Friday

  Yesterday I spoke with Toni, DrB's research nurse (that's her on the left) and they are not planning on moving in, as BossJ had said. Someone misunderstood! (Phew...I was wondering how this would work.) Instead she said that DrB wanted to know if I was going to continue working, and if so for how long. I remembered what BossJ had told me, and said I absolutely love my job--but I do not want to do the commute after this transfer of ownership. I just can't justify it anymore, financially. Just too damn much gas money. So probably "through fall", whatever that means.

   So that feels good, to have that information updated. I've had no response to my application for part-time work at the hospital here, and I hear that is common in today's job market (not hearing back). Although, they did email me back that they'd be in touch after reviewing  all apps. BossJ knows I am looking for part-time work up here. If I need to quit working Wednesdays to accommodate job hours here, that will work out just fine.

   Today we are heading to P'land. I won 4 tickets to be in the audience at the taping of Wheel of Fortune, and it's J's favorite show to watch, along with Jeopardy. (He has to watch every night, and play along. When those shows come on after the news, that's my signal to get up and do the cleanup of the kitchen after dinner. Doesn't take me long. I do like Jeopardy, as that seems a bit more intelligent.)

    ANYway, today we are going up with my daughter S and his daughter V, to make a day of it. We are told to be there by 2, and seats are first come first served, so we'll plan to be there by 1, and see what happens. He is very excited to see Vanna in person...one of the funny quirks about my husband is his fascination with the  dresses she wears. Every night there is some comment about how flattering tonight's outfit is or isn't, and whether that is a good color or style or fit. So funny. It'll be interesting to see what goes on behind the scenes.

   Tomorrow he goes back up to P'land for his acting class, and then Monday he goes up again, but this time it's for Grimm. They want him to be a "disreputable character in a waterfront bar" (well, this show is set in Portland....) So that trip he'll be paid for anyway. Yay!

 I hope something comes of the acting classes; he's already submitted his info/photos for a few auditions.  He's getting a big kick out of this; he's been rehearsing one speech from Desire Under The Elms for two weeks now and I feel I just hate Burl Ives at this point. Sigh. J is playing Ephraim, doing the big speech to Sophia Loren that ends with him asking her "hasn't anything I've said enlightened you yet?"  or words to that effect.
 
Rain all week, and more rain in the forecast. All the way til next week. I hope the travel today is safe. We'll be taking the Lincoln, as it's heavy and solid in the gusting winds and rain.

  

  
 

Tuesday

    Updates on a few things: first, kitty Elizabeth is oddly doing much better. We think now she must have had a stroke. She wobbled around drastically for a few days, lurching and dragging her back end. As of today she is eating as she was before, grooming herself, still lurching but that's because she is blind and cannot yet determine where she is going. She bumps into walls or Murphy, or furniture, but then stops for a minute and then heads off in another direction. She isn't crying, and does not seem to be in pain. Very weird. For a few days she would just sit stiffly in my lap, and there would be no sound, no purring, before she got off. But now she is purring again, and seems to be much more aware. I'm relieved, as it was so hard to see her struggling. Still, we keep her inside at night, and take turns getting up to comfort her if she yowls.

   The wall in the office is still torn down--hasn't been touched since the day we first started working on it. To be fair it's strictly due to lack of money to buy the next installment of supplies, but J gets paid tomorrow, so he'll get what is needed at Habitat. It's kind of a mess in there; but it's temporary. I keep reminding myself of that.

    My daughter drove up to do her laundry and stay overnight with us Friday, planning on getting an early start to her long drive. But the more we talked about it, the more it became clear she really did not want to go at all, and was only doing this from a sense of obligation and guilt. We left it to her, but just discussed pros and cons...and eventually she decided not to go. I'm actually relieved at that because it turns out there is an oil leak in her car, and she really needs to take care of that before attempting a long drive.

    My mom was disappointed that S wasn't going, of course, but I did talk with her both Friday evening, and Sunday.  She did not know S was here, or that there was any discussion at all. She sounded both very tired, and very much more alert. Still there were moments: once she asked me what year it was. She again complained a lot about the lack of a computer to work on, and asked me if I knew what the hold up was. Said she hadn't had time (all week??) to check to see if the facebook address/password worked. Hmm. She asked if I would call again Sunday, since she was concerned about her health issues.

   Also mentioned she was "signing off of Hospice" as of that day, so she could get her CT scan Monday. That sparked a lot of discussion--I'm very confused on this, and she sounded it too. Apparently Hospice wont pay for any more CTs if a diagnostic one has already happened. The only way around that little rule is for her to (temporarily or not) sign herself off Hospice, have the CT scan, and then sign back on.  When I asked who then would be paying for it, she didn't know, and didn't care.  At the same time,  she was saying this  would save the Fed Govt money, so that they wouldn't have to pay for her weekly aide.  I'm confused over who is paying for what now, and she was unable to clear any of that up. But she sounded very determined to have this CT. The amount of pain she is experiencing is not being eased. Apparently this can be a sign that the cancer has progressed. She wants to know if it is or not. Understandable. And then she can sign back on Hospice, and continue with her weekly aide, whom she has bonded with. Vicki and Angela. They are now her dear friends. Sigh. One of them, I don't remember which, is the person who suggested going off and on Hospice, to ease her mind, saying this was a common practice in WA state.

