Sunday

I re-read last week's post, and had to check the date. Because last week was almost a repeat exactly of the week before.

Monday morning we had no patients in Pain Management and only 1 at 1:30 in Neuro. The manager who is covering for my usual one asked me if I'd work in --surprise!--- Neuro. One of the CMAs had called in because her child care arrangement fell through, so we were shuffled around, and I ended up working for one of the other docs all day, and also roomed my  own one patient. I kept busy all day, which I enjoy.

Tuesday NP and I had--gasp-- six whole patients. I did the gym after work.
Wednesday we had six on the schedule but one didn't show. I was planning to do the gym afterwards, but I had started to feel very fatigued, and just went home. Coincidentally, or not, the temps outside had started to rise, and it was over 90.

Thursday morning I woke with a bad headache, indicating worse to come. Took my meds right away, 6 am. We had two patients very early, and then nothing on the entire schedule until 4:30. Ugh. Right after breakfast the nausea kicked in, and by 11 am it was all out of me. I started to feel better, but made the mistake of leaving the building--- just to cross the street to the other building, so I could pick up my prescriptions---and then walked back.

Just that 10 minutes out in the incredible heat brought back that headache with blinding speed. I took another pain med, and struggled on. One of the other MAs offered to cover so I could go home, but we were short-staffed as it was, and it didn't feel right to leave them. However, someone called my last patient and she ended up coming in early. And right after she left, I did. By that time all patients were gone for the day, and the two MAs were totally fine with covering the doc's task lists. And I gratefully accepted their urging to leave.

 I went home, skipping the gym, and changed clothes, and just collapsed in my chair. J was working outside on the boat, despite the heat. Amazing man. He had the little room AC turned up of course, and it was blessedly cool in the house. We don't have a thermometer in the house anymore while doing this remodeling/fixing up, so I don't know how cool but I'm guessing it was at 74. That's at least full 20 degrees cooler than it was outside. I remembered seeing an old Tracy-Hepburn movie on the offerings, so I watched Desk Set in its entirety for the first time. Loved it.  Went to bed early, and slept hard.

Friday was much better, I was almost back to normal. I had no patients in the morning, again, so NP decided to just not come in until later when we were due over in Pain. I didn't feel like sitting there with nothing to do so I checked with my  covering manager. She asked if I'd like to help out in Pediatrics. Umm, NO...but... "Sure!" I said, cheerfully.  Headed over there (and thankfully am not allowed to do injections there--it requires specialized training which I haven't needed) and I just roomed some kiddos, and got weights, temps, BP, cleaned rooms as they emptied. They were down to two staff for five docs, so they were grateful for whatever I could do. The time flew by.

After a quick lunch, my afternoon patients in Pain began arriving.  It was a good afternoon. We kept busy, and yet not crazy-busy.

After work I did the gym, making up for my missed session. At home, J and I talked a lot about the move and logistics, and how it would work. Again.  Sometimes I think we talk about nothing else!  But this time I confessed my deepest secret fear: that, like my previous ex and a move to SC back in '83, we would arrive in the new location and he, J, would immediately decide he hated it and then announce this to me regularly, and threaten to leave weekly.

Now, the Rational part of me knows this is a different husband, and different marriage, and different financial circumstances, and a different reason for the move, and we will have family there. Every single thing is different this time, especially J, who makes the most tremendous difference in my whole life doing anything. 

But that rational part of me fades away sometimes, usually when I'm tired, or worried about the money, or something throws me off track. Sometimes I worry that giving voice to a secret fear will give it power. But with J, I've learned that giving voice to anything scary not only lessens the power of that fear,  but reassures me how different this marriage is, and how special J is as a lifelong loving companion and protector.  He manages to say the exact right thing, every time, just speaking from his heart.

