Happy Thanksgiving! It's a good day. We had the big meal last night, and played Monopoly afterwards. V's friend T won, and I was a very close second, although we never got even to buying any houses. We all talked and joked and laughed and the Family members shared stories. It was fun, better than I expected it to be. (I always do that--dread the event, but it always does turn out better. Maybe someday I will learn to not dread, and instead maybe even look forward to it. What a concept.)
Work was stressful, but manageable. Enough said there.
Today I'm walking the long walk around the park, and then doing the cooking. J did all the cooking for last night's gathering, so I get to do the turkey and stuffing. Why on earth I chose a whole turkey instead of a simple breast I don't know--but I do love having leftovers.
J's cousin Lydia who lives just outside NYC with her husband is suddenly facing the worst crisis possible: her husband is heavily sedated while the doctors figure out what if anything they can do for him. He is hemorraghing (sp?) from a clot in his lungs. They have suggested pneumonia, bronchitis, cancer. But he has severe Parkinson's first of all, and so there might not be anything more to do, except let him go.
J is the closest relative she has, so he has been on the phone with her quite a lot as this is progressing. If he needs to go there he will, of course; R did not want heroic measures taken, and he reiterated this to Lydia on their way to what will probably turn out to be the last trip to the hospital, two days ago. It's okay, he said; I'll be at peace.
So sad.
My daughter, on the other side of the spectrum, was able to have a true Thanksgiving meal after all. A total stranger (who became a friend) invited her to their American celebration just because she is one of the teachers. They had all the traditional foods, and S said she ate a ton, but missed my deviled eggs! How sweet...I'm not going to make them today, though; we'll wait for Christmas.
Sadness mixed with joy. Family and dear friends.
Another friend is grateful because her heroin-addicted son has just yesterday been sentenced to 5-8 years in prison, in a state far away from her. She's grateful because he will be free from the drug, and many addicts do find recovery while imprisoned. Her other son is also addicted, and has been homeless for many years. I wrote her and told her I could relate: Families of addicts are especially tortured and touched by these traditional holiday celebrations, as our own holidays have generally been pure chaos and scenes of despair. Hard to move beyond that, and consciously plan different ways to observe the holiday, whichever one it is. Learning that it doesn't *have* to be painful is a lifelong lesson for me.
Today I am grateful for my sons, wherever they are, whatever they are doing. I hope they call.
I'm grateful for my daughter, experiencing so much of others' lifestyles.
I'm grateful for my husband, my rock, my serenity.
I'm grateful for my bonus family and the upcoming generations.
I'm grateful for a job, a car, a home full of comfort. love, and peace.
I'm grateful for friends, my animals, my health.
I'm grateful for my birth family--sister, brother, father, cousins, and all their loved ones.
I'm eternally grateful for music, for books, for the beauty of my nearby outdoors.
I'm very grateful to AlAnon for providing me with the ability to feel hope, and to share and learn other perspectives.
I have much to be grateful for.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday
I just couldn't find the combination of mental energy and time to write yesterday. First of all it is freakin COLD, and unless I am right in front of the stove, I am not warm enough anywhere. I'm wearing layers, and thick slippers, and sometimes am even sitting under a blanket. And the extra heaters are on in strategic locations. It is COLD: 20degrees this morning. 22 yesterday morning.
Yesterday we did our walk and Saturday I walked alone after my meeting. Of course the church's heating system failed, so the rooms were not heated. The Janitor found us a room with fewer windows, and carpeting on the floor in the basement for our meeting, and we huddled in a circle wearing coats and scarves. No one went away due to the lack of heat. But we sure didn't linger afterwards either!
After the meeting and the walk, the mail had come with my paycheck and a generous check from my dad--stunning. Made us both feel very humbled. We deposited it all in the bank, and did grocery shopping, and paid the bills. Found a motion detector light for the back deck which we've wanted for a long time, and a light I can use as a reading light at night in bed. We cleaned house, and dusted, and rearranged the living room again.
Sunday after catching up with morning chores we grabbed the dog and took him to the low-cost vaccination clinic at Petco. We were in line along with probably 25 other people and their pets, so it took about an hour and a half to get all the animals processed. But now Murphy's rabies vax is up to date again, and we can send in the county fee of $20 for two years.
We also planned our menus. V and her friend , and Z and his gf are coming for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night, so we'll do our celebrating then. The actual holiday it'll just be me and J. J will do the cooking and prep for Wednesday because I have to work, and then I'll do the cooking on Thursday.
This four days off we also will paint the kitchen ceiling and one of the walls, and hopefully find some cupboards to install. I've gotten used to the open shelving look, but it seems J has always wanted actual cupboards. So he'll be going to Habitat and looking for something suitable.
I also want to find the Christmas decorations and put the lights up at least. For some reason I'm feeling happier about Christmas; it's not seeming to be such a dreaded time.
My daughter comes home on Dec 13, and maybe that's why I'm feeling the holiday more. I actually bought a swag of firs and juniper berries which were offered at work this week. J put it up on the front door, and it's looking quite holiday-ish.
Also this week, J was lucky enough to capture on film and video a pair of deer who decided to wander up and down the creek. One curled up on the bank in the sun, and lay there quite content for several hours. Wish I'd been home to see it, but J took lots of photos, and seeing the videos really helped.
Grateful this is a short week, only three days.
Yesterday we did our walk and Saturday I walked alone after my meeting. Of course the church's heating system failed, so the rooms were not heated. The Janitor found us a room with fewer windows, and carpeting on the floor in the basement for our meeting, and we huddled in a circle wearing coats and scarves. No one went away due to the lack of heat. But we sure didn't linger afterwards either!
After the meeting and the walk, the mail had come with my paycheck and a generous check from my dad--stunning. Made us both feel very humbled. We deposited it all in the bank, and did grocery shopping, and paid the bills. Found a motion detector light for the back deck which we've wanted for a long time, and a light I can use as a reading light at night in bed. We cleaned house, and dusted, and rearranged the living room again.
Sunday after catching up with morning chores we grabbed the dog and took him to the low-cost vaccination clinic at Petco. We were in line along with probably 25 other people and their pets, so it took about an hour and a half to get all the animals processed. But now Murphy's rabies vax is up to date again, and we can send in the county fee of $20 for two years.
