Sunday

Good grief. What a long period of time has gone by since writing. Lots going on.

Today, right now, we are finally just sitting, after having walked, and done grocery shopping, and then weeded, and done laundry. Also we began the process of freezing the produce coming from the garden. (Which means endless chopping into either one-inch chunks, or 1/2 inch slices of whatever we are working on: today it's squash and cauliflower. Neither of us has ever done this before. It took 45 minutes for the 3 gallons of water needed to come to a boil. Then 6 cups of veggies sits in the boiling water for 3 minutes, and then is immediately tossed into a cold bath to stop the cooking, and then drained and bagged. We began this at around 2pm. It's now after 3... Rinse and repeat. We did this 4 times. As I'm writing, J is finishing the last batch, and it's almost 4.)

Last Friday, a week ago Friday, J lost the checkbook somehow. It has not turned up. I have the debit card for that account, but he isn't comfortable with debit cards, and so he writes checks. Somewhere in his errands the checkbook disappeared. Fortunately we didn't have anything in there except a brand new batch of checks, and the register. So after having a horrible attack of self-loathing and frustration, he did the only thing possible, which was to go to the bank and shut down that account, and open a new one...blah blah blah. It was embarrassing for him. But the bank people were very nice, and helpful, and it's all okay.

 It happens to be a credit union, not a bank, and it's the CU where my paycheck is automatically deposited every two weeks. This was a payday, and of course the deposit got screwed up...so the weekend was a bust. Couldn't do errands, couldn't pay bills, couldn't really do anything; well, we did actually, but it meant going to the ATM and removing actual cash to do our things. Then remembering to replace the savings before paying the bills...and there was some confusion still on Monday with the deposit not having been corrected, and J had to go to the CU again, and LORD it was frustrating. It did all work out eventually.

Monday I'd somehow managed to hurt my back during the day, and by the time I got home I was so ready to lie down; J had scheduled massages for us both as a gift to himself. Mal's daughter Heron is an LMT, so she came over, had dinner with us, and then we each got a nice long massage. It really helped.

On Tuesday, there was a bit of bad mood tension going on at work, and SF and I both felt something was up; sure enough RN told me "DrSKwants a team meeting after work today", and I immediately felt my insides clench. We haven't had one in several months.

Tuesday was also J's 75th birthday; his son and the son's gf and my daughter were coming for dinner. I sure did not want to be stressed over this, but I was.

Now, hearing we'd be having a meeting was stressing me even more. But at 11, RN suddenly suggested I go to lunch so that I would be "ready for the meeting", which had apparently been changed to a lunchtime meeting. So at 12:30 or so, we all met in the conference room. DrSK talked for some time about the upcoming move (acting as if we all knew all about it) and reiterated that it was no big deal; but that there was some stress due to the building plans having to be approved by certain committees, etc. So it appears this won't be happening anytime soon, but he seemed to be assuming that we were all going. Hmm.

Then to the real purpose of the meeting: he began in a roundabout way, and said he wasn't even sure that this was a "PC" topic to talk about but that he was going to do so anyway.  Turns out he was wanting to share his religion with us!  Seriously. He was talking about how as he got older his family was becoming more important to him, and while he knew that his family (wife and kids and relatives) would be with him on the other side, "the Veil" as he called it, we were the ones he spent the most time with. He called us his work family, and he wanted to let us know that he felt close to each of us and if we wanted information on his Church and his beliefs, he'd be happy to share this with us, in hopes that we would all be a closely knit group. That he hoped we could and would feel free to share our spiritual beliefs, and that he wasn't trying to convert anyone to his Mormon beliefs, but he wanted to share the love.

It was so interesting, so unexpected. I wasn't sure what to say. After he was done with his part of the speech, he said genially, "That's all! I just felt moved to share my values and hope we can all build a closer relationship together." He was smiling gently, and looking at each of us in turn, and I was trying to keep a respectful face. Not sure what to say.  I was sitting next to the PA on one side of DrSK and RN and SF were sitting on the other side.  SF immediately piped up thanking him for sharing his beliefs and his willingness to be so vulnerable and open. RN said, "Well, you and I talk about this stuff all the  time anyway..."  And the PA and I just said "Thank you! I appreciate your candor..."separately. What else do you say?? 

We all worked together just fine, for the rest of the day. Everyone seemed happier. I know I was more relieved than anything else.  I was dying to talk to the PA about this, but so far we have not.

