Sunday

 Well, this has been a quite different week than I expected.

I woke up Monday and called the pulmonologist office, leaving a message for the NP about what was happening. She called me back around 3:30 asking if I could come in right then, or offered me Tuesday at noon, which is what I took.  And then I messaged the PCP office asking about the referrals I'd requested. I still haven't heard back from them.

Tuesday I got to the pulm office at noon, and discovered I'd lost another 2 lbs. This is the lowest I've weighed in a few years, since the beginning of the cancer. Not sure if it's related to the lung stuff at all.  This time after DrZ listened to my lungs he -- instead of saying "you sound good"-- this time he said, "Can you drive down to the NSB office right now for an infusion?" 

This sounded scary at first, but it just meant I was having a lot of difficulty breathing. I of course drove down, and the infusion is another antibiotic, cefexime (sp?) and decadron, a steroid,  to help with the inflammation. It took about 30 minutes total.

Then I drove home and spent the afternoon quietly. This has now happened every single day, including today, Sunday. Every day I drove down for my appt at 12:30. MissS came with me Wednesday, and while I was still coughing afterwards, it was much easier to breathe; the shortness of breath is easing. We stopped at the WM after that to pick up a few things, and walking through the store did seem exhausting but not as bad as before. I just have to take my time.

Sleeping is another matter. After the first 4 nights with almost no sleep, I decided to go back on the half of an alprazolam each night, which helped immediately. This is on top of the relaxing gummy, and the two melatonin. I still didn't sleep through the night but it was a lot better.

MissS also fixed my Kindle's email, something to do with the password. And Wednesday night I did the Zoom AlAnon meeting.

Thursday was J's birthday in Heaven; he would have been 88. I was sad, and lonely, and I still can't believe I will never see him again. I heard from Veronica and Brenda. And Miss S came over after the infusion to mow my front lawn. Kit made me a Shepard's pie for my dinner, and MissS brought me a little pot of mini-roses, which about brought me to tears. I did eventually get in the pool with MissS after the mowing, but I was so tired I really hesitated. I'm glad I did though-- it was relaxing, and soothing, and I felt a lot better. We talked about J, and cried some, and shared memories we have, and tried to think of the happy times.

I was expecting an Amazon shipment, which was to  include some new non-allergenic, non-scented detergent among other things but it hadn't arrived... so that was a bummer. I was planning on doing laundry but that wasn't possible. It did finally arrive Saturday evening. So I did my two loads, and that always makes me feel better. I'm in such a routine, sigh.

Friday was a much happier day. The day after J's birthday-- I always check the milkweed plants out front in their pots. That morning I found 3 little baby Monarch caterpillars!  They were so pretty, munching on the top of one of the bigger pots' leaves. I was thrilled.  I took photos,  and after an hour or so I went to check on them. 

Sadly, one was missing, one was busily being eaten by a giant wasp/hornet type of insect and there was just one left. As soon as the wasp was done and off the plant, I brought that big pot straight out to the pool enclosure for protection. Poor little thing. Each morning now he is much bigger. I noticed a small hole in the enclosure screen so I will have to patch that up today.

The hornets or whatever they are really scare me. I stopped to fill up the car on Thursday and when I opened the gas cover another giant hornet flew out of the small paper nest he'd built INside the cover!  I shrieked a bit and danced around trying to escape his agitation. Then the damn credit card was refused for some reason, so I just got back in the car and drove up to the next station, and had no problem there. $3.99 a gallon. Sigh. Damn the Felon.

One afternoon I read the second third of the book Dad loaned me, which is so intense but also fascinating in a grim way.

I heard from Cousin Bob too, asking me to send him an updated contact and addresses and other information on both my parents' sides of the family. I had absolutely no energy to even respond, yet, but I suppose I should do this.  Not really in the mood, but he at 80 is working on it. Sis pointed out I am the oldest now and probably have the most information... Seems strange.

Saturday morning I had a few household chores to manage before heading off to the Meeting. I was feeling a lot better by then, and my friends are relieved I did manage to get some help. I didn't have time to hang around afterwards to chat, because I had to do another infusion, Day 5. My nurse Thea had said it was okay to just get there as soon as possible after my meeting, so I managed to arrive around 11:20, and was done fairly quickly. 

I then raced back up to the vet's office to get Missy's meds, but  they closed at noon which I hadn't realized; I got there at 3 minutes after that and they were already gone. So Missy won't get any meds tomorrow morning...I'll just skip that day, see how she does.

Back at home I did the cat boxes and then sat for a few minutes before heading out to get MissS, as we were planning a visit up to Dad bringing lunch; Sis and BIL had originally planned to be with a friend for a memorial service, but he ended up being delayed. So Sis and BIL stayed home and we all had lunch there, catching up.  So bloody hot! 

We discussed their remodeling of the beach house bathroom plans, and everyone's health issues, and the window/door installations, BIL's back issues, his dad's pelvic fracture a month ago,  the hoped-for dates for Sis' trip to NM, and the trench planning, and all of MissS's new information (the two jobs and the new kitten, Pudge). 

Suddenly it was 3:30 and we were all wiped out. Seemed like everyone was ready for naps!  MissS and I left, and I dropped her off before heading home.  I was planning on watering out front and refilling the bird feeders but had no energy. I just settled in and watched an old JohnWayne movie, one of my favorites.  I was suddenly ravenously hungry and had about 8 Oreos after my half sandwich. But I was in bed and sleeping by 9:00. This combination of antibiotics and the steroids is hard on the system. 

This morning I made sure to have my regular breakfast and nebulizer treatments, before leaving for the infusion by 10:30. Thea listened to my lungs and wanted me to come in tomorrow again, which will be Day 6. She'll check with DrZ and I might go in again also on Tuesday. Then my regular appt with him is on the 4th, to see how I'm doing after this intensive treatment. 

I'm supposed to pick up an rx for myself today, but I will wait until tomorrow.  I have had on my to-do list for weeks now the plan to vacuum the car... well, maybe this coming week. I made up a new list and really there is nothing major, but just little nagging things I remember in the moment and if I don't write it down, it's gone. 

