn't have a loss registered for this past week, because I had eaten an entire bag of M&Ms, over the course of last weekend, strictly due to stress. And today's birthday celebration cake at work was a pumpkin cheesecake--I did have  a small piece.  It was yummy. So I was fully prepared to acknowledge defeat. Instead, I've continued to lose--true it was only 4 oz, but hey! I didn't gain!  That's the best part...

Today was the last day DrSK was in the office; next week he is gone on vacation. Thank you, God.

Tuesday was the day from hell. I'm realizing now that I need to take an anti-anxiety pill on Tuesday mornings, because I get so damn crazy--no, it  gets so damn crazy!!  Out of 28  patients scheduled for the day (this is at the breakneck speed of 2-3 patients every 45 minutes, and sometimes even more than that) he came out of the rooms after seeing twelve of them saying to us, "So-and-so is having ACL/LKS/RSS (or whatever) surgery, so we need an H&P and an MRI and let's have them go to Newport PT.  Who's next?"  That's the signal for RN to leap into action with the appropriate surgery packet and go see the patient and explain the surgery process, and then PAD to do the H&P, and then me to get the nasal smear.

Meanwhile he's gone into one of the other three exam rooms, and started the same process.  This naturally backs up the schedule--because he never takes into account that the consults which turn into surgery put us at least 30 minutes behind. Each time.  So really, the morning patients (even though the last one is scheduled at 11:45) don't get done til 1:10. And we are supposed to start the afternoon patients at 1:15.  

However, on this Tuesday we were so far behind that I was just thinking "Well, I'm just not getting a lunch today--- oookay."  But then he decided that we would just not start back up at 1:15, but at 1:45 instead, making the front office notify the patients who were already there and waiting to be seen.   They could either wait, or reschedule. Naturally they wait--because he is booked out so far ahead that it literally would be six weeks before they could get in again. Sigh.

And the afternoon was no better. It went like that all day. I didn't leave til 5:15, and that was only because RN told me to leave. The next day she complained bitterly to B***  right in front of me that she'd been there til 7:30 the night before, because no one had properly trained me yet, and what was B*** planning to do about that? The clear implication is that she is doing my work, and yet she doesn't have time to train me, and she just can't keep doing this. This is all said on a rising crescendo, and B*** listens with a concerned look on her face, and lets her vent. Later after RN has left  (because she has done this before) B*** invariably tells me this is just RN's way of exploding and it's nothing personal and I can just relax because it's not directed at me; that I'm doing just fine, and better than fine,in fact. They think I'm doing a great job considering I haven't had the "proper" training.

So each Tuesday I learn something new, in a crash course.  And today was a Thursday: RN was gone because her own son was having surgery. So it was me, and DrSK, and PAD. I admitted to both PAD and RN the day before that I was nervous about this, and both reassured me that I'd do fine; B*** said she'd be there to help, and so I was there at 7:30am-- hyper-vigilant. Prepared.

 PAD was anxious too, because he was going to help DrSK with his afternoon surgeries instead of RN. And because he normally doesn't do this, he was a bit nervous. Still, he remained calm and peaceful, and helpful all morning. I rely so much on PAD; he is much more approachable.

 It was a bit unorganized because RN normally does the surgery scheduling; since she wasn't there, PAD had to jump in (since I have not been told anything about this process  other than my small obtaining-the-nasal-smear part).    Sara arrived at 10-something and jumped in to help out also, thankfully, and we finished the morning only 30 minutes behind...

Tomorrow I will be rooming PAD's four patients, and then Sara arrives at noon. It will be a quiet day, since no docs are in; it's a day to catch up, for which I am very grateful. It might be slow, but sometimes that's a good thing. Sara will be there to teach me some more, and I appreciate that. SOME day I will be fully trained, and able to take on more. Maybe RN will be friendlier then. She's a bit prickly, but I've been reassured that it's definitely her personality, not anything anyone else is doing.


I remind myself I do have a life outside this job, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I'm sure that'll change in time, too.

Sunday

Someday maybe I will get back to posting more than once a week. Jeez, the weeks are so full, and so draining that I cannot dredge up the energy to write after work.

The work week (with 5 days) is more than I've done for 6 years now and it's a huge adjustment.  I do not know how I did this before, although it might have something to do with my younger self, and with the fact that I knew my job at Agate inside and out; I used to feel a trained monkey could do it. It wasn't ever boring, but it didn't seem challenging. This job is challenging, and certainly not boring.

Although Friday afternoons might become that way... None of the 5 docs are in on Fridays so it's much more low key.  All the (C)MAs are in, and it's a day to catch up on paperwork, and prepare for the following week. The PA-C I work with/for *is* in, although he only had 2 patients Friday morning. Those went well, and I didn't have much to do.

Sara, the girl I'm replacing, came in for half a day to review some stuff with me, and we had a very quiet afternoon. She is so *young*--she's 24, and so familiar with the job that she could do it in her sleep.Which is why she has started nursing school, for more of a challenge. She will be very good at it. She's very cute, and pretty in an unusual way. She hates to give up her MA position and let me handle it, but at the same time she needs to reduce her dependence on DSK and the RN, and their dependence on her. I'm still feeling my way of course, and if she is in the office filling in somewhere else there's a tendency to "Go ask Sara". I know that will end eventually, but it's a sensitive transition.

