Sunday

 This week was loaded with mostly good things. We are closing in on the end of this year 2024, for which I am very grateful. Most difficult, most sad, most challenging of my life.

Monday MissS came over and we ran out to Publix for some ingredients for the recipes I was making, and we watched White Christmas, a tradition. It was skipped last year, for some reason, and felt good to resume this. Some sense of  normalcy, maybe.

Tuesday morning I did house chores, and bathed Missy. Later Kit and MissS came and picked me up with all our stuff for Bro and SIL; they hosted a lovely finger-food, small-snacks-type dinner, with lots of talking and laughing and  wine and bubbles. It was a different  Christmas Eve, and very much appreciated.  I think we were all gone by 7:30 or so and I got into my pjs at home and just sat, thinking and remembering, with some Christmas movie on that I was glancing at occasionally. 

Wednesday, Christmas morning. Quiet, walked Missy around the neighborhood. Texted friends, Kit and MissS showed up at noon-ish. We three opened presents-- MissS gave me a beautiful pair of soft lounge pants I had on my wish list, and an ornament featuring the two Chows and the two Havanese, three of them with wings. It made me cry. She also gave me some Angel and Phelps chocolate, and they both had made a sweet wooden frame with shells glued on; I have inserted a photo of me and J kissing, which is one of my favorites. 

I gave them cash toward the cost of a National Park Pass, and an embroidery I did of a shell, and  the chocolate orange, a tradition. The "big" gift was an indoor s'mores maker, which I discovered by accident was something they would love. And it was a big hit.

Then we left for Sis and BIL's house; Kit was a sweetheart and dropped off the plate of cookies I had for Chris and Melissa. Missy was invited too, so we rode in style up to their house, and the afternoon which followed was so nice, relaxed, emotional, and yet  calm. I felt sad at moments, of course. 

I miss J's voice, so damn much.

We had a wonderful pork roast, and sides were squash, glazed carrots, rolls, deviled eggs, and other treats. There was pie and cookies and chocolates for desserts.

Opening presents was the emotional part: Bro and SIL had put together a calendar for Dad, with photos of his Vermont home, and family birthdays listed. He actually broke down and cried. It was a wonderful idea of theirs, and  a huge hit. 

BIL's grown kids were there, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, so that was nice. Chris thanked me sincerely for the remote control airplanes, and I told him I was happy he  wanted them. J would have been so happy.

Sis gave Missy a fuzzy comforting blanket, which she promptly snuggled under and relaxed entirely.  

In between all this were texts from friends, and just now while writing this I remembered that I didn't hear from DrI. Hmm. First time ever that I haven't heard from him on a big holiday. I'll text him on NewYear's Day.

At home that evening, I finished contacting all of J's kids, and that was nice, remaining in touch. I did have a meltdown, which I totally expected, and frankly was surprised hadn't happened earlier. Dealing with this cold/illness/whatever, and it being the first Christmas without him, and Life being so different now--  well, it's all a very long adjustment, with bumps and valleys. 

Thursday was a day to recover and rest.  I ordered a new bed, after hours of deliberation and research, and indecision. It'll be here in two weeks.  I have conflicting feelings about  changing beds; but J and I both had noticed it was more  and more difficult to get in and out of this high-up bed, as time went by. He had actually fallen out a few times,  and it was more and more painful on my hips to climb in. I know he wouldn't mind, but it also feels like one more thread being cut to our sweet times there. 

But sometimes I think he would totally encourage me. He would want me to be comfortable, in our home, my home. And I also have worried more and more about Missy jumping down out of this big bed. She could easily hurt herself... that is the very last thing I need.

Bro and SIL came over and gave me a beautiful window hanging chime/prism. It's going to look amazing hanging in the new windows. They also gave me a big gift, of a trip, to NewEngland if I want, or wherever. I am staggered and speechless still, just thinking about it. I am not sure I can even actually do this, but it is something to think about. It was completely overwhelming. Extremely generous, thoughtful. I'm bowled over.

Friday was another quiet day: I finished my antibiotics and prednisone that day although I definitely don't feel recovered. I am much better, but not 100%. MissS came over and we watched Outlander and some HGTV. Kit joined us later and cooked dinner for us three; the mahi-mahi was absolutely perfect. We also watched Love Actually, another we hadn't gotten to last year.

Saturday was my meeting, and it was pretty special. I spoke with each of my friends, and Donna gave me a beautiful card.  I also spoke with my Sponsee that afternoon for almost an hour, getting caught up.