We also planned our menus. V and her friend , and Z and his gf are coming for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night, so we'll do our celebrating then. The actual holiday it'll just be me and J. J will do the cooking and prep for Wednesday because I have to work, and then I'll do the cooking on Thursday.
This four days off we also will paint the kitchen ceiling and one of the walls, and hopefully find some cupboards to install. I've gotten used to the open shelving look, but it seems J has always wanted actual cupboards. So he'll be going to Habitat and looking for something suitable.
I also want to find the Christmas decorations and put the lights up at least. For some reason I'm feeling happier about Christmas; it's not seeming to be such a dreaded time.
My daughter comes home on Dec 13, and maybe that's why I'm feeling the holiday more. I actually bought a swag of firs and juniper berries which were offered at work this week. J put it up on the front door, and it's looking quite holiday-ish.
Also this week, J was lucky enough to capture on film and video a pair of deer who decided to wander up and down the creek. One curled up on the bank in the sun, and lay there quite content for several hours. Wish I'd been home to see it, but J took lots of photos, and seeing the videos really helped.
Grateful this is a short week, only three days.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Sunday
I'm sitting here finishing breakfast. I got up to look out the window and count off the chicks, as J and I take turns doing throughout the day. (Just making sure they're all there.) Suddenly a handful of little white feathers go drifting past the window, not 10 feet in front of me. I look up and see --- nothing. No hawks, no dead birds. Just like that, silently, a bird has been grabbed.
Last weekend the oddest thing happened. I put pictures up on facebook because I was amazed at the boldness of this: a possum killed a bird, climbed our chicken pen's wire fencing, crawled into the chicks' coop, and ate his bird. Then he curled up on the electric warming mat that's under the hay, and went to sleep after covering himself with a lot of the hay.
J went out there to clean up the coop later in the day and was quite astonished when he lifted the lid of the coop, and saw the little possum curled up. He came in the house, grabbed his work gloves, asked me to come and bring the camera, and when I followed him out there and peered in, I about fell over. The possum was sound asleep. I thought it was dead. But then I looked more closely and saw his fur rising and falling. I took some photos. J reached in and grabbed it by the tail, lifting it up. It didn't move. It hung there quite still while I took more photos. Guess it's true about their playing dead.
The little chicks and the big hens were milling about, cheeping madly. They were quite upset over the intruder. J finally took it out of the pen and instead of killing it (he is quite sure it's the same one which he discovered a few weeks ago actually in the box we keep our cat and dog food in and tried to kill---that's another funny story) he tossed it completely across the creek. It landed with a thud, and promptly scrambled up and disappeared into the root system of an old maple which overhangs the opposite bank. I hope it stays on that side.
But the nerve!! We know he took a dead bird in there because there was a pile of feathers all around him, and two giant poops...we cleaned it all out, and put fresh hay and food and water in there.
That night the baby chicks refused to enter their coop. Instead they all managed the hopping, jumping, and climbing required to get into the big girls' coop; they huddled in the corner away from the big girls who of course use the roosts. The babies have not used their coop since. That possum spooked them that badly. So J just gave up, and moved the feed and straw bale into that coop, and now the set-up makes more sense. It's under cover from the weather, and more convenient.
Now we have to figure out what to do with the even larger container which is outside the pen, which formerly held the feed and straw. It's monstrously heavy and awkward. Hmm.
Also last week was my cubemate's last day; I will surely miss him. I got a crash course again in how his doctor's practice runs, because I'm one of the MAs who will be covering his clinic days.
J had his first meeting with that doctor because he is the one who'll be doing the knee replacement surgery. Won't be til January, but the process is set in place now. J was given a couple of packets of information on what to expect and things he has to do in preparation. He's very anxious, but it has to be done. He can't walk with me, he is much more limited in what he can do around the house and in the length of time he can do anything. He is incredibly frustrated by this.
The Dr I work indirectly for sent out an email to the staff on Friday inviting each of us to come into his office and look over some material he had laid out on his desk. I was too busy, but throughout the morning people would do that, and then come by my desk and ask if I'd seen it; when I responded I hadn't had time, they would shake their heads or roll their eyes and just tell me to go look. Finally I did have time. It turned out to be a pile of religious pamphlets and a formal statement from him, indicating that he is deeply concerned with our spiritual lives, and that he wants us to come and talk to him if we have any questions about *his* religion. There was more, but that was the gist of it. It happens to be a controversial religion, one that more than half the staff already are members of anyway. He is a bigwig in this church, and while I think he meant well, I don't think this was appropriate.
However, he is the boss. No one is going to tell him he can't do that. One of my coworkers was just shocked at this, and posed a question on her facebook asking for feedback on this event, and it sparked a lot of comments and discussion. Interestingly, although many of us coworkers are friends on facebook, not one other coworker commented on her post (except me). I don't know if it's because of the religious aspect, or because they are members of that church, or because they are worried someone will tell this doctor about the comments, or what.
I don't care; this dr already spoke to "his team" about this a few months ago and I wrote about it here. I'm respectful of others' views, and I think he is motivated by deep concern. I do believe that's genuine. It's not a religion I am remotely interested in, but it has a big following here in this town. It'd be stupid and shortsighted to ignore the influence he has both spiritually and politically, and the fact that he is a bigwig in the sports world here at the university also is a major factor.
So, interesting.
In other news, I think my daughter is coming home on Dec 13. That is now a new transportation date. When she arrives here is unknown, although that is a Friday, making it much easier to go get her without having to take time off work. (DAMN it, I wish it weren't such a big deal to consider the impact it makes on the entire staff when one has to miss work for whatever reason.)
There's more. Some of the things I was so concerned about during the week affected me so deeply at the time:
Money.
My son, and his 2nd babymama's serving him with child support papers, and his deepening sense of despair. I'm very concerned about him.
Mayme-- knowing she is finally gone is at once a relief for her sake, and a reminder of the grief of that loss.
Money: unexpected expenses such as the loose diamond repair-- costing well over $200 instead of the $38 my stepdaughter said it would be.