Thursday afternoon, after DrSK was done with his surgeries, he and RN came back to our area (our Pod) and he called PAD over from his office, and we discussed a change to how certain things will be done. The biggie is that PAD will now see all post-op patients for their first visit in the office after the surgeries. This will dramatically increase his load, and decrease DrP's load, leaving him free to see more new patients who are consulting him regarding their surgical options. He's not cut-happy, but he's very much interested in that aspect of treatment.  He is booked up for consults for 5-6 weeks ahead. Meaning no openings to see current patients. (The vast majority of those consults do end up needing surgery.  Then they need followup care for 6months or so, meaning office visits either in the immediate 90 days afterward, the global period, or following that.)

Anyway there was lots of discussion, and lots of considering-the-implications. Then at the end of that, he went around and asked everyone in turn how they were doing and feeling, and when it was my turn he asked how I was settling in, and if I felt comfortable. I assured him I was feeling much better, and each day was getting easier, and I felt more confident that I could eventually take back a lot of what RN is currently doing (which what I'm supposed to be doing). He kept gazing at me, so I added in that I'd like to be able to follow him around more, and that will help me. RN backed me up on that; apparently when Sara first started she followed him too, and that's one way to learn his ways, how he likes things done.  I think he liked hearing that. This exchange felt more like how the original interview had gone, and I think I managed to make the point that he didn't make a mistake in hiring me. He's not playful with me yet, the way I've seen him with Sara, but I think that'll come with time.

One thing I'm sensitive about: yes, I'm older than most of the "team", but that doesn't mean I can't do it. I hate to be so aware of my age--but most of the staff  (except B***) *is* younger by a good 10 years. I can't help but wonder about that.

The doc I was hearing so many negative things about, DrR, has been very friendly to me; he remembers I've come from Research and asks me questions about that, makes a point of peering over my privacy wall at me and saying hi, or when passing me in the hallway asks how I'm doing, calls me by name, makes casual friendly comments. Makes me wonder why I was hearing negative things. (Of course, the MA who was saying this is the only one who was having trouble with him; she's given her notice and her replacement has been hired already. Maybe it was just a personality clash.)

He is the doc who does all knee replacements, so there's a good chance J will be seeing him. J's appointment is at the end of the month for an evaluation; at that time it'll be determined whether he tries a knee brace, or injections, or surgery. If surgery is indicated then DrR will do it. Poor J does *not* want surgery, but he cannot walk with me anymore due to the pain, and his doc has told him not to aggravate it...

Most days I come home and it's dark. I immediately change and head out to walk. Man, I just hate walking in the dark!  Friday I'd built up enough overtime that I could leave at 4, so I raced home and changed, and had my walk done while it was  still light. I felt so much better. When I got home we did the grocery shopping and then came back home in time for the news.

We got paid Friday, because apparently Monday is a bank holiday. I had five hours of overtime so that put my paycheck with a take home pay of $990. Very nice!  We paid bills Saturday morning, and are slowly catching up. Out of this pay period came the taxes. Wiped out our savings except for about $250. Sigh.

Turns out I can't just cancel mom's phone; I have to send them a copy of the death certificate and the POA form showing I have the legal right to request this.  So that will go out in Tuesday's mail. The electricity up there has been turned off at the breaker, and now we will be paying just $17 a month to keep it connected; they suggested this instead of disconnecting it entirely. Mom's house insurance is $86 a month. The two pieces of bad news we got this week were one, that while her 2012 property taxes were paid up, her 2011 was delinquent.  So that meant I emailed my sister to confer and we agreed to just pay that amount (which she did, thank god), and keep current from now on.

The other bad news came from the realtor. I might have written about this before, but he did some research in the county, and cannot find any record of any building permits...and of course no bank will loan any money (as in a mortgage) to any prospective buyer if there are no building permits. So we now have to wait for not only a buyer who wants that specific location, but someone who can pay strictly with cash. My daughter wondered if mom just didn't know she was supposed to have them.  I hated to disillusion her, but I do believe mom knew she should get building permits---and just didn't want to bother. She probably thought "Why should I give the county more money-- I know what I'm doing, I don't need inspections... it's my own land and it's none of their business what I'm doing".

J points out that maybe she didn't know the repercussions of not having building permits; ie., maybe she didn't realize that years down the road a future buyer would have great difficulty buying that place.  I guess I can understand that-- she was so excited to have that place of her very own and didn't even think that one day she would die there, leaving the heirs in a bad place if she didn't have permits. If she did think of that, her logic would say, "Well, that will be their problem!"

On a completely different note, I've decided  (since I'm making good progress in my studying, and because I'm aware that J's and my time together is so limited now) to take one weekend a month and not go to my meeting on Saturday and not study on Sunday; in other words take the whole weekend off from all obligations.