 I considered getting my hair cut, since the one I got two weeks ago doesn't seem  to have made any difference. But at the last minute I didn't have the emotional strength to face that ordeal, and just went home and collapsed.  I ended up having leftovers for dinner and fell into bed by 8:30.

This morning I tackled the cat boxes, easily the worst chore I have these days. UGH. My fault for ignoring it for two days. I simply cannot do that with three cats! It was a terrible process, but it's all done now, and I apologized to them, and now feel I can breathe easier. Literally.

I also had to order more filters for the purifier in the big bathroom. Each morning I smell the mold, no matter if I run the purifier all day. Disgusting. No way to fix it, but I can lift that odor temporarily. 

This week I have a  bone density scan on Tuesday, and that will be the last medical thing for the year.

New Year's Eve day is normally the day I take down all the Christmas stuff,  so that's the plan. It is so nice to have storage here in the house for that. 

I heard from Gabby,  and from Lauren, Layla's mom. That was such a blessing. Everyone is okay, just busy and not on social media that often. 

I was beginning to worry about my sons, but Nick sent some happy-family photos, and  I loved those. He actually thanked me for the money I sent. My other son I didn't hear from, so I finally messaged him two days ago  asking if he'd received it, and it was, "Oh yeah, thanks Mom". 

Well, I learned my lesson; I did send cash this year because I was just too drained to figure out actual gifts--  I won't do that again. I know better. But this year was a huge kick in the heart. I can forgive myself. It's over now.

I have a mild headache now, and need to go sit for a while. I think MissS and I will go to Michael's for some craft supplies.

TYG

Sunday

 This week was fairly quiet. Monday MissS and Kit dropped off some groceries and some cough medicine, but we stayed far apart, just in case.

Tuesday I checked again but am negative for Covid. However I had so little energy and didn't feel I could drive safely so I rescheduled my bone scan for the end of the month, and then just rested. No walk for Missy.

Wednesday I loaded up on my meds and got myself to TLI for the MRI. It turned out to be both with and without contrast, which I wasn't prepared for at all. I hate MRIs. This one wasn't ... absolutely terrible. 

But the thing I was most afraid of was that I would have a coughing fit inside the tube. That did not happen. I notice I tend to get panicky in the MRI process, so I kept repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over, and focused on my breathing. It was about 45 minutes all together. Afterwards I picked up an rx, and dropped off a return.

I also called my pulmonologist's office and explained  what was happening; I ended up with an appt for Friday morning at 9:30. I thought that would work until I rechecked on drA's appt time: 10:30, at the other end of town.

I tried to reschedule DrA's appt but he had nothing available until February! So after discussion with the nurse she grudgingly said "Just come as soon as you can after the pulmonologist appt, and I'll let him know you might be late."

That was such a relief. And then I asked my amazing sister if she could do me a favor and drive me that morning. Fortunately she was available, and happy to "be useful", as she said. 

Thursday was a recovery day, doing nothing. I did manage to change the kitties' boxes, and then trotted out Missy for a very brief walk just to the top of the road and back. After that I was drained. I think that was the lowest day: I haven't been sleeping well, or interested in food. Just water, tea, and meds. All I could manage. Lots of memories  floating around, depression, grief, sadness. 

Friday was an amazing turn around. I don't know what gods were looking out for us, but I got up and dressed at an ungodly hour, and Sis was there at 8:45. The drive to PO was smooth, there were no problems being seen, everyone was calm, concerned, and anxious to help. I left with a steroid shot, and an rx for same, and for antibiotics. And I go back in 2 weeks.

Then we headed to DrA's office; again, no traffic, peaceful drive. Not a lot of people waiting to be seen, me and Sis waited only a short time after arriving early.  I can't explain how much anxiety I had over this whole thing-- I was so worried how it would all work. And it was just perfect!

DrA was wonderful as usual. My MRI results of the hip show good news: no cancer, always my first fear. And so the numbness and tingling are from nerve compression in my hip joints. "Simple aging" is the cause; the joints are not as smooth as they were in my younger days, and the nerves are rubbing along the rough spots, as it were. 

So he prescribed an anti-inflammatory, which I am still waiting for. ( I just checked and he hasn't uploaded my visit's dictation yet, but maybe Monday I'll call and let him know I haven't heard from the pharmacy.)