J's birthday was fine also. He's been talking about  wanting a top hat for all the time I've known him, more than 6 years now, so I finally ordered one for him. I was so excited to be able to give it to him for this big milestone birthday!  I had to carefully measure his head weeks before this without him knowing of course, so I'd order the right size.  When he finally took it out of the box and put it on his head, it was too big. Oh, that upset me; I'd gone to a lot of trouble to do this  unobtrusively, and followed the site's instructions so carefully. Rats! So that's now been returned/exchanged for a smaller size.But he was so happy-- so excited. I know this made him happy.

The dinner was great. He loves my stew, and had specially requested it, so I prepared it all the previous Sunday afternoon . All he had to do Tuesday afternoon was toss it all together and let it simmer. S and I had gone shopping for a new wallet for him, which she gave him, and then she also ended up bringing a particular movie he loves, called "Wall-E". His son went with him after dinner to pick out some ice cream, and we all just talked, and took some photos.

Later after Z and A left, S and I walked in the cool evening. We saw a bobcat, which caused great excitement. I last saw one when my son was staying with us a few years ago, and haven't seen one since. This was a big deal.

The next day J drove up to P'land to have lunch with his daughter who had driven down from the TriCities area for an interview with the Tiffany's branch in P'land. She apparently did very well, and has a second interview tomorrow. J will be very happy if she ends up moving closer, up to P'land.

And that night despite the ongoing heat here, I met my friend and we walked my regular loop, getting back home just before 8.

Thursday I did my usual work day, and then WW afterwards, discovering I've lost another entire pound. This brings me to within one pound of my goal weight. Once I've remained at my goal weight or below for 6 weeks, I become a Lifetime member, and don't have to pay for any more meetings unless I go above my goal weight. Meanwhile I can keep attending meetings and weighing in, and keep on losing.

Friday I had more back pain, so I actually ended up going to bed fairly early. While I was sitting out on the deck before giving up, I did see a raccoon wandering along the bank of our creek. That was cool. I know they are out there, but I rarely get to see them.

Yesterday I skipped my morning meeting, and J and I walked a long way before it got too hot. Same for this morning.

This afternoon my dear friend Jennie called. She is planning on visiting her family in LA in August, and she and her bf are then driving up along the coast and to P'land for their flight back. She will spend the day with us the day before she leaves, so we had to coordinate dates and times.  I will need to request that day off.  This will be after my daughter leaves. It will be good to have something to take my mind off my daughter leaving.

I think that brings me up to date here...

I cannot believe how quickly this year is going by.

Thursday

I met with my manager this morning, having actually made an appointment with her to talk about things. I learned stuff (which is the whole idea) and I'm feeling better.

Turns out my PA is well-known for being moody. In fact, that is why he is no longer working with one of the other surgeons here, where he was originally hired 2 years ago; that doc decided my PA was too moody and prickly  to work with, and  instead he now has a wonderful responsible, cheerful, knowledgeable young woman who works with him.  My PA was then moved/reassigned to DrSK, and apparently moodiness isn't an issue with him. My PA goes along with whatever DrSK wants, and appears eager to accommodate whenever he can. On the face of things, my PA is easy going. In reality, he is a grumbler behind the scenes, and yet he doesn't want to actually change things for the better. He prefers to vent to me, and then insist "it's all good, it is what it is", while shrugging.

My manager reassured me it's definitely not me. That I should not take this personally, and that I should let her know if his moodiness is increasing, or if he is not responsive to my talking to him. Phew.

Also, this upcoming move to another site (by DrSK and "his staff") hasn't been talked about or officially discussed because--- surprise--- there are no concrete plans yet. DrSK has told the CEO that he plans to work halftime at the new location and halftime here---but the CEO has told my manager and DrSK this idea won't work, and they are now waiting for DrSK to suggest an alternate arrangement. Which hasn't happened.  So.  Interesting. My manager assures me that  I will have a job, because they will be recruiting for another physician or two, or three, and that I will definitely fit in.

(Whether I want to fit in is another matter. I don't know yet what will happen, but I do know I am  a valued employee.)

I also talked with her about what will happen when one of the MAs goes on maternity leave later this year, and learned that L, my lead MA, hasn't exactly been forthcoming. Apparently if no float MA is hired, each of the rest of us will have to "find a way" to cover this position. Huh.

I do not know how this will work. I have patients every day, and so does the MA who will be on leave. All the other MAs work for surgeons, who see patients only 2 days each week, being in surgery the other two days. Theoretically that leaves them "free" to cover for Jenn (the other MA), but in reality, each of them has a heavy workload themselves. So how this will work I do not know. It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

I feel both reassured of my standing and my position here, and frustrated at how the place is handling change and transition.