He fell last week, Monday I think. Fell in such a way that he couldn't roll out of it, and slammed into a wall using his wrist to brace himself. He wondered if it was broken, but refused to go to urgent care until two days later.  They did xrays and think it's not broken, but that he tore a ligament in the back of his hand. Nothing to do for it, though--rest, ice if it's still swelling, brace if it feels helpful. Fortunately it's his left hand, but even so, he continues to use it despite the pain.

Yesterday for instance he finished the third sanding of the bottom of the boat, and then painted the first coat.  In the 98 degree heat. While also waiting to hear from his oldest daughter B, who was scheduled to arrive in P'land at 1pm, from Detroit. (Long story short, due to not one but two problems with the planes, she didn't arrive until 10pm, down in Eugene. Arriving in Eugene is far better, especially at that hour, but it sure made for a long day.)

Meanwhile MissS and I hit the stores to find certain items on our shopping lists, and stayed in air-conditioned stores and car.  I found a pair of "running shorts" which I will use at the gym, and got J three new t-shirts. He is very hard on t-shirts, and they get stained or torn regularly; he needed these. Marked down to $10 each, I was thrilled.

So, B, J's oldest daughter, will be with us all week. I like her, but...she is quite a drama queen. Takes a lot of energy to deal with her. She's only a few years younger than me, and has had quite an interesting life. Now she and her ex are sharing a home, and raising their 3 year old grandson because the boy's father and mother--not married-- are both using drugs off and on. Sometimes they are clean and sober, then they both start up again. Both have been in jail and rehab numerous times.  B can only take a vacation during the time of year when her ex's manufacturing plant shuts down for its annual 2weeks, leaving him available to care for the grandson.

Today we are planning to do a walk, and then MissS will join us. I'm hoping we can go to the coast, as it's supposed to be another very hot day. Not as bad as yesterday, though. We were all awakened by crashing thunder this morning around 6am. Thunder is a big deal here--we almost never get it, so when it happens it's major.

J's son and gf will take us all out to dinner tonight, I think, which will be very nice.  Then I go back to work Monday. However my company is closed on Friday, of all things, so we have a nice 3 day weekend.

B leaves on Saturday, the 4th, so we are considering whether to do a Road Trip up to the mountains on Friday; there's an amazing desert museum I haven't been to in many years. I'd love to see that one more time before moving. I don't think J has ever been.  (B had wanted to go to Crater Lake, but J has vetoed that due to his terrible fear of heights-- he said he just cannot do that drive again!  Hard to believe that was a year ago--we did that on July 4th last year.)

 And finally, the gold and diamond ring was repaired. I picked it up yesterday. It's so pretty! All repaired, safe to wear. I'm wearing lots of bling... funny, I used to hate diamonds. Now, I love them. I must be growing into their history.

Okay, time to get ready for the walk.

Sunday

Before: To the left is the inside workbench, and to the right is the outside bench.


 These just give me shudders to look at, so I try to stay away. But those and the photos below are what he has tackled  all week long.

Left, the outside area between house on left and that workbench, above right.

On the right is the beginning of the organization process inside the work shop; I'm so proud of him for tackling this massive project.


And today most of it is cleaned up!

Thankfully our neighbor was making a dump run, so yesterday morning we quickly dragged all the junk to the driveway, and within 20 minutes H was there to take it all away.


The piles are all neatly distributed and organized inside the shop. I've never seen it look like this, ever.  He's been needing to do this for many years, and it took the decision to move for him to finally do it.  I don't have any After pictures, but will take some.

Today he is working on the boat, the one that Z will be getting.  It's Father's Day, and so far he's heard from 3 of the "kids". (I'm betting that the youngest daughter V will not contact him.) Yesterday he worked on the boat a lot, and helped me with some outdoor projects. I went to my meeting in the morning and then hit the gym afterwards. We both took naps in the afternoon, and then watched an interesting movie called Interstellar.

This morning I am so sore; we just came back from a walk up at the park, where we ran into one of my docs and her husband. Intros all around, and comments on the dogs who were actually behaving well.  It's about 70 already, and not sunny, but there is a nice breeze. I think I will have to wash and groom both dogs--they picked up a lot of burrs and duff and straw from the walk. They are both collapsed at my feet right now.