Work issues other than my cubemate leaving.
Adjusting to the new bedroom set up where I'm on the right side instead of the left.
The damn nocturnal leg cramps, and possible treatments.
The fat books in the series I'm reading which finally arrived. Actually, that is pure joy, and one I don't get to indulge in except for 20-30 minutes or so each night before I cannot stay awake any longer.
The online re-enrollment process of my company's insurance and other benefits, with the daily reminders of having to finish this process by Friday at 5.
My brother moving to MA, leaving FL. Leaving my sister there. He has excellent reasons, of course, but I know deeply the toll it will take on my sister.
My frustration over not being able to just drop everything and move to FL myself, and the awareness of everything that the process will require in preparation. Overwhelming. But something I have to do.
Money: unexpected expenses we are facing including the monthly cost of J's life insurance premium quadrupling as of Jan 1. Yes, we have the option of dropping it, but for J to leave me any kind of benefit upon his death whenever that is we will have to continue with this company; but because of the magic number of his age being 75, that somehow is a BigDeal.
Well, I am tired of venting. This does me so much good, and I hope it doesn't sound like complaining. I'm not complaining, just airing my concerns instead of keeping it all inside. I talk about this with J, and with a few other trusted friends. That all helps as well. But my brain just never shuts up.
The "committee in my head is filled with alcoholics" for sure; thank god for AlAnon. Yesterday's meeting was led by a newcomer who I can't help but find intensely annoying. I know she is still learning, and I can't figure out why she irritates me so. After the meeting when I'd shared on WAIT (Why Am I Talking?), and FEAR (F-Everything And Run vs Face Everything And Relax), she came up to me and thanked me for sharing, saying that those acronyms were going to be very helpful to her. Sigh. I know she means well. I do need to work on myself as to why she is like those fingernails on a blackboard for me.
I'm going to stop now. Maybe I will try to write more during the week, instead of saving it all til Sundays.
Last weekend the oddest thing happened. I put pictures up on facebook because I was amazed at the boldness of this: a possum killed a bird, climbed our chicken pen's wire fencing, crawled into the chicks' coop, and ate his bird. Then he curled up on the electric warming mat that's under the hay, and went to sleep after covering himself with a lot of the hay.
J went out there to clean up the coop later in the day and was quite astonished when he lifted the lid of the coop, and saw the little possum curled up. He came in the house, grabbed his work gloves, asked me to come and bring the camera, and when I followed him out there and peered in, I about fell over. The possum was sound asleep. I thought it was dead. But then I looked more closely and saw his fur rising and falling. I took some photos. J reached in and grabbed it by the tail, lifting it up. It didn't move. It hung there quite still while I took more photos. Guess it's true about their playing dead.
The little chicks and the big hens were milling about, cheeping madly. They were quite upset over the intruder. J finally took it out of the pen and instead of killing it (he is quite sure it's the same one which he discovered a few weeks ago actually in the box we keep our cat and dog food in and tried to kill---that's another funny story) he tossed it completely across the creek. It landed with a thud, and promptly scrambled up and disappeared into the root system of an old maple which overhangs the opposite bank. I hope it stays on that side.
But the nerve!! We know he took a dead bird in there because there was a pile of feathers all around him, and two giant poops...we cleaned it all out, and put fresh hay and food and water in there.
That night the baby chicks refused to enter their coop. Instead they all managed the hopping, jumping, and climbing required to get into the big girls' coop; they huddled in the corner away from the big girls who of course use the roosts. The babies have not used their coop since. That possum spooked them that badly. So J just gave up, and moved the feed and straw bale into that coop, and now the set-up makes more sense. It's under cover from the weather, and more convenient.
Now we have to figure out what to do with the even larger container which is outside the pen, which formerly held the feed and straw. It's monstrously heavy and awkward. Hmm.
Also last week was my cubemate's last day; I will surely miss him. I got a crash course again in how his doctor's practice runs, because I'm one of the MAs who will be covering his clinic days.
J had his first meeting with that doctor because he is the one who'll be doing the knee replacement surgery. Won't be til January, but the process is set in place now. J was given a couple of packets of information on what to expect and things he has to do in preparation. He's very anxious, but it has to be done. He can't walk with me, he is much more limited in what he can do around the house and in the length of time he can do anything. He is incredibly frustrated by this.
The Dr I work indirectly for sent out an email to the staff on Friday inviting each of us to come into his office and look over some material he had laid out on his desk. I was too busy, but throughout the morning people would do that, and then come by my desk and ask if I'd seen it; when I responded I hadn't had time, they would shake their heads or roll their eyes and just tell me to go look. Finally I did have time. It turned out to be a pile of religious pamphlets and a formal statement from him, indicating that he is deeply concerned with our spiritual lives, and that he wants us to come and talk to him if we have any questions about *his* religion. There was more, but that was the gist of it. It happens to be a controversial religion, one that more than half the staff already are members of anyway. He is a bigwig in this church, and while I think he meant well, I don't think this was appropriate.
However, he is the boss. No one is going to tell him he can't do that. One of my coworkers was just shocked at this, and posed a question on her facebook asking for feedback on this event, and it sparked a lot of comments and discussion. Interestingly, although many of us coworkers are friends on facebook, not one other coworker commented on her post (except me). I don't know if it's because of the religious aspect, or because they are members of that church, or because they are worried someone will tell this doctor about the comments, or what.
I don't care; this dr already spoke to "his team" about this a few months ago and I wrote about it here. I'm respectful of others' views, and I think he is motivated by deep concern. I do believe that's genuine. It's not a religion I am remotely interested in, but it has a big following here in this town. It'd be stupid and shortsighted to ignore the influence he has both spiritually and politically, and the fact that he is a bigwig in the sports world here at the university also is a major factor.
So, interesting.
In other news, I think my daughter is coming home on Dec 13. That is now a new transportation date. When she arrives here is unknown, although that is a Friday, making it much easier to go get her without having to take time off work. (DAMN it, I wish it weren't such a big deal to consider the impact it makes on the entire staff when one has to miss work for whatever reason.)
There's more. Some of the things I was so concerned about during the week affected me so deeply at the time:
Money.