The move won't be happening until next October at the earliest, so there's plenty of time. I have positively decided I do not want to move with DrSK even if I were asked. Too much BS.

This coming October I am eligible to take another position within the hospital's  system if I want to...but I don't know if I do. Wouldn't I just be asking for yet another transition period, learning a new job entirely? Possibly with even more stress? Out of the frying pan and into the fire, or do I take a chance.

Well. Lots to consider. Plenty of time. Not enough information yet to make a decision.

In the meantime I started walking with a friend Tuesday nights; we are doing the Steps in AlAnon despite the fact that I did them just a year ago with another friend. Last time I had no job, and my mother had just died. This time I do have a job which is very stressful at times, and I'm pretty much adjusted to having gone through that death. The estate is settled, there's no more happening there, and yet there are always stressors.

Walking with this friend is something I'm looking forward to. I was pretty darn depressed on Tuesday night, and she was able to provide some perspective, and a few other ways to look at what I was going through. It was good for both of us.

Tomorrow morning I work with DrC, just for a couple of hours til Jenn gets back from her OB appointment. Then it's back to my PA. In the meantime, SF will have been working with my PA. I'm so glad it's Friday tomorrow.  I really need a weekend.

Sunday

Long week. J's daughter is a loud, brassy, quick-retorted overflowing person. Exactly the kind of person I have a tough time with. But thankfully by the time I got home each day after work, she was either napping, or out on the deck reading. Dinners were spent as we normally do, watching the news. After dinner I would clean up and then check my computer for email and facebook as usual, leaving B and J to do father-daughter time together.

The first day she was here, Saturday, was spent with my daughter, and J's younger son, and that went well, having a lovely afternoon on the deck in the sun, talking and getting reacquainted. The next day she slept, most of the day. J also took a long nap that day, and it was a quiet day after making sure we did our walks in the cool mornings.

The rest of the week was routine. Monday J took her to the coast. He was wonderfully patient with her, as usual. On Wednesday evening J's youngest son and his gf came to dinner, and they were here til 9.  Earlier that day J and Z and B had driven up to Multnomah Falls to meet V, and they had brunch and walked around with all the other sightseers. The other two days were spent  here working around the house, and B slept a lot, or was checking her phone for emails and facebook.

J's and my  5 year anniversary was Friday; we celebrated with dinner out, and a deep heartfelt gratitude for whatever brought us together. I hope we have many more.

Meanwhile my work week was much better. For some reason PAD was in a better mood, and we worked well. It helped that my manager was gone all week on vacation; the whole place was much more relaxed. (I did blunder though: PAD's birthday was on the weekend and I should have remembered and organized a cake or card or something....instead, SF did. Sigh.)

However the long week did come to an end at last; J took Brenda  up to the airport on Friday morning.  Even though her flight left at 1130, she didn't get home to Detroit's airport til after midnight. Sure there are some time changes, but good grief...

S drove up to WA on Thursday, and stayed two nights with Moya. She stopped here late yesterday afternoon for dinner and decompression on her way home. She has a new vision of Alan and Debbie: turns out they were the ones who helped themselves to mom's heaters, the ones that mysteriously were "stolen".
Also turns out that Alan sold trees from mom's property, and is claiming he made $4000 doing this.
Also it seems pretty positive once again that he and Debbie have the aquamarine necklace...Debbie made a point of telling S that the necklace was stolen by (K, yet another person) "months ago". Clearly she doesn't know that I saw the necklace just a few weeks before I went up there for the last time. Why would she tell S this unless she had it herself?

Well, as  I continually tell myself, what's done is done. I cannot do anything about it. All of this is based on hearsay, unfortunately, and even if I "knew" for sure, I can't do anything. I can choose to focus on how evil they are, or I can remember they were the only friends mom had up there who were there with her daily, and consider the necklace a gross overpayment. It's gone.

Temp today was 91. I know the temps are going to be steadily in the 80s and 90s the next several weeks; July, August, and September are typically the hottest and sunniest months here, with almost no rain. Days are hot, but nights cool off quite a bit. Phew!