In the meantime my breast exam and the labs from that day are all good. I go back in April. He didn't go into detail about the mammograms, but I am seeing the surgeon in early January, and she'll explain further if needed. I go back in six months for repeat exams. 

After leaving there, I got a text that my rx's from the pulmonologist office were ready, so we stopped and got those. And after Sis dropped me off at home, I noticed the steroid shot had kicked in big time. Amazing what a difference that one thing made. 

I had so much energy I took Missy for a long walk around the entire neighborhood.  Then I did a couple of baking projects, and crock-potted a 3-pack of YEAR-OLD chicken breasts--how did I miss seeing those before?!?  They came out absolutely perfectly, and yummy and tender, and it will feed me for at least a week.

I finished wrapping all the presents but don't dare put them under the tree. My one cat Willow is fascinated this year with the little gnomes hanging from the bottom of the tree, and with the long string of white garland wrapped around the base. She is constantly playing with it, and has even knocked over my snow globe. 

I still didn't sleep that night, just lay awake reading. Frustrating. The steroids...

Saturday I went to the meeting and brought the stones with an inspirational word on each one. Everyone took one, and  could share on that word, or on the day's reading.  I chaired at first, but halfway through I felt a coughing fit coming on from all the talking, and had to leave the room. I was gone about 15 minutes.

When I came back, I whispered to R to please finish for me, which of course he did. A first-timer leaned over to me and asked if I was okay, which was very thoughtful. I gave her the OK sign and smiled.

Afterwards I couldn't get up yet, and people came over to me, asking about the stones, sharing what word they got, what it meant to them,  very happy to keep their stone. It was a great success.  I was so pleased.

A woman came over and said she almost didn't recognize me, because it was the first time she'd seen me with hair!  She hadn't been there for quite a while.  That was funny.  Another woman had been flooded out of her house after Milton, and the night before was her first night home in her repaired house.  My friend B's wife has had a similar thing that I'm going through, but he's never gotten it. 

I really was spoiled by J, taking care of me when I was sick, or low, or worse. What a gift he was.

On the way home, a warning light came on the dashboard. I was planning on stopping to pick up a few things, but now I didn't dare. I went home and looked up the warning icon, which indicated a low tire pressure. I texted  my brother. 

Shortly after he and SIL came over and brought not only  a tire gauge for my very own, but a tire filler. Sure enough all the tires were low, but the right passenger tire was noticeably low; he filled them all, and showed me how to use the gauge.  Then we talked and visited for a while before they were off. So thankful for nearby family, once again.

I took Missy for a shorter walk. Sis and MissS and I were planning on seeing a movie, but ended up changing plans. Neither Sis or I was up for it, physically. So I did one more baking, and then rested, watching a great old movie. 

The other things that happened this week: the hose to the pool cleaner broke, so my other hero, my BIL, searched and found an extra replacement hose for me. He and I also looked at some robotic vacuums, and that might be a possibility in the near future. The advantage of those is that they are not a drain on the pool pump's filter. Right now there is dirt, silt, debris all over the bottom of the pool but it's small fine stuff: I couldn't sweep it up in my back-up net if I even wanted to. The little sucker-cleaner was doing a great job until it stopped last week. I decided to try to unwind the hose to see if I could find the problem , and as I pulled it up, it cracked and broke right at the sucker-head that runs along the floor.  Sigh. 

And Tuesday: Jason-the-neighbor with the half dead, over-hanging sweetgum tree had arranged for tree service. At 7am they all arrived. My lord, the noise and trucks and cranes with the crew all got busy, and 7 hours later that tree was gone. It was absolutely fascinating to watch. 

All I kept thinking was that J would have loved to have seen it. That whole process was riveting. The teamwork, the ropes, the shouts,  the noise of giant pieces of that old tree landing with a thunk, or being gently lowered to be chopped up. I was sad to see it go, but also very relieved. Especially after the most recent hurricane, Milton. 

There was so much wildlife involved on that tree-- the birds loved it. We are all adjusting to not seeing it there anymore, and how much sunlight there is now. What a change. 

OK, MissS is here...

TYG  and thank you for meds...

Sunday

 This is day 3 of a bad cold. It's not covid, it's just a miserable cold. Coughing, sneezing, no energy, but no fever. Today the body aches started. I'll test again tomorrow, but since I'm vaccinated and I haven't been anywhere (except on Thursday to get my haircut and to the PO to mail the cremains), I seriously doubt it could be covid.  It's just maddening. I had to miss the meeting yesterday, and that is always the high point of my week.