My son, and his 2nd babymama's serving him with child support papers, and his deepening sense of despair. I'm very concerned about him.
Mayme-- knowing she is finally gone is at once a relief for her sake, and a reminder of the grief of that loss.
Money: unexpected expenses such as the loose diamond repair-- costing well over $200 instead of the $38 my stepdaughter said it would be.
Work issues other than my cubemate leaving.
Adjusting to the new bedroom set up where I'm on the right side instead of the left.
The damn nocturnal leg cramps, and possible treatments.
The fat books in the series I'm reading which finally arrived. Actually, that is pure joy, and one I don't get to indulge in except for 20-30 minutes or so each night before I cannot stay awake any longer.
The online re-enrollment process of my company's insurance and other benefits, with the daily reminders of having to finish this process by Friday at 5.
My brother moving to MA, leaving FL. Leaving my sister there. He has excellent reasons, of course, but I know deeply the toll it will take on my sister.
My frustration over not being able to just drop everything and move to FL myself, and the awareness of everything that the process will require in preparation. Overwhelming. But something I have to do.
Money: unexpected expenses we are facing including the monthly cost of J's life insurance premium quadrupling as of Jan 1. Yes, we have the option of dropping it, but for J to leave me any kind of benefit upon his death whenever that is we will have to continue with this company; but because of the magic number of his age being 75, that somehow is a BigDeal.
Well, I am tired of venting. This does me so much good, and I hope it doesn't sound like complaining. I'm not complaining, just airing my concerns instead of keeping it all inside. I talk about this with J, and with a few other trusted friends. That all helps as well. But my brain just never shuts up.
The "committee in my head is filled with alcoholics" for sure; thank god for AlAnon. Yesterday's meeting was led by a newcomer who I can't help but find intensely annoying. I know she is still learning, and I can't figure out why she irritates me so. After the meeting when I'd shared on WAIT (Why Am I Talking?), and FEAR (F-Everything And Run vs Face Everything And Relax), she came up to me and thanked me for sharing, saying that those acronyms were going to be very helpful to her. Sigh. I know she means well. I do need to work on myself as to why she is like those fingernails on a blackboard for me.
I'm going to stop now. Maybe I will try to write more during the week, instead of saving it all til Sundays.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Sunday
Tough day yesterday. Actually it was a good day except for a specific incident. I went to my morning meeting as usual, and those are always good. Spoke with a couple of people afterwards, also good.
My paycheck now arrives in the mail on Saturdays, and so far I've been able to deposit in our credit union before 2pm, therefore we have access to it (to be able to go grocery shopping or do whatever errands we can on the weekends).
However, yesterday J made plans to meet up with his daughter down in Eugene for the time before the Celebration of Life at 3. Therefore we couldn't wait for the mail. Therefore I won't have access to any money until Tuesday. (Monday is a holiday.)
That really upset theOCD obsessive organized person in me who wanted to get the bills paid and errands done before I return to work. Argggh. Okay, not a huge deal, but normally J checks with me before he does make plans. This time he did, but didn't realize quite how much I really wanted to get to the bank at the very least. (Or I didn't make it loud and clear? I don't know. I don't know how much of this is my stuff and how much is his stuff.)
Yes, we had a good time with her, but that wasn't the point. The point is that unless we now take money out of savings (to use it for grocery shopping this morning, and then put money back in savings from my paycheck, after Tuesday), we won't be able to do any errands/shopping. Still debating on what to do.
So we drove down to Eugene, and met V at her jewelry store in the Mall. As usual there was some kind of promotion going on: this time people dressed as movie characters from iconic movies were wandering around; you could have your photo taken with them. I had mine taken with a very tall Chewbacca. Can't wait to see it. (It's on V's phone, so I'm waiting for her to send it to me.) We then had lunch with her in the food court, and met her employees, and did some people watching.
Then we drove over to the church for the Celebration for Mayme; it was very emotional, as expected. There was a church service with readings, songs, prayers, and then people got up and shared memories. As dearly as I loved Mayme, there was no way I could get up and share what she meant to me in front of that many people (probably 100 or more).
There was a slide show which featured photos of her life at different times; I was in a surprising number of them, either with her alone, or with a few special friends, when we all went camping, or had potlucks, or at retreats.
Afterwards there was socializing and a potluck. I miss these people so much; they were my first friends in AlAnon from over 11 years ago. I have so many treasured memories, and have shared so much with them. People came up to me and were clearly delighted to see me, catch up, share news. I was in tears a lot. Many of us were, of course.
Catching up with J&C was the best. With my daughter's reinvolvement with his son, we naturally discussed that. And other things, too. It got emotional with remembering how special the times together as a group and the times with just J&C& me were, and how much we miss that connection.
It came up that J and I were discussing our move to FL and pros and cons, and when/how/if; at one point when I brought up one of J's cons, apparently it sounded to my old friend that this was the main reason for the difficulty in making a decision. My friend turned to J and mockingly said, "So do I have to take you out back? do we have to have it out?" The gist being that J is somehow making me unhappy, and that bigbrotherJay has to "protect" me. It was all said in a joking manner, and I laughed, and brushed it off as part of the ongoing banter, and we moved on to other things.
We, I, reconnected with all my friends, and exchanged emails and phone numbers, and then J and I left around 5. By then it was dark and while neither of us likes driving in the dark, J's knee is painful enough that I am doing most of the driving these days.
So we started for home, and gradually I became aware that J was quietly upset. After very little urging it came out why, which related back to the remark made by my brotherJay. J felt I had not come to his defense, he felt attacked by that remark, he definitely did not take it as a joke but as a male "chesting" another male, blah blah blah. Good GOD that was not at all how I saw it. But J was very upset by it.
I was trying to see his point; I was also trying to drive in the dark on a narrow two-lane country road, and remain calm, and J was getting more and more upset. We had to finally agree to not discuss it til we were both at home and calmed down.
It was a quiet ride.
At home he decided to go for a walk. Alone. In the dark. Meanwhile I changed clothes, and poured myself a big glass of wine, and busied myself trying to think how and what to say.