It was so nice yesterday morning to not go: we went over our bills, and planned for what was upcoming, then headed out to pick up Murphy's Comfortis at the vet, and finish the grocery shopping, and got Fiona a new collar, stopped at Goodwill and the Dollar Store, and rented a movie.   After we got home S showed up, and she and I and Murphy went on a new walking path I'd been anxious to try--it was a really nice long walk with not a lot of people. The weather had been cold and gloomy, but by the time we got home it was clearing up and sunny; still cold, about 42 degrees, but that sun makes a big difference.

Then we headed out to Ross and I found two new bras (I absolutely hate bra shopping, but surprisingly I found two right away).  I put $25 of gas in her tank which almost filled it. And good-ol-Lori  had asked S why we hadn't added her to *my* insurance now that I was working. (Aside from her nosiness, I realize she was trying to be helpful, but it ticked me off.)   Still, I dragged out my insurance info and showed S exactly how much more would come out of my paycheck if we added her to my health coverage.  She kind of gulped and then dropped the subject.

 But in discussing this with J this morning, he suggested we ask S if she could split that amount; ie., if she can pay half, we can put up the other half.  We'll see what she says. It's too late to do this for December, but it's not to late to add her for 2013; I have until the 16th of this month to submit my app for 2013.

Today it's not raining, but it's cold--about 40 degrees. We'll insulate the outside pipes, and clean the coop, and drag out the winter coats, and I'll go for my walk.  It'll be a nice day. Good prep for the week.

Thank god the election ads are over-- and there was no time wasted in starting up with the Christmas ads. All the stores are decorated already. Sigh.   We decided we won't be sending any Christmas presents this year, except to my little granddaughters, and for my S and J's son Z.  My biological family does not do presents among the adults, and neither does J's, and that's a huge relief to me.  If we all saw each other that might be different. But except for J's youngest and my youngest, none of our relatives are anywhere close.  It just makes more sense this way.

One thing I have to admit is that this will be the first year that I do *not* get a list of things mom wants; for years she's sent out an annual note saying she was too poor to send anything, but that if *we* wanted to send *her* a little something...these items are what she could use. This will be a real blessing. Every year I felt both angry and guilty that I didn't or couldn't afford to do what she wanted. This year--there will be nothing like that.

This Christmas will be one year since the beginning of the real end-- on Christmas day last year was when she fell and broke her shoulder/arm, and J and I drove up to help with the surgery coordinating, etc. We met Alan and Debbie that visit too. And that was the visit which angered me so much that I swore I wouldn't go again until she was dying. Hospice was started, and we realized her shoulder wouldn't heal before she died. What a year this has been.


I'm ready for a fresh year.

Off to do my day.

Sunday

"… Bruce Tramps don’t think in lockstep and are divided over favorite albums, eras, and politics (just ask unrequited platonic lover <Governor> Chris Christie), but they share the deep feeling that Springsteen’s songs and concerts have helped carry them through some of life’s toughest moments. To watch them all sway and sing along in unison at a concert is to feel like one is in a revival service among the saved."   From Vulture.com

This is what I've felt too. It's incredibly healing as far as reaching into my soul and heart, and helping me to feel connected to others whenever I feel isolated by grief or pain or despair. I thank my HP over and over for managing to get me to that very first show in March of 77: It literally has changed my life.  And I'm also deeply grateful for technology, which enables me to re-play that very show in my very own home, 36 years later, and have it bring me back to that breathless night as I sat and danced and sang, disbelieving,  transfixed.

One of my oldest friends' younger sister has just seen Springsteen for the first time in Hartford two weeks ago, at age 48.  She's been a huge fan, and I'm thrilled she finally got to see him live. There's nothing like it. I'm now officially counting the days til the 28th, when I get another fix...this time in Portland, with my own daughter.  That's going to be so special.

I have been wondering since I got the tickets how I'd manage the time off work.  But my HP has again arranged that: Wednesdays are a paperwork day, and so I will be able to leave at 3 which gives me time to drive up. (I told Brenda it was a health-related absence...and that's not a lie!) Now, Thursday morning after the drive back is another story. Sigh. I will be running on sleeplessness, but my doc is in that morning for a half day only, and that's better than facing an entire day of run-like-hell. (Only Tuesdays are like that, I'm learning.)

Yesterday S came up for what we'd planned as an afternoon of shopping for me-- new scrubs (and work shoes if possible). We headed over to Lebanon where the closest WalMart is, and there is also a scrub-shop there on Main St. But barely out of town, and in mid-sentence, S stopped talking and began saying her chest hurt, and that she was having trouble breathing. I pulled over, and we sat there for five minutes or so, and I think she was dealing with an anxiety attack, a panic attack.

Her dad used to get them, too, when we were first back in OR after the hurricane, and she was reacting the same way, poor thing. (One big difference is that he was suicidal also, which made treatment difficult: He refused to go to counseling, so the doc just put him on anti-depressants--which back then had the possible side effect of increasing suicidal tendencies. But there was nothing else to give him. I don't know if he gets them anymore. Part of me used to wish that he would just kill himself once and for all, instead of constantly just threatening to.  It was so desperately stressful. What a horrible life we had back then. No wonder my poor sons began running away at such a young age.)