    Saturday after my meeting  we had our monthly business meeting, and I now have a list of literature to purchase this week. R dropped us off a check yesterday, so I will pick the books up tomorrow.

   I got home around 12:30, to find S there, waiting for me. We had a quick lunch and then set off walking. It was a gorgeously brisk day, cool but sunny, windy. On that day we saw something I've never seen before, a mating ball (of garter snakes). They were completely oblivious to us, and we watched for several minutes. S leaned in close to get a photo, and the whole wriggling mass kind of slithered off a few inches, but they didn't seem concerned at all. It wasn't til I put this up on facebook that a friend posted this was a mating ball, and even added a clip of the same thing from you-tube. Kinda cool, and kinda weird; I'm not at all a fan of snakes, but I definitely am of Nature, and unusual photos.

  At work Monday, BossJ told me she was seriously considering selling the business this fall. Not next summer of 2013.  The doc who is buying the business has run out of room in his building, so he wants to bringing his three staff over here, where they will see their patients. (Ah, excuse me??) This sort of shook me up. BossJ will remove her personal stuff from her office and two of B's staff will take over/share that space, and the third will share space with me in my office. Hmm.

   Part of this decision is because  the Sponsor still isn't paying Bosses what is owed til April. So they are skating by, paying only me, and putting all others on hold. My bosses haven't been paid since last December, which is pretty unacceptable.  She is pretty fed up, and on top of school  pressures, she just isnt willing to continue. I can't say I blame her.

   So I was a bit concerned, wondering if this means I need to start looking now, etc etc. I talked with J and my group-friends last night, and decided I needed to get more information from BossJ today, which I did. She promises to give me 2 months' notice, and also  both bosses are pretty sure I will be working "through the Fall".  Things could change between now and then of course, but BossJ knows I need enough notice so I can start looking for employment which offers benefits. She will also give me the same training she will be giving DrB's staff, on how to do certain testings, certain ratings. That gives me more oomph on my resume.

   And I see now that DrB's coordinator called me, to discuss the upcoming changes. I'll call her back tomorrow.

Thursday

   We've had a couple of very exciting days.

    Tuesday afternoon I left work early because of a severe headache I'd woken with; all my usual medications did not do a thing to ease this. It wasn't a migraine, and I was a bit disappointed, since my migraine meds do work very quickly and powerfully. But I'd stopped at Target to get my refill of the fiorecet,  and headed home.

   A friend was there, M (who is actually a friend of J's, and who has become a dear friend to me). He stops in almost daily to spend his lunch hour with J. I hadn't seen him in weeks, and just last week J told me M had shared that his 28year marriage was ending. I was shocked. Neither J or  I have ever met his wife, and he almost never talks about her, but still: they have grown kids and grandkids, and he never hinted at any difficulties.  So I was glad to hear the story directly from him, and turns out there is alcoholism and addiction in the picture, too. Imagine that.

   Once M had left, I decided to go for a walk despite the headache pain, because otherwise I'd just sink into bed and give in.  We had a good long walk, and  I felt better than I expected too; the headache was finally starting to ease off. That night there was no mention even of "possible snow" when we watched the news. In fact, it had continued to rain, just as it had since our walk.

   Wednesday morning my alarm never went off--I have it set to a radio station from the town I work in, and I later found out it had been knocked off air. By the SNOW STORM; sometime during the night the loud rain had turned to silent snow.

    J had as usual gotten up before me, and says he told me it was snowing. He says I murmured something which to him meant "I'm not going to work". So when I woke up and glanced at the clock it said 6:40. Argghhh!! (I normally am out the door by 6:45.) I leaped up and noticed it was snowing hard. Unbelievable. Beautiful and unexpected yet I never considered not going to work. But J  insisted  offered to go with me, saying he was just going to be practicing his speech anyway and would be worrying about me driving if he stayed home, so we set off at around 7:20. Of course he drove...so all I had to do was hang on to Murphy.

   At around 8:30 we arrived at my work.  It was a long and scary drive, and we passed accidents and broken limbs everywhere. It was definitely mesmerizing to watch the endlessly falling snow as we drove, and most people were not driving crazily--- but there were many near misses because of the sheer amount of water and snow on the road.