When he came back inside, he changed clothes too, and by unspoken agreement we decided not to speak about it at all just yet, and we discussed other things and tried to decided on a movie to watch.
We haven't brought it up since. (Editor's note: after I'd finished writing this morning, J apologized to me, fully taking responsibility, and saying this is his own insecurity issue, and nothing to do with me. So I guess we're okay, although I'm sure there'll be more discussion at some point.)
At V's jewelry store during our visit she cleaned and inspected my rings, informing me that my great-grandmother's diamond has a loose stone. She insisted I remove it right away so that I wouldn't lose it before I could have it fixed, suggesting a couple of places in our own town I could have this done. I had just had these inspected and cleaned in July, and no mention was made then. I wonder what happened.
Earlier this week, I was happy to discover I had Thursday and Friday off, since PAD wasn't going to be in the office. So Thursday I read a lot, and walked a good long walk, and just completely relaxed.
Friday morning I had my health screening at work, and J had his pre-op scheduled with the cardiologist. J is extremely worried that he will die during surgery. So much so that when my cubemate tried to get J scheduled before the end of the year as a favor to me (to the point of convincing his surgeon to add an extra day of surgeries to his schedule) that day turned out to be Dec 23. And J turned it down, fearing that if he died during surgery, his kids' Christmas would forever be ruined by the memory of losing their dad. The way his Christmases have been deeply affected by losing his own mom right before Christmas, 55 years ago.
So, no pre-Christmas surgeries, which means his surgery will probably be the first week of January. But his cardiologist doesn't feel there is a big risk at all, and did his best to reassure J.
Then we came home and began the prep for painting the bedroom ceiling. Spent the day scraping the ceiling, then painted. Then the clean up. And it looks amazing. The final step will be the trim. (But each room here needs the trim, so it'll be all done at once.)
Animal Encounters: this week we've seen deer, and coyotes, both in broad daylight. A hawk grabbed and mauled one of the chicks, who died later that day. We then decided to keep them all in the pen for awhile instead of letting them free range. The very next day another hawk grabbed a dove as it was sitting on our bird feeder.That's pretty darn close.
Friday evening I stepped out on the deck to bring some laundry in, and a movement in the creek below caught my eye: it was a beaver! He (she? it?) meandered up the creek and back down closer to our house, and then pulled himself out onto the bank, where he sat for a good 15 minutes cleaning himself. It was so cool to watch him.
Thursday on my regular walk at one part I cross through a huge cow pasture. I'd been hearing a lot of moo-ing for quite some time before I got there, and once I did arrive I was captivated: They were bunched all along the fence closest to the path, to me, about 30 of them, different breeds, bulls and cows and calves. Half were moo-ing, then they'd stop and the other half would start. Even the calves were bawling. I just stood there with Murphy watching and listening. When they were quiet they'd gaze at me. I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, and they didn't seem upset. Each one had a tag on their ear, with a number on one side and a name on the other: Gloria, Helen, Joy, Grace, Eloise. They were just... talkative. A runner came toward me, noticing this auditory explosion, and called to me "What did you do to them??", but she was laughing, and I did too. It was kind of funny, actually. Eventually, maybe 10 minutes later, I decided to just resume walking, and as I got further and further away the noise didn't abate. I could still faintly hear them half a mile away.
I think my oldest cat Sheba is beginning to lose it. She sleeps on my pillow each night now. She jumps down off the bed to head off to use the cat box, but when she's done she can't see in the dark any more and so starts calling. I have to keep talking to her so she will follow the sound of my voice. Then she knows to jump back up on the bed. If she goes outside, more often than not she will immediately turn and yell to come back in. At other times she is fine with wandering outside in the yard, or waiting for mousies at the various known mouse holes outside. Sometimes she will curl up on a pillow outside on one of the deck chairs and sleep out in the sun quite happily.
My daughter's cat Mao is pretty much ignored by the resident cats. But J plays with him, and Mao loves to play with the cat toys. Mao lies on the floor in the doorway to either the office or the kitchen, and will not move. If Fiona is wandering by she will stop dead then, and then slowly, casually, move away. Fiona and Mao will occasionally duke it out, but we never really know about it until we notice that Fiona is once again collar-less; Mao apparently gets a hold of it while they are tussling, and we find it upstairs. Fiona's and Sheba's favorite spots are on the kitchen table, companionably sharing the space as J and I are on our computers. The table gets pretty crowded...but the best view is there too, to the outside bird feeders, aka BirdTV.
It's only in the upper 40s today. But it's not raining. I'm meeting a friend today at 1 so we can walk. I guess that's the only thing on the schedule.
I'm re-reading a series of books, and just finished book number 4. There are two more. I didn't own them so ordered them from Amazon, and since I haven't read these last two, I have to read them in order. Yes, I'm obsessive. I was hoping to be able to finish the one I have, and then go right to the next one, but it hasn't arrived yet. Grrrr.
Meanwhile I'm thinking of Christmas already. Gifts are necessary for my daughter, and for my granddaughters. And for J of course. Pressure.
My son N texted me this morning. He is being served with child support papers for the new baby. This is only right, of course, but I also know how deeply overwhelmed he is. My biggest fear is that he'll kill himself because he cannot find a way out of the mess his life is. He first started talking of suicide at age 7. I know how (I believe clinically) depressed he is, and has been for years. The abuse of alcohol is just one manifestation, but he is also dealing with other pressures. I'm very concerned, but there is nothing I can do except pray. I offered our home as a temporary space if he needed to get off the road, if he wanted to try living somewhere stable. I tried to give him encouragement, and hope, and show him he has options, but I don't know if that gets through. We texted back and forth for a good long time. He says he will call tonight, and it would be nice if he did. My heart aches for him.
Well, I'm written out, I think. I've dumped almost everything that's been worrying me here. There's more in my head, but I have to get up and walk around. Maybe I will write more later.
My paycheck now arrives in the mail on Saturdays, and so far I've been able to deposit in our credit union before 2pm, therefore we have access to it (to be able to go grocery shopping or do whatever errands we can on the weekends).
However, yesterday J made plans to meet up with his daughter down in Eugene for the time before the Celebration of Life at 3. Therefore we couldn't wait for the mail. Therefore I won't have access to any money until Tuesday. (Monday is a holiday.)