Anyway, I gave S a lorazepam I carry, and that helped somewhat.  I also taught her about breathing techniques, and mantras for self-hypnosis to ease the fear. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack, but it sure wasn't a heart attack, which is what her dad thought he was experiencing at the time.  We did head over to do the shopping, but after I found 2 scrub tops, a pair of pants, and a pair of nursing shoes in black, we left fairly quickly. She was beginning to feel nauseated, and back at home she lay down and slept for awhile. She ended up staying here overnight, having vomited a few times, and not eating dinner. I was concerned it might be another kidney stone, but she said it wasn't the same feeling or location of pain.

This morning it's almost 8:30, and we've been up since 6. Daylight savings time kicked in overnight, so that will make its effects known later today. I hope S feels better; I know she called in sick for this morning, and she is still asleep.

J's youngest son is due here later this morning for a late breakfast. He's stopped school again, and is working a full-time job and a part-time job, saving up as much money as he can.  Meanwhile, my one son has posted on facebook that he has left Reno and is heading for Santa Ana where his brother is. Seems he has rejoined that magazine sales crew...

Well, despite how I feel about that, it's his choice, and his life. I would think at age 26 they would both be sick and tired of it, but apparently not yet.  It's so hard as a parent to just let them be, and watch them handle their lives. But I have AlAnon, which gives me faith and hope and a sense of knowing I'm doing the right thing. They have to learn on their own. Some kids don't grow up til much later than others...

And yet, when my daughter posted yesterday that she was sick of guys her age texting and asking if she was interested in "hooking up", my firstborn jumped right on that and told her she was exactly right to avoid that, and not to settle for less than she deserved. Or words to that effect. I'm paraphrasing wildly because I can't remember the exact words, but I was so proud of him for backing her up in public and in words. He almost never has done that, so when he does it really reminds me that he has a good and tender heart buried under all the  pain and confusion he is dealing with.  I do have Hope.

Today I will be studying again, after my walk.  Sundays are turning into my only available day to do so. I did get the emailed confirmation that I am scheduled to take my exam in February, but apparently I don't get an actual date til sometime in January. It's going to be down in Eugene. Makes it hard to plan.  I'm not really worried...but I like to know as far in advance as possible.

I just have to stay in today, and trust that this will work out just fine. It usually does.

Financially, we have some looming bills: our own property tax is due on the 15th, and yesterday we got a notice that mom's property tax is paid up for 2012, but that she is/was overdue for 2011!! So we have to come up with another $300-something. I wonder what will happen if we don't pay; they gave us 4 days to pay this in full.  I'm planning on calling my sister today to talk about this. I don't get paid til the 12th, and so we'd have to put this on a cc. We already have to take money out of savings to pay our own taxes, because we're not on a regularly planned bill-paying schedule yet since I've only gotten one paycheck so far. Thank god we do have  it in savings.

 And we also got a notice yesterday that despite my sending in two years' worth of licensing fees to pay for Murphy here in the County,  they sent that check back, saying since his rabies vax is only good for one year, that's all they will accept in fees--one year's fee. Good grief.  It's a lousy $14; I'd sent $24. Keep the freakin money...but this is part of living in a small town.

Fiona has learned to use the scratching post instead of the furniture. I'm so impressed!  She still expects food to be in her bowl at all times...and makes her displeasure known if the bowl is not there. We have to remove it from sight after she has had her breakfast and dinner, and yet Sheba will come inside and yell for food too. It's a job managing who has eaten and who hasn't. Fiona's quite talkative, and I love that. Sheba is too, but only when she wants in or out. Fiona talks a lot, most of the time.

I am settling in at work; it's feeling more manageable.  While I first felt I'd made a mistake (admitting that I'd been going home and crying), now I believe that while maybe that was too honest, I do have to speak up when I'm feeling I'm drowning. Now I feel much better about taking on more. And I've said that. And they have an actual plan on how to continue the training. Phew: it's not all being thrown at me by 5 different people.

 It's just such a different world, orthopedics. Compared to research where I would see maybe 4 patients in a day (and that was a huge amount of work), now we see anywhere from 2-26 patients depending on the day. I do much less person-to-person, and a lot more with the various piles of paperwork and data entry before and after each visit. I'm learning so much. One day I will feel deeply immersed and comfortable, I can see that. And I can also see why my Dr asked me how I handled drama: good grief, there's a lot going on under the surface.

So far he seems pleased with me and how I'm settling in; it's amazing how much work one doctor generates. He is an incredibly active not to say hyper man,  and yet he gives off this air of calm. One morning last week he still hadn't shown up by 7:55, which is most unlike him. When he did walk in, it turned out he had a migraine, and yet he still saw all his patients, and by the time noon came around and he was heading off to finish the afternoon with 3 surgeries he was feeling almost healed. We had to turn off the overhead lights because it was bothering him so it was a bit dim, and we all spoke very softly, and fortunately 4 patients didn't even show up, giving him a much lighter day. And he still said, "You know, normally I need a faster pace than this, but I'm grateful it worked out today---and yet let's not let this happen too often!"  There is no way I could have worked with a migraine, so he must experience them differently.