Friday, J took them both with him in the Caddy all the way down to Florence. He texted me that he was loading up the car with blankets, leashes, toys, water, food, snacks, diapers (just kidding), ....then he commented laughing it was just like traveling with little kids. And sure enough, Missy did have a touch of carsickness. 

He met his son and son's gf there at the boy scout camp, and they spent most of the day there, hiking, talking, just enjoying the weather and the outdoors. There is a  lot of old growth fir there, and it's just so beautiful.  The dogs had an utter blast: they got to run free, and chase each other, and jump in the water, and chase little critters. J left around 3 to drive home, as it's an hour and a half ride, and the dogs slept all the way home.

I had gotten to leave work a bit early too, as we had no patients, and there was nothing for me to do, and so we got an early start on the weekend.  MissS joined us for dinner, but was dealing with a bout of bad depression, so she left right afterwards. We found The African Queen on one of the movie channels, and watched that. Hadn't seen it in a long time, and I never tire of it.

During the past week I monitored the headache situation, and I really had only very minor, very mild head pain for one day. But then Thursday was a bad one. Despite the placement of the seeds, I woke up with this one, and it was bad all of the looong day. Not an actual migraine, but I would classify it as severe, all day. Exhausting. Feels like a giant weight on my head and neck, and like heavy pressure, no matter how much stretching or flexing I do, and no matter which meds I take.

The other days the headache was there, just faintly, and certainly nothing I needed to take any meds for.  But on Wednesday morning there was a required training at 7am (!) for the preview of when ICD-10 takes effect in October. The night before I'd been bothered by the damn leg cramps off and on during the night, so between the lack of sleep from that and from having to get up so early for the meeting, and then the soreness from the gym...well, I think all of that combined to make me vulnerable to that monster headache on Thursday.

Next week again, we have just a few patients every day. It seems like a waste of time, sometimes. One day earlier this past week we only had one patient all day, so my manager asked me to help out in Urology.  Anyway, that went well-- their office is right next door,  and at least I know what I'm doing there.

That manager is out this week on vacation, so I don't know quite how the week will go. Both NP and  I are bored. Neither of us has been employed in a position before where there was quite so much free time; normally the bosses find something for you to do, or they send you home.  When I was in research there were definitely days with no patients, but my boss knew that, and was fine with me doing whatever I wanted, as long as I was there to answer the phone or receive packages.

Here, it just seems odd that they don't want us doing more to earn our keep...  if I weren't planning on leaving in six months I'd think about applying for a different position, because it's ridiculous. I think NP is also considering other positions: there are NP openings both in internal medicine and in oncology, within the company. She did work in oncology  in FL...I wouldn't mind doing that. 

Well, more will be revealed.

Sunday

A good week overall.  Monday, NP decided to use me as a test patient for a new approach to headaches. She was an acupuncturist in FL, and while she isn't licensed to do this here in OR, she of course still has those skills. So she mentioned something called "ear acupuncture", aka auricular acupuncture. It doesn't involve needles, but small seeds from a certain Chinese plant. You place them  in certain  spots on or in one's ear, based on where you are feeling the pain. So since it was not actual needles, I agreed. I've been curious about acupuncture for awhile, but the only place I could afford it does not have weekend hours. Which means scheduling this is not possible.

Anyway she placed the "ear seeds" as they are called in/on particular points  on my ear.  And much to my astonishment, I did not have any headache for the rest of the entire week. I woke up with one yesterday morning, Saturday,  thinking, oh yeah, I remember this...  But to have no headache pain for so many days in a row was a blessing.

She also placed the ear seeds to help with my worsening bursitis. Interestingly, this did not work on that pain at all. In fact I've been taking tramadol daily, and even a few times at night, to relieve the ache enough so I could sleep.