I did remember to de-spider the enclosure when I got back from the infusion today. And I cleaned the bathroom, and cleaned up a huge mess Sammy made during the night. He knocked over a glass vase I had filled with little glass stones and some flowers, and it was scattered all over the kitchen floor. 

That was my exciting week. I keep remembering J, and how supportive he was, and how he would be with me at every single appt, taking care of me. I was sometimes frustrated that I was never alone, but it's sure funny how things change. I would give anything if he were here now with me.

MissS will be over later, and we'll get in the pool before the expected rain arrives-- there's been no rain since Monday? Tuesday? Amazing how quickly things grow. 

TYG

Sunday

 Another later start, although I did manage to get out of bed by 8:30. It's almost 90 degrees at 11am.  

Yesterday morning was a very bad start: I'm scared to think the lung thing is worsening. I can hardly breathe, the shortness of breath is scary, and the coughing is pretty out of control for a few hours. The thing I have to start keeping track of is whether it's a result of the two weeks on the antibiotic, or if it's just in general. I am coughing up stuff more, and it's pretty intense. I can feel/hear the wheezing. 

At the Meeting I just stood and leaned on my chair next to B, who was the only one there. He asked if I was okay and I said, finally  admitting it to myself out loud, that I think this is getting worse. I could barely get those words out before I started coughing.  Once again I was pretty quiet during the meeting except for the frequent cough. 

Afterwards my friends came to me, and expressed their concerns. A few encouraged me to call the doc and report this. My other friend N walked outside with me, and shared that she thought I was not only coughing more but it was more intense and it looked painful. She noticed I was more fatigued, too. She is also dealing with a chronic heart/lung thing, so she understood my reluctance to call the doc before my next scheduled appt in September. But she gently encouraged me, reminding me we have to be our own advocates. 

Frankly, I am scared. What if...

But I will call Monday. I have a list of things to do Monday, which I haven't had the energy to do, but damn it, I have to force myself. 

I stopped at Target to pick up more cough medicine, and the bank to get some cash. Then I went home and took care of chores before settling in to start reading a book Dad lent me. It is utterly riveting. I started on page 1 and read 90 pages before I couldn't bear any more. It is frightening. It's called Nuclear War, a detailed description of exactly what happens from the first warning of a launch by a foreign country.

Last Monday was another day I didn't do much. I meant to do those phone calls on my list...  but made excuses to myself and didn't. I heard from one cousin-- I had sent an email with photos asking if any of them wanted these items. Later another cousin said she would get back to me, but she hasn't yet. Frankly I don't think I could bring myself to sell these items, even if no one wants them.

Tuesday I forced myself to get up early (8am) and did both my nebulizer treatments, and then drove to my haircut place. Christine did my cut as usual: I asked for a "classic shag" with shorter layers on top to add volume. I'm very pleased with it-- it always takes a few days for my hair to recover from a new cut. I'd had a coupon for 9.99, so that really helped.

On my way home I stopped at Publix for a couple of things, and then headed home. It was about 11:20. But there had been a horrendous car accident just at the entrance to my little neighborhood. It looked like one car and one truck completely crumpled, with pieces of the cars all over the road. The police were already there, and as I along with the other cars in that lane crawled past, I could see an ambulance behind me and one coming toward me. What a complete mess! The southbound lanes were blocked off a half mile before that turn. There was no getting near it. 

I was thinking frantically what to do. I ended up driving north to the Aldi at Mason so I could use their bathroom, and bought a few things, still not finding the one damn thing on my list. Then I sat in that parking lot for a half hour. 

Meanwhile MissS texted me she was on her way to the house. I texted her back to just go home, because of the accident, but she decided to see for herself. It took her an hour to be diverted and crawling along the backed-up roads; that is a heavily traveled road. Eventually she gave up too, and texted she was going home. 

And eventually I decided to head back in that direction too. I parked in the 7/11 lot at the intersection in the shade, so I had a clear view of the cops blocking those southbound lanes, and there I sat until 1:40 when they finally drove off, opening the road. There was no sign of anything left by the time I entered my neighborhood.

I don't even remember the rest of that day-- Missy was delirious with joy, and it was not until 2:30 that things kind of settled down. I did get in the pool though, before the thunderstorm arrived. It was massive, and loud, and seemed like it was right overhead.

Wednesday morning I met N for brunch at Mel's Diner, and we had a wonderful time. I got home a bit after 1, to find MissS had mowed the lawn in back, and was cooling off in the pool. She is amazing, and I am so thankful.  She fixed the messed-up icons on my phone, which again I am so appreciative of.

Later Bro and SIL came and picked me up, to join them for dinner at the clubhouse with Dad. I was so tired by then, and not hungry at all, but I ate the Caesar salad with chicken and took most of it home. Dad had brought the book I am now reading. 

Thursday was a very quiet day, to recover from the previous day's activities. I found Gramma's daily diary, which I know I've read before, but certain things really stood out. There are dates and events and a lot of family information.  

Friday was scheduled to be a quiet day, ie, I had no plans. However, Sis' bathroom in the beach house is being remodeled, so MissS and Kit cannot do their laundry there. They asked if they could come here and do their laundry along with some pool time, and of course I said yes.

They also brought subs from Firehouse Subs,  and I saved mine for dinner, which was yummy. While they were here my two trellis's arrived, so Kit put them together for me. He also knew exactly where to spray a ton of WD40 on the dishwasher which has been squealing and getting worse for months.  Thankfully the application of a lot of that lubricant helped quite a bit. 

 I got in the pool too after they left, and that always helps to calm me down. The cats circle the pool meowing to me, which is interesting. I feel I have to reassure them I am okay.

Saturday was the worst day of shortness  of breath and coughing. Today is maybe not as bad as far as the SOB goes, but I am still coughing. I have finished the two-week period on the antibiotics, so I'm monitoring the frequency and severity.  Now that I've decided to call the pulmonologist I just want to do this and get it over with. Sigh. 