   No one was in the parking lot at work, no one was even in the building. We went in and I turned the alarm off.  J had already decided that it was insane to stay til 1 as I'd planned. We'd heard the weather reports by then, and it was not expected to improve. Everything was closed or cancelled.  I talked with BossJ; down where she lives they got snow too, not quite as much, but based on that we decided to reschedule our Thursday morning patient til next Thursday. So I got ready for Monday's patients (in case I couldn't get in the next day either), and did what other jobs I could. I have a couple of FedExes that needed to go out, but since I wasn't going to be in the office to wait for the pick  up, they will just have to wait til the next day I'm there.There's nothing "urgent" as in life-threatening; "urgent" in research has quite a different meaning...

   Then we locked up the building, headed for the car. Murphy bounded off the walkway sinking right into a 6-inch drift. We loaded back into the car, and drove back home . A drive which normally takes me less than an hour took closer to 2; accidents, detours, people driving much slower, continually falling snow, etc.

   Once home, we stayed inside. I had absolutely no desire to go out and walk in it. It snowed all day long. This never happens! Usually the snow stops after a few hours, and then it's melted within a day. Yesterday it kept on snowing, and snowing, and snowing.  We kept the bird trays filled, and all day kept hearing loud thunks on the roof where snow was falling off the trees. There  were birds on the tray all day, 6 or 8 at a time.   The chickens never came out of their coop-- they hunkered down inside.

    This is continuing today, Thursday-- the snow has finally stopped and we have about 6 inches, the most I've seen in a very long time. Right now there are 4 doves on the tray, and all over the ground are the juncos and sparrows and finches, even robins.  Our old heritage lilac in the far corner of the property has split in half, and one half has fallen over the fence, killed by the weight of the snow.

   With all this weather excitement, we also have a kitty who is dying. J had called me at work Tuesday to prepare me for seeing the shock of Elizabeth's failing condition. She is wobbling badly when she does move, doesn't eat anything, drinks water only occasionally, and as of last night was barely purring when I did pick her up to cuddle her.  She wants to be by the wood stove all the time. I don't think she is aware that anything is happening outside her--all her focus is on what's happening inside.  She can't see, so the pupils of her eyes are huge.

    I emailed BossJ last night to let her know that unless the snow magically melted away during the night I wasn't going in, and she is fine with that. Once again all schools are closed, and people are encouraged to not go anywhere unless it's absolutely necessary. (It might be necessary to go get more bird seed...and canned cat food--it's the only thing Elizabeth can eat.)

   Late yesterday J and I got restless and decided to tackle the remaining wall in office; we removed all the breakables and then moved the three bookcases and the file cabinet to the other side of the room. J began taking down the old dry-walled stuff, and we had it all down and carted outside within an hour or so. (In between times he is memorizing the speech he has to give at Saturday's class. Something from Desire Under The Elms.)

    In all the other stuff that's going on, I don't think I've written about the business venture. Briefly, he is pursuing a possible source of income involving supplying the local service industries with Indoor Booties.  These booties are meant to be worn inside the customer's home by the workmen, to prevent damage or wear or whatever to the customer's rugs and floors. A cable person was here a few weeks ago, complaining to J about this very lack, saying their previous supplier had disappeared... fast forward to now: J and this young man and a professional pattern maker are waiting to hear from the cable company on when they want the first shipment.  It could be big, and it could lead to other companies' orders---or it could go nowhere. He's waiting to see.

   And life goes on.
   It seems S will be heading up to visit mom in a few days. She is dreading it, and yet is still going to do this. That is a hell of a drive for one thing, and for another actually being in mom's house is awful (because of the smoke). But this is S's spring break, and it's the only chance she has to go.  I hope her car is healthy enough to make the trip, and I sure hope the weather is friendly.

   It's been a year since mom's diagnosis, and frankly I didn't expect her to be around this long. Talking to her on the phone is so stressful. I can't imagine how she is managing this. But I also have no desire to go up and see for myself. I'm kind of relieved that S will go, and at the same time I will worry for her.

   Well, prayers are the only thing I can do. And I will continue with those.

  The sun is beginning to shine, and the snow is starting to melt off the trees; I can see steady drips and huge chunks falling. I'm thankful we have plenty of wood.
 

Sunday

    For the past few days I've been feeling weepy, or over-emotional. I've found myself in tears several times, for no "apparent" reason. I will be listening to a song, or talking to J about something which is seemingly not related. Suddenly the tears are flooding, and I wasn't aware that something was even lurking under there.

Some things I can connect this to:
    1) My kitty who is heading downhill quite rapidly.  It is scary to see her so confused, so wobbly, so suddenly much less with-it.  I don't want to put her to sleep, but I wish she would just die naturally. I feel so conflicted; guilty, and sorrowful, and wondering if I'm being selfish in keeping her alive.
    (And of course, this triggers feelings of what mom must be going through--not that I'm keeping her alive, but I think she is fighting to stay alive, and yet she is So Tired.)