On Thursday morning she came in complaining of shoulder and neck pain, which is a chronic issue for her, from an injury several years ago. So she taught me how to apply the seeds to her  right ear, since it's on the right side. And within 15 minutes she too was feeling no pain. Both of us were amazed. There's no scientific reason for this to work. But it does, for some people.

She gave me my own supply of seeds, and I've done some more research. Yesterday I applied a seed to Jeremiah's ear to treat his vertigo ( difficult to do because of the ear hair growth!!), and to MissS for weight control. She also replaced the ones on me for headache, and applied some for weight loss too.  We'll see.  One main principle is to find a painful spot on one's ear, and then that's the guide for where to place the seed.  I have a lot of sensitive spots on my lower ear lobes, so this is interesting to me. I'm cautiously optimistic.

For the rest of the week, each day we had just a few patients, anywhere from 2-6. It makes for long days. I help out the other MAs with their stuff, and do some "house cleaning" in the office, such as checking for expired items, or organizing various areas.  Sometimes I just sit and read about neuro or pain issues, online. Or NP and I talk----about patients, or ways to increase patient load, or possibilities for treatments. (Sometimes I even do crossword puzzles...shhhh...)

I did the gym Tuesday and Thursday after work. Got my bangs trimmed Wednesday.  MissS came for dinner Friday night, and then she and I walked with the dogs doing the full circle of 3 miles. Man, was I hurting by the time I got home. I may have self medicated with wine...

Saturday was  great day, too. The weather has cooled off a lot, down to the mid 70s, and windy and sunny. So after the meeting, and the gym, and a detour to the bank to deposit my "pin money"--yes, the check arrived Friday and went straight into savings--MissS came over to help us tackle an organizing job J has been procrastinating on for literally years and years. He opened up the workshop and the old bus, and has taken everything out....laid it all out on black plastic. MissS and I then separated stuff into similar piles: all plumbing supplies, all electrical supplies, paint stuff,  garden stuff, tools-- hundreds!  okay, dozens! of these-- of all shapes and sizes, miscellaneous pieces of wood or metal or plastic, storage containers, project pieces, small appliances; he could seriously start his own recycle store.

Then he took a garden hose and washed/ scrubbed/bleached if necessary both the bus and the work shop.  He started this Friday, so it's all been airing out.  MissS and I organized yesterday, and today begins the sorting into three piles: stuff to take to FL, stuff to leave here for house and yard maintenance, and stuff to sell or donate to Habitat.

His daughter arrives for a few days around July 4th, B,  the oldest daughter in Ohio. I hope he is done with this by then. In the meantime he is also finishing the trim around the newly installed attic stairs, and then cleaning out the upstairs which is where she will sleep. Oy.

We've pretty much decided we will leave at the end of December. I will get not only my final paycheck, but a good-sized bonus, and it's too much to forgo. In November and December every year the flood insurance and property taxes come due, so that will pretty much eat up my whole check. But staying through the holidays will allow us to spend a "final" Christmas here with such family---kids--- we both have here.  Kind of a big Goodbye thing. Sigh. I'm absolutely positive we will see all kids from both sides in Florida at some point, either for visits or for residence.  And I'm hoping my grands will all find Florida's wonderful attractions (and me, of course) sufficient reason to visit regularly.

J's search for a home in Fl resulted in a lovely completely finished inside and out log cabin with an unbelievable acre of land, on a lake, for a mere 64K.  it was perfect. We discussed it seriously, but the house was an hour from where my sister lives, and I don't want to be that far from her. So we dropped the idea, although I know J yearned for that house.  

When the price dropped to 49K, he brought it up again, and again we discussed it, and reluctantly agreed it was still too far to be practical for me as far as finding work nearby, and also still too far from my sister. Again we decided against it. 

But I mentioned it to my sister. She and her hubby drove out to look at it, fell in love, and went to put in an offer, only to find the place had already been sold, the day the price dropped... The moral of the story is we have to be ready to jump on special properties when they appear. But, J and I don't have the cash yet to be able to move on deals, no matter how good they are.  For me, that is enough of a reason to not even bother looking until August, because that's the soonest I can take money from the retirement account.