This coming week will be J's birthday. I so wish I could dream of him again. He would be 88, which seems insane. 

TYG 

For my friends, for my family, for my animals, for my house, for my life.

Sunday

 First, the monarch. MissS and I raced off to Home Depot at the beginning of a monstrous storm Sunday afternoon. I really thought I didn't dare not supply milkweed leaves for the monarch caterpillar. After I'd done a lot of research it didn't seem right... so off we went. 

The storm was unbelievably big and loud; we arrived at HD and sat in the car waiting for the deluge to lighten up. When it didn't, I said the hell with it, and we rushed for the door.  Arrived inside absolutely drenched, and there was almost no one in the store. We headed for the garden center, where I'd forgotten that not all of that area is covered, and of course the milkweeds were right in that section, uncovered. 

We stood there debating. Between the storm noise, rain, thunder and lightning it was scary. There was a huge lightning strike on a metal section of the garden center, and we both jumped and shrieked, but shortly afterwards I thought this was ridiculous. We were already wet, so we rushed over there and grabbed two plants, and rushed back inside, completely drenched. Paid and got out of there, and at home the storm still hadn't abated. 

But I placed the plants out on the front porch, and moved the little cat to the biggest plant. I honestly don't remember what else we did that afternoon, but I'm sure we watched some TV and made dinner.

Monday I checked on the plants-- and there was no sign of the little caterpillar. I was so sad... who knows what happened. I ordered some macrame plant hangers to keep these two plants safe. If it was eaten, the milkweed needed to be kept away from the squirrels -- or rats??-- so hanging these out of reach made sense. Sort of.

 And I did more research on Bob. I learned that no, he hadn't "happily reconnected" as I'd hoped when I last wrote here. 

What I could piece together after more extensive research was sad: he had been homeless most of his life after that last letter I received from him. The next 40 years were a big question mark. 

Eventually he was diagnosed with lung cancer, probably from the Agent Orange exposure while he was in Camp Lejeune, and ended up in a rehab/hospice facility in Cambridge. There somehow Boston's Wounded Warriers organization connected with him. They asked him if there was anything they could do, any last wishes. They verified he'd been on three tours in Vietnam. He said he wanted to find his children, and go for a horseback ride.

So this amazing organization tracked down all his remaining family: his three daughters, two sisters and a brother. His mom who was so sweet to me had died years ago. I never met any of the other family. Anyway, they arranged a reunion-- his daughters drove up from Virginia and GA where they were living, just after Christmas 2015. That's where that photo came from, the one in the obit. 

I found a few more photos: in one he is sitting in what looked like a cafeteria, a shelter for the homeless. He is smiling and looking at the camera, with a plate of food in front of him. In another, he is arranged in some kind of contraption which is placed on a horse, so he could have his final ride. He was so close to dying then that he could only manage a few minutes of sitting upright, before he asked to be helped off, and his aide rode for him instead. The aide was so touched that Bob had given his ride to him. Three days after that ride, he died.

And the final photo was of him seated, with his daughters on either side and one in front. He had a nasal tube for breathing, and they all posed for the camera. The oldest daughter I found on FB was the one who looked most like him, Cheryl.  I don't know whether it's appropriate to reach out to her, so I am mulling over that. I don't think I will.

His ashes are with Cheryl, and there was also a photo of a memorial display-- the flag, his few belongings, and the photo.

I was overcome: this has been in my mind for days. All the "what ifs" and "if onlys".  It wasn't my job to save him, but I still feel so conflicted. I've wondered for all my life whatever happened to him. Now I know.

Tuesday. I finally got Missy and Willow to the groomer Paul, and they seem much happier now. 

Sis and BIL came over, so BIL could install the doohickeys to control the flow of water from the solar panels/pipes, and he also installed a new electrical thing in the back bathroom, so I can now use that to plug in the air purifiyer. (On Thursday MissS looked up that instruction manual  online, to find out that there was a re-set button to turn off the red sensor light indicating a problem with the filter. She fixed it!! Yay!!)

I also got a call from B in AlAnon, to notify me that our dear friend Bert had died, at 96. A very longtime member, multiple decades. He was a recovered alcoholic of more than 40 years, and also was in with AlAnon because of his son, who died at 16 of an overdose.  Bert was an original, very emotional, and I can't remember how many hugs I got from him.

Wednesday maybe it was all the emotions, but I was just drained. Physically and emotionally. I had no energy at all, just watched movies  and embroidered. The only productive thing I did was hang the milkweed in the macrame hangers.  And attended the Zoom AlAnon Meeting at 6pm.

Thursday my energy was back. I did two loads of laundry (because one of the cats tossed her cookies on my bed-- ugh!), vacuumed the whole house, did the catboxes, scrubbed the bathtub in the back room, swept the enclosure for spider webs, picked up my meds at Publix, and put out the leftover cornbread for the birds. 

MissS came over that day too, and we talked about a lot, including her new kitten. We got in the pool, and later watched the Castle show on HGTV.  We made a dinner of bacon and eggs, and watched the first two episodes of LHOP, the remake series on Netflix. 

It's absolutely nothing like the beloved books. They took the premise-- a young family heads "west" for a better life in the 1800s-- and nothing else in the series is in the book. I'm so disappointed. The series itself isn't bad; it's just not the book: (New made-up town characters, the dog, even the color of the girls' hair, and Ma's hair, is all different. Story lines involving the Osage land, Pa's backstory, Mr Edwards' backstory and alcoholism,  Ma's family, a black single woman who adopts a white boy who's been abandoned in town, Laura's friendship with the young Osage family living nearby. Arggh!! Why do they do this??)  I have one more episode to watch before it's done, but I sure hope they don't pick it up for another season. 

Friday was a quiet puttering around day, inside and out. It has been so bloody hot and humid that it's pretty impossible to work outside for long.