He seems to be an incredibly driven and organized man, with some weird quirks. He absolutely hates the electronic medical records program, and is being dragged kicking and screaming through this transition. Otherwise he is a neatnik, and takes care of all his paperwork and dictations and obligations right away; I don't have to wait for days for him to sign something, for instance. His desk is shiny clean, with neatly stacked piles, and behind him on another shelf are several bags of different types of M&Ms. I never see him eating them, but I'm told he has to have them available at all times.  He's always polite, and respectful, and thanks us each personally every day for all our work, and yet he doesn't suffer fools gladly. He expects one to learn something right away, yet is very patient with explanations. Really an interesting man. I'm very grateful that I only work for him; It seems to me he'd be difficult to live with.

Okay, I'm done. I'm grateful for my life, and so grateful for my husband's sense of humor.  Last Friday J took me to work so he could run the Honda by the dealership for a repair. I'd  been noticing that the interior light had stopped working when I opened the door, meaning that I climb into a dark car. I'd read the manual, and couldn't figure out how to adjust the switch--couldn't even find any switches, so J thought maybe a fuse had blown or something inside. For things like this we really miss his mechanic son.

When J got to the dealer and explained the problem, the counter person came out to take a look, and checked the light (which worked just fine if you manually turned it on). Then he slowly moved his hand backwards--to the center of the car's ceiling where there was the switch described in the manual... J and I had not ever noticed this before. When he came to pick me up that day, he told this story, and we just howled. Boy, did we feel like idiots. That kind of laughing just makes my day.It was a great start to the weekend.

Wednesday

For some reason, today/tonight has really hit me. I had a good day at work: not a whole lot of patients, working with the PAD. I'm adjusting to the idea of seeing many patients each day (as opposed to research where I saw maybe at the most  FOUR a day); here, a day ranges from 5 to 28 patients. Slowly the days are taking on a kind of routine. Not that they are dull or boring-- no. These days are still learning experiences for me.

But the Doc was out today in surgery, so I just had the PAD (and that is a far cry from the DOC's kind of day, lol).  Yet I kept busy until the very last hour, when I found some busy work to keep me going til it was close enough to 5 to leave.

Then I just zipped over to the recently-discovered KMart not 3 minutes away from the hospital to see if they had any scrubs or nursing clogs. KMart's Online catalog shows plenty of choices. The actual store--not so much. So that means I will need to head over to Albany this weekend and find the Mall for my scrubs and shoes. No biggie, right?

Yet I got home and was suddenly feeling very emotional.  I came inside and decided not to walk with the dog. (I am also dealing with a recurrence of my stomach issues, due to running out of medication and my doc not refilling my meds until I see her in the office, and me calling her to ask for one more refill just til I can get in to see her but not till after Dec 1 when my insurance kicks in...blah blah blah.)

 I changed clothes, and sat down to watch the news. THEN it hit me: the repeated viewing of the Hurricane effects on NJ, NY, CT...I found myself just sobbing.  I keep thinking I've recovered from Hugo, which was 23 freakin' years ago. Good GOD. I just can't bear to watch these scenes, but at the same time I want to watch, too much. The scenes of destruction, of loss, of house after house after house of damage, flood waters, sand, downed trees and no electricity: all of it is so tragic.  The scenes of people crying over their losses.   The idea of so much work, and heartache, and loss, and recovery time. I just found myself sobbing along, and unable to separate myself from experiencing it with them.

 There's just no place that is safe.

  That is the worst realization.

 On a completely different note, we've found that our newest family member is suddenly peeing out of the box. No reason for her to, but two days in a row we've discovered she peed on the bed. Argghh!!!  J is very frustrated. He was supposed to call the vet today, but got sidetracked with other chores  I had (so thoughtfully) listed for him. Sigh. He built me a little shelf contraption next to my desk, so I can store the big computer there, and that leaves my  whole desk area free for me to study.  I'm so thrilled! It will make a big difference...

Tomorrow I have a busy morning: the Doc is In, only in the morning seeing patients. Then a quiet afternoon--he leaves to do surgery in the afternoon.

Maybe the day will be better. Of course the day will be better!  The RN told me she didn't want me "going home and crying" anymore; we both laughed, but she confided that she had days like that too. That really helped me. It's a tough job, and I'm learning
that the office is understaffed anyway; my manager is in the process of hiring people--or at least interviewing. We'll see what happens.

Okay. It's almost Friday!!! Isn't it??

Oh, and good ol' Alan called to ask J what to do re the Suburban. The back window is broken apparently; and do we want to fix it?   After discussing it with J, we decided the hell with repairing one more thing. J told him to list it on craigslist or whatever, but that we are selling it as is.... no more repairs. If we have to settle for less money, so be it.

I am so ready for this year to be over. For some reason I thought "2012--what a great number! It'll be a great year!!"

 No. It's turning out to be one of my toughest years ever.  A great learning experience--- but a very hard year.

Sunday

I'm feeling human these days, again, finally. I believe  now that I can do this job once I recognize all aspects; I'm still finding out various parts and pieces. RN will casually say "Once you're doing this (instead of me) then I'll be free to pick back up on such-and-such." "Oh...umm, that's part of my job too?"  Yup... and each time I think holy cow, I will never get it all straight.  Well, it's slow learning, but no one seems impatient, or frustrated with my pace; in fact people are grateful and genuinely happy to see me, and relieved that I keep showing up every morning.  I know now that I'm not a fast learner, but once I learn, it's in there, and eventually I will be efficient and thorough.