Last Monday I had my mammograms. Right side was fine, left side required additional imaging, but apparently the radiologist believes it's  "calcifications". It seems this finding is common among older women. I'm to go back in 6 months. 

The worst part of this process (which was about 2 hours altogether) was that I had forgotten my phone. So I was left with just my thoughts. No puzzles to occupy my mind, no phone to doomscroll, couldn't even text anyone for reassurance. I was in a rush, and that's the second time I've forgotten the phone in the rush to leave the house. Must slow down. 

Tuesday was a quiet day; I made a beef stew. MissS came over in the afternoon and we got caught up with her situation at work.  She's now off until the NewYear so that will help.

She also tried to open Zeke's urn for me. I'd struggled with it, able to remove one screw but not the other, and MissS wasn't able to either. (The smaller urn I'd ordered had finally arrived, so all I had to do was scoop out some of Zeke's ashes and transfer them to the small urn, and then close the larger one up again before shipping that  off to V.) I texted my BIL and asked if he could take a look at it, and he very graciously agreed.

Wednesday morning, I texted my brother to find out whether the clear bags he left near the trash can were for yard debris, because Wednesday is my pick-up day. When he responded with a thumbs up, I went outside to take those bags out to the curb;  wonder of wonders the garbage truck with The Claw was parked in front of the pile on my lawn!

I went to the truck driver's side of the cab and said, are you taking this pile?? She said, yep! I held up my hands in a prayer position and said Thank you, thank you so much!! She smiled, and Yes, ma'am!  She proceeded to Claw up the entire mass: all the construction stuff, the wood, the broken-down furniture, the masses of stuff J never used from the workshop,  the ruined rugs, the broken toilet, AND all the bags of yard debris; all went into the truck's bed. 

I was so grateful. If I'd had any sense I would have given her a tip, but I was floored and taken off guard. Anyway, it is all gone now. After she left, I went out and raked up the leavings, finding some broken glass. At some point I will bag all that up, but it's definitely not on my priority list feeling the way I do.

I worked on Christmas cards that afternoon, and even got some in the mail. Stamps are now 73cents each!! (I remember mailing letters with 5cent stamps. Yes, I am old. I think we even used "penny postcards" back then too, or maybe they were 3 cents...)  So my Christmas list has been thinned out; about half the people on my list never respond or even send me back a card or a text.  So I decided very carefully who I should be continuing to send cards to.

Later that day Bro and SIL came and picked up me and Missy; I also brought the urn and explained to Sis what her helpful husband was going to do. He was napping, so I didn't get to see him. We picked up Dad, and left Missy with Sis for some cuddle time.

When we brought Dad back to the house after the dinner, BIL had managed to open that thing!  I was thrilled. Seems the littlest things can make me happy these days. At home I was still awake enough to transfer some of Zeke's ashes, and close up both the small urn and the larger one going to V. I packed up the box with plenty of bubble wrap and two sweaters of J's that I thought V and A might like, along with a Christmas card. 

Thursday I did the morning chores and then headed out to mail the urn, the cremains.  To my utter shock, even though V had warned me it would be expensive (probably $30 -50, she'd said), it actually cost $101.70. 

Granted it would arrive in two days, but I didn't care about speed. I said, "Holy Cow. Is there anyway to send it cheaper??" She said "no, it's marked as priority mail."   She couldn't have cared less.  So I stuck it on the credit card.  

Later I texted V and told her what it had cost, and she was appropriately shocked also, but said she would get a check out to me in the morning. 

After that I stopped at GC and got my haircut; it's only been 6 weeks but the damn bangs grow so fast they fall in my face.  The stylist seemed to understand what I wanted, but after I left and looked in the car mirror, she hadn't done what I asked her to with the bangs, although they are less in-my-face than before. So I'm puzzled. I'll try the other shop next time.

I finished my Christmas cards, and got them out in the mail. Done!

Friday I woke up feeling pretty awful. I'd noticed a dragging, "coming down with a cold" feeling on Thursday, but hoped for the best. However, this is a real cold: congestion and coughing and sneezing, no energy at all, no appetite. I drank tea with honey, and water, and dosed myself with daytime cough meds. I didn't do anything. Couldn't even walk Missy. I watched TV, and old movies. I embroidered when I felt up to it.