And yet, Chris appeared on my lawn in the midafternoon in his riding lawnmower!  He did the whole thing-- mowing, edging, leaf blowing. I gave him a bag of cookies, and he gave me some of his yellow cherry tomatoes. Melissa has been working some crazy hours, so he is alone a lot, and actually texted me out of the blue, thanking me for being such a "good friend". 

Saturday I got up early to be able to do both inhaler treatments before the meeting. I still managed to cough quite a bit during the meeting. This time one of the newer members actually asked me what was going on, and I reassured him I wasn't contagious, just had a chronic lung thing. He's the one fighting bone cancer, and looks terrible, frankly. He is the son of one of my dear friends there, and so it is very easy to have compassion for him. 

Back at home I gave Missy a long overdue bath, watered and fed the palms and plants in front, refilled bird feeders, repotted some plants, and inside I re-arranged some of the mudroom shelves.  I am planning on rearranging the sunroom too, but so far haven't had that much energy.

Today I am just not feeling good. Bad headache, stomach pain, extreme fatigue, even my back hurts. I have restarted the stretching this week, but am starting slow, only every other day. Today was to be a day I did that but I just can't. 

My daughter MissS should be coming over today, but it will be a very low energy day. It's dark and cloudy outside, with thunderstorms expected. Could this weather be responsible??

Today, also, would have been mine and J's wedding anniversary. It would have been 18 years married. I have a lot of sadness and grief today, so maybe that is also part of it.  Such a bittersweet day. Brenda texted me early in the morning, sending a hug to mark the day.

TYG

Sunday-- JULY 5

Sunday afternoon... it's 12:07 as I start this. I slept in again, and was still feeling groggy when I got up, despite getting to bed by 9:30. (I had to restart the antibiotic yesterday, and forgot for a quick moment that it was twice a day. Sigh. I was ready for bed by 9.

I don't know if it'll rain today, but I definitely need to get in the pool before too long.

Last Monday MissS and Kit came over for some pool time by themselves. I had done my morning chores and was pretty tired so I stayed inside.

Tuesday MissS came and got me, and we drove to meet Sis at the Cinema. On Tuesdays tickets are only $8, so we got to see Disclosure Day. Definitely mixed reactions-- I loved it and want to see it again. Sis was ticked off by the ending, and not impressed overall. MissS was a bit confused and found it hard to follow in general.  We both really missed the subtitles we are used to!

Still it was wonderful to share this experience. We all love movies. Sis admitted she has seen Project Hail Mary about 10 times. I thought my obsession with the LOTR trilogy was bad... lol.

Wednesday was July 1. I've had a couple of "reminders" on my calendar for two weeks now and haven't done them yet: sending emails to my cousins about certain family items, and taking the cat and dog to the groomer. Sigh. Hopefully this coming week I can do both.

In the afternoon I was watching a documentary and when the phone rang I saw it was from my health insurance. It turned out to be the case management dept, following up on a survey they'd sent me (to take to my PCP and have her review it). Which I had done. 

The CM nurse reviewed the form,  discussing the depression/grief, and the recent injury to my glute/hip, and my being put on a statin.  I have a few months until my next appt with the PCP, which will give me time to fully recover-- this includes getting over my fear of restarting the stretching. I'm SO fearful of doing that injury again. I wasn't doing anything unusual and yet it still happened. That was such a terribly  painful event.

That day also, the pool pump decided to explode and started spraying water everywhere. By the time I discovered this, the level of water in the pool was far below the place where the hose goes in. I could have gotten in but the water would not even have reached my waist... I texted Sis to ask her if BIL could come and take a look, but sadly BIL had injured his back and was in just too much pain.

Shortly after that it was time for the weekly Zoom AlAnon meeting. I am starting to enjoy listening more, but have no plans to share-- there are usually 40+ in attendence and while more than half are not showing their faces it still would feel awkward for me. My local friends of course show their faces so that is comforting.

Thursday MissS was here after she once again volunteered to mow the lawns. Despite it only being 8 days or so since the last mow, it was desperately needed. We would have liked to get in the pool of course, and I felt so badly for her. She fixed an issue I was having with the email on my laptop,  so that was huge help as well.

I know I picked up groceries that afternoon so I wouldn't have to go into  the damn Walmart, but the joke was on me: A couple of the items weren't available so I had to go in anyway, but I planned that for Saturday after the meeting.

Friday I barely remembered it was time to restart the antibiotic, and then I did household chores, made the hardboiled eggs for the family get-  together the next day here at my house. Made sure I had all the ingredients for everything, planned out how Saturday would go. 

The main thing I did was follow up on something MissS had found Thursday afternoon. I can't remember how it came up, but at one point I was  telling her that it was going to be Bob's birthday the next day, and how I always wanted to know whatever happened to him.  

She asked me for his DOB and the full name, and less than a minute later she'd found his obit. I was shocked-- I had never been able to find anything online, but it turns out I was probably not remembering his year of birth correctly. He would have been 81 Friday, but the obit listed his death as March of 2016, just a few weeks before we arrived in FL. He was 70, my age now. 🤯  

There was only a funeral home listing, and not much else. The photo was unrecognizable-- nothing even remotely familar.  So Friday I spent a good 2 hours scouring the Internet and Facebook. 

I found only one other photo, which looks almost identical to the most recent one he sent me back in '79. He'd sent that one with a letter in which he asked if we could get back together. Two years after we'd split up. Two years after I'd gone through hell trying to recover from that relationship and the split. I was in agony, angry that I was so confused again, and sad, and still in love,  and grieving all over again. I never heard from him again after that-- I'd responded with a letter of course, and that was that. But I thought of him off and on for the next 40 years. He made a huge and lasting impression on me. He shaped what I was looking for in a man, in a relationship.  I often thought that J was the perfect mixture of Don and Bob and Mike, the most important men. Plus of course his own unique, quirky, vital self.

My best hope (based on what the obit listed as multiple family members, grands and great grands), is that he pulled himself out of the mental and emotional health issues he was battling when I knew him. And  I hope that somehow he repaired his relationships with his kids. I found one daughter on Facebook, and in her photos was the same one listed in the obit. Across it was written "I Love You". So maybe he found some peace after all.