That really upset the
Yes, we had a good time with her, but that wasn't the point. The point is that unless we now take money out of savings (to use it for grocery shopping this morning, and then put money back in savings from my paycheck, after Tuesday), we won't be able to do any errands/shopping. Still debating on what to do.
So we drove down to Eugene, and met V at her jewelry store in the Mall. As usual there was some kind of promotion going on: this time people dressed as movie characters from iconic movies were wandering around; you could have your photo taken with them. I had mine taken with a very tall Chewbacca. Can't wait to see it. (It's on V's phone, so I'm waiting for her to send it to me.) We then had lunch with her in the food court, and met her employees, and did some people watching.
Then we drove over to the church for the Celebration for Mayme; it was very emotional, as expected. There was a church service with readings, songs, prayers, and then people got up and shared memories. As dearly as I loved Mayme, there was no way I could get up and share what she meant to me in front of that many people (probably 100 or more).
There was a slide show which featured photos of her life at different times; I was in a surprising number of them, either with her alone, or with a few special friends, when we all went camping, or had potlucks, or at retreats.
Afterwards there was socializing and a potluck. I miss these people so much; they were my first friends in AlAnon from over 11 years ago. I have so many treasured memories, and have shared so much with them. People came up to me and were clearly delighted to see me, catch up, share news. I was in tears a lot. Many of us were, of course.
Catching up with J&C was the best. With my daughter's reinvolvement with his son, we naturally discussed that. And other things, too. It got emotional with remembering how special the times together as a group and the times with just J&C& me were, and how much we miss that connection.
It came up that J and I were discussing our move to FL and pros and cons, and when/how/if; at one point when I brought up one of J's cons, apparently it sounded to my old friend that this was the main reason for the difficulty in making a decision. My friend turned to J and mockingly said, "So do I have to take you out back? do we have to have it out?" The gist being that J is somehow making me unhappy, and that bigbrotherJay has to "protect" me. It was all said in a joking manner, and I laughed, and brushed it off as part of the ongoing banter, and we moved on to other things.
We, I, reconnected with all my friends, and exchanged emails and phone numbers, and then J and I left around 5. By then it was dark and while neither of us likes driving in the dark, J's knee is painful enough that I am doing most of the driving these days.
So we started for home, and gradually I became aware that J was quietly upset. After very little urging it came out why, which related back to the remark made by my brotherJay. J felt I had not come to his defense, he felt attacked by that remark, he definitely did not take it as a joke but as a male "chesting" another male, blah blah blah. Good GOD that was not at all how I saw it. But J was very upset by it.
I was trying to see his point; I was also trying to drive in the dark on a narrow two-lane country road, and remain calm, and J was getting more and more upset. We had to finally agree to not discuss it til we were both at home and calmed down.
It was a quiet ride.
At home he decided to go for a walk. Alone. In the dark. Meanwhile I changed clothes, and poured myself a big glass of wine, and busied myself trying to think how and what to say.
When he came back inside, he changed clothes too, and by unspoken agreement we decided not to speak about it at all just yet, and we discussed other things and tried to decided on a movie to watch.
We haven't brought it up since. (Editor's note: after I'd finished writing this morning, J apologized to me, fully taking responsibility, and saying this is his own insecurity issue, and nothing to do with me. So I guess we're okay, although I'm sure there'll be more discussion at some point.)
At V's jewelry store during our visit she cleaned and inspected my rings, informing me that my great-grandmother's diamond has a loose stone. She insisted I remove it right away so that I wouldn't lose it before I could have it fixed, suggesting a couple of places in our own town I could have this done. I had just had these inspected and cleaned in July, and no mention was made then. I wonder what happened.
Earlier this week, I was happy to discover I had Thursday and Friday off, since PAD wasn't going to be in the office. So Thursday I read a lot, and walked a good long walk, and just completely relaxed.
Friday morning I had my health screening at work, and J had his pre-op scheduled with the cardiologist. J is extremely worried that he will die during surgery. So much so that when my cubemate tried to get J scheduled before the end of the year as a favor to me (to the point of convincing his surgeon to add an extra day of surgeries to his schedule) that day turned out to be Dec 23. And J turned it down, fearing that if he died during surgery, his kids' Christmas would forever be ruined by the memory of losing their dad. The way his Christmases have been deeply affected by losing his own mom right before Christmas, 55 years ago.
So, no pre-Christmas surgeries, which means his surgery will probably be the first week of January. But his cardiologist doesn't feel there is a big risk at all, and did his best to reassure J.
Then we came home and began the prep for painting the bedroom ceiling. Spent the day scraping the ceiling, then painted. Then the clean up. And it looks amazing. The final step will be the trim. (But each room here needs the trim, so it'll be all done at once.)
Animal Encounters: this week we've seen deer, and coyotes, both in broad daylight. A hawk grabbed and mauled one of the chicks, who died later that day. We then decided to keep them all in the pen for awhile instead of letting them free range. The very next day another hawk grabbed a dove as it was sitting on our bird feeder.That's pretty darn close.
Friday evening I stepped out on the deck to bring some laundry in, and a movement in the creek below caught my eye: it was a beaver! He (she? it?) meandered up the creek and back down closer to our house, and then pulled himself out onto the bank, where he sat for a good 15 minutes cleaning himself. It was so cool to watch him.
Thursday on my regular walk at one part I cross through a huge cow pasture. I'd been hearing a lot of moo-ing for quite some time before I got there, and once I did arrive I was captivated: They were bunched all along the fence closest to the path, to me, about 30 of them, different breeds, bulls and cows and calves. Half were moo-ing, then they'd stop and the other half would start. Even the calves were bawling. I just stood there with Murphy watching and listening. When they were quiet they'd gaze at me. I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, and they didn't seem upset. Each one had a tag on their ear, with a number on one side and a name on the other: Gloria, Helen, Joy, Grace, Eloise. They were just... talkative. A runner came toward me, noticing this auditory explosion, and called to me "What did you do to them??", but she was laughing, and I did too. It was kind of funny, actually. Eventually, maybe 10 minutes later, I decided to just resume walking, and as I got further and further away the noise didn't abate. I could still faintly hear them half a mile away.