I got to shadow the doc Thursday morning as he saw patients, along with our resident, Blake. So for every appointment the doc would walk in, followed by me and Blake, the doc would introduce us, and then we stayed in the background as the doc listened intently to what the complaint was, and then did his physical exam of the body part (my doc only does knees and shoulders), inspected and shared the results of the various MRIs or xrays on the monitor, then did his teaching and offering his options for treatment.  Sometimes all that he did was administer an injection, and other times surgery was the only option.

 It was absolutely fascinating to listen to. I'm so impressed. Thank god I can respect and admire my doc; one of the docs here is apparently a real bear to work for, according to one of the MAs I was training with last week. So bad that she actually has given her notice.  But my doc is patient, thoughtful, listens and takes his time. I've learned that he routinely runs anywhere from 20 min to 1 hour behind, because he does take his time with every single patient. And that the patients don't mind waiting because they know he won't rush them.  (Running behind that far is bothering *me*, but  everyone assures me that uncomfortable feeling will pass!! That seems odd to me, but they're okay with it. No one is going to encourage him to speed up and spend less time with these people...)

 Anyway I'm learning a lot, and putting it all together.  It helps that he's only in two days a week, because the rest of the time I am prepping for those days, or recovering from one of those days. Plus being the CMA for the PAD who is there every day, with a much lighter patient schedule, thankfully. He does most of his own work, but is a good teacher and happy to share skills and knowledge; he was walking me through how to prepare injections Thursday, and I've now also obtained nasal smears and removed staples.

Friday afternoon I spent in yet another CPR class right there at the hospital. I took an online re-certification at home in September, which turned out to be no good because that company wasn't officially recognized by the AHA. The hospital only recognizes and approves AHA-CPR certification. Figures. So I was given the option of taking the first half of the CPR certification online via a video game kind of thing, and then the second half with actual hands-on training.  I've spent 2-3 sessions about 2 hours each time trying to do this damn video game, and cannot do it; I just don't have the brain which is used to this method. I finally asked my manager if I could just attend a regular class, and so I did on Friday. Much, much easier, and although  I am still sore today in my shoulders and wrists, at least it's done.

J had some health scares recently, but the EKG and heart monitor both were fine. He's due to see his cardio doc later this week, and the coumadin level is jumpy. Worse, his knee is really bothering him, the knee that he didn't have replaced 10 years ago. He's very afraid that he's facing another replacement. He's been given a different kind of pain reliever, the same one I'm on for my ITB syndrome. And he's been told No Walking if it's causing pain. His doc is having him see *my* doc for a consult, so that will be interesting. (My doc doesn't do actual knee replacements, but he does the arthroscopies,  injections, and various tear repairs; another doc in the practice does the replacements).

So I'm back to walking alone, or with the dog. We were at this point last fall due to his foot issue; that got fixed with cortisone, so maybe...

This morning it's just pouring, that nasty insistent steady drizzle. It's nothing compared to what the East Coasters will be experiencing, but it still makes the idea of walking not something to look forward to.  It's fairly warm though-- upper 50s. I will try to brave the outdoors later if it lets up. Yesterday I did a long walk, and in the late afternoon on Friday when I got home from CPR I also did a long walk. As a result I'm a bit sorer than I am usually. Well, *I'm* not sore, but my ITB is very sore. I need to remember to take the tramadol before walking...instead of afterwards.

 I came home from yesterday's walk just feeling like a solid block of lead. I took a tramadol, and J made corned beef hash and poached eggs for lunch (which uses up a LOT of points on my WW program, but oh it was good!)---and then I read, flat on my back, for a couple of hours. I even napped for an hour. It was wonderful. Haven't done that in a while. Very nice, on a grey, drizzly day with nothing pressing to do.  Today I will make up for it, with studying.  With music in the background, and my husband puttering, it's very peaceful, very cosy.

Later today, he will drive up to P'land. The film he made back in May and June is having its premiere tonight at one of the museums.  I feel a bit guilty not going with him, but I really need to take care of myself and not go anywhere. He will be getting a copy of the film on a DVD, so I will get to see it too--just not up there.  (Why is it being held on a Sunday night??? He won't be getting home til after 11, and that's just crazy.)

I finally got my first paycheck in yesterday's mail. (I'd signed up for direct deposit, but it takes a few cycles to start.) It was wonderful to get that check; now we can plan for how to pay off the cc's, and there won't be such an up-in-the-air feeling on what will be happening.  What a relief!!  I did get 4 hours of overtime, and that isn't supposed to happen, but because I was in training that will be forgiven. From now on I'm to keep to 40 hours a week. That full-time schedule, along with the ridiculously short commute of 10 minutes (which means I fill up the tank once a month, instead of twice a week)  will result in the ability to be out of debt within 6 months, not including my school loan. TYG. I am so grateful.

