Sunday

 Today is the last day of November, the last day of hurricane season, and the beginning of the last month of this difficult year. I heard my friend yesterday in the meeting mention that these upcoming holidays were the second since her daughter died, just as it is since J's death. I thought it was supposed to be easier after the first year, but that's not true, at least for me, and apparently for my friend. She can barely speak of it still, and I get that. Depending on who I am speaking to, and what we are talking about, I have the same difficulty. 

Today is warmer, 74  at 11am, compared to yesterday when it barely reached 70 all day.  I don't think I'll need the heat on tonight. The past two nights have been so cold. All the pets are on the bed each night.

Well. Last Monday, the 24th, I'd made plans to meet Sis at MissS' house so we could all drive to the new Trader Joe's store and see what it was all about. MissS said she'd drive, as it was in the Tanger outlets and I for sure do not know my way around there. Looking back, we should have also gone and tried Perrine's, as the Trader Joe's store was still just packed. It was not a weekday, but it was a few days before a holiday, so maybe not the best time to try it...

After that we all split up and went our separate ways. (I have been utterly exhausted all week, and it wasn't until I was sharing this with K yesterday that I realized this is a symptom, damn it. I think the antibiotics have given up. I will be seeing my pulmonologist this Tuesday, so we'll see.)

Then on Tuesday I again met MissS at 11 at her house, and met G, Kit's mom. She's a talker! and I could tell she wanted to give me  a hug, but wasn't sure if it was ok. We all got into her SUV and drove to the restaurant where Kit works, and had a great lunch-- we all got the Special: cheeseburgers with a choice of sides. 

We all got along well, and shared interests and stories and just relaxed. It was very nice. Amazing how much we have in common. Music, as well; I hope we do get to go to some of the concerts we discovered we have in common.  When we said goodbye, this time we all hugged.  At home I just collapsed again.  No energy at all. I even took a nap. 

Wednesday I had a few things to get, rather than face the crowds on Friday, so jumped in the car planning on Walmart. Once I arrived I quickly decided NO: That place was mobbed. I switched plans suddenly, getting a car wash instead, and then heading for Publix. Which was also mobbed, but a much nicer place to be mobbed in. I only had to drive around the parking lot 4 times looking for a parking spot.  They did not have my wine, so I just got my other things and left.

I think MissS came for a couple of hours that evening, and stayed for dinner. My thinking is so fuzzy.

Thursday, Thanksgiving, was a quiet day. My one neighbor was packing up a moving van, so I guess he and the occasional children are not in my life anymore. This will make it a bit easier for Chris to get into that yard and fix the fence. 

I got texts/messages from my sons, who said they were going to a friend of their dad's for the big feast. Later I got photos from SonN.

Later in the afternoon I got dressed and headed to Bro's and SIL's house. It was a lovely dinner with plenty of yummy food. Just the usual 3 couples, and me, and Dad. Lots of talking, laughing. 

That afternoon it had suddenly gotten a lot cooler-- so we couldn't have any of the meal outside; still it was nice and cozy inside, everyone sharing news, good and bad.  Around 6:30 we all began clearing the table and packing up, and  I think we all left at the same time. 

Back at home I let the animals out on the deck, and due to the temp drop no one wanted to stay outside for long. I put the heat on and set it for 73. When I went to bed I wore socks, and still slept very badly, waking every 90 minutes or so. Not sure if that was due to the cold, or the number of blankets or animals on the bed, or the disturbing dreams.

Friday I only went outside to pick up an Amazon package from the front porch. Too cold, no energy, no place I needed to go. I had originally planned to mow the lawn, but every single day this week I couldn't face that chore; it just seemed like too much energy. I'm going to try today. Also I increased the indoor temp to 74; amazing what one degree can help with.

Saturday, after a better sleep with more anti-anxiety meds, I headed to the Meeting. It was wonderful to see my friends. No one had any drama, amazingly. My friend K is leaving again on a cruise soon, and I am trying to scrape up the courage to suggest lunch after the meeting next week...  I did end up taking the door key for the month of December; and I was going to lead the meeting but my voice wasn't cooperating.

After the meeting I drove to the PO Walmart to get my wine, and a few Christmas things, then drove to my pharmacy and picked up my rx. Remember the med I was needing a refill of but the new doc-- whom I haven't met-- refused it? It's for a fairly serious condition I would think, but whatever.  Anyway, Wednesday I'd gotten a text that my rx was waiting for me, and it was this med. I have no idea what happened, why she changed her mind, etc. Anyway, I have it now.