Also on Friday, Sis and BIL came to the rescue for the pool-- I was so thrilled and grateful. I could tell he was hurting, and it was uncomfortable to watch him at time, imagining the difficulty he was having.  But he is a hero, and was determined. 

Meanwhile, Sis and I talked in the living room.  She had gifted me a  replacement crock pot!  Funny, earlier that week I'd ordered one and then texted her that I had done so, in response to a conversation where she and I had been clarifying why I didn't use my big crockpot much-- it is freakin heavy and awkward and too big. As soon as I'd told her I'd bought one, she texted back that she had ordered one for me!   It was a wonderful surprise, and so thoughtful and generous. 

So I cancelled my order, and she brought the same one I'd ordered. It's a sweet little 2 quart size , and it's pink! A perfect shade of pink, like a dusky, diner pink. I absolutely adore it.  It is a great size for me, as I'm the only one here now. 

In my mind I was trying to figure how I'd do "all the things" I needed to do: the groomer, Walmart, maybe a trip to Sonic for one of their fantastic cheeseburgers, and Aldi. I seem to get stuck in a loop on that hamster wheel in my head. Eventually I was able to get out of that loop, but jeez I hate it when I seem to obsess over how I can manage all I need to. 

Saturday was the Meeting, and as always it was so helpful.  I had only managed to do the antibiotic inhaler that morning, and was feeling short of breath and flushed. I think it's because I didn't manage to get the other nebulizer treatments. Well, I paid the price. I stopped in at the WM in PO and picked up my few things, but I was having a lot of trouble with my breathing. I could not catch my breath. Back at home I dragged the groceries in, and immediately started the inhaler process. Coughed a  lot but it did really help ease the tightness.

I did all the prep for the get-together, and finally my back was hurting enough that I had to sit for awhile after taking a pain pill. MissS and Kit arrived at 3 or so, and immediately got in the pool before the rain. Fortunately the pool had refilled and was still the same 88 degrees.

Sis and Dad and BIL and Rufus arrived closer to 4, and we all sat in the living room with adult beverages and talked. Hard to believe it was the 250th birthday of the United States. Not that we were sad... but it sure didn't feel like the celebration we all needed. What a momentous milestone--- yet it didn't feel celebratory. 

The dinner was great-- I tried a new recipe for BBQ chicken on the stove, and Sis brought potato salad, and there were chips and dip, and cornbread,  the deviled eggs and several desserts. I cannot believe we had absolutely no veggies!   Still, it was all good, and so nice to be with everyone. Bro and SIL were visiting her family on the other coast, and we missed them. 

It was supposed to rain, but really didn't. It cooled down quite a lot by the time they all left.

This morning I was sweeping off the front porch and refilling the bird feeders. As I checked the plants, I found a monarch!! It had actually latched onto the milkweed even though some damn critter had eaten all the leaves two days before. How exciting! I hope it grows up safely. I think I might need to rush out and buy another milkweed...

Well, MissS is due here any moment.

TYG

Sunday

 Well, it's noon. I'm getting started much later in the day than usual for me. Mornings are rough. I slept until 9, which is pretty unheard of... for me. MissS reassured me it was fine to take care of myself that way, and of course there's no particular reason to get up: I'm not going anywhere today, and no one is coming here. I can sleep as late as I want.  It just feels strange.

Last Sunday MissS came over and we couldn't get into the pool due to the pouring rain, but we talked and made turkey burgers for  dinner.

Monday she came back in the early afternoon, and she mowed the lawns, both front and back. It was so hot, and humid. I was so grateful. Some of those damn grasses were almost 2 feet tall. Then we both got in the pool-- it's been in the upper 80s in the water all week. 

I also called the vet that day to make an annual appt for Missy, so she can continue her anti-itch meds.

Tuesday I was scheduled for the ultrasound, and got a text reminding me. Shortly after that I got another text reminding me of a mammogram scheduled for the next day-- Wednesday?? What the hell.

I showed up there at the appointed time, and after explaining/reporting the confusion over what was happening, after a looong back and forth, it turned out that the radiologist at last December's mammogram mis-spoke-- he recommended an ultrasound in June; he actually meant to say a mammogram.  

So all this confusion was finally clarified, and they were able to do the mammogram that day. The US is only done "if warranted" (if something looks suspicious), so while I had to wait there afterwards for someone to read the mammogram, it all worked out; I am fine. Nothing suspicious. Repeat in December. 

It was DrI's birthday, so I sent a text wishing him HB, and asked about his health. This time he responded with "episodes of arrhythmia", and since there was no cardiology dept anymore, he was waiting for his appt at the new cardiologist office up the road.  First I was shocked at his having some troubling signs, second I was completely shocked by the  news of the cardiology dept being closed. He mentioned something about "the new administration"... that's always bad news. 

Wednesday I knew the bug guy was due between 12-2. This was a 2 week follow up so he shouldn't have charged me the $48 again, but he did. This will require a phone call tomorrow. 

Later in the afternoon Bro and SIL picked me up and we had a leisurely drive up to pick up Dad, before heading to the clubhouse for another yummy dinner. Bro and I both had the chicken Caesar salad-- so good. It was a great evening.

Thursday morning I went to pick up my re-engraved and polished silver cuff bracelet, expertly and beautifully done by my jeweler at Masterpiece. I was so impressed-- I love the result so much. These engraved initials are from my grandmother's grandmother, Helen Brown. It must have meant a lot to my grandmother. I feel pretty honored to be wearing it.

After I got home, I got a call from an AlAnon friend needing to talk, so we did for half an hour or so. We both felt better after this.  At 1:50 I'd been engrossed in a movie set in Revolutionary war times, with Spencer Tracey, when I happened to see the time and shot out of my seat. Missy had an appt at 2 at the vet!  Fortunately all I had to do was put sandals on and grab Missy and her leash to jump in the car. We arrived 7 minutes later. Thank god the vet is literally just around the corner.