   2) My anxiety over J's  business : I've never been the wife of a successful person, and have no idea how to do this. What if I don't come across as supportive? What if I am not doing the right things to help?  Or, what if I do and then the business fails? What if we lose money? What if he is successful?

  3) My anxiety over money itself is a big and separate issue. This is ongoing though, and definitely not new. Sometimes it's connected to concerns related to the global picture, sometimes it's strictly personal and local, as in, oh crap, we have x number of dollars and payday isn't til such-and-such a date.

  4) Restlessness. Why??  I have trouble settling down and focusing on something. I spent the afternoon alone at home yesterday while J was in Portland, and while I got plenty of  stuff done, I didn't find it as enjoyable as I'd expected to. I'm almost never alone, so I was really looking forward to it. Well, I thought I was looking forward to it.  It might be related to the bloody damn rain and cold--I'm so tired of it. Can't work outside really, not yet. Too cold, too damp, too much chance of a frost still. I feel cooped up inside, but outside is not tempting at all. I ended up putting some music on and just turning it up, singing along and sometimes dancing. That always does help my mood.

   J and I were talking Friday morning, before heading out to do our chores. I had finally confided how worried I was over the idea of him being successful, and the accompanying responsibilities I'd have. I was afraid to bring it up because I thought it would make me sound like I didn't have faith in his ability to do this business venture. (I can trace this back to my ex, always making it sound like it was somehow my fault when his big plans didn't work--somehow it was related to my not being supportive enough, or that I didn't believe in him. Ie, if I'd been a better partner, this would have worked out.)  

   And J said something which really helped me:  he said that he was glad I was talking to him about this, because "expressing doubt identifies problems".  Not problems with him,  but  problems we needed to work on with the product. He said he valued my input or my concerns or my doubts, because far from taking those personally, he sees those as legitimate business issues. If I have questions, then so would someone else, and then he can think ahead on how to address those.  I keep forgetting that he is/was a successful salesman; he is used to rejection or doubt, and because  of this he is skilled at not taking it personally. He figures it is merely a sign of some other way he can negotiate a  sale, that's all. It's just another challenge to him, and he enjoys that process.

   Clearly I sometimes need the reminder that "this is not That Marriage"!  I'm so blessed, so grateful. I so appreciate J's constant and endlessly patient manner. He never ever gets upset that I still need reassurance. Even though we've been together over 5 years now. I get so frustrated with myself that I feel fearful sometimes; jeez, it's been years since I was out of that marriage, but the effects are long-lasting.

   And actually, when I stop to think about it, J has these flashbacks, too. I don't take them personally, I have a lot of patience. I feel like we both came out of war zones, in some ways.  I think we both have PTSD-M. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder--Marriage.) I understand, and don't feel he should be "over it"; why am I so hard on myself then??  We both have a lot of recovery to do, yet.

   I've had not-quite nightmares for the past 3 nights. Bad enough that I wake from them, but not to the point where I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I guess that's progress. Several months ago I quit taking the muscle relaxant at night, thinking it should be obvious by now that it's not helping my headaches. The neurologist prescribed them thinking they would eventually retrain my brain. Sometimes I'm a bit slow to realize something isn't working. But I feel good about not taking them anymore.

   Friday after the chores got done, we had lunch and then walked. On the way back J decided this was the day to harvest the fallen oak. (A few months ago during a big storm a huge old oak fell across the road and the power company came and cut it up just enough to remove it from and repair the wires it had torn down, but then just left the wood there on the side of the road. J's  had his eye on it ever since.) So he drove his ol truck down there while I walked back down with Murphy, and started chainsawing. Two hours later most of it was cut up into pieces we could load into the truck, and he was utterly wiped out---yet triumphant and so proud of himself that he could still work  so hard. The truck bed was almost completely filled.

   (Today we will be unloading that truck, and adding it to the growing pile we have waiting to dry out. We have a good start on the next winter's supply.)

   After dinner and a tub bath he was recovered enough that we stayed up to watch "The Descendants", which we'd rented. Really enjoyed it, and then fell into bed. Saturday we both had plans: him to P'land for his actor's training, and me to my meeting first and then home to enjoy a few hours alone. 


 Today is Sunday, too. So I'll be calling mom. This is something I grit my teeth to do. I know I will feel better when it's over, and that I'm doing the right thing--but it sure isn't something I enjoy. I wish I did.   I re-learned an acronym for DETACH at the meeting yesterday: Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her.  I love it.   Also, WAIT: Why Am I Talking. And WAIST:  Why Am I Still Talking.These are such good reminders, both to detach with love, and to see the humor if I can.