At home I tackled the groceries and  started laundry, two loads, and emptied all the cat boxes and refilled them. This all took about an hour. And that was it. Other than changing the laundry into the dryer twice, I could barely move, and the breathing thing is definitely more difficult.  I watched a few more movies and did a lot of stitching. And took a nap.

For dinner I've been doing fine with leftovers. Not hungry at all, but I need to have something in my stomach before I can take the antibiotics.

This coming week I have a pulmonology appt at 2 on Tuesday, and an  oncology appt at 11 on Friday; I know he'll be ordering my mammograms, and I hope I get those done before the end of the year.

 My brother is having an ablation on Thursday, and I am planning on sitting with SIL during that, depending on what happens at the pulmonologist appt.

 Well, I'm going to try the mowing. Missy will enjoy us being outside.

TYG

Sunday

 Sunday morning rolls around so fast. Sometimes the days seem long, but at the end of each day I wonder how it flew by.

Last week was a difficult week. (When are they not??) It was more difficult than usual.

Sunday afternoon Chris mowed the lawn and did the edging.

Monday I cleaned up the house, and my guest arrived at 11. We had a perfect visit, sharing a bunch of stuff, and again discovering how much we had in common despite very different upbringings. She left around 1:30 and I  busied myself in the kitchen, making the shortbread. I felt drained afterwards. Very emotional sharing, and while affirming, it's still overwhelming.

At around 8:30 that night I was getting ready for bed, closing down the house. My phone signaled that someone was initiating a video call. (Have I said how much I hate those??)  I saw it was my son, and thought, "Oh sh*t." But I answered. 

To my utter shock,  SonN was sobbing so hard he could hardly speak. He said, "I have bad news. Dad is dead."  And  during the next 20 or so minutes I learned they had just been told and their dad's roommate James was the one who'd found him, and called his mom, and that he was now waiting for the police. Their gramma called my sons.

Eventually (yesterday) I learned that James had been gone for a day or so, and came home and found my ex on the floor in the bathroom, the shower curtain pulled off the rings. There's still no word on the cause of death, but their grandmother did arrange for him to be cremated. 

With the cremains will be a death certificate, and with that official paper they will be able to access his bank account. Sigh. Apparently there is a substantial amount of cash. Not sure if it's his IRA, pension, savings, or what. But my sons apparently think they are the recipients, and will be dividing it up with my daughter.

There's so little that can be said at those first moments on learning someone you had/have a relationship with is gone. My heart was with my children. When my sons became unable to speak, their roommate Jared got on the phone and filled in the gaps. (His voice sounded identical to my sons' voices, so I was confused for awhile. But he is a medic and seemed familiar with this type of event and the process of notifying survivors and knowing what steps are taken. I'm glad he was there for my sons. He described my sons as being in shock, and unable to comprehend anything.)

 I was asked to call my daughter and notify her, so after that phone call, I called MissS, and made sure Kit was there in the apartment before I told her I had some bad news. She too was in shock and immediately began sobbing. Eventually Kit came on the phone and I told him, because MissS couldn't talk. 

I also tried to reach my sister. We did talk briefly. By the time that conversation was over it was almost 9:30, and I thought it would be too late to call my brother.  And I was trying to reach Betsy with no luck. Oh, how terrible this all is.

I took a half an anti-anxiety pill to get some sleep, which did help. I guess I'm not in shock as such; and I am in peace with how my ex and I left it. I wish he had been able to put our own stuff aside so we could talk about the kids we had in common, but he wasn't able to. I'm deeply sorry for how this has all affected my children. Losing a parent, especially one you have a challenging relationship with, has got to be the worst. And this way, with him being alone at the end-- how horrible...

Tuesday morning  I still hadn't heard from Betsy-- I was trying to reach her via Facebook messenger, since I don't have her phone number.

Unfortunately my sons in their grief put up a post about their dad being gone, and I learned a few hours later when Betsy called me that yes, she'd seen the posting, that was how she learned her older brother had died. She was crying too. I now have her number. We talked for about 10 minutes, me giving her the info I had, and wishing there was more to say.

She kept trying to reach MissS who wasn't responding. Sis was trying to reach MissS too, and receiving no response. I know she tends to isolate in bad times, but I finally called Kit and asked him to ask MissS to at least respond to messages. So apparently that did happen.