Friday was also the day Marc from HD came at 11am to do the final measurements on each of the windows, and explained the sequence of events. It looks like I'll be getting the windows late Feb/early March. He was very nice, and did a great job explaining everything. 

Saturday was more of the same:  no Meeting, no energy, no fever,  no appetite; coughing, sneezing, congestion. The cough is the worst-- it's dry, but it feels like there is gunk in there which I can't get up. It hurts to cough, but I think that's because I am coughing so hard. Ugh.

I made plain pasta for dinner last night, and had leftover stew the night before. Last night also I finally finished the 10-year series I'd been binge-watching for weeks, so I am starting a new one. Today I'll probably watch LOTR. 

I got a notice that YouTubeTV is raising their rates starting next month to  another $10 on top of what I am already paying.  My SS income money is going up a mere 2.5%, which works out to about $15 more each month. Ridiculous.  Of course I remind myself I can always drop YouTubeTV.

And if I could get TCM by itself I would. I really don't watch anything else on YouTubeTV. They make a big deal over how many channels they offer, but 3/4 of them are sports channels or news. Nothing I am interested in. 

Argh. Well, in a few days I'll be feeling better. 

Tuesday I have my Dexa scan, and Wednesday the MRI of my hip/pelvis. And Friday I see DrA for a routine 3month follow up.

The only thing that has made me laugh this morning is my big cat's butt. He was walking past me, tail straight up, outside on the pool deck, and I noticed something shiny: I bent down and there was a long piece of tinsel!!  I got ahold of it quickly and tried to pull it out, but he jerked away so fast it slipped out of my hand. He seems fine, but definitely doesn't want me messing with his butt area! 

I had to laugh--but I'll be keeping an eye on him too. I have only a few strands on my tree this year, but somehow he's been eating it...

TYG

Sunday

Home from watching The Nutcracker ballet, with Sis and MissS. It was wonderful, and this production I think was better than last year's.  More colorful, more variety. 

Last Monday was the day I started decorating in  the house, and I finished that this evening. I also called the garbage company to complain about the damn tag left on the giant debris pile on my lawn. Fortunately the young man who answered was calm and sincere and took all kinds of notes, and promised to pass that along to the superiors. And indeed, the next day, someone from the company in a white truck came by and took photos.  I don't know what happens next.

Also my bug guy, Edwin I think it is, came by and re-attacked the areas I was still seeing those little critters. I am in general very pleased with what he's been able to accomplish.

Tuesday morning I tried cleaning the mudroom. This time I used what are known as "magic erasers"--and why the heck no one has told me about these before I do not know. What a difference!  I'm actually looking forward to using them again. 

In the afternoon BIL and Joe from HD came over, took measurements on the windows, and to make a very long story short, BIL ended up putting more than $13000+ on his own HD credit card, because they wouldn't increase the credit limit on my card.  (This involved multiple phone calls between the three of us vs HD and Citibank, and took almost 2 and half hours all together.) 

I have no idea why I was turned down: my credit rating is excellent. They said they will send a letter explaining why. Thankfully BIL was generous enough to want to help, so we can get this done for the entire house. I will of course be paying him back when the final amounts are settled, as far as the MySafeFloridaHome program goes.

After the window stuff, BIL and I opened all the boxes I had ready for Brand, and looked for the plane parts that were needed (since BIL's son will be taking the planes), and then we taped them all up again.

The next day I worked again on finding all the papers related to HD, and figured out bills.Then in the afternoon I went to the UPS website and worked on trying to get the labels printed. That took quite a while, as it is not a user-friendly website. I managed to get the three heaviest boxes ready, and UPS came and got them around 5.

Thursday I hit the CityThrift store and dropped off some clothes, went to the USPS for a box to mail the cremains in, ordered a new small urn since the one I'd ordered was apparently lost, and packed up 5 more boxes for UPS, which were all picked up at 4:30.

Friday was Eleven Weeks. I took the cats to the groomer for their nail trims, picked up groceries at WalMart, did a load of laundry. I did cleaning, and looked through more boxes.

Saturday morning, the meeting. I brought Missy with me, which she enjoyed. I did share a bit of what I'd been going through, and cried, and afterwards people came up to me and gave me hugs.  Then right after that  we drove up to Sis' house for a couple of hours of talking, catching up. Cried there too. Sigh.

Back at home I desperately wanted a nap but didn't dare. Instead I tried to keep busy. I found things to do. Every day I took Missy for a walk,  and that was good for both of us.