I did get my great-grandmother's diamond ring back from the jeweler last week, too. We'd noticed that one of the 4 shanks holding the diamonds was completely sliced through, so, much as it pained me to remove the ring from my finger, we sent it off for repair, along with replacing a clasp on a necklace I've inherited. Together the repairs were only $120.  It's now back where it belongs on my hand, and I feel a lot better.

Interestingly, I'd also asked for an estimate to repair my emerald and diamond ring; this is one I found probably 30 years ago in a little shop in Charleston and had bought for myself for around $100. At the time it seemed like a lot of money. But the estimate to repair (the loss just a few weeks ago of one of the tiny emeralds) was $280. Ridiculous.  So I won't be doing that, thank you very much.  I have quite a collection now of jewelry that needs repair, someday when I win the lottery. That's okay...I am in no rush.

We also had Alan prep mom's house for winter: he "blew the pipes out", and shut off the water. He actually had his boss help with this, and so it cost us some money again, but this way we don't have to worry about the pipes freezing.   I guess we have to be prepared for a long quiet period; there probably won't be a chance in hell that someone would want to look at (much less buy) an isolated 20 acre parcel with some buildings.

Grief is a strange beast. When I think of Gramma, to this day, I can feel tears right there, and depending on where I am and what I'm doing, I allow myself to get those out there.  With mom, I haven't felt the same kind of feeling: it's an intermittent sadness,  a sudden remembering that she is not up there in WA anymore, not even remotely in my world anymore.  It's more a realization of how deeply sick and in-pain she was for so much longer than I'd realized. She really never recovered fully from losing her mom, I think; more and more I feel she was deeply damaged emotionally, by that loss especially but even before then.  I'm finding myself greatly relieved that she is at peace now, that she is not fighting so hard anymore.  I can let go and not worry about her anymore. She's okay now.

I wonder how the animals are doing; I wonder if they are all happy where they are. She was so sick for so long that maybe they are doing even better now than before. I think that property up there needs a healing time, a time to go back to the peaceful benign neglect. Mom worried so much about all she wasn't able to do that I wonder if she didn't in a way poison the living beings. It makes me feel peaceful and happy, picturing the property covered in snow, sleeping. Knowing that she isn't there fretting.

Don't know if that even makes sense, but it sure makes my Sundays better, knowing that I don't have to call and find out how she is.  It's done. A part of me wishes this didn't sound so...cold? But it's the truth-- the past 18months took their toll on me too, and I'm slowly recovering *my* balance. It's  a process.

Every day feels long--- but this whole month has flown by. What a month of change. What a year of change.

Sunday

The missing chicken showed up the next day, looking very bedraggled and wet. Have no idea where she was or what happened, but all the ladies are sticking close to home. The neighbors also have chickens now (a beautiful exotic breed all feathered in striking black and white), so they are constantly trying to jump over the fence and join ours. We are not encouraging this...so J had to put up more chicken wire fencing at the area where they congregate to observe our ladies.

Frustrating though, because our ladies have slowed way down in their egg production already. We will have to resort to buying eggs at this rate.

Work is slightly better: I have only cried twice this past week. Sigh. I think I have the rooming-of-patients and most of the data-entry-into-the-electronic-medical-record part down, but everything else is still a blur. This coming week they decided to change my training process, thankfully; one  CMA will be teaching me, not 4 different people. That will help a lot.

Yesterday after the Meeting I spoke with the two other members who also work at Samaritan, and that was so helpful; both were very encouraging, and said they'd felt the exact same ways many times. Each has been there a  number of years, and each is familiar with what I'm experiencing. So it's not just me--it's the whole company, the whole culture. Both gave me their extensions, so I can call either one to vent, or ask questions.

Last Sunday, and today, I will be spending the day studying. Last Sunday I only got through reading one chapter, and halfway through that chapter's test. At this rate I won't make it through the textbook in time to take the test. So I have to step it up somehow. I'm hoping my energy level comes up as time goes by and I feel more comfortable on the job; that way I can study during the week as well. Right now I come home, change clothes and walk right away, and collapse for the evening.

The new cat is adjusting well. She and Sheba are still occasionally hissing as they pass each other, but they aren't fighting or attacking each other. Fiona is still trying to figure out a  good place to sleep--she's tried upstairs under the futon, and my rocker, and the wooden rocker, and the latest is our bed. That's fine with me-- she is a cuddle cat sometimes, and I like seeing a cat on the bed.  She really wants to go outside-- we have to really watch the door if we're coming or going. She's a very dark tortoiseshell and I've come close to stepping on her a couple of times (because she disappears onto the rug pattern).

One of the pediatricians I used to work with died suddenly last week. It was so shocking to read; he was only 2 years younger than me, and I hadn't seen him in years, but he was the one who originally asked me to move with him to a different site when he and the other peds set up their own clinic. Looking back, I wonder what would have changed if I'd done that. Because several months later I was let go by that new manager. If I'd moved with him, my whole career path would have changed, I'm sure. There was no reason given in the obit as to why he died, so I've emailed my old instructor for details. She also worked for him for 18 years, and had stayed in touch of course. He was a very sweet  and gentle man, leaving two teens and a wife. I considered going down for the memorial service today, but just can't bring myself to.