I walked Missy, and found Chris outside working on his truck-- I went home and grabbed the shortbread I'd made and went back over to Chris. We talked a good half hour, exchanging news and gossip. At one point Barry, the neighbor across the street from Chris, zoomed up in his car, and ran into his house and came back out almost immediately, got back in his car and started to leave but saw me standing there with Chris. He pulled over and seemed shocked to see me, but I was just as shocked-- he is extremely thin. The last time I saw him he had clearly lost a bunch of weight --he used to be a huge man--  but I had the impression he was working on this deliberately. Now it looks like he has gone too far. It was good to see him though. He and J got along very well. We had kept planning to have him over for dinner, but it never happened.

Later that day, Tuesday, I discovered the Wifi on the laptop wasn't working. I did all the usual things I knew how to do multiple times. I wasn't going to ask MissS unless I had to.

Well. Wednesday morning I was up early, tried walking Missy who didn't want to walk further than my neighbor's house. That was when I got sick of looking at the damn petunia bed,  and sick of asking/waiting for help. So I did it myself. Moved all the bricks, covered the entire area with black ground cover cloth, re-set all the bricks.  I moved slowly and carefully. I was still exhausted when I finished.

When I got back inside, I got a text from Reed; his dad had a stroke and was in the hospital. He is 96. He didn't know much more but promised to keep me posted. Good GOD.

I tried working on the laptop again-- nada. I gave in and texted MissS asking for her to do her magic.  She eventually responded, and did come over around 11. She insists she was doing the same things I had tried,  but 15 minutes later it was working perfectly. Thank god. This laptop is only a year old, and there's no reason anything should be  wonky.

Later Bro and Sis picked me up and we drove up to take Dad out to the clubhouse. I brought some of the shortbread for Dad. We always discuss politics, and this time there was my ex's death to discuss as well. I had the grilled mahi-mahi sandwich, and it was perfect. 

I had learned, and shared with them, that The Week magazine had charged me $179 for a year's subscription, although if you order it from the website it's only $99. I had written to their CS department asking for a refund of the difference, which they denied, basically telling me politely tough sh*t. So because this is a gift from Dad I will not cancel the subscription but I also will not renew it. Very disappointing. 

Thursday morning very early, SonJ texted me his dad's obit before putting it on Facebook. Oddly, they left out any mention of his sister Susan and his brother Todd. Very awkward; both Betsy and I decided not to bring it up at this time. We know they are doing their best.

I gave Missy a bath, and went to get the grocery order and her meds. It was a quiet day. Oh, I found some paint for the car in the glovebox, so I touched up several spots. I also tried using that special cleaner which was supposed to take off the weird stains... no luck.

Friday I don't even remember. Except, yes, that was the day Reed texted me his dad had indeed died, the day before.  I dearly remember those wonderful times with his dad, and I will miss him forever. He had a huge impact on my life. A big, loving, energetic, laughing bear of a man. So intelligent, so sensitive. Hmm. I just realized J was a lot like him.

Saturday I went to the Meeting, and shared this horrible week. My friends there are all supportive and loving, and I am grateful. After the meeting I took a return back to Kohl's, and got chlorine for the pool, and gas for the car, and stopped at the Target for some Delicata squash and a few condolence cards.

Back at home I decided after doing the house chores to just sit and watch a movie. I chose a western, and shortly into the movie the video call started ringing. It was SonN, calling from their dad's room. He and SonJ and Amber were all 3 cleaning up his stuff and the terrible  bathroom, and packing it all up,  and feeling grief-stricken and in tears and overwhelmed, the way you do when you are dealing with the leftover of someone's life. 

That beautiful grandfather clock their grampa made-- they had put an ad up offering it for $150. None of them want it or have room for it. Amber was dealing with the bathroom, like a champ. What a gift she is. I got to see the place, and "met" the roommate, and saw how hard they were working. I think they don't want to make any decisions right now, and so are going to rent a storage unit and store everything there until... when. 

That phone call was when I learned their grandmother had paid for the cremation (over $1000), and then "left them to deal with the cleaning up". N was very tearful and openly saying it's so hard, I miss him. 

SonJ was more shut-off and visibly trying not to cry, but just talking about how hard this was, and how sad. That was also when I learned about the bank account; SonJ was sharing that someone they were staying with is moving to NY and they might go with them to earn some money at the family business, or they might stay there in OR until their grandmother passed, because otherwise there was no reason to stay there in OR. 

I was thinking... umm, SonN has a daughter there, and Amber...But I can also understand the sudden rootlessness. Combined with a chunk of money, this could be a problem. But it's not my worry, not my business. Damn it. I have not been asked for help, or for advice. I think the money might not easily be accessible, and that it might not go as far as they think. 

Well, my opinion only.  I have no say. It's normal for them not to have plans, and to ramble, and be aimless, drifting. They still have not addressed their disease, and their health. SonJ looks terrible; well, actually both of them do. They are 39 and they look 50+.  Sigh.