We live in such a beautiful place, such a quiet and peaceful location. The creek is a subtle soundtrack, the deer wander by daily,  the chickens are happily foraging the yard once again. J has beefed up the garden's fence, and he is collecting zukes, squashes, tomatoes. Carrots, lettuces, asparagus, onions, cauliflowers, and corn, potatoes and sunflowers are coming along. For some reason none of my marigolds came up, and none of my dahlias. The roses, the wave petunias, and the other flowers are all flourishing, and the chickens are not touching them. The chickens are giving practically no eggs, so we actually had to buy a dozen this morning. The taste difference was obvious, not to mention the color.

  J is going to find a new home for the Roo, unfortunately: he is so rough with the ladies. I can't believe these Lavender Orpingtons are so highly prized, so expensive: they are stunningly beautiful, yes, but the roo is a mean one.  And I think we will be looking for a few more hens. Our ladies are just not producing enough eggs.

I love these long weekend summer afternoons. I hear the sparrows chirping away, and the robins trilling every morning. The doves are the most skittish birds ever. But lots of summer sounds are so comforting.

I'm so blessed.

Friday

This, although a short work week, was a tough week. For some reason my PA was touchier than usual after his week away, and moodier, and difficult to get along with. He has a way of sighing, or grimacing, or looking at me with a certain expression, or out-and-out asking me directly "why did you..." or "why didn't you..." whatever it was.

Some days, some weeks, I feel I am doing just fine, and I feel confident, capable and like I am a worthwhile employee. Other weeks, like this one, I feel constantly undermined, or that I'm missing something. I can never tell if it's just me, or if the PA has a legitimate complaint/issue. Some areas I am still learning (for instance all the braces and DME--there are so many different types, and they go by multiple names). PAD will ask for a "lateral J brace", I will bring one, and it's wrong. Or I've chosen the wrong size.

Mind you, I've never been trained on this stuff, so part of it is not my fault. I
am supposed to somehow pick up this knowledge by osmosis (or by the instances where he will ask for a particular type and then briefly as we are hurrying down the hall tell me a bit about it). But I don't have time to write this down and learn it, so the next time he asks for something, I  will have to ask him to clarify. Those are the times of a small sigh, or a brief "Come on, I'll show you" after he had just indicated he was going into the next room. That means we are running late, once again.

Part of it is the schedule itself. He really believes he can do certain visits in 15 minutes, when he really doesn't. However, the schedule is booked for either 15 or 30 minutes, and if two are back to back, we are already behind. That happens a lot. He will make nasty comments on how stupid the receptionists or schedulers are when this happens, but when I ask if he wants the template adjusted, he says "no, no, it's fine".  He'll wave his hand off, and tighten his mouth, and then I know to walk away. Passive aggressive, anyone?

Well, it's over. Thankfully I had just the three days of work. Yesterday was a day of low energy and a day to recover for both of us. Both of us are exhausted emotionally. We got some chores done, and did a walk, and rented a movie for the evening. Today is more chores--mowing, cleaning, prepping the bedroom upstairs-- and later today J drives to P'land to pick up Brenda from the airport.

I think I've just burnt out on this job, and am just putting in my time til whatever happens to change the situation. I'm not eligible to move to a different job until after October,  and worse, I'm not sure it'd be better anywhere else.  I have to log in and out of my computer dozens of times throughout the day, and Wednesday we had so many people on the schedule that at one point instead of typing emitchel, I typed emiserable. Then I looked at what I'd done. Hmmm.  Talk about a Freudian slip.

As I was waking up this morning and checking email and news, I was on the DB news online in the town where my sister lives. I happened to see Real Estate as a tab and although I haven't allowed myself to  thought to check this for several months now, I couldn't resist.  Once again I was astonished at the low housing prices, and once again I found myself planning out how to do  this move. It is irresistible: putting in the parameters of 2bd2bath under 100K, and then sorting the list both by low-to-high order and sq footage. It's just mind boggling how much appears available and do-able.  I want to fly out and grab a place, and then rent it out til I can move.

But then I remind myself I do have a plan I have to go by, and it's not time yet, and I don't want to do anything hasty, and I really need to do this in order (have a down payment ready, and spend a week there searching and making sure it's possible to do this and that we can afford to).

A lot of this is pure escapism. I am so excited about this move---but it's going to be awhile before it actually happens.  I don't want to wait and plan and be sensible and practical. I want to just do it.

Well. Tomorrow Brenda, my daughter and J's youngest son Z will all be here for dinner. It should be fun, and I wish I could think of it that way, rather than of the energy it will take to get through it. I wish I were not so depressed, if that's what it is. I really do want to be happier in this life. I need to just stop allowing myself to sink into the swamp, and fight it.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for, and I know that.