Fall is here; the rains have started finally, and the boat is now protected in the carport . J will still be able to work on it throughout the winter. The work involved turns out to be more detailed than expected---isn't that always true. Once my paychecks are regular, and a known amount, then we'll be able to plan for how to budget for those repair plans.  J went to the coast last week to retrieve some parts  (that Travis isn't using) from the sailboat, so that saved us quite a bit of money. 

It's almost 9am, and it's not raining at the moment, so I will get ready to do my walk.

Saturday

OMG. This has been one hell of a stressful week. I have not been on a roller coaster like this since the days surrounding mom's death. I am utterly exhausted, and so grateful today is a day of NotWorking.

Every. Single. Day. this week has been incredibly long and involved and jam-packed with learning. I feel overwhelmed. I come home and cry every night because I am so tired, so stuffed with new knowledge. New computer and several new programs (which each have their own user id and password to be created), new phone system, completely new environment--not only the hospital but my own clinic which is huge and maze-like; new co-workers, boss, doctors, PAs. New job duties, with trainings to attend either in person or online (all by a certain date--no pressure there...).

Then, deciding on the complicated benefits package--holy cow. Unless I'm misunderstanding the available providers, I think my own dearly loved doc is not a contracted provider with this new insurance. (Which means I might need to switch docs again.) Or, I could keep seeing her, and just pay more money since she is  out-of-network. I have to decide if this is worth it.

Two days of orientation on Monday and Tuesday, one learning the Company's history, and the other day learning the Hospital's history and system workings. (No tour though as I was hoping. But there is a map.) They covered so much that I have three inch-thick booklets of information.

Then Wednesday I reported to my clinic, Orthopedics. Thankfully my doc DrSK isn't there on Wednesdays (or Mondays or Fridays for that matter), as he does surgeries. Clinic days (Tuesdays and Thursdays) are when we see the patients for consults, pre-ops, and post-op visits. He also has a physician's assistant who is there daily, DrD, aka PAD, and so my responsibilities are to room his patients, too. Wednesday morning I was trained on the EMR computer system,  and then given a tour and introduced to all.  My new boss B*** had greeted me that morning with a big smile and Hi E!! and then much to my surprise a hug. At 4:25, B*** came and collected me for an hour long staff meeting, and I learned a lot there too. I was able to pick out the troublemakers, the drama queens DrSK referred to, right away. Hmm.
Thursday, Sara the MA who I'm replacing was there all day to train me. It just so happened to be DrSK's birthday so he wasn't in the office that day either. Phew! I had some time to learn the rooming and data entry processes, and go over charts, and  familiarize myself with the layout of my pod; I share that large space with DrSK's RN who assists him with surgeries. So she's been there almost every day, very distracted and busy with her stuff. 
Yesterday, PAD was the only one in, and I was expected to jump in and room these patients, and then do the updating in the EMR! Holy cow... Fortunately there were only 4 patients all in the morning; talk about a crash course.  But some of the other MAs were there too, and were able to help if I needed it. I got more training from B*** in the afternoon on some other things, learning also that Sara "wasn't big on filing..." so things are not where they should be.
I came home every day and walked, except for Thursday when I had my WW meeting. Not surprised to learn I didn't lose this past week; I wasn't able to do more than 2 miles on any night.That extra mile makes a big difference.

Poor J has been so supportive of my extreme fragility, sensitivity, crying at the drop of a hat. Wednesday night he had learned that because we hadn't gotten a bill from the gas company since July, we now owe over $600.  They had switched us over to electronic billing, and we were never notified. That just was...the straw that broke this camel's back.  In all the confusion over the summer, I never noticed we hadn't gotten a paper bill from them as we always had, and therefore never followed up with them. Now, we are stuck.   J doesn't see it as a real problem: we will just pay it off as we can, as soon as my pay periods are established and we can set up a new system. I however just lost it; I see it as one more failure on my part, and am stressing over how soon we can take care of it. Sigh.

The unemployment benefits obviously ended with this week's money. When I call into the automated system on Sunday, I will be reporting that  I did work, so I won't be getting anymore. I don't know when my first check will be deposited in my account, so we are just going to be paying the minimums required, as usual. I'm so grateful to have a full time job and that we can begin to pay down these balances.

I exchanged my regular phone for a new smartphone, and it arrived Wednesday; I have no earthly idea how to use it. The tutorials online are useful to a point, but I'm grateful my daughter will be visiting us this afternoon, and she can help me in person. One reason I switched is that I can no longer use my computer at work to check emails, or the news, or anything--there is no personal use allowed. (Except for lunch time--however we cannot eat at our desks, so there's no point to staying in the building. This week I just sat out in my car for the half hour, and read recovery literature while  I ate.)

So I decided the easiest way to be able to check stuff is to get a smart phone. Steep learning curve though. Very stressful considering a new phone and a new job--maybe not the best time!

And one of our chickens is missing; the leader hen wasn't around last night, and has not shown up this morning. She is a very curious and sweet-natured thing, who took over originally when the first leader disappeared without a  trace.

More has happened this week, but I will need to catch this up later.