Then J will drive out there in early September, and with any luck find a great little place which just needs cosmetic repair, and he'll put in an offer which will be accepted, and then he will leave the Cadillac and fly home.  Then we will have an actual move-in date to shoot for, and I  am hoping for Jan 1, 2016.

Schools here ended Friday--yay!   Which means far less traffic now in the mornings, and on my commute home in the afternoons. No more OSU students for three months, thank god. It will be a lot more peaceful.

MissS and I will go for a walk soon with the dogs. Then she will head down to see her dad, and kindly bring my son's meds also, so he can pick them up at his dad's.  Then J and I are actually going to a movie, in an actual movie theater. We haven't done that since....over a year. There's  a few coming up we want to see: Jurassic Park, the new Mission Impossible movie, the new final Hunger Games movie, the new Bond movie. It's a bright sunny day. TYG.

Sunday

Today is a recovery day. Yesterday was a very emotional and draining day, so many mixed emotions. I'm utterly exhausted, not only from the 93 degree weather.  We did our hour walk with the dogs early, at 8:30, but despite this it was an extremely hot experience. Very low humidity, but Lord, the sweat was pouring off both of us.

Friday was my sons' 29th birthday. I went to my meeting on Saturday and led, knowing I was going to need the emotional support both for spending the day with my sons, and because the next day, (today) was the  anniversary of the deaths of my mom and my grandmother.  So I shared about a lot of this and then was happy to hear others' experiences related to this.

I then drove down to their town thinking I'd pick them up, we'd head out to Florence, and then take the coast road north to Newport, walk around there for a bit of sightseeing, and then drive inland, which is a straight shot to our house. We'd have nachos for dinner because SonN had said he would prepare them for us, and J had made a spice cake with cream cheese frosting, which both sons love. Dessert would be rocky road ice cream, another favorite.  (The weather yesterday was expected to be in the low 90s, so by heading out to the coast the temps are usually at least 20 degrees cooler. Yesterday it ended up being only in the low 60s and windy and foggy as hell. It was very nice.) A nice plan, right?

I arrived at their house, and from the first it was not at all what I expected. SonN had drank too much the night before (surprise!...not...) and was feeling hung over and ill, not to mention reeking of alcohol. SonJ had just returned from the ER where he was treated for a severely sprained ankle, and he was in a lot of pain and also smelled of whiskey. Ugh.  N didn't really want to go for a long car ride, but of course had no other suggestions.

So I was angry at their  drinking escapades, disgusted by the smell, and  yet stubbornly I still wanted to do the coast thing because I haven't done that in years;  I also couldn't figure out what to do with them for a whole day that kept them busy and would give them a good memory. I haven't spent a birthday with them in 10 years, and wanted to make this one special.  Ha. I was trying not to be bitter or resentful, but I was struggling.

I decided to give N a lesson in tough love, and said honestly, "Well, I'm really disappointed N, because I really want to do this coast trip with you guys, I've been looking forward to it all week". We talked about it some, and N was finally okay with it, but he sat in the back and pretty much stayed on his phone, occasionally taking part in the conversations. He wasn't angry, just not feeling well. Inside I was thinking, well tough shit, buddy, you knew we were doing this, and you get to pay the price. I was also thinking calmly that I don't need to change my plans just because one person is hungover. This is a consequence of drinking too much.

SonJ sat in front with me after we stopped and got his prescription filled for the pain meds and the ibuprofen. We had a good time, and got caught up, covering all kinds of topics. Arriving in Florence was the first hint that it wasn't going to be a sunny day: the fog bank was coming in, and it was chilly!  They were wearing shorts and t-shirts, and I was in jeans and a t-shirt, so we  weren't really prepared to do a lot of beach walking--far too cold and windy. Plus it was high tide, so we couldn't explore any tide pools. Still, it was then a long and beautiful drive up to Newport: not too much traffic, but stunning glimpses of the ocean in the fog breaks.