I think my oldest cat Sheba is beginning to lose it. She sleeps on my pillow each night now. She jumps down off the bed to head off to use the cat box, but when she's done she can't see in the dark any more and so starts calling. I have to keep talking to her so she will follow the sound of my voice. Then she knows to jump back up on the bed. If she goes outside, more often than not she will immediately turn and yell to come back in. At other times she is fine with wandering outside in the yard, or waiting for mousies at the various known mouse holes outside. Sometimes she will curl up on a pillow outside on one of the deck chairs and sleep out in the sun quite happily.
My daughter's cat Mao is pretty much ignored by the resident cats. But J plays with him, and Mao loves to play with the cat toys. Mao lies on the floor in the doorway to either the office or the kitchen, and will not move. If Fiona is wandering by she will stop dead then, and then slowly, casually, move away. Fiona and Mao will occasionally duke it out, but we never really know about it until we notice that Fiona is once again collar-less; Mao apparently gets a hold of it while they are tussling, and we find it upstairs. Fiona's and Sheba's favorite spots are on the kitchen table, companionably sharing the space as J and I are on our computers. The table gets pretty crowded...but the best view is there too, to the outside bird feeders, aka BirdTV.
It's only in the upper 40s today. But it's not raining. I'm meeting a friend today at 1 so we can walk. I guess that's the only thing on the schedule.
I'm re-reading a series of books, and just finished book number 4. There are two more. I didn't own them so ordered them from Amazon, and since I haven't read these last two, I have to read them in order. Yes, I'm obsessive. I was hoping to be able to finish the one I have, and then go right to the next one, but it hasn't arrived yet. Grrrr.
Meanwhile I'm thinking of Christmas already. Gifts are necessary for my daughter, and for my granddaughters. And for J of course. Pressure.
My son N texted me this morning. He is being served with child support papers for the new baby. This is only right, of course, but I also know how deeply overwhelmed he is. My biggest fear is that he'll kill himself because he cannot find a way out of the mess his life is. He first started talking of suicide at age 7. I know how (I believe clinically) depressed he is, and has been for years. The abuse of alcohol is just one manifestation, but he is also dealing with other pressures. I'm very concerned, but there is nothing I can do except pray. I offered our home as a temporary space if he needed to get off the road, if he wanted to try living somewhere stable. I tried to give him encouragement, and hope, and show him he has options, but I don't know if that gets through. We texted back and forth for a good long time. He says he will call tonight, and it would be nice if he did. My heart aches for him.
Well, I'm written out, I think. I've dumped almost everything that's been worrying me here. There's more in my head, but I have to get up and walk around. Maybe I will write more later.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Sunday
It's not even 1pm, but it feels later. I woke at 7, which today became 6 because of daylight saving time. I was out the door and walking with Murphy by 830.
Home to discover J had begun work on chopping up the pile of wood our neighbor dropped off for us. So as he cut it up I stacked it on the pile to dry out for next year. We got that whole pile almost done.
I was still too sick to go to work last Monday; actually stayed in bed propped up with pillows, and read or dozed. Tuesday I was better so I went in to work, but my cube mate very sweetly offered to cover for me so I could go home at 1, and I gratefully accepted. Came home and fell asleep.
Wednesday I was even better, though sounding worse because of the cough. However, state of mind is everything. Mentally I felt much more alert, and that makes a huge difference. I'd forgotten to bring my cough medication to work, so after J got back from his trip to Eugene (for breakfast with his kids), he hopped into his truck to bring it to me. Unfortunately that truck decided to break down, and he ended up walking a couple of miles with Murphy to my office. It wasn't raining that day, thank goodness.
He arranged for it to be towed to the mechanic's, and it turned out the fuel pump had been defective. Fortunately it was still under warranty having just been replaced in March, so it didn't cost us a thing.
Friday afternoon I got to leave work a couple of hours early to go to my physical therapy appointment and learned more stretches and exercises to be working on daily.
That day my dear sponsor forwarded me an email. My special wonderful mentor Mayme had died. She had just passed her 97th birthday. I said a prayer for her; she has been in my prayers daily for years anyway, but now she is at peace. Her faith in a higher power was an inspiration to so many people. She was a founding member of AlAnon in Oregon back in the late 40s and 50s, traveling to many towns bringing hope and comfort to countless numbers, establishing meetings which are still going to this day. I was blessed to consider her a special friend, and to know that I was special to her is a humbling feeling. I felt so lucky to be a part of that inner circle. She came into my life one year after my own Gramma died, and I can't help thinking that wasn't an accident.
A celebration of life and potluck will be next weekend so we'll drive down for that.
Yesterday I went back to my own meeting, for the first time in two weeks, and that felt wonderful, as always. Then I came home and wanted to do a nice long walk, but only about a mile out Murphy began limping, and not wanting to walk at all. I carried him some of the way, but had to turn around and come home. Today he seems fine.
J however has been having increasing and unendurable pain in his knee, the one which has gotten the cortisone and the orthovisc series and the brace. After years of hearing him swear he would never ever go through knee replacement surgery again, Thursday morning he calmly said he was ready to do this, and wants to have it done before the end of the year. This year. Holy crap.
So we've started that process. He will have it done by one of the docs in my office (my cubemate's boss, actually). If all goes well, he'll get the cardiologist's clearance and his PCP's okay, and hopefully the surgery will be mid- December. It's going to require weeks of recovery and physical therapy, and I don't know quite how we'll do this. But it makes sense to take advantage of having met the deductible for this year.
I'm scared, and I know he is too because of his heart issue. However, the medical treatments have not worked, and he is in pain all the time. It is severely affecting his quality of life, and he is exhausted all the time from dealing with the pain. So, if he's up for it, I'm behind him.
One thing which will help I think is that my daughter will be home around the same time. If I can't be home with J myself, then I will feel vastly comforted knowing she is there, at least for awhile.