      Good things I can see today: my daffodils are blooming up all over my gardens. My grape hyacinth are slow this year, and I'm worried that the chickens ate those bulbs. But the hydrangea is starting to bud. AND my pussy willows! I have collected several branches from my walks in the Preserve, and planted them all along our bank. The Flood washed away some of them, but others are definitely blooming, and that makes me so happy to see. We are keeping the chickens in the pen, and sure enough there have been eggs almost every day. Hmmmm ....
    This morning the bird tray is filled with doves, jays, sparrows, juncos, towhees, chickadees and finches.  I've also seen a nuthatch checking out the birdhouse above the gate.

And when my husband asked what I wanted for breakfast  this morning, on a whim I said, Cinnamon Rolls!!  And he promptly raided the change jar and drove to the store to get me some...which I have now baked. Their fragrance is heavenly...Time for breakfast.
   

  

Wednesday

    Today , once I arrived at work, I found an email from my boss; once again they are having issues with the sponsors paying them in a timely fashion. So I am asked to work just til noon on Wednesdays, and 8-3 on M,T, and Th. I'm okay with that: It's not cutting into our finances a huge amount, maybe 4-5 hours weekly. Sometimes that does feel like a chunk of time but that depends on the pay period too: some pay periods have only 7 days, others have up to 10. Whatever; I will deal with it.

    I'm also intermittently looking for part-time or on-call work that I can do on F/S/S; although I should add that J does not want me giving up our time together and I get that. I don't want  to add another job, but between cutting my hours and the increase in the price of gas and the increased drives to P'land for J, we are having to make the budget streeeetch. When J starts bringing in pay from these acting gigs, then things will ease up a bit, I think. (Maybe I should say if J starts bringing in money...I'm not counting on anything, but it sure seems about-to-be happening. )

    I'm grateful we haven't been asked to drive up to Spokane; but if we are, the answer will heavily depend on whether she wants to pay for the gas.

    When I did call her back Sunday, it turned out her asking us to call was simply to get our phone numbers. Once again she has lost or misplaced them; odd because at her side is a book case with a whole area devoted to papers filled with phone numbers of Important People. I was quickly reviewing it once to see if I could clear up that pile, and I saw old phone numbers (of mine anyway)  going back to my Charleston days. These numbers weren't crossed out even, so no wonder she can't keep track of which number is current.  I didn't have time to review with her all these numbers and contacts, so that is a mess which remains unresolved.

    Then Monday I got another email (which was also sent to a few others) from her announcing that I had "changed the aol password again" (her words btw -- I've never changed it before) and that she was scrambling to figure that out. Whaaat.   I double-checked that she could still get into her email, and sent her a query on this-- because she and I had already talked about this and resolved it.  No response.  Maybe I'm looking for trouble here, but it sure seems that she is over-reacting...

   Then yesterday I got an email from one of her friends: this friend is concerned that mom is experiencing the effects of the cancer possibly having spread to her brain. The friend received an email from mom which was sympathizing with the friend's recent neurosurgery, and bringing her up to date on her own broken ribs and shoulder. Sounds normal, except that the friend's email mom was responding to was from 3/1  of 2011. A whole year ago-- and more concerning, mom and this friend have spoken and emailed numerous times during the past year already discussing this, among other things.

   I don't know whether to bring this up to mom. My purpose would be---what? To bring to her attention the fact that she is forgetting more and more? Would that do any good?

   She told me that her local doc Jim is working with Medicaid on obtaining another CT scan to determine if the cancer has begun spreading again. She is in a lot of pain almost always, although she was happy to report the ibuprofen we talked about last Sunday was helping a lot. She'd been hesitant to start it, because it's "so hard on the liver".  I helped her talk through the pros and cons, and in the end she was going to try it. I'm glad she did.  This seems like a no-brainer to me: 1 or two ibuprofen in exchange for hours of relief. I would bet the narcotic pain relievers are much harder on the liver, but who the hell cares at this point. Comfort is key, these days.

   On a lighter note, the chickens are beginning to finally lay again. We've had 4 eggs in the past 3 days. Not a lot, but better. Coincidentally maybe, J had decided to keep them confined to the pen, instead of letting them roam. He's worried that they may be laying in other areas so by keeping them confined he can test that.  Sure enough, there were the eggs. Hmm. We've looked in other places, and haven't found any hidden away. We've been in touch with a lady in the next town who has Orpingtons. She says this breed lays year round. When her next batch of chicks is a bit older, we'll buy a few of them, and integrate them in with our ladies.

   Elizabeth on the other hand, our old deaf kitty, appears to be losing her vision rapidly. As of this week, she walks a few steps and then stops to yell loudly-- one of us has to step in front of her, and wave our hands literally a few inches in front of her face, before she responds with a chirrup, and then follows.  In the morning when he collects her from the shed where she sleeps, she now doesn't hop down the steps anymore--he has to lift her down, and then wait for her to follow him inside. She wobbles when she walks, although she can climb up to the food dish by using the edge of the catbox as a step ladder.  But it's apparent she is losing ground. I pull her up in my lap daily and try to cuddle her as much as I can. She will put up with it for awhile, and then struggles to get down again, where she staggers off to lie near the woodstove. She doesn't seem to be in pain--just scared if she can't see.  I don't blame her at all...