That call was 18 minutes, according to my phone.

Complete change of subject. I am now watching The American Revolution on PBS. Twelve episodes, last night I finished episode 3.  So much information, and so much that I learned in school is just wrong...it's a well-documented and researched, lots of paintings depicting the history, interviews, comments from historians, and short videos re-enacting what is being discussed. So interesting.

This coming week should be interesting: lunch on Tuesday I think with Kit's mom, whom I have not met yet. It's so ironic that both our children lost their stepfathers in the last 3 years, and MissS has also lost her bio dad. 

And Thursday is a Thanksgiving feast at Bro and SIL's.

I'm so grateful for friends and family. I don't know what I'd be doing without them. I'd be drifting for sure.

TYG

Sunday

 I got up early so I could do the prep for the chuck roast I bought this week. Holy S**T-- meat is expensive! This small, 2.5lb roast was just under $19. I have it in the crock pot now, and generally that does a great job, but I'm always nervous that I might ruin that hunk of money.  J always cooked the meat for that reason, but recently I have had a craving for pot roast... so I sprung for the expense.

Having a lot of trouble sleeping the past several nights, and not sure why.

Last Monday I used my Kohl's coupons to order and take 30% off a new "frying" pan. (Why do they call it that when I almost never fry anything??)  This time I made sure to not order a non-stick surface, and I did a lot of research on the best, yet affordable small pan. It arrived on Friday and I like it. It seems heavier than I'm used to; I hope that doesn't mean I am getting weaker.

Tuesday was the coldest morning in a long time-- at my house it was 36 degrees at 6 am.  I was glad I had added a blanket to the bed, and all the animals were on the bed too.  It stayed pretty cold all day. Missy absolutely refused to walk beyond my neighbor's house,  so we turned around, and stayed inside.

Wednesday I knew the bug guy was coming sometime between 8-noon, so I had to get up much earlier than usual to be reasonably functional if he arrived at 8. Naturally he didn't arrive until 10:30. But he's a nice guy, and sometimes brings a little treat for Missy. She knows him by now, yet she still barks her fool head off when anyone steps in the house. Sigh.

After he left I went to pick up my two rx's, and got my flu vaccine. No problems with that until the afternoon: I could feel a headache creeping in  and my arm was a bit sore.

The next day it was much worse, and the headache was also much worse. I again had to take the big-gun meds, which just dulled the pain instead of removing it. I had been planning on taking the cats to the groomer, but I just couldn't face it. 

The rx I am still not getting was denied for some reason (by the PCP I have been assigned since my previous one left). I haven't even met her yet, and so I'm confused as to why she would make changes to my med list; denying a medication for the osteoporosis doesn't make sense to me. 

I'm frustrated by this bad start, but I'm not going to argue with someone I haven't met yet. I did argue over my migraine meds, because I didn't have many pills left. But the weekly horse pill for the bone problem? I guess she doesn't feel it's critical... my appt with her isn't until Dec 8, so I guess a month off of this won't accelerate the progression of the disease, assuming she does refill it then. 

They did text me an offer to come in for an earlier appt-- but it was at 7:05 am on Dec 2!! Seven am?? Insane. I turned that down. I'll be seeing a different new doc in January anyway, so I'm sure I will have to do a lot of explaining all over again. I hate changing docs. Grumble, grumble.

MissS had texted and called earlier this week, dealing with the flu and a severe headache as well. Poor kid, she hasn't been sick for a long time, and the flu has been bad this year. I didn't see her until Saturday, yesterday. Even then she didn't stay long, battling the depression flare up again. 

I texted her during the week to let her know the latest on her brothers: I think I learned on Tuesday(?) that they had left the rehab just a day and a half after being admitted. They couldn't face it. I was very grateful I'd had a Meeting to prepare me for this very possibility.

But other than that , and some voice mails left by SonN  (I think he couldn't manage texting, so he just called and left messages, which were heart-breaking), I wasn't hearing much.  They texted off and on since I learned this. They were also openly posting about this on Facebook, receiving much support from friends encouraging them to reconsider the bolting. You could feel their agony in their posts, and I could definitely hear it in the voicemails.

I had reminded SonN that while I couldn't help, this was something only they could fix. And that they were welcome to come here for a visit-- AFTER they'd been clean and sober for a year.  Very soon after that text I got another voicemail: "I don't even know if I'll be alive in a year, Mom." It was a soft, deeply sad voice. I can't even describe it, but I know he believes this.   