Changes... my brother is moving back to MA in one month, and that means leaving my sister in FL. I know just how much she will miss him. It makes me more anxious to be relocating as soon as possible. Just have to figure out how to manage this. I will need to fly out, house hunt, hope to find something I can afford, and then buy it, all within days. My plan is to rent it out (to whom? and who will manage this locally?) til I can move there myself. In a perfect world I'd buy it and just move in right away. But I will need to be out of debt (the school loan) first, because making a house payment monthly isn't something I can manage at the same time I am paying off the loan. I'm anxious for it to happen soon, but there is a lot to do in preparation. Plus, if I quit my job, I won't get unemployment benefits, so that's something to consider...I need to have enough to live on til I find another job in FL.
Finally, one of our original chickens, Daisy the Barred Rock, is getting ready to leave us. She no longer wanders the yard; instead she stays in the pen, with her eyes closed. I haven't seen her eating, just drinking. She quit laying months ago along with the other original Lucy, so they are "just pets" now. Which is fine: I love them. I know it's all part of life, and chickens don't live long anyway. She and Lucy are 3 and a half years old, and they've been good layers. It's hard to tell with chickens, but I don't think she is in pain. One of these days she just won't move anymore. I'd rather have her die in her own bed, than be eaten by an owl, or chased by a strange dog. She's been such a sweet hen.
The new little girls are a blast to watch. They run around the lawn excitedly, they huddle together, they cheep and chirp and scratch in the leaves. So far they haven't left the yard, and Buffy the Orpington seems to be the Boss now. Changes.
I'm going to go lie down and put my feet up. Sunday afternoon.
Home to discover J had begun work on chopping up the pile of wood our neighbor dropped off for us. So as he cut it up I stacked it on the pile to dry out for next year. We got that whole pile almost done.
I was still too sick to go to work last Monday; actually stayed in bed propped up with pillows, and read or dozed. Tuesday I was better so I went in to work, but my cube mate very sweetly offered to cover for me so I could go home at 1, and I gratefully accepted. Came home and fell asleep.
Wednesday I was even better, though sounding worse because of the cough. However, state of mind is everything. Mentally I felt much more alert, and that makes a huge difference. I'd forgotten to bring my cough medication to work, so after J got back from his trip to Eugene (for breakfast with his kids), he hopped into his truck to bring it to me. Unfortunately that truck decided to break down, and he ended up walking a couple of miles with Murphy to my office. It wasn't raining that day, thank goodness.
He arranged for it to be towed to the mechanic's, and it turned out the fuel pump had been defective. Fortunately it was still under warranty having just been replaced in March, so it didn't cost us a thing.
Friday afternoon I got to leave work a couple of hours early to go to my physical therapy appointment and learned more stretches and exercises to be working on daily.
That day my dear sponsor forwarded me an email. My special wonderful mentor Mayme had died. She had just passed her 97th birthday. I said a prayer for her; she has been in my prayers daily for years anyway, but now she is at peace. Her faith in a higher power was an inspiration to so many people. She was a founding member of AlAnon in Oregon back in the late 40s and 50s, traveling to many towns bringing hope and comfort to countless numbers, establishing meetings which are still going to this day. I was blessed to consider her a special friend, and to know that I was special to her is a humbling feeling. I felt so lucky to be a part of that inner circle. She came into my life one year after my own Gramma died, and I can't help thinking that wasn't an accident.
A celebration of life and potluck will be next weekend so we'll drive down for that.
Yesterday I went back to my own meeting, for the first time in two weeks, and that felt wonderful, as always. Then I came home and wanted to do a nice long walk, but only about a mile out Murphy began limping, and not wanting to walk at all. I carried him some of the way, but had to turn around and come home. Today he seems fine.
J however has been having increasing and unendurable pain in his knee, the one which has gotten the cortisone and the orthovisc series and the brace. After years of hearing him swear he would never ever go through knee replacement surgery again, Thursday morning he calmly said he was ready to do this, and wants to have it done before the end of the year. This year. Holy crap.
So we've started that process. He will have it done by one of the docs in my office (my cubemate's boss, actually). If all goes well, he'll get the cardiologist's clearance and his PCP's okay, and hopefully the surgery will be mid- December. It's going to require weeks of recovery and physical therapy, and I don't know quite how we'll do this. But it makes sense to take advantage of having met the deductible for this year.
I'm scared, and I know he is too because of his heart issue. However, the medical treatments have not worked, and he is in pain all the time. It is severely affecting his quality of life, and he is exhausted all the time from dealing with the pain. So, if he's up for it, I'm behind him.
One thing which will help I think is that my daughter will be home around the same time. If I can't be home with J myself, then I will feel vastly comforted knowing she is there, at least for awhile.
Changes... my brother is moving back to MA in one month, and that means leaving my sister in FL. I know just how much she will miss him. It makes me more anxious to be relocating as soon as possible. Just have to figure out how to manage this. I will need to fly out, house hunt, hope to find something I can afford, and then buy it, all within days. My plan is to rent it out (to whom? and who will manage this locally?) til I can move there myself. In a perfect world I'd buy it and just move in right away. But I will need to be out of debt (the school loan) first, because making a house payment monthly isn't something I can manage at the same time I am paying off the loan. I'm anxious for it to happen soon, but there is a lot to do in preparation. Plus, if I quit my job, I won't get unemployment benefits, so that's something to consider...I need to have enough to live on til I find another job in FL.
Finally, one of our original chickens, Daisy the Barred Rock, is getting ready to leave us. She no longer wanders the yard; instead she stays in the pen, with her eyes closed. I haven't seen her eating, just drinking. She quit laying months ago along with the other original Lucy, so they are "just pets" now. Which is fine: I love them. I know it's all part of life, and chickens don't live long anyway. She and Lucy are 3 and a half years old, and they've been good layers. It's hard to tell with chickens, but I don't think she is in pain. One of these days she just won't move anymore. I'd rather have her die in her own bed, than be eaten by an owl, or chased by a strange dog. She's been such a sweet hen.
The new little girls are a blast to watch. They run around the lawn excitedly, they huddle together, they cheep and chirp and scratch in the leaves. So far they haven't left the yard, and Buffy the Orpington seems to be the Boss now. Changes.
I'm going to go lie down and put my feet up. Sunday afternoon.
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