Well, just 90 minutes to go. No patients today or tomorrow. I'm okay with that, too; I think I'm fighting a cold. I don't have a lot of energy today. Yesterday I took the dog for a long walk, through some fields which were muddier than I expected, so we both came back pretty mud-stained. But the rain had stopped at least. We found a retractable leash which someone had tossed, because it appeared broken.  It's a small size which fits my hand (and the dog of course) better, so J worked with it on Sunday and got it working again. What a genius!  Yesterday was its test-walk, and other than it being  a slender cord attaching to his collar instead of a thicker ribbon-kind of thing, it was much easier to handle. For me.  J will still feel more comfortable using Simba's, but normally I am handling Murphy when we walk. Yay!!

Another walk today, and by the time I get back from that, J will be home from Portland. I love our quiet simple life. So peaceful, so chaos-free. So drama-free!
  


 

Sunday

   Talked with mom late yesterday, and she sounded so, so tired. It's difficult to just listen, and not try to fill in the words  I think  she is looking for.  She asked me, once again,  since I was "so disappointed with her as a parent", what  she could have done to be a better parent.

     I do not know why she keeps asking this. I'm definitely not thinking what kind of a parent she was. That's all behind me, and I do not dwell on this; the past is almost never brought up. Except for her phone calls.  I wish I knew how to answer so as to ease her mind. Simple reassuring statements (that I'm fine with how things turned out, or that I can't think of anything in particular, or comments that I don't waste time thinking about this line of thinking) do not go into her brain--  she apparently does spend a lot of time thinking of this, and therefore must assume I am too. Things that I think we have Talked To Death inevitably recur. I try to be patient: A lot of the time I feel these "discussions" are a waste of time. Yet, who am I to judge what is a waste of time for her? If she can't let this stuff go, then she must need more resolution, more review. All I can do is again, be patient, and listen, and pray that she can find some peace before she dies.

  Apparently she is having major computer issues, yet again.  I do understand her frustration. I don't understand why it keeps happening, but I'm almost sure it's something she herself is doing, inadvertently. No point in saying that, as it would change nothing.  All I can do is listen to her fatigued exasperation and tears. I wish I could make it all better, but I can't, I have to let it go. She has people up there, and they are doing the best they can. I feel so sorry for her.

  This morning when I got online I checked facebook and saw she had posted something. It said "9 hours ago", and in her posting was a plea for me and my sister to call her. I spoke with her at around 5pm Saturday, so clearly our conversation took place before this posting. I'm confused; I'll have to call her later today to double check.

   One of my high school friends privately emailed me (on fb) that a mutual friend was losing her battle with breast cancer; they were taking her off life support today, Sunday. So sad.   Jeesh, we are only in our 50s. That seems so young! I haven't seen either one since HS, and I still picture us all as we used to be, even though I've certainly seen current photos. Funny, when I was in high school I thought 50s was old.

  Once again, S came up for the afternoon. A discussion came up (again) over the amount of financial help we gave my sons in the past, but this time I suggested we hold off on continuing this topic til J was home to give some perspective.  I tend to get tangled up in the emotions here. So after he'd gotten home, and we had dinner, and finished watching the news, I brought it up again. Unfortunately it did get heated and emotional, and she ended up leaving in tears, with still no resolution to this.

   I wish I knew exactly what her frustration involves. I have a feeling that it relates to her inability to accept that addiction is a disease, like cancer or diabetes: Somehow she believes that my sons just have to apply willpower and everything will be alright. She believes that if they "really wanted to", life would work out for them. That's why it seems so unfair to her that we haven't simply handed her bundles of cash. (Not that we did this  with my sons.) Entangled with all that is my failure as a parent to give her "equal" amounts of time, energy, whatever.

 As a parent of kids with "special needs", I don't know how (or if) I can ever reconcile the disparities of Who got How much attention.  If my sons had had a visible illness it would be easier to explain, easier to involve the entire family in a recovery effort. But when one parent is completely not interested in recovery, leaving the other parent to lead the way alone, the children who are not visibly afflicted tend to be inadvertently left behind.
    I saw my sons as drowning in the ocean of their disease of addiction. Before I found AlAnon I was constantly diving in to try to save them ( as in financially, driving them, taking them places, picking them up from police stations, visiting them in detention or jail, really fixing what was rightfully their stuff). S meanwhile was left standing on the shore, helpless also, but just as needy, just as scared and worried not only about them but about her Family, and her own self. I felt conflicted all the time over who needed me most: my daughter, my sons, my job, my then-marriage. All I felt was Pain, all the time. There was no way to win, no matter what I did, no matter who I put first for any length of time.  I was always letting someone down.