I learned they were trying to get back into Buckley House, were on the list for beds. And later that day, Thursday, N texted me he was admitted and was there now. SonJ was the next one, waiting for a bed to open up.

It's Sunday now and I don't know what is happening. I haven't heard from them since, other than N's plea on Facebook for someone to gift him some cigarettes as he was almost out. I don't even know how they are getting food, since I assume both are on food stamps.

Friday morning I captured the cats and got them into their carriers; I was still struggling with my headache and arm pain, but their claws were seemingly sharper every day-- I could not put that off any longer.  Paul did a great job, and he was nice enough to carry the carriers out to the SUV for me and pop them in the back seat.

Back home I did house chores, and laundry,  and prep for a visit from a  friend tomorrow. I swept the pool area, and vacuumed, etc. 

Saturday morning I was awakened by a dream at 1:30am. I never got back to sleep, so I was kind of groggy when it was actually time to get up and feed the animals.  

Then off to the Meeting, where thankfully three of my closest friends were there before the meeting started;  I was able to share the ups and downs of my past few days. I am so grateful for these friends and the support.

One of them, on hearing that I had remained strong on not allowing a visit until they'd been clean for a year, patted me on the shoulder and congratulated me, saying, "They heard you."  Just that simple confirmation meant so much.   I did share with the entire group most of what had happened to my sons, and that really helped too. I know a lot of those friends are also praying for them, and me.

Then I went and returned items to Kohl's, and to UPS, and picked up my grocery order at WM, and went home. These mornings are definitely cool, but by the time the meeting was over I was quite warm, and had to change clothes when I got home.

I was heading to mop the kitchen floor, but a bird was fluttering around the garden window, so I went over to check on it and it flew off safely.

And then I noticed my plants in the window... my poor neglected plants. At least 3 of them need re-potting, and most needed watering. I ended up taking everything out of the window, washing everything, watering what I could, and had time to re-pot one before MissS arrived. I'll get to the others this week.

We were planning a long catch-up afternoon, but her depression was flaring up, and she ended up leaving after an hour or so. By that time I didn't feel up to mopping. Maybe later today.

I finished the Paul Gallico book on the Kindle, immediately started Al Pacino's autobiography, finished that, and started the Anthony Hopkins autobiography. All three of those were absolutely fascinating for such different reasons. 

The two men are both recovering alcoholics with many years sober between them, and the stories they share are riveting. Hopkins' story  especially goes into great detail on how and why he followed the path of drinking and how he finally pulled himself off that path. Particularly this past week, that book has been most helpful to me in trying to understand my sons' ongoing and deteriorating states of mind. 

Gallico's book is riveting because it was written so well; this one used to be called The Abandoned, which I own. But because I wanted it on Kindle, I downloaded a free version which is now called "Jennie". A small boy has a serious accident and in his subsequent coma he discovers he is now a cat, in the streets of London. It was written just after WW2, so his descriptions of war-ravaged London, along with how he learns to become a cat are something I remember my parents reading to me when I was a small child. It's unforgettable. 

Okay. I'm going to mop that damn floor.  

MissS is due at some point to help with spreading the garden ground  cover, which arrived yesterday.  Not looking forward to it, but with two people it should be a lot easier. Thank God for family and friends.

TYG

Sunday

 A cloudy Sunday, with rain and stormy weather expected this afternoon. I've already had rain here earlier,  and one of the cats is still outside enjoying the leftover rain. The other two are inside in the warmth, snoozing. 

Last Monday I looked at my bank account and decided to halt any spending!  Then I went outside in the back yard and overdid the weeding and pruning, as usual. I probably was out there about 90minutes, which didn't seem too long, but I piled everything up and was ready to load it in the wheelbarrow the next day. I went back inside. Then I cleaned up and rested for awhile. When I got up I felt like a very old person; it felt like someone had yanked all my leg tendons hard; it was very painful. 

The next morning, Tuesday, I gritted my teeth and loaded the wheelbarrow and brought everything to the curb. I also weeded the stupid petunias again and then sprayed more poison on the worst areas.  I found some ground cover which J had not used up and asked MissS if she could come over the next morning to help me with that, which of course she did.

Wednesday morning I loaded up the yard debris trash can and put that out too. When MissS came over, laying out the ground cover was much easier than expected. The only problem was I only had enough for half the area. So it now looks half cared for and half like trash. Ugh. MissS was able to leave about 20 minutes later; she hadn't slept at all the night before, so now insomnia is a side effect of her new meds.

I rested most of the afternoon, trying to stretch my muscles frequently. Bro and SIL arrived around 4:30 to make the drive up to Sis', where we picked up Dad and went to the clubhouse for dinner. It was just about dark, since the time change took effect, but I could still see deer on the golf course. Dinner was so good, and I ended up bringing half of it home for dinner the next night.