She was a shivering wreck, and glued herself to my side. We had to wait almost 40 minutes which is not usual there. But all is well-- she's gained a pound, so she is 13lbs 6 oz. Not good for a little dog who is supposed to be 9lbs. She still has the faint heart murmur; and her occasional choking spells which happen sometimes after exertion are probably nothing. I'm to monitor that, and watch for any other concerning symptoms. $140 for that exam and refill of her meds.

Friday I did household stuff, cleaning, laundry, reviewing finances. I had my appt at oncology at 1:10, arrived early as requested, and after the vitals and the labs were drawn I was shown to an exam room. Where I sat and waited until 1:45. Again, not usual. 

Finally the NP opened the door and seemed surprised to see me, but said she'd get her laptop and start the visit. She is dreadfully slow, but there was a lot to catch up on, so it worked out all right. She and I are having a lot of the same issues, and compared notes and treatments. 

She also suggested the antidepressant Lexapro. I declined, but now I'm wondering. She said I could call anytime if I change my mind. This was the third day when I didn't need to take a pain pill. But I do use the gummies if it starts hurting. Standing for longer periods of time really aggravates the pain, which goes shooting down my leg. 

On the way home I filled up the gas tank, and back at home I got in the pool before the rain started. The pool helps so much. 

Saturday morning at the meeting, I got to turn over the key to someone else.  The meeting was based on a reading discussing the incredible amounts of money we spend (on fines, treatments, rehab centers, therapy, etc for our loved ones with addiction/alcoholism) before realizing nothing we do will help. The recovery has to start with the addict. (And no, I have not heard from my sons.)

Afterwards on a whim I stopped in at the Dollar General to see what they had; I found a couple of big plastic planters for my ever increasing collection of plants. I found some plant food, and a small plastic watering can, and a few other things.

At home I made a batch of cookie dough, and popped it in the fridge. Later MissS came over for pool time-- the temp was 88degrees. It soon became clear a big storm was coming so we had to get out too soon, and shortly after that the skies opened up. This was a huge storm with very loud thunder and flashes of lightning, and buckets of rain.

At one point during the storm MissS and I were watching a documentary on Sanibel before and after the hurricane in 2022, Ian. That was stressful enough-- the footage was just heartbreaking and the devastation was almost unbelievable. I was surprised at how triggering it was to look at.  All I could think of was Hugo, so many years ago. I was so sad. It was hard to handle the tears.

Suddenly a gigantic explosion occurred, sounding like it was across the street. MissS had a direct view of this.  She described it as an orange explosion and we both were shocked to the point of jumping, as did the cats, who scattered in all directions. 

It turned out the transformer next to Chris' house was hit, and that side of the street and the next street over were without power for hours.  (When the power trucks arrived, I could hear some of the neighbors shouting for joy, welcoming them. It took a few hours to repair--it was about 10:30pm when the trucks finally left.  I had texted Chris who was alone, and asked if he was okay.  He was appreciative that I had checked on him, and he was fine.)

When the documentary was over,  I made our dinner, and she focused on making the cookies. These turned out spectacularly. I gave MissS half to take with her.  She got back in the pool for a short time before leaving. There had been SO MUCH rain during this storm that the pool filled up completely, at least 2 more inches, so it looks like an infinity pool. 

After she'd gone, I watched some shows on Hulu, and while also scrolling on Facebook I saw reviews of the concerts Barry Manilow is doing. This is his final tour, due to his recent diagnosis of lung cancer, and although I've seen him twice before, it's a wonderful show. I checked where he was in FL, and Jacksonville is the closest venue, in August. I had to seriously think about it, but... I splurged and bought two tickets. 

Then I texted MissS and asked her if she would be interested. She responded that she wasn't really familiar with his music, but she'd go.  She is an angel. 

I also asked Sis if she'd be interested... and she had seen him before too and loved it, but was worried about the driving. (Same here.)  In the end I agree with Sis that MissS will love it too.

This coming week I have no appts, nothing really except a trip to see Paul the groomer, since I didn't get to it last week. That will probably be on Tuesday.

I'm tired, and aching physically. My state of mind is just fuzzy mostly, and I am glad the worst of the outdoor chores are done. I just need someone with a chainsaw (Chris?) to cut up that freakin' huge wooden thing.  My cardinals are still in the nest... but I think I saw a baby with an open mouth as I casually passed by that tree.

And of course the stupid Mexican petunias... an ongoing saga.

Still, I am so grateful for my life, my family, my friends. 

TYG

Sunday

 JFC, it's just after noon, and it's 88 degrees outside. Sigh. I don't know why I am so surprised every year. I've been here 10 years now, you'd think I'd be used to it.  The pool is at 85 degrees, which is great for me.

It's also official Father's Day, so I've texted DrI and we are in the middle of a conversation.  We had our Father's Day celebration yesterday at Sis' house. BIL and she supplied the meats (chicken, pork, spare ribs) and sides of coleslaw and mac and cheese and garlic toast, and I brought the deviled eggs. I'd brought the meatloaf for Dad, and Sis put that in the freezer.  It was all yummy. It was just me and  Dad and Sis and BIL.

However, Bro and SIL arrived later bringing desserts of cookies and brownies and ice cream. Incredibly rich, and so good. Then Shannon arrived, and that was nice. 

We'd seen a doe and two fawns earlier, meandering around the lawn. That is so cool; it's endearing to realize they trust the residents in the house.

Missy and I left around 5, as Bro and SIL did, and I got in the pool when I got home. It felt wonderful.

That morning I'd gone to the AlAnon meeting, and got hugs from all my friends. I was basking in the glow of one long talk in particular with K, just standing out in the parking lot, in all the heat and humidity. He knows just what to say to help my aching soul.

One thing I'm mulling over: at one point I'd said my heart was cracked, and he instantly and gently said, but don't you see, that's where God is...    Hmm, must ponder. (Sometimes he says things that seem over my head. Once I commented that he spoke so eloquently and thoughtfully, was he ever a minister, a preacher? And he hesitated before saying  Nooooo very slowly. There's a story there, I'm sure.)