    AlAnon helped me to see that I had to save (read: fix) myself first. I read a comparison just this morning, that Recovery is like a ship, leaving the sinking rats. Obviously I don't think of my sons as literal rats...but I can look at that a couple of ways:
   Number 1, I can't save them-- so I have to save myself, leaving them to find their own way. I'm just as affected by their addictions, but in different ways, hence my own Recovery. Just as S is affected by their addiction, in her own ways. Some of these struggles are going to be her struggles to work on, and nothing I can say or do will make a difference.  All I can do is pray for her.
    Number 2, I could look at the ship of Recovery as a simile for my sons, who will hopefully someday leave the rats of addiction behind. All I can do is pray for them, let them know I am here if they want me. I won't help them financially anymore. They both know this. To their credit, they both understand why, now.

    I really hate the Spring Forward part of Daylight Saving Time. UGH. I can't believe it's almost 1pm already. Soon we will hit the trail get our walk in.

   My tooth is throbbing, mildly. I guess I thought that it would be steadily improving; I didn't realize it would be an up-and-down thing.   Just like recovery! Hah.

Happy Sunday.

Saturday

It's mom's birthday today, and   I will be calling her later. I just am so surprised she is still in the world. There were times in the last year when I didn't think she could possibly last, and other times I thought well, she could stretch this out for a number of months, now. Day by day, as the saying goes.

My root canal was Wednesday and took over 2 hours. Good god, it was a long and difficult time. Thank god for anesthetic, and dental blocks to help keep my mouth open. Couldn't have survived without them.  I was told it would/could take up to 6 weeks to feel "normal" again. The rest of that day was a numb blur of time, and eventually it became painful once the numbness wore off.

Thursday I woke feeling pretty darn good, and it wasn't til about 9 that I ended up taking a pain pill. By then my work load had kicked in, and BossJ and I were running. Later that day although  I was wiped out, I did walk my almost-3 miles, and felt happily tired at home.

Friday, yesterday, was such a pleasant, warm (62 degrees!), sunny and windy day. We walked another long walk and then worked outside, went to Habitat to put some pavers on hold til payday, got some wine and headed home to sit in the sun on the front porch. What a beautiful day!  We watched an old Charles Bronson movie called Breakheart Pass. Fell into bed around 10:30.

This morning I woke and my tooth actually is what woke me: it's hurting this morning just like it was last weekend. This isn't fair!! It's supposed to be getting better. Arggh.

J's new phone has died, and he doesn't even know how. Suddenly Wednesday night it was oozing water every time he set it down. He tried the usual tricks to dry it out, and none of them worked. He can receive calls, but can't make any, or even turn the damn thing off--none of the buttons work.  So we had to order a replacement phone, and because it's out of the free trial period we have to pay another $35 activation fee. Sigh. It should arrive today; in the meantime he carries his old phone with him, the one that gives him 20minutes a month for $22.  He'll take it to Portland today for his class this afternoon.

   Both of us need to leave soon...more later.

Sunday

    I know now quite clearly  where this damn tooth pain is.  It started increasing Thursday. Friday I noticed it more, but whereas now I realize I should have called the endodontist that day, I didn't. Instead I kept myself drugged with the Tylenol3.

    We did walk a long way that day, a new walk for both of us, which goes through OSU's sheep and llama areas. It's set off from the main road, and is quiet, and just like walking through a preserve. So peaceful, and only a block or so away. (Block sounds so city-like, an incorrect term to use out here, but I guess a quarter mile is the same distance.)

    Murphy hadn't gotten a walk that previous day, so he was really needing it, and so was I. J was in a strange mood--very distracted by some memorizing he was needing to prepare for Saturday's class, and I was in a strange mood too from the tooth pain. So we were having to think carefully before saying or responding to anything the other was saying. (I also realized I was pretty concerned about mom, and about not having heard from her.)

  Anyway the walk was very nice--bluebirds, red-wing blackbirds, goldfinches, robins, hawks, mallards, along with the sheep and llamas. Once at home, we puttered about in the yard, J chain-sawing down a fir tree which I loved, but which had been blocking the garden and the blueberry bushes. It was right near the side fence, so that's where two of the rosebushes will be planted. We'll plant something else there, too, a low shrub so the chickens have a hiding place out in the yard.

  Later I did call mom, and she was very glad to hear from me. The phone calls are becoming more difficult: I'm on speaker phone (on her end, so she sounds like she is straining to speak loudly enough anyway), and there are pauses between her sentences and words. Frequently she can't think of the right word, so there is frustration on her end that she can't speak; plus she can't write. She has no energy to respond to the numerous emails she receives. She feels badly about that, but is unable to do anything about it.So she is living with a lot of guilt, and a strong feeling of having let numerous people down.