Thursday I only had to leave the house to pick up my meds and some potatoes for a recipe I was making for the potluck. I peeled and cut up 8 lbs of potatoes, and then cooked them. 

The next morning I thought I'd finish off using the hedge trimmer, but I couldn't get the battery off to recharge it... so I gave it up. It's only my perfectionist tendencies that make me want to do everything required all at once... but actually I have plenty of time to take care of those things.  I do not need to rush, just because I'm alone with these house maintenance things. I also have friends I can call for help.

Back inside I checked email and Facebook as usual, and discovered to my complete shock that SonJ is in a detox/rehab. This came after he tried to stop drinking again and had more seizures, which were bad enough that SonN called 911 and the ambulance took him to the ER again. This was sometime Wednesday apparently.  After he was released I don't know what happened... but the next thing I saw was him posting on FB that he was in the  Buckley House. 

While I was still absorbing this, SonN  had posted "now I'm all alone".   I texted him  and reminded him of SonJ's cat, and that he knew where he could find company (meaning AA, or NA). Instead, the next text I got he said he too was in Buckley House. 

I just fell apart. This is something I have wished and prayed and hoped for, for more years than I can count. This is the first time they have asked for help.  

Rehab at age 16 is a hell of a lot different than rehab and medically-supervised detox at age 39. I  am so proud of them. So grateful. SO shocked. 

After I stopped crying, I sort of came back to reality: I reminded myself that just because they are in now, doesn't mean they are going to live happily ever after. Many addicts go through this process a few times, relapsing on release, going back into rehab, and struggling until they either get clean for good with support and help, or they ... die. 

Their lives have been such a struggle for so many years that I hope this is their chance. It's hard for me to be so grateful and thankful, but still try not to have any expectations of a desired outcome. 

And before I learned anything else, I had to ask SonN, Umm, where is the cat??   He texted back that the cat was with SonJ's roommate. I hadn't known he had a roommate, and I have no idea of any more information. 

I am so curious, and want to know everything-- but I have to back off and let things play out. If one of them wants to share, I will be more than happy to listen and be supportive. I have expressed to both that this is a huge step, and I am so so proud of them. But I had to stop myself from saying anymore than that, other than I love them both.

I then occupied myself making the potato salad for the potluck that night. I kept thinking of them, and of how damn proud J would have been. I wondered if I should pass that along but ultimately decided to shut my mouth until they reach out.

I put the salad in the fridge, and stitched the rest of the afternoon after my usual chores. I did order more ground cover fabric, and had to order an overhead light after discovering the one in the mudroom was broken. Difficult to keep the kitty box area clean in that dark corner.

Bro stopped by in the afternoon to pick up the hedge trimmer, and I shared the news about the boys   my sons being in a rehab, at their decision. This is, again, a huge piece of news. I have been in AlAnon since they were 15, since March 2002. That is almost 25 years of praying, hoping, wishing, and trying not to despair.

I was so nervous about the Gratitude dinner. Driving in the dark, to a strange place, walking into a huge room filled with people, with seemingly every seat filled had me ready to turn tail. But I then saw my friend C who was going to be the main speaker, and I went right to her and we hugged, me telling her how nervous I was. She teasingly said, "Why-- are *you* speaking??"  And I laughed and said "No, but  where do I sit, what should I say to strangers, how do I keep a conversation going..." and she gently turned me around and said "How about here?!" There was a seat, one seat, at a table where my dearest friend and his daughter were clearly delighted to see me. And on my other side was a friend who had moved to a different town so I hadn't seen her in a couple of years.  Thank you, God.

After that it was fine. I got to share my news, my sons' news, with my buddy R and he was absolutely thrilled for me. He knows of course what has been going on, the seizures, the squalor, the lack of jobs, etc. We both shared a brief prayer of thanks.  

Another friend came over and R shared with her my news, and her eyes widened too. A perfect evening for a Gratitude dinner.

The rest of the evening went just fine. There were almost 150 people attending, and there was plenty of food; we all went through the buffet line table by table, and  before people were even done, the speakers started: first the AlaTeen speaker, then the AA speaker and then my friend C, the AlAnon speaker. All are in the same family, amazingly enough. The evening was filled with happiness, and joy, and congratulations.  It was amazing.

Eventually people started leaving, and when I got in the car I saw the time was about 9:30 already, and I was shocked.  Back at home when I got inside the kitchen clock's time was almost 9pm... I had forgotten to change the time in the car! 