Last Sunday, MissS came over in the afternoon, and dragged the entire leftover branch pile out to the curb. It was incredibly hot. I could not bring myself to go outside due to the damn headache I'd had for 2-3 days by then. I'm sure it was related to the weather, because I could not shake it. Anyway, she did that for me in less than half an hour, and then we got in the pool and talked. 

She was due to officially start the new job the next day, a remote training, online, consisting of a number of modules to learn/read, etc.  She didn't stay for dinner, which actually worked out okay: my neighborhood lost power for less than a half hour, right around dinner time. I'd gotten a text that it would be restored by 10:45... but actually it came on much earlier.

The next morning I finished my nebulizer treatments, and found the paperwork for my appt with the PCP in time. I packed up all my meds, but nobody asked to see them. I learned that I'd lost 3 lbs. I'm not really actively trying to lose, and in fact I thought I'd gained due to my inactivity from the hip/leg thing.  

Instead we reviewed the labs and since the cholesterol level is too high we decided to start the statin. The CoQ10 clearly didn't work; I'll stop decrease the cheese. Sigh.

She renewed my GI meds, and is okay with managing these, so no referral to a GI is needed now. But she is putting in a referral to the Derm, and gave me a new rx for the cough pills which were working. Once again she offered an antidepressant, after learning I'm weeping with grief roughly every other day. I do think this is normal, and I really do not want yet another pill. 

Back at home I just collapsed.  Didn't do much of anything.

Tuesday I did some online ordering from Walmart, to take advantage of the free delivery trial again. Everything got delivered on time,  and the one thing I ordered apparently was out of stock, so that cost was refunded.

Wednesday I went to Publix to pick up my meds ($95!  two were free, two were the $45 and $50 items).  And that evening I started the statin, on the lookout for side effects. I attended the Zoom meeting, shutting off the camera part while I ate my dinner, but listening.

Thursday morning, Sis came over and helped me with figuring out two weird pieces of email. Fortunately both were legit. Then we picked up the cat carriers which held the two boys, and popped them in the car. I'd had the usual difficulty capturing them but at least I didn't get scratched.

I drove us to the groomer, and the place was pretty busy, yet we didn't have long to wait. Paul met Sis and then whisked the kitties off one by one.  I feel so much better now, with their toenails clipped. Next week I'll bring Missy and Willow.

Sis stayed for awhile after we got home, just talking and catching up. It looked like it might start raining heavily at one point, so she left to get home before it did.

And at 3:30 MissS called, hysterical. She had just been let go!  She wasn't able to finish all the online modules because she was denied access to the program, and when she explained this to the training supervisor, she was called dishonest!   I've never heard of such a thing. 

I shared this info with everyone in our family, as she didn't feel up to being at the Father's Day meal yesterday. Everyone is shocked and practically speechless.  No one quite knows how to respond, as this is unheard of.

I think that things happen for a reason... but I also know I don't always know the reason at the time. Sometimes it's not apparent until quite some time later, when you can look back and see how all the threads are connecting. 

I feel so much pain for her, and yet she has survived so much. I'm definitely hopeful things will turn around, but currently it is a slow path.

Friday morning I made the meatloaf and stuck it in the freezer. I hope it turns out well. I didn't feel right that day, very low energy. I mainly watched movies, and read, and embroidered.

One very nice thing happened this day: Ben, J's photographer friend, sent me a photo I'd never seen before. On a day trip to the Coast, Ben and J were standing on either side of a huge old-growth tree which had been chopped down who knows when. Ben has his arms folded, leaning on the base. J is also leaning on the base, smiling, one leg on the trunk. It's an amazing capture, and such a gift.  I adore this photo. I need to find another 5x7 frame. I was so touched-- happy tears indeed.

After the AlAnon meeting Saturday morning, I stopped by the Pinch a Penny to get more chlorine. It's now sitting in the car because damn, those jugs are heavy. I'll ask MissS to bring them in for me. 

And when I got home I made the deviled eggs, and packaged everything up including Missy to travel up to Sis'. I had given Missy a mild sedative, but it hadn't kicked in yet.  She shivered and trembled on the drive up, but calmed down a lot when we were sitting in the living room.  She and Rufus basically ignore each other, fortunately. 

This coming week I call the vet for an appt for Missy, and I have my ultrasound on Tuesday. This is the first time it's been just the US and not the usual accompanying mammogram. Interesting. Friday is my followup appt with DrA. The US results should be available by then.

And before next Saturday's AlAnon meeting can start, I pass the door key along to someone else. I can't believe this whole month is almost over.

Hoping to get a swim in today. I think it's pretty warm.

Very grateful, whatever happens. TYG

Sunday

 It's quite warm... to say the least. I keep the AC at 78,  and am being rewarded by the electric bill remaining at around $140 or so. 

MissS was over last Sunday afternoon; we got in the pool, and talked a lot.

Monday was a quiet day; I rewatched an old favorite movie with Loretta Young and William Holden and Robert Mitchum. Decided I needed to read this, which means finding it on the old book site and downloading it.

Tuesday was a big, big day. Sis and BIL stopped by to help install the beautifully cleaned rug into the second bedroom. It took 3 of us, although they did all of the heavy lifting. It looks amazing. I'm so thrilled.

As we were recovering, BIL went outside to take some measurements for the trench project, while Sis and I got caught up. When BIL came back in,  we were talking about the outdoor projects I still needed done, which Chris had said he'd do but still hadn't. BIL casually mentioned he had a pole saw in the truck... and said he could take care of these trees right then!  I was so excited and thrilled and in shock. I told Sis that MissS was due anytime to help me with some of the boxes in the guestroom.

And then BIL and I went outside to tackle the trees. That pole saw is heavy to wield, when you are aiming it upwards to take those things down safely. BIL did a heroic job-- two trees down along the chain link fence, and one much larger/taller tree in the back west corner along the fence. Everything was cut and stacked, ready to load into the wheelbarrow. 