   I haven't told her but I have been exploring her email set-up, and not only is it cumbersome to navigate, but it's not "user-friendly". The email option has "new" and "old". For some reason it lists that she has, for instance, 1234 new emails. In reality when I look closer, she has maybe 40 "new" emails. The rest have been read (the read emails are a paler shade of text), and they just sit there. She does not move them into folders of any kind, so there is no organization at all. The "old" emails are in a separate category, a separate folder designated by aol on the left, along with other options such as incoming, sent, archived, spam, etc. I can't tell what the difference is from "old" to "new". To me that would be annoying.

    Also, I  can see that a lot of what she receives is junk, or unsolicited emails with that phony personalization, or emails requesting money. I've made an executive decision (and I justify it by realizing I will be doing this at some point and I'd just as soon deal with it now and ease her reading burden) by removing her name from a lot of the stuff which is redundant. Fortunately I do know what groups or organizations are important to her, and  also I do not touch her personal emails; I leave those alone and I do not read them of course. But I've managed to reduce the incoming load considerably.

    She finally admitted all she really wants to do is lie down in bed. But she feels by doing this she is "giving in". I tried to help her see this isn't giving in, but accepting the different reality of her life. I think she does see this, but is afraid of what it means, that it means she is closer to dying.   I try to be a reflection of her, try to just respond to what she is saying, and help her explore what that means, and to give her another perspective. I feel so sorry for her--she is so trapped inside her thinking. She has so many unrealistic expectations of herself.

   She repeated how frustrated and angry she was at "so many people being there all the time". I clarified: the visiting nurse twice a week, the bath aide three days, and Alan (or a new friend of his who she likes) daily to do the barn chores. She was looking forward to the weekend, when she would be left alone. She's upset over having to argue with the Hospice people over the medications, and how often she can be taking them. She wakes most days around noon, and then is up til anywhere between midnight and 2am. She is house bound because she is too afraid of falling again to attempt going outside.

  She said how glad she was that I'd called Friday, instead of waiting til Sunday. But even so, after about 35 minutes she said she'd have to let me go, because she was going to lie down. She was too exhausted to talk more.  Frankly I'm glad it was a shorter call. And I'm glad she felt okay to say that to me. 

    What also scared me was her comment that she'd almost called me earlier in the week to ask if I could come up there.  Arggh!!  Before I could say anything (and I was frantically thinking of what to say) she said,  "but I didn't, because I know how hard it is for you to get away".

   I was still adjusting to this phone call when I got a fb message from Y, J's live-in gf. She asked if we could talk privately, and eventually it came out that she wanted to break up with him, but was worried over where he'd go; she asked if I could send him a bus or plane ticket. I emailed back that I wouldn't be helping him anymore, that he knows it, and that if she needed to break up with him that she should do so, that she needed to take care of herself and her child first. I suggested AlAnon for herself, and reminded her that J knows he's an alcoholic, and that he needs to get with AA before the rest of his life will work.  Then I didn't hear anything back.

    Until the next morning. Saturday I was in so much more pain I couldn't bring myself to go to the meeting. Instead I called the dentist to get  a refill of the pain meds, and explained what I was going through. The endodontist isn't open on weekends so I have to wait til Monday to call them and get this root canal scheduled.  While I was on the phone with them I received an incoming call from an unknown number so I let it go to voicemail. Turned out it was J, my son.

   When I called him back at that number, he told me Y was in jail!  Yes, as they were in the midst of breaking up last night, both were drinking, and she got violent with him! The police arrived somehow, and after determining that J was the innocent one, they arrested her, and he was locked out of the place, unable to get his things. So he is with a friend, who apparently will loan him the money to get out of town if he decides to leave. He was calling me to get N's phone number in Reno, and is hoping to be able to go there. Yeesh.  I just can't keep up sometimes. I don't know how long she'll be in jail, or what is happening next. I was afraid to call him back in a way, because I was afraid he was going to ask for money. Thankfully he didn't; maybe he does remember we told him a couple of years ago we wouldn't be helping anymore.



   S came up yesterday also, to do her laundry, and spend some down time here. (I had a whole paragraph written here but it mysteriously disappeared--crap!)
 

   And after dinner and the news we watched "The Princess Bride". I hadn't ever seen it before and so my sister sent it as a late birthday present. I felt some pressure over watching it: S was positive I wouldn't like it, because "I think I know you pretty well mom, and you're not going to think it's funny." But my sister and J seemed pretty sure I would like it. Fortunately I did love it--charming, original, well-cast, funny, lots of familiar faces acting wise. J says to me all the time "As you wish...". Now I know where that came from!  So sweet...

 Well, I'm going to take another pill. I have a lot of shows saved on the DVR, and that's about the extent of my activity today.