Later I drove to Bro and SIL's house for dinner. That was so nice, too. Their house is beautifully decorated, and the dinner was so pretty.

The next day, Sunday, they even came over and did some major pruning outside in front. The weather was perfect for outdoor work, and they did so much!  The front of the house looks cared for and bright and sunny. What a difference.

So Monday morning I have my mammograms. Gulp. Wednesday I have a dexa scan, but I think I will reschedule those so I can go to dinner with Dad and Bro and SIL. And on Friday, someone else from HD is supposed to call to let me know what time he will be by, taking final measurements.

I think I will also ship off the final four boxes, and the cremains. That will close that chapter. 

I'm feeling so tired today. I'll probably go to bed early. It was a hard tough week, but it's good also to keep busy, and find projects to do. Especially with the weather being so cold. 

I am grateful for my life, no matter how hard or emotionally painful this is.

TYG

Sunday

 I will write a lot about J farther on in this post. I felt the need to try to describe him, how I saw him. 

It's been 10 weeks. It feels like he is still here, and I am waiting for him to get up and come down the hall to sit with me in the living room. Or as though he is in the workshop, banging away on some project, and he gets distracted by something and there is silence. Sometimes my mind won't stop replaying the morning he died, and I see the whole thing all over again, and again. I feel so unsettled.

Last week on Monday MissS came over in the late afternoon to help me by finishing opening the motion detector so I could insert batteries, which I'd forgotten to do. I just don't have the hand strength to unscrew little screws, even using the correct screwdriver. Fortunately, MissS does. She was able to install the batteries and then re-insert it back up on its mounting. It worked just fine. So relieved. Almost half the driveway is lit up now when it detects motion.

It was JerryJr's birthday also so I texted him; his first birthday without his Dad.  He was glad to hear from me.

That was the day MissS signed the Docusign "papers" to officially make an offer on the house. She had originally wanted this news to be kept quiet, but that didn't work out. We are all keeping our fingers crossed...

 Tuesday I returned items to Kohl's, stopped at Aldi's, did laundry, and worked on the credit app for HD, in order to get the possible new hurricane windows installed. I also learned I needed a scale to ship the boxes off to Brand, so I ordered one.

Wednesday was Amelia's birthday so I sent her birthday wishes.  I had an early morning appt at my PCP office to get the RSV shot, which was simple and painless. While I was there I had the receptionist make a copy of my FiveWishes document (my end-of-life wishes) and scan it to my chart. They have been asking me for eight years to do this. Finally it's done. Now everyone knows.

That was also the day Brand called and told me no  one in the family  really wanted the remote control airplanes after all, or the model ships.  I am shocked, but not really surprised: they would have been hellish to dismantle and pack up for shipping, not to mention expensive.  So he said I could just pass them along if I knew anyone locally, or put them out in the trash. It seems sad. But it turned out BIL's son might want them... 

MissS came over that afternoon  and we did some prep for Thanksgiving, and made final plans. Then we did more embroidery and HGTV. 

I think that was the day the ring arrived too. This is a ring I chose/created to mark J's and my life together, the past and the present and the future. It's his birthstone and mine in an eternity-style setting, with a small curve of diamonds encircling both. It  is small and delicate and means a lot to me. I think J would have loved it. I'm not sure yet what to do with J's wedding ring.

Thanksgiving was a gorgeously sunny bright day. I made a pork roast in the oven with the stuffing, and a turkey breast in the crockpot, along with the deviled eggs, and provided Publix pies. I also had made fudge the night before, and some cream cheese-and-walnut-stuffed celery. 

MissS came bringing lemonade, and brioche rolls, and two kinds of cookies; Sis came and brought her garlic-mashed potatoes and a yummy butternut squash and apple and cheese side dish. It ended up being later than planned before we all ate, which worked out well. 

Sis also did the smudging ceremony for every room in the house,  to mark the transition from E-and-J's house, to E's house. It was very emotional. At one point she asked me something about why I wanted to do this, as part of the ceremony. I had to stop and think, and am still thinking, still processing. 

I think it's because the house now represents the person I have become  after being married to J for 17 years. I want the changes I've made to reflect those transitions. It's not like this isn't J's house anymore, because I feel his spirit here daily. It's not spooky, it just is. It's comforting, actually. 

It's just that my taste wasn't necessarily his. We compromised on certain things (as far as decorating goes), and  that's how it should be. We were both happy to, and wanted to have our house reflect our shared lives. 