I can't express how much of a relief it is to have those dead things gone, safely out of risk of entangling with the wires and cables. I have hated seeing those, since the February freeze. BIL did an amazing and careful job, and I practically cried with happiness.

They left shortly afterwards, and meanwhile MissS had arrived; we tackled two boxes, and just that amount was emotionally draining. I found several things I am planning to photograph and send out to the cousins, to see if anyone wants them.  

We stopped around 4. Later we cooked dinner together-- I'd thawed some mystery meat which turned out to be filet mignon, two small pieces. So we had those and lima beans and mashed potatoes.  I was so afraid of ruining these filets; I read a couple of recipes and watched one particular video multiple times, as it seemed a bit easier than the other videos. MissS didn't love the result, but I did, and saved the rest of hers which I had for dinner the next night too. May have been too salty? 

Wednesday morning I picked up my meds at Publix, and stopped at the jeweler's to ask them about re-engraving the cuff bracelet; they do this and will call me when it's ready. They also cleaned my diamond rings. Back at home I did laundry, moved the old bedroom curtains to the guest room, and took the wheelbarrow load to the curb in time for the afternoon pick up.

My pest control guy came and will come back in two weeks; apparently there are signs of bugs but fortunately I have not seen any.  

I had arranged to try the free delivery program from Walmart, and sure enough they were delivered on time right to my front door. Very handy.

And in the evening I attended my AlAnon Zoom meeting.

Thursday morning I managed both my nebulizer treatments and took some OTC cough medication, because MissS and Sis both came here to pick me up for the movie we'd planned to see, The Sheep Detectives.  We three were the only ones in the theater, until just before the previews started when 3 more people came in. The popcorn was yummy and addictive. 

The movie was not at all what I expected,  but I still enjoyed it. Good story, beautiful locations. Live action was so well done.

Back at home Sis left fairly soon, but MissS stayed for a few hours. We got rid of one entire pile, about 3 trips to the curb with the wheelbarrow loaded. 

Then we got into the pool at last!  I scrubbed it down and she added the liquid chlorine (when we were cooled off and out). Both of us had received a very small amount from the Facebook settlement related to the class action lawsuit, so she added that amount to my Amazon balance. 

Later that evening, much to my shock and surprise, I got a text from my third granddaughter, Layla. She is apparently heavily planning her future, researching colleges, currently into marine biology. She suggested she could come live with me while she attends Univ of S Florida in St Petersburg. She was so excited about this, and I was too! 

She is only 12, but I am so proud of her for thinking about it now. I had to point out sadly, that the college is on the Gulf side and I am on the Atlantic side, so commuting wouldn't be possible, but that she was more than welcome to visit or stay with me anytime. 

It was amazing to hear from her. I'd been sending cards and presents for years since moving here, but when I got no response, I backed off a couple of years ago.

And yet there it was, the text, the "seed" as my friend happily pointed out when I recounted this to her. My friend was delighted for me, and we reminded each other of the point of having Faith-- we don't know what will happen, but things are happening behind the scenes to work in our favor. 

Friday? I cannot remember anything! I know I didn't do any yard work except some weeding in the front, and watering the front plants, rinsing  out the trash can. I didn't feel like doing much.  

I think Friday was the day MissS learned she starts her new job tomorrow, Monday. She has a few days of in-home work training, and once that's done she'll know more of what is expected. I know she is anxious about this, but I think most people are anxious to start a new job, whatever it is. I know I was, and most of the co-workers I've ever met in my life start off anxious about the change.

Saturday I got to the meeting early enough that it was just B, the non hugger, whom I teasingly call Eddie. I was feeling low, worried about my sons, worried about what I could or should not do. B immediately discerned this, and again, gave me a big hug, and we sat and talked about the options. 

When C came in 15 minutes later, and then M, clearly needing to talk with B, I went and stood near where C was sitting. She kicked the empty chair out toward me and said, "Come, sit down". And then we talked, sharing concerns about our sons-- she has 4, all adults of course. We both got teary.

When more people came in, I saw K sitting with R in a completely different spot than usual. I went over, teasing him about the change in seating, but it literally does give one a new perspective. We talked some more about some other tools of the program to use to calm the hamster wheel in our heads. It was very helpful. 

For some reason my coughing was almost out of control. I hadn't had time to do the antibiotic inhaler and was planning on doing that one when I got home. But it was embarrassing to be the Cough-er. No one said anything of course, but I came this close to leaving the room. Eventually it calmed down. I was able to share at the beginning of the reading, and that set off a train of different thoughts. It's always a good meeting, and I am always so grateful.

After the meeting I stopped at Aldi's to pick up some fresh veggies, and some creamer and a few other things. After watching a few movies, I had an early dinner and then it started raining for about an hour, not heavily, but very welcome anyway.

When the rain stopped I went outside and power washed the pool deck-- it's so much easier when the rain has loosened the dirt enough to wash away. The pile that is left of the two trees is dried and crumpled, so hopefully this will be easier to clean up and bring to the curb.  And when that washing was done, I got in the pool which was 85 degrees!  It was wonderful and really helped my hip/leg thing.

Monday I have an appt with my PCP, and I have a list of things to discuss: the cholesterol level, the refills of the cholestyramine powder I use daily, I'm needing a prescription cough medication, referrals to a GI and a Derm. I am out of the med the GI prescribed and can not see her because she is not a contracted provider with my insurance. So either the doc takes over the refills, or she refers me to a different GI; I don't care which, or maybe I don't need the med anymore.

I have one more week, this coming week, of the antibiotic, and then it's two weeks off. 

Today is Flag Day, whatever that is, and it's also the Felon's birthday. Apparently bad weather is expected up in DC, which hopefully will ruin the gigantic cage he's had erected on that beautiful lawn, to manage the fights he wants to see. Sickening. Well, I won't get into politics here.

I guess that's it. My hip/leg thing is slowly improving, and I rarely need to take the pain pill; instead I am using the gummies. I don't know what will happen later in the year when the rules change, but maybe I won't need them by then.

TYG