In Newport we did park and walk a bit, especially because SonN was feeling better by then, and had never been there. SonJ had gone with us a couple of times during the year he lived in town with us, so he was very happy to see it again. He  got photos of the sea lions and the docks and the fishing boats. He stated he would love to get a job working on the wharves somewhere, and live where he could hear the ocean and the sea lions. (That's my son, the one I know and love...)


Then  we got back into the car and headed inland; within 5 miles we could feel the temperature rising, and so went back to using the air conditioning. We stopped and picked up hamburger buns because SonN decided he wasn't up to preparing the nachos he had previously said he would make. Sigh. 

Arrived at home at 5:30, and J was there, having thoroughly cleaned up the house after working in it all week. He had mylar balloons in various places, had prepared snacks and gotten everything ready. I explained the change in plans, and he caught on fairly quickly to what was going on. J is so strong and patient, and he genuinely cares for my children; he sees a lot of his younger self in these guys, and therefore wants to help direct them to a better place. The boys really like him, and get a kick out of his stories and the way he is with them, so sometimes they can hear things better from him that they wouldn't necessarily from me...

I gulped an entire glass of wine, and then refilled it and sipped. Put my feet up, and listened to them talking and sharing. It felt good to be able to share this time; some times they really are charming and talkative and funny. They love the cats and dogs, although both noticed right away how old Sheba suddenly is appearing. She's bony, and has difficulty seeing,  and is acting every one of her 17 years.

Missy wouldn't go near them, which is typical for her; she watched how Murphy clambered all over them though, and how he was soaking up the attention.   Sons got the grand  tour again because the house is different than last fall when they were last here. Both are fascinated that MissS is strongly considering living here when we leave; they both see the amount of work required and both are intrigued. I think they were working up to asking if they could live here when we go.  But not only do we not trust them to live here, they couldn't handle the amount of responsibility. MissS could, if she wants to.

Dinner was hamburgers and veggies and then cake and ice cream. We watched the news and discussed some stuff they were interested in, and then around 7:30 we bundled (with the dogs) into J's Caddy and took them home. An hour later as we pulled into their driveway, SonJ suddenly remembered he'd left his pain meds in my car...at our house. I felt so bad for him, and also angry that he'd forgotten to get them because he was really hurting. That poor kid.

Well, as J pointed out as we were talking about it later, this will be another hard lesson for him...On our drive home also we  exchanged a lot of views about what the day had been like. It was a good day, but also very very hard for me to get through. They are so young in many ways, and at 29 they are certainly still struggling just to survive. They're dealing with so much drama. At one point I just started weeping because of how full my heart was, with grief and disappointment and sorrow.  J pulled the car over, on the highway, and just held me and let me cry.  What a loving and kind man he is. I don't know what I would do without him.

The previous week was very nice at work. NP was back from her week off, and we had two full days of patients, and then three days of less-full patients. 

J has been continuing work on the house, and on the last remaining boat. On good weather days he works outside on it, getting it ready to go to his son, instead of the daughter who is still not speaking to him despite her "apology".

 My big triumph was that the jewelry buyer made an offer considerably lower than the first email had suggested she would offer, so I emailed back asking for an explanation of the lesser amount.  I also suggested a number much closer to that first email's offer. And, the buyer reviewed her notes and the appraisal and then--agreed!  So, we notarized the bill of sale and sent it off, and I should be getting that check next week. I'm very pleased.

MissS was working every day all day long starting very early in the day, so we didn't see her at all. She sent me a photo of a scratch her kitten had given her, which was starting to look infected.  I haven't heard yet if she went to the Urgent Care...

This coming week is another with a very light schedule. I don't know if my manager will pull me on those days or not, but I'm learning to not agonize over those possibilities. If it happens  then I will deal with it. It's a toss-up: some days I appreciate the opportunity to be busy even if it's elsewhere, and other days I just want to be in my own area even if it is ...boring.

I'm done writing; I might even take a nap.