I had a glass of wine after the animals were taken care of, and watched a couple of shows to wind down, but when I did lie down, I fell asleep almost immediately.

At the Meeting the next morning, I shared my news, and afterwards several people came over and hugged me in support and gratitude. C gave me a big hug, and very tenderly and sincerely reminded me it was okay to Hope; I had spoken about how hard it was to just take this one day at a time and not have expectations. Her comment made me cry all over again.

At home I just relaxed, taking it all in. MissS came over later despite her severe headache, and we talked. She stayed for dinner, and we watched some sitcoms.

I'm working on reading more; in addition to my Kindle books I'm tackling the hardcover books in my stack. Feels strange to read, like I'm wasting time, not accomplishing anything. But again, it's okay to just be.

That said, I need to take the cats to the groomers, wash the outside windows, hose off the enclosure... it's never-ending.  Oh, the one thing I must do this week is get my flu shot.  I'm waiting for two more rx's to be filled, and I'll do it that day.

Okay, I also have daily chores, must work on those, too.

TYG

Sunday

 It's been a wonderful run of a few days of much cooler weather. Apparently it's over, although in my house it's still only 72, which feels very cool to me. I'm wearing a flannel shirt, and socks, and leggings. Outside, my weather app says it's also 72, so I guess I'll be changing clothes later. I have two lightweight blankets on the bed, and the fan is off. The cats are really enjoying being outside-- but after a half hour they want to come in. I feel I spend half my day letting them in or out.

This past week was both physically and emotionally difficult. Monday I don't remember, except that was the morning I did agree to help SonJ with his phone bill this month. It wasn't too difficult to pay that for him, and it was less than $50 if I remember right.  He was extremely grateful, and thanked me several times. They are back in Eugene, deciding that Hermiston was a dreary and small town.

Tuesday morning I was about to try walking Missy again-- she's so stubborn!-- and fortunately Chris was outside. So we stopped and talked with him for about 45 minutes. I learned a lot of what was happening around here that I've been unaware of, and he cleared up a few mysteries. He's an interesting gossip!  Missy sat patiently at my feet, or at Chris', and even the neighbor's when he too came out to talk.

He's going to trim my hibiscus in front of the house, and he asked about what I wanted to do about the rose bush outside the window-- the trellis is leaning and I think it's about to fall over.

He also has a sump pump (sp?) and will lend it to me/set it up to drain the pool a bit if there is another hurricane. He has the same flooding issue in his back yard, even though he has no pool. So he's as worried about hurricanes and flooding as I am, which relieves me, oddly. I'm not the only one freaking out about the rain storms!

That was when I told him about the real problem, the fence in the back being broken and that's where Missy is escaping into my neighbor's back yard. Later that week he texted me that he'd come and look at the fence where Missy is escaping, and try to fix that for me. What a sweetheart. 

Wednesday MissS was here in the afternoon; I was feeling pretty tired and had no appetite, however she offered to make dinner. That was also the evening SonN called, a video call. I absolutely hate those, but I picked it up, and discovered him crying and depressed and of course drunk. Both of them are dealing with an infestation of bedbugs in that apartment, and are severely discouraged, depressed, disgusted, hopeless, you name it. Neither one has a job, and both seem helpless about what to do. 

MissS and I tried giving a few suggestions, and listened to the ongoing tears and complaints and venting. I haven't seen either of them this bad in years. It was both frightening and worrisome and heart-breaking to listen and try to be supportive without offering financial help. Although, I did help SonJ with his phone, and MissS helped SonN with his phone bill. It both doesn't feel like enough help and it feels dangerously close to enabling. Not that I want them to be miserable, but they do have to "reach bottom" before they decide they want to stop drinking. It's so hard to watch the self-destruction.

After about 20 minutes-- although it felt endless-- I couldn't listen anymore, and told him I loved him, and knew he'd figure it out, and  that I had to go. That is so hard to do. To hang up, and let them be in so much pain feels ... heartless.

Both MissS and I were pretty shaken up by this. We talked a lot about it. 

After she left the illness came back-- the coughing, the chills, the throwing up. I don't know what is happening. It's Sunday now and that hasn't happened again, and I'm feeling much better. I got my current Covid tests from Amazon, and tested again, still negative. It definitely doesn't feel like Covid, but I think I'll try to get the flu vaccine this week.

Thursday morning was Veronica's birthday, and I texted her birthday wishes. Later I got a text back-- they had just gotten back from a family trip to SanDiego, swimming, etc. Mathias was going to dress as a "Space Ranger" for Halloween.