He did a massive amount of work here since we moved in, and I give him full and complete credit. This year, the past 6 months especially, various family members and hired workers  combined to complete the jobs left undone due to his illness. I am endlessly grateful when I look around and see the results of so many people's work and time and love.

But I live here alone now. I don't have to compromise. I can decide if certain things are important to me to live with, or not. Probably 90% of J's things are leaving, but I'm keeping the paintings, and certain other special things, the things that most say "J" to me. 

So for instance, the workshop is now dismantled, gone, except for certain tools of J's (and some new ones that BIL gave me) that BIL and Bro felt I needed for my own use.  I am now calling it the Mudroom, and it's clean and bright and organized.  It houses the kitties' powder room and feeding station, the dog's food area, household items like AC filters, back-up cleaning supplies, the recycle boxes, and the Christmas stuff. Plus a small area for my gardening supplies.

It's also holding  12-14 cardboard boxes right now which are marked for Brand. I love how different it is, and am so relieved that the  chaos is gone.  I have also re-arranged the bedroom and the sunroom a bit.  I don't think J would mind that I feel at peace with the changes. I know he would understand.

Friday was a quiet day; I think I spent it recovering, and didn't do anything special. I was exhausted and still emotional.

Saturday was the Meeting. I caught up with many people both before and after the meeting. I still cannot think of speaking without tears welling up and choking my voice, and so I am content to listen. Later MissS came over to help with Christmas decorations, the lights on the tree, etc.

What follows is my raw emotions. You can skip over.

I usually re-read my previous entry before I write, so I can get back into the mindset of what I'm doing each week, each day. As I read the last paragraph of last week's entry, I can't even just read about saying goodnight to J, without breaking into tears. 

I hate feeling so sad and lonely for him. It hurts so much. In the moment  of the breakdowns, the spells of sobbing, I try to just let myself cry it out: I think of all the generations of women before me who have lost husbands due to wars, illness, accidents, even just old age. How did they get through this??  

I mean,  I guess you do because you have to, because grief isn't going to kill me. I've never experienced grief before, seriously. This type of grief is so different, so much more. 

Losing Gramma was the worst thing I have experienced before this. I had been preparing myself in a way for a long time before the actual death, because of her Alzheimer's. Yet I couldn't bear to be there at the end. I think maybe I skipped a lot of the emotional processing of her being gone, because I never saw her at the end. She was "gone" long before, although her beautiful loving spirit was always, always there.

With J, I couldn't not be there. I wanted to be there, I needed to be there. It was like slowly walking into an ocean, knowing how much it would hurt, knowing I was going to drown, but he was already in that ocean and I couldn't let him go alone. I couldn't save him, but I couldn't let him do this alone. Oh my god, how I miss him.

Well. I will drown in my tears today. So be it. He brought so much joy, so much peace, so much gratitude and strength and patience, and wisdom and laughter, and comfort most of all. My dearest and most faithful, loyal  soul and heart. 

There was a painting of a beautiful woman wearing a long flowing gown leaning on an ancient gnarled tree. One of her hands was resting on a huge lion's head and mane, protectively lying at her feet. I wish I knew where it was. He always said that was us. 

He was born on the cusp of Cancer, the homebody, peace-loving, care-giving crab, and of Leo, the Lion with great will power, affection, drive; he was such a wonderful mixture of the two.  I find astrology absolutely fascinating, as is probably obvious, but it provides great insights, and this is how I saw him: talkative, thoughtful, sensitive, social at times, other times craving solitude, just wanting to sit near me.

Also, he was angry inside, which came from a deep trauma  at a young age (losing his mother), and always searching for a way to not feel that pain. He had so much self-knowledge, but this one conflict he struggled with always. He had nightmares almost every night of being lost, finding himself in  unfamiliar locations, with men ready to taunt him or hurt him, feeling extremely vulnerable and scared, unable to fight back.  He would wake up gasping.  Losing Zeke reawakened all the buried grief, all the terrible sadness of outliving your youngest child.

Years ago his doc gave him anti-anxiety meds which he took every night before bed. That took the  stress and fear and sadness down quite a bit, but over time he started needing/wanting more. His doc increased it just a bit, but not enough to eliminate the nightmares. Fortunately once he woke up and realized it was a dream, he was able to almost immediately fall back asleep again and  usually that dream was gone for the night.

I know he is sleeping peacefully now. 

TYG