Frankly I am so grateful to be beyond the stage of having small children to dress up, etc. I think maybe I would feel differently if I'd been a stay at home parent,  or if I'd had an involved and supportive partner; J just loved Halloween and seeing the kids dressed up, and he knew how excited they were and could throw himself into this wholeheartedly. He could reach the child-like side of himself so much easier than I could. 

Or maybe if I'd been closer geographically to my grandchildren, maybe that would have been different. Ah well. Only one of them is young enough to dress up:  Amber sent me photos of Crimson dressed up in her costume, wearing the wig I'd supplied.  Naturally she was adorable...

In the afternoon I had a big issue: my pharmacy sent a text telling me the migraine med rx refill had been denied. I had to call them and find out who had denied it, so I could explain to that doc why I needed it, and I had a refill available, etc. The pharmacy couldn't tell me who had denied it but suggested I contact my previous PCP office. I did, and explained the situation to the front desk person. I even said I'd be happy to come in for an appt, but I really needed this medication. She took a detailed message, and made me an appt, was very nice and sweet and understanding. Later when MissS was here, the back-office person called and said the refill was approved. PHEW. So I have an appt-- the soonest they can get me in is Dec 8. I'll meet the new doc who is taking over for my previous doc's practice. Sigh.  

Friday morning, Halloween, I wasn't up to going out to get grocery shopping done so I made up a grocery pick-up order instead for the afternoon.  In the morning I'd gotten a text that my rx was ready for pick up, but I ended up asking MissS if she could pick it up for me. She was a sweetheart, and did so. I worked on paperwork in my filing cabinet until 2pm, then I drove and got my grocery order, and came right home, put everything away, and  rested. 

I'd originally been planning on going to the AlAnon speaker meeting that night, but there was no way I had the energy, plus I knew I'd be driving home in the dark. Nope, didn't want to do that. So I closed the curtains and kept the porch light off, and stayed inside.

Saturday I woke feeling better, enough that I did get ready for the Meeting. I got there early and talked with my best two guys there about my sons and their issue. My dilemma was, Should I help them financially to do the exterminating job?  I really could not decide what was my responsibility. Since one of those friends is also a recovering alcoholic (with a son who is also "recovering" but not attending meetings), and the other friend is not a parent, it was interesting to hear both their opinions. Both pointed out the obvious, and strongly encouraged me to do what I felt comfortable with, but not to enable them.  Sigh. 

I knew this. I just needed the nudge, the reminder. What if this experience is what they need to decide to stop drinking?

And in the meeting's reading it became clear to me from the others' shares, that I needed to back off and let whatever was going to happen, happen. Oh, this aches.  But ultimately it would hurt more if I gave help and then saw my sons continuing their downward spiral.  They have a Higher Power of their own, and it is not me.

After the meeting another friend and I talked briefly, and again I heard confirmation that it was okay to Let Go. She even texted me a photo of a billboard at a nearby  church: "Fear says What If?  Faith says Even If."  

Back at home afterwards, I took Missy for a brief walk, and then MissS arrived. We talked a bit more about her brothers' situation, and  then tossed Missy in the SUV and drove up to visit Sis and Dad for a couple of hours. It was a perfect day, and sunny, and  it was nice to just sit and catch up. Missy was her usual nervous wreck and shivering with her anxiety as usual. But she and Rufus basically ignored each other, and there were no problems. 

MissS and I were home by 3:30 or so. She went right home, and I decided to tackle a chore I really dislike, sweeping the pool enclosure of all the cobwebs and spider nests. UGH!!  I swear I feel the spiders jumping off their webs and into my hair, I always have to change clothes after I do this. 

I spent a lot of time with the kitties, and made a quick dinner, and caught up on TV--I'm taping Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel every night, and then I watch the monologs and the guests (if they're interesting) the following day. I fast-forward a  lot, making it a lot quicker.

This morning I re-set the clocks, and  apparently the radio station didn't get the message: the music show I listen to on Sunday mornings from 9am-noon started at 8am and ended at 11!  I missed a whole hour. I don't know if this is a permanent change or they just didn't cooperate with the time change.

Today, I have a few indoor chores, and my stretching, and cat boxes, etc. I also have to refill bird feeders. I generally putter on Sundays, before sitting down to stitch.  

Tomorrow would have been Rob's birthday; instead it's been almost 6 months since his death. I've still never found an obituary.

But in my photo project I found this, of Dad and me in May of 2022. I love this, taken in Vermont.

And Missy, in May 2025. Sitting on MissS' lap. 

Well, must get busy. Fall back-- I can't believe it's already quarter